wealth inequality
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• Emotional Hand Jobs

  

  I have a lot of social anxiety around people. Wait, let me rephrase that – I have a lot of social anxiety around people that don’t know me and I have to prove my worth through some sort of pithy conversational cue that indicates my humanity and suggests there’s more to me than a woman who has dirt under her fingernails from some unknown source. Considering my personal preference to eliminate all superficial banter that Homo Sapiens are seemingly comforted by, I usually start off with such talking points as, “tell me your primal wound,” when meeting a stranger. My interest is in wanting desperately to know who someone truly is, and not hiding behind the conventions that masquerade us as the happy, perfect, success we all want to be perceived as. I want to know your darkest parts, your deepest shame, your emotional-self, the piece of you that scares you the most – and wouldn’t you know it, not everybody is down for that journey?

  Living in the woods for the past 9 years has insulated me from the societal pressures of impressing humanoids. In my community of cuntree living I’m mostly accepted as my authentic self. The chipmunks understand my crude nature, the trees don’t judge my incessant yammering about capitalism fueling the psychological raping of the patriarchy, and the grass is accustomed to my endless well of genitalia infused humor. Yet when I leave my population of moss-covered rocks and venture into the big world of urban existence where I’m exposed to a plethora of people to connect with, I tend to constantly question who the hell I’m supposed to be in order to be liked.

  Of course there the simple answer is, “yourself”- be yourself Toni!

  Or another answer is, “who cares what people think?”

  Both of these I agree with and try and implement, yet who is “myself” around those I don’t know? How can I not be aware of how others perceive me when I can’t help but notice as their brow furrows at my comment about “butt-fucking corporate greed” and how soon we will be a population of genetically modified humans where only the wealthy will be able to afford designer, Nietzschean, Uber-babies while the poor will lack the resources of genetic perfection thus igniting a cultural war between the immortal demi-god elite and the deformed, polluted, regular humans? I see how their eyes glaze over as they slowly excuse themselves from talking to me, and move stealthily away to have more comfortable conversations with someone else – avoiding eye contact should I return with more polemic antidotes.

  I’m a lot like cilantro in that way. To some, I taste very soapy.

  I struggle with accepting the fact that I turn a lot of people off because I realize I’m making a choice to approach people in the way that I do. I know I could be more likable if I was socially lubricated enough to give out emotional hand jobs. Deep down I know I am capable of deep throating their desire to stay on the surface and discuss things that aren’t as emotionally loaded as, “does your dad actually love you?” Yet instead I feel this need to avoid jerking someone off even if I know they’d enjoy my company more and instead end up furiously metaphorically masturbating while staring them in the face hoping they eventually drop their trousers and do the same.

  I feel torn about wanting to be liked and wanting to be real because those things don’t always go together.

  When I was a young kid I didn’t have any friends. SURPRISE! I had my older brother and he was the only playmate I needed. When I started the 1st grade I made one friend named Trudy who didn’t wear underwear, so I knew she understood a lot more about life than I did. She was also great at cartwheels despite the provocative consequences of the afore mentioned fashion choice. Trudy moved away for the 2nd grade, so I made one more friend to replace her. She was a very shy girl with ringlets named Ashley and we spent most of our time not talking and jumping rope. In the 3rd grade I was separated from Ashley so I became friends with a girl Lizzie, who had an exceptionally impressive blond ponytail that swung when she walked. Lizzie was popular because she was the new pretty girl with the hot hair and the popular boy had a crush on her – and as we all know – a women’s value is often defined by the caliber of boy that likes her because… the patriarchy. Yet sadly Lizzie and her luscious mane moved away after one year, leaving a black hole of the “popular girl” vacuum to be filled. I figured I would go back to my life of obscurity and singing songs about frogs and pigs with Ashley, yet because I had been Lizzie’s best friend, I inadvertently inherited her crown.

  I found being popular to be very stressful. Having many friends is theoretically nice, but when you’re a co-dependent, people-pleasing, 9- year old that feels responsible for the emotional happiness of others and has been socialized by Catholic guilt to prioritize everyone but yourself because love is conditional and only given when behaving in the manner adults want – it can be a bit overwhelming. I always wanted my friends to be happy and this created a dynamic where I was more concerned about being who THEY wanted me to be rather than who I actually was. I was intuitive enough to understand the parts of me each friend preferred, but then my personality became a performance art of negotiating the traits each audience member was most likely to enjoy.

