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The Number 1 Thing You Don’t Want to Hear When High On Mushrooms

Although hallucinogenic drugs are “fun” and “mind expanding,” you are also playing with fire when it comes to sanity. Reality becomes as malleable as fresh earwax, and you want to be really careful about your surroundings and the type of information that penetrates your psyche. You don’t want any metaphoric penile bombs pumping in and out of your dark squishy mental state.

Yet sometimes you think you are creating the perfect environment for your perception to be expanded far into the cosmos, but then some shit goes down. Then you are left with your limp consciousness in your hands feeling like, “holy fuck, why am I on drugs while dealing with this?”

After I graduated college, I wasn’t exactly sure what I was going to do with my time on planet earth. I had majored in philosophy, so it seemed perfectly logical to contemplate existence endlessly and ask my bellybutton a bunch of questions about life. So one weekend, I left New York City and came to New Hampshire with my boyfriend Erik to take mushrooms… because of course I did.

Our plan was to eat the “shrooms” and then walk to our friend’s house 3-miles away to play video games and smoke pot. I know. Pretty awesome plan. We got about a mile down the road, and then everything started to “kick in.” The air around me started to become an actual substance. I could feel the viscosity of the particles, and was pushing my way through the texture of molasses.

Toni: Dude…. I can’t make it. We have to go back. The air is too thick. I can’t walk through this. The wind is sticking to me.

We turned around, got back to my house, and lay down on the grass. I wanted to get up, but that was an impossible task considering how heavy the clouds were pressing against my crumpled body. A few hours went by as I dipped in and out of existence, I opened my eyes, and saw a blurry figure walking towards me. It was my friend Amos, who we were originally headed to see.

Amos: Ummm what happened to you guys? I thought you were coming over?
Toni: We took some mushrooms and now the sky is oppressing me.
Amos: Maybe we should go inside and get some water.

Erik and I followed Amos inside and melted into the couch. Water seemed like a good idea – that is if I still had a mouth and not a beak. I tried using my wing to bring some drops of moisture into my mouth as Amos stared at me semi-concerned. Then out of nowhere, a deafening ring filled the house, and I turned myself inside out to hide.

Toni: What is that noise!?
Amos: That is the telephone. Someone is calling your house.

For whatever reason I answered said “phone” – but I knew it was really a transistor radio to the White House.

Do you want to know who was on the other line? My grandmother. Now there are a lot of people who you may want to talk to when tripping labia, but your grandmother is not one of them.

Nagymama: Tonikam…. I am so glad you answered.
Toni: Nagymama?
Nagymama: Tonikam listen to me… your parents are dead.

Now if there is information you don’t want to hear while high as a rocket ship, it’s probably going to be, “your parents are dead.”

Toni: What? My parents are dead?
Nagymama: Yes. I have been calling them all day and they are not answering. They are dead.

Amos: What is going on?
Erik: Who are you guys?
Toni: My parents are dead?!

I got off the phone with my grandmother by hanging it up in the toilet. Erik, Amos, and I sat there taking the news in.

Amos: Wait, how does she know your parents are dead?
Toni: Because they are not answering their phone. I can’t believe this is happening….

I called my parent’s phone number, and sure enough they didn’t answer. They had to be dead. Who doesn’t answer their house phone unless they are dead? Now this was the early 2000’s. People had cell phones, but there wasn’t this super intense relationship where leaving the house without your phone would be akin to going to a sex party without your genitals. I am sure my grandmother had the number to my mother’s cell, but she probably never called it in her life.

Amos: Does your mom have a cell phone?
Toni: Yeah…
Amos: Maybe you should try calling it?
Toni: Try calling what?
Amos: Her cell phone.
Toni: How can my mom answer her cell phone if she is dead?
Amos: Well, maybe she is just not at home?

I called my mom’s cell phone… she didn’t answer. I called again… and again… and again….

My mom: Hello?
Toni: Mom? Are you dead?
My mom: What are you talking about?
Toni: Nagymama told me your guys were dead?
My mom: Why would she say that?
Toni: Because she has been calling you all day and you didn’t answer.
My mom: Toni, it is our anniversary. We went to the gardens to look at flowers for the afternoon, and then we WERE having a romantic dinner until you called 300 times.
Toni: So you are not dead?
My mom: Are you high?


3 Responses to The Number 1 Thing You Don’t Want to Hear When High On Mushrooms

  1. olgadavidson says:

    Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!! No, we are not dead but you are crazy.

  2. Laszlo Nagy says:

    This is the most ridiculous and hilarious thing you’ve ever written. I can’t write anymore because the wind is sticking to me. I love it how both you and Nagymama thought of mom’s cell phone as just a joke that she got herself … not something you’d actually call. I was that way till 2005.

  3. ipek says:

    This is the funniest thing I have ever read and quite an opening to my weekend ahead.
    By the way…Nagymama and Tonikam? Your family sounds like like characters from Yakari!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTozm0QvNTs

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