I am kind of a lame daughter. I probably am not going to get my mom anything for mother’s day. Not that I don’t appreciate her immensely, but more because I am not going to see her – and sending things in the mail is so complicated.
Actually, now that I am writing this, maybe I could have worked my finger muscles enough to get her something from Amazon, but then I would have had to stretch them after. You see how complex this all is?
So instead, I am going to publically thank my mom for all the things she did to me when I was a kid… that were so typically her. Mom, you made me into the total nutcase that I am and I love you for that.
1) To gross me out my mom would say, “Toni, you came out of my vagina then suckled at my breast… and you loved it. ”
2) When I wasn’t behaving my mom would threaten to wear her “Magnum Condom” T-shirt to my school and stand in the play ground yelling, “Has anyone seen Toni Nagy? She is my daughter and I am her mother.”
3) In the 3rd grade, my mom gave me and my brother NWA’s Straight Outta Compton and Public Enemy’s It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold us Back and told us “Here kids, learn about politics.”
4) Again, in the 3rd grade, my mom insisted we spend Christmas listening to the assassination of the Romanian dictator Nicolae Ceaușescu.
5) She refused to drive me any where when I was a child, because that was a “republican thing to do,” which resulted in giving me freakishly strong legs from biking over 18 miles a day.
6) My mom showed my best friend Bitty and me Andy Warhol’s Dracula (the X rated version) when we were 10. It was then I learned that a woman bled when she lost their virginity. There is this lovely scene were a pure girl is being hunted by Dracula, so she finds a man to have sex with in order to deter the vampire from pursuing her. Dracula then finds a pool of blood that was left behind on the floor (as they had sex standing up for some reason), and he then gets down on his hands and knees to lick it up.
7) Making sure I didn’t get cavities by eating my Halloween candy/ Easter Bunny/Valentine chocolates.