  I lived like this for ummmm… 30 years? There was this hyper concern about the needs of others that made it impossible to prioritize the needs of myself or truly settle into the relationships that made the most sense for me. I was so desperate for love that I’d take it from anyone, even if it meant folding myself into an origami shape of their liking – “oh you’re not into me, well how about you try Toni as crane.” It wasn’t until I birthed a human that I started to address shedding this strategy of manipulating others by manipulating myself into the manipulated figure they most fancied. Not only because of my child’s all-consuming unconditional love that accepted all, didn’t judge, and whose only expectation was my utter devotion – but also because taking care of a kid is very time sucking and forced me to prioritize what was actually important.

  I think we all change, mold, and develop as we grow, but for me personally becoming someone’s mother shook me out of a coma of my own making. I started to genuinely feel like, “who gives a shit what anyone thinks but her?” My kid’s opinion of me is truly the only one that matters and she thinks I’m the fucking shit. The Munch loves my videos, she thinks I have a beautiful voice (I don’t), and she’s convinced I’m an accomplished artist purely because my hearts aren’t crooked and I can draw a descent star shape. Not that I’m basing my sense of self purely on my daughter’s perception of me because I’m aware there will come a time when she’s resentful, rebellious, or questions why she can’t smoke pot in the house when mommy does – but what I have learned from raising The Munch is that I will never be able to be who someone wants me to be because they will ALWAYS want more. They will endlessly suck from my teat, ingesting the milk of my efforts to please them and then digest my excretions while expecting me to change the diarrhea in their diapers.

  So I’ve gone the other direction. I’ve come to terms with the fact that not everyone is going to like me, and maybe I even speed that process along by being so unapologetically myself right out the gate. If you’re not interested in discussing the future of A.I. and how maybe hating yourself is what you love about yourself most, then we probably aren’t going to have a lot in common anyway. I’m not perfect at this practice of course. I can get intimated by strong personalities that think they’re better than me because hey – you probably are better than me. I can allow myself to feel bullied in conversations if the person I’m engaging with resists my efforts because they are stuck in their own ideology and too closed-minded to be willing to explore. I can find myself back in old patterns of wanting to please and allowing comments I think are dumb, offensive, annoyingly sexual towards me, or purely shallow. When I’m at my strongest I challenge, and when I’m at my weakest I acquiesce and let things slide I later wish I didn’t. Yet life is a work in progress and I guess the best I can do is keep forcing myself on people and hoping I run into those that are interested in investigating their darkness with me.

  

  April 18, 2018 • Change, Children, Emotions, Mommyhood, Musings, Parenting, Political Banter • Views: 4202

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• Americans Anonymous Meeting

  

  “Hi. I’m Toni. And I’m an American.”

  “Hi Toni.”

  Doesn’t it feel like our country is in need of one giant AA meeting right now?? Americans Anonymous!!!

  Are we collectively sucking dick for our addictions? Are we metaphorically living under a bridge selling our souls to dealers? What’s happening!? We are better than this!!!!

  This current presidential election isn’t just about the two candidates we have to “choose from,” but also the mirror it has come to represent of our culture. It’s like we are in an Alice and Wonderland acid trip – staring into our reflection seeing an image of ourselves staring into our reflection seeing an image of ourselves staring into our reflection… forever… into eternity.

  The themes that have dominated the conversation of our political landscape – racism, sexism, xenophobia, corruption, corporate greed, political lies, voter disenfranchisement, questioning of democracy, rape – are all microcosms of the underbelly of this country. Even though it’s painful to admit this, at least we now get the opportunity to roll over of on our backs and expose ourselves… belly in the air, genitals blowing in the wind.

  Currently we have 4 psychological wars going on within our borders; gender wars, race wars, class wars, and religious wars.

  What’s with all the civil wars! I don’t want this! If shit goes down lefty liberals like me are pretty much screwed. We don’t have guns! I can’t fight anyone with my witty feminist banter or new age rhetoric about how we are all connected through the quantum field. The astral plane of existence where I eat gogi berries with Ram Das won’t save me from an AK47!

