Yesterday morning I was having breakfast with my dad when I saw him do the most unthinkable act.
Toni: AHHHHHHH DAD WHAT THE FUCK!!?
My Dad: WHAT?? WHAT DID I DO??
Toni: Are you seriously going to put that in the microwave??
My Dad: What? Yes! I am just heating up my milk for coffee so it’s warm.
Toni: DAD NO!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU! YOU CAN’T USE MICROWAVES!!
My Dad: Why not? I always use a microwave.
Toni: Are you serious?? We need to get rid of that thing!!!!!!!
My Dad: Oh no we are not!!!! Why, what is wrong with microwaves?
Toni: DAD STOP STANDING SO CLOSE TO IT WHILE IT’S RUNNING! YOUR FACE IS GOING TO MELT OFF!
My Dad: Jesus, Toni I would have to see how you would react to the rest of my life.
Toni: Dad, I am not kidding, you can’t use those. I am getting rid of it.
My Dad: OH NO YOU ARE NOT! What is wrong with it? It gets my milk warm.
Toni: They are dangerous!!
My Dad: What do you mean?
Toni: I mean I don’t know specifics but I know they aren’t good for you.
My Dad: I think I will be okay.
Toni: Dad, they take away all the nutritional value of what you are eating! The microwaves zap the nourishment away or something. So you are taking this beautiful raw milk and then annihilating all the stuff that is good for you.
My Dad: I don’t drink milk for it nutritional value, Toni, I just need it in my coffee for the taste.
Toni: Dad, there are a lot of other things wrong with microwaves. I just can’t tell right now because I haven’t researched it, but I know they are bad. Lets just look on google for a minute.
My Dad: Well, thank God the internet doesn’t work in the kitchen.
Toni: Dad, you can’t trust anything that was popularized in the Regan years. Just think of cocaine and Wham. I mean you are in a time warp if you really think this is okay! Are you listening to Tears for Fears on your Walkman too?
My Dad: Look Toni, I use the microwave everyday and that is just how it is.
Toni: Well not any more Dad!
My Dad: THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY YOU ARE TAKING MY MICROWAVE! I WILL KILL YOU!
Toni: Dad, it’s gone.
Dad: Well what if I promise I won’t use it. Only for emergencies? But you can’t take it away from me!
Toni: Well can I unplug it at least??
My Dad: No!! It has a clock on it!!
Toni: There is a clock on the oven Dad!!!
My Dad: I need that one!
Toni: Dad I will get you a clock and put it there!!
My Dad: No! Every appliance needs a variation on time. The clock and oven aren’t even set on the right time, and I like it that way.
Toni: Let me unplug it!
My Dad: No this is a tyranny!!! You can’t make me live in a tyranny!!
And you know what? I was right! Microwaves do take away all the nutritional value, and they create carcinogens in your food!! A cup of water that is microwaved and then used to water a plant with kill that fucking plant!!! I am taking that microwave Dad!! It is time to heat your milk on the fucking stove!