So you know how cleaning up after yourself sucks right? If you could afford a full time maid who picked up every mess you made, wouldn’t you be so much more content with life? Except for the fact that some poor woman is doing your dishes while resenting the shit out of you.
When you become a parent, you not only have to clean up after yourself, but also some little shithead who thinks opening a deck of cards and spreading them around the room is a good idea. When your child “plays” they inevitably create a cyclone of stuff they strew about. And of course you want them to “imagine” and be “creative,” but at the same, time do they really need to make that many balls of Play-Doh?
So at the end of the day when it is time to clean up your house, you have to enlist your kid to help, which they of obviously never want to do. Then ensue the battle, threats, negotiations, and bribes to make your child do the right thing and contribute.
But the other day The Munch came up with a different strategy, and I am pretty sure this marks the most genius manipulation scheme I have ever witnessed. We had been playing in her room, which she had made messy, and then came to my room to jump on the bed. She knew at one point we would have to go clean her room, so she initiated a game for us to play. The Munch was going to be the mommy, and I was going to be the baby and make her baby doll, (inventively called “Other Baby”) talk.
Munch: So Mamma. You make Other Baby talk. And you make her be very naughty.
Toni: You want me to make Other Baby act naughty?
Munch: Yeah! Make her act really fresh. So she is yelling and hitting and stomping her feet.
Toni as Other Baby: NO! I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT! NO! NEVER AGAIN! WAHHHAAAHHHAAAAHHHHAAA!
Munch: Other Baby that is not nice. You cannot talk like that. It is very rude.
Toni as Other Baby: I AM GOING TO TALK LIKE THAT! WAAHHHHAAAAHA (kick, hit, stomp).
Munch: That is enough Other Baby. It is time to go in your room. (Pause) Come on Mamma! Bring Other Baby to my room!
Toni: Okay.
Munch: Oh my goodness Other Baby! Look what a mess you made in your room! You are going to have to clean it up!
Toni as Other Baby: NO! I DON’T WANT TO CLEAN IT UP!
Munch: Other Baby you are going to clean up your room right now! Now start over there and pick everything up! (pause) Mamma! You have to make other baby pick up her toys!
What was I going to do? I was Other Baby, and Munch was disciplining me. I couldn’t break character!!! So then I had to use Other Baby’s arms to pick up all the toys in Munch’s room and put them away.
FUCKING GENIUS!
(Other Baby… and seriously… what is with the spreading of the cards??)