  We are creating false enemies with each other, and this keeps us distracted. The more we focus on attacking each other, the less we focus on how corporations are screwing us… with NO LUBE!

  When we are divided, we are not fighting for our collective rights or seizing corporate America. We are instead allowing earth’s precious resources to be capitalized by big business as we stand around yelling at each other.

  Part of our complexity is that because we are so diverse in America, there are going to be more opinions, ways of life, and perspectives. Yet I think we are going about things all wrong. Instead of focusing on the issues we supposedly care about, we instead direct our attention to hating everyone. If we were purely thinking about the issues, we would realize that there are ways we could be more tactical.

  Lets take for example pro-life people, who often see themselves as one issues voters. They want to keep unwanted fetuses alive. What would be a good solution to that vision? Get together with gay men who want to adopt babies! Both groups have the same interest, and maybe together they could support pregnant women to go through the trauma of pregnancy, birth, and giving your kid up. United they would be able to give more to these women in a real way! If pro-life people we actually pro all life, and not anti gay, they could really work together!

  There are so many potential strategic alliances that we don’t even think of! Maybe the Black Lives Matter leaders should be a part of the NRA and push more “open carry” laws. Then if all black people could just openly carry their guns, they would get shot less! Everybody wins!

  Think of all these men who hate women, troll them on the Internet, and believe they are unfit to be president. Sounds like those dudes need to get laid! So let’s get them together with feminists who are fighting for legalizing prostitution so it is safer for women to practice sex work. These men will then blow their loads more often, redirect their testosterone, and sex workers could be protected under the law.

  Or what about the people who want to deport all the undocumented people in this country, and build giant walls at our borders. They blame immigrants for “taking our jobs,” and “destroying the country.” Well, the undocumented workers aren’t in a great position either. The conglomerates that hire them exploit them exactly because of their “illegal” status. So what’s the solution? Bring these two groups together to force big companies to bring industry back to America rather than outsourcing it to other countries where their people work in slave like conditions. Then there would be more jobs for Americans, and the undocumented workers could get their damn documents because we would need the extra hands to re-build the infrastructure.

  If we actually collaborated over the issues we cared about, we would be so effective! Right wing men want less government, and left wing women want less government too… in their uteruses! If Germany can make a train that creates zero emissions and farts out water then don’t you think this country can’t get its head of its ass and not destroy the planet?

  We live in a place where people very often vote against their own interests. There are poor whites that think voting for Trump is their best option, ignoring the fact that his polices and tax proposals are not in their favor. His plan for health care is to pay your own damn health bills! Good one Donald! You get it! Then there rich whites who would benefit from Trump’s policies and tax plans that would NEVER vote for him. What interesting psychologies these people have! They need to have tea and talk about why they vote against their own interests and what visions they are trying to preserve!

  Is what we want for this country really that different if we take away the sexism, racism, and extreme wealth inequality? Okay fine maybe there are Christian fundamentalists who are actively waiting for Armageddon and are looking forward to the rest of us burning in hell – but if we were all in hell together, it kinda sounds like an okay party?

  In the off chance you aren’t my Facebook friend and haven’t seen this gem 🙂

  November 3, 2016 • Current Events, Environmental Impact, Political Banter • Views: 5187

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• A White Chick’s Thoughts on the Police State, Steroids, and The Deception of the American Dream

  

  Have you ever taken an information detox? You know, like when you only juice the news? I am just emerging from mine, and even though I feel lighter without the burden of digesting world events, I also know I will gain all the weight back as soon as I start eating up content again.

  For an entire month I was (gasp) too busy to look at Facebook. I know… a tragedy almost too tragic to tell. This meant my lifeline to the outside world was broken. Without my newsfeed, there was no one are around to feed me news. When I finally sat down to catch up on what I’ve been missing I was so disturbed that my face actually buffered.

  I have a theory about the police force in America. I think there is a HUGE population of officers who take steroids.

  The last time I was in New York City, I was looking at the body types of the cops. They all look like super heroes in the 3rd installment of their movie franchise. I don’t think it is possible for people who work at least 9 hours a day at a job to also have the time to be at the gym long enough to get that muscular.

  Yes I know fitness is part of the criteria of being a cop, but in order to get as fit as a LOT of the police out there, you have to literally spend HOURS every day lifting and training. There is almost no way they have the time to achieve those bodies naturally.

  Just like we test athletes for steroids, we need to test policemen as well!!!!! There is a hell of a lot MORE at stake then some records being broken.

  “Roid rage” is a real thing. Steroids majorly impact your psychology – causing nervousness, mood swings, extreme irritability, delusions, hostility, aggression… When I watch videos of police brutality/ MURDERS, it’s like these guys are possessed!!!

  Yes racism is for SURE a factor in the rampant problems within the police force, but I would argue that steroids are enflaming the violence. There is currently no standardized testing for cops. I think every police officer that’s involved in an unwarranted ferocious attack should IMMEDIATELY be tested – as should their entire department. Drug use does not exist in a vacuum. Just like in sports teams, usually MANY people are using together. A culture is created where it’s not only accepted, but you are WEAK if you don’t.

  Also, why the hell do traffic cops need guns? Okay fine you can have a Taser just in case, but I really don’t think if your main objective is to pull people over for speeding or rolling through a stop sign, you also need a gun to shoot people in the head. Not every police officer needs a gun to do their job. I would like to see the stats of how many policemen are murdered because of traffic stops vs. how many citizens are UNJUSTLY murdered because of driving with a “wide nose.”

  The question most rational people are asking themselves is; what do we do about this very obvious pandemic?

  I don’t think people are being consciously complacent. I see that many Americans deeply care about this gross inequality. Yet at the same time, we are allowing it to happen because – it KEEPS HAPPENING! There is UNDENIABLE EVIDENCE of these events occurring – videos that tell the story of a crime – yet cops are STILL getting off, aren’t persecuted by the law, and often receive massive pensions if they leave the force.

  There seems to be this disconnect between what we know to be VERY WRONG, and not knowing how to take action. I think this is partly because as a society, modern Americans have very little context when it comes to genuine rebellion or dissent. We have been protected for many years from the fears that a huge population of the world deals with daily. There is no war outside our front doors. We are not risking our lives to go to school. America is not perfect by any means, but it’s a hell of a lot safer than a country that actually experiences drone attacks.

  We live in a first world bubble of potential and opportunity. Although the promise of the American dream may have an idealistic value to the psyche of our country, it’s also an extremely dangerous mentality to believe in.

  In order for a population of people to be controlled, they have to be divided. Because American has such vast diversity, both with race, culture, economics, and religion, we are less united. Even if we share a similar social justice belief system, there is a vast range of the kinds of people involved in any movement, and they have very different levels sacrifice.

  If you look at the youth movement in Palestine, they are mostly coming from a very similar frame of reference. They are all equally oppressed, and feel their inequality equally amongst themselves. There is a community in dissent, because they all mostly have the same risk. They see no future in their country, so risking their lives to fight for one seems logical. The promise of zero opportunity frees them from holding back. They are literally fighting against injustice with rocks and make shift weapons because they have nothing to lose.

  Yet here in America, there is this looming promise of opportunity. It’s scary to sacrifice everything because what if you miss out? The diversity of our experience of being Americans keeps us divided. The hope of achieving the “American Dream” keeps us from really going balls to the wall in fighting a system we KNOW is corrupt. Even if you live in a poor community that is constantly patrolled, there is still this lingering hope that you can get out. You could be one of the few exceptions, and fit yourself into a different potential future if you just kept quite and kept working.

  So this leaves us in a philosophical conundrum. We have all the information to know how dangerous and unjust the corrupt justice system is; yet we are passive observers to it. Although words are crucial when it comes to paradigm shifts, and many people are speaking out, there is something more needs to be done with our actions.

  There are all these inspiring speeches going around with people talking about how there is no “race,” except for the “human race.” Race is a complete social construct that was created by Europeans to oppress and objectify Africans when they were being colonized. There aren’t different races, just different physical attributes. But “race” is still very alive in our imaginations and to pretend that it hasn’t embedded in our culture isn’t working. Being aware of our current paradigm of race is the first step to restructuring its significance – especially because of the danger with the ignorant identification with those of your same race.

  When Philando Castille was brutally murdered while reaching for his gun permit, where was the outrage from the NRA????!!!!!!!! This is like their thing… isn’t it??!! Why aren’t they speaking out about this issue and using this story to further their cause. Because they are all a bunch of white dudes who think they can only identify with white gun owners?!

  The assumption that race is the defining indicator of identification is so archaic. If I were in a room with a 20 white women who all came from a similar socio-economic background, all attended private school like I did, all went to college, and all had 6 year old daughters, I would still identify more with the Asian man in the corner making a mandala out of neon sand and talking about his chakras. My tribe of people are NOT white women, but rather anyone who is counter culture and challenging convention. Those people that want to stand out from the status quo while talking sincerely about energy centers, past life regressions, and conspiracy theories they got tattooed onto their back.

  This pretty pretty much sums up my feelings about all this… Sad day to think NWA’s “Fuck the Police” is just as relevant now as it was 18 years ago 🙁

  

  July 14, 2016 • Current Events, Political Banter • Views: 4009

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• Can You Sprinkle Some GMO’s in my DNA?

  

  Now that it is winter, and I basically live in the open Tundra, I have had a lot more time to stare off into the distance and think about the future. Not my future silly… that just feels like a bleak road of endless mediocrity and stalled dreams – the future of humanity! Wait… that also feels pretty dreary. FUCK!

  I wonder what the evolution of our species is going to look like. Technology has so drastically impacted our environment and society that it seems impossible our DNA won’t be affected. Don’t you feel like extreme shifts in culture would force our biology to adjust just as much as shifting natural ecosystems did? If simply walking north was the catalyst for all racial differentiation, how is our iWorld going to influence our brains? What is the exposure of hundreds and thousands of chemicals going to do to our bodies? How are our psychological selves going to adapt to a world where social media takes precedence over human contact?

  At least this is the crap I think about during those moments when I am sitting with my kid spending “quality time” with her. You see… as long as you look like you are paying attention, it is totally okay to daydream about our transhumanist future!

  The other night I was playing in The Munch’s room watching her practice handstands. I observed how she endlessly kicked her legs in the air, awaiting a moment of balance to feel the lightness of suspension. Part of me was impressed by her tenacity, but I was also thinking how I have seen 4-year olds on Youtube dance the Salsa like their feet were on fire. I know talent is relative, but I also can’t help but compare The Munch to the countless of amazing children I have seen on the Internet! Some of who are infinitely better than me at everything I do!

  It is hard to be blown away by anything any more because we have infinite exposure to everything great humans do all over the world. Someone in Uzbekistan can fart so forcefully that they propel themselves into the air, land on a tree branch with their pinkies, and then somersault off while contorting their body so much that they land inside an Evian bottle – and I will see it on Facebook! Then all my farts would seem subpar, and average, as they just blandly soak into the couch. I SUCK!

  When you see someone do something you can’t, the normal human reaction is to feel awestruck, but also inadequate. The prevailing internal monologue is usually “wow, that is cool, but I can’t do that ☹” We don’t all have the natural ability, or commitment to be exceptional at everything, yet we still have the urge for excellence. But don’t worry everyone! I think science will soon change all that!!!

  Because we live in a genetically modified world, I think we are approaching the point were we are going to start genetically modifying humans. Science is on the precipice of making this a reality, and as soon as rich people can get access to this technology, they are going to use it. They will not only manipulate genes for beauty and physical prowess, but also manufacture immunities to best deal with the impending environmental catastrophes before us. This super race will not only be aesthetically perfect and intellectually advanced, but they will also have the biology to withstand the breakdown of nature. Yet of course there will also be a race of humans who can’t afford to purchase these targeted mutations, and they will sadly be at the mercy of natural selection. Maybe the super race will then use the blood of the pathetic unmodified people for fuel… or inject it into their bodies to stay immortal.

  OMG what is wrong with me!? Why can’t I just play “Go Fish” with my kid like a normal person??

  But maybe I need to start saving up $$$ so I can shoot GMO’s into The Much so she can stick that handstand?

  

  November 19, 2014 • Current Events, Environmental Impact, Musings, Playing • Views: 3993

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• Just Because You Are Privileged Doesn’t Mean You Have To Be Entitled

  

  My kid is privileged. Not like Kim Kardashian’s daughter North West or anything… she doesn’t have $100,000 diamond earrings, wear designer Diane Von Furstenberg wrap dresses, of have birthday parties where a giraffe does cocaine off a hippo’s tits. We don’t have it like that. But The Munch lives in a house where she is fed, warm, and has plenty of toys. She attends a wholesome school where they learn what acorns are made out of, and the biggest stress of her day is not getting to eat as many cookies as she wants. Compared to the vast majority of the world, pretty sure she has it fucking made.

  I know there is only so much you want to expose your 4-year old to regarding the tragedies of the world – but I also don’t want The Munch to be an entitled little shit who doesn’t understand how lucky she is. There is innocence to childhood you don’t want to corrupt, but letting your kid believe the world is exclusively a benevolent place can also be corrupting. There is a delicate balance between being truthful, and just traumatizing. I don’t think I need to explain the horror of child brides in India, but I do think we can talk about sweatshops making crappy plastic toys she doesn’t need. I am not trying to make my kid fear the world, but I do want her to have a realistic perception of it.

  I try to make these conversations authentic, and come up when appropriate. It is not like I put her to bed at night and whisper in her ear, “sleep well sweetheart… and just remember 90% of the indigenous tribes in the Amazonian rainforest have been destroyed, and every 2 minutes someone in the United States gets sexually assaulted. Nighty night.” Yet there are many opportunities to talk about complex issues and give The Munch some perspective.

  I try to provoke exchanges that help Munch understand that the world does not exist to serve her every need. No dude, you cannot keep the water running in the bath just so you can fill cups with the “waterfall.” Water is a precious resource and we have to respect it. There are children who have to walk miles to get access to water. Yeah running water is fun to play with, but once the bath is full, you have to shut it off so you don’t waste it. Fine maybe this comes to bite me in the ass when she insists I wash dishes with only a stream as thick as a pubic hair, but at least she has got the right idea!

  The Munch and I can talk about resources, environmentalism, the economy, whatever – it just has to be in a context that has meaning to her. For example, she loves to eat candy so we can debate how certain candy has a lot of chemicals, and that is why we don’t buy that kind. The chemicals are bad for your body, unfairly compete with farmers who grow organically, and make the ground all yucky. I don’t have to say how Monsanto products cause cancer or factory farmed meat comes from animals who lived in torture chambers and then were mercilessly murdered – but I can say that meat didn’t come from a happy cow, so lets find another kind.

  Kids are way smarter than we think, and they do have a sense of empathy even if they are mostly driven by their egos. They are kind of like men in that way. JUST KIDDING! There was one afternoon when Munch and I talked about homelessness, and she wanted to know if there were any children that didn’t have a house to live in.

  Munch: Who are they mom? Do you we know any of these children?
  Toni: No we don’t know them, but there are millions of them in the world.
  Munch: Can we see them?

  So we went online and looked at pictures of homeless children, and talked about why some people have money, and others don’t. It is not like we discussed major economic theory or the Federal Reserve, but she does understand the concepts of selfishness, and greed.

  Toni: Certain people have so much money that they are able to ensure that they keep making more money. Once you have a bunch of money, it is easier to maintain because you are running the businesses that make all the money. It isn’t that there isn’t enough money to go around; the problem is the way it is distributed. The people who have the most want to keep the money for themselves, and not share it.
  Munch: Why don’t they want to share? Didn’t they go to school and learn about how it is important to share?
  Toni: Well they did. But it isn’t just about the money. Money also means you have power. And people want power.
  Munch: But is the power more important than children? Why can’t the people with money give money to the children so they can have houses?
  Toni: Well, that is a good point. But it isn’t just the people that need to change. It is also the systems.
  Munch: But who makes the systems?
  Toni: The people.
  Munch: So pretty sure the people just need to change – then there will be no more children who don’t have homes.

  (Turn off that fucking bath water!!)

  

  November 17, 2014 • 4 years old, Behavior, Disciplining, Eating, Environmental Impact, Mommy Mind, Mommyhood, Musings, Parenting, Political Banter, Talking and Not Talking • Views: 5217

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