vanity
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• Photoshop The Hell Out of Your Face!

  

  Oh cool you guys! There is a new app out where you can easily photoshop your face to look like a younger, thinner, more attractive you – but without having to spend all time being a total nerd and learning how to use photoshop. No longer will the tech geeks have all the fun orchestrating vanity for their profile pics. Gone are the days where celebrities will be the only ones to hide under the magic of the “magic wand tool.” Justice has been served. Now you, the average person, can create a false image of self to broadcast to people who already know what you look like – and I am pretty sure will notice something is up.

  I don’t get it. I really don’t. Unless you are an insecure teenager in Iowa “catfishing” people with fake accounts, everyone who looks at a picture of you is already familiar with how you look. What is the point of bedazzling your image for them? So an ex-lover glances at a pic, thinks they may want to smash privates, but then see you in person and realize that you DO in fact have forehead wrinkles which only provokes them to run away screaming “the HORROR!”

  Would people photoshop themselves for themselves? Because they are sick of looking at pictures with smile lines and a slightly bigger right eye? Would fixing that on a screen make them feel better about who looks back in the mirror?

  What is the deal? Why are we so obsessed with looks when the root of attraction is smell? The odors we emit through pheromones are way more sexually provocative than having a nose that is smaller than your nostril. If you want to find a mate, take their face, shove it into your armpits, and let them take a good whiff. They will know right away whether or not they want to get down with what you are putting out.

  I know we are all socialized creatures, and easily corrupted by the images we are force-fed by the media regarding the ideal of beauty. Both men and women are besieged with pressures to be physically appealing, and therefore attractiveness is often linked to self-esteem. But guess what!? The world of marketing isn’t going to change – they are selling products and we keep buying. So next time you are feeling less than because you aren’t a size zero, or have undulating muscles, or a face as symmetrical as a snowflake – rather than photoshopping yourself, get into your animal instincts and have someone waft your genitals.

  

  July 29, 2014 • Current Events, Musings • Views: 5241

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• Vanity and Beauty In The One Eyed Beholder

  

  We are living in an age of vanity. There are too many technological gadgets to document ourselves, and too many outlets to broadcast our glory. I mean, is there any point in looking cute if someone doesn’t capture your image for a new profile pic?

  I don’t think that technology is making us vain as much as it allows this pre-existing condition we often fall victim too. The difference is the ease to which we can connect to our vanity, and the instant gratification of people encouraging it with likes, thumbs up, and comments. It is almost impossible not to be somewhat seduced by it all.  When you are looking your best you kind of want the world to notice – or at least acknowledge a perfect hair day.

  Not that there is anything wrong with wanting to look good. Physicality does play a role in attracting people to you. If you are super smelly, look disheveled, and have plaque on your teeth coated in rotting meat residue – no one is going to want to spark up a conversation. We of course want to be somewhat presentable to instigate relationships. The problem is that if you are going to excessively care when people think you are hot, you are also going to care when they think your not. I am not just talking about having an off day wearing cargo shorts and Tevas.

  I sometimes worry about The Munch and the challenges of raising a daughter in a culture obsessed with female beauty.  Of course, The Munch isn’t exactly helping the situation with her mania towards fashion, and penchant towards all things ultra fancy and princess like. I really can’t tell where the Disney seduction ends and the awareness of prettiness begins…

  Soooooo… The Munch has a wandering eye – which although is exciting to have that kind of spirit in an organ, it is still something I have to address. I have been taking her to get cranial sacral work for about a year to try to avoid surgery. It has helped, but her eye is still like a deadbeat dad who keeps trying to take off when things get difficult. The next option is to have her wear a patch on the strong eye so she is forced to use the weaker one. To be honest I have been not only been dreading, but also avoiding this option. The Munch is SOOOOO particular about what she wears, I didn’t know if it was going to become this major battle of the wills. I can’t even get her to wear socks she doesn’t like – let alone a fucking eye patch on her face.

  I found the coolest, sparkliest, shiniest eye patches on the market – The Munch would for sure scoff at a flesh colored Band-Aid with zero pizzazz. Luckily there were some options that had a little swagger to them. I was nervous about how it would be received so I brought Munch to the chiropractor who has been helping her, and we put it on her ceremoniously.

  She actually took it pretty well. The only thing she complains about so far is his her eye getting hot and sweaty.  She doesn’t seem evenly slightly concerned about looking like a princess pirate.

  The Munch really reminded me that you don’t have to let physical “imperfections” limit your confidence, especially when you have style.

  

  July 14, 2014 • 1st time for everything, Musings • Views: 22401

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• You’re So Vain, I Bet You Think This Blog Is About You

  

   

  If I were to put a mirror right next your face while I was talking to you, 99.999999% of the time I would be looking at my reflection rather than you.  Humans are seduced by their own image, and we all secretly love watching ourselves.  If we were to watch a video of me and you eating cheese, I would be watching me, and you would be watching you, and the mouse we were hanging out with would be watching the cheese.  And then we would all make out because it was that kind of movie.

  No one wants to admit they are vain even when we all engage in vain behavior.  But the truth is that the human condition is to be obsessed with yourself, and vanity is a manifestation of that.  The problem with our current paradigm is that there are too many outlets to express our vanity.  Back in the day, the only way to catch a glimpse of yourself would be if you went swimming on a very still day.  But now not only are their mirrors everywhere you turn, there are all these technological outlets for exhibitionism and narcissism.

  Facebook, twitter, instagram, all provoke our vanity in a way that is too persuasive to ignore.  Look at me do this, look at me do that, look at me doing this and that.

  But the counter balance to vanity is insecurity.  If you are going to put yourself out there to be praised, you are also putting yourself out there to be criticized, or even worse… ignored.  If I posted a picture of myself that nobody liked – that would be worse than if someone said something rude.  To not be seen is worse than being judged harshly.

  And the more preoccupied we are with ourselves, the more we critique ourselves as well.  If I only saw my image once ever 9 years when I finally got to use the clean spoon first because my father Dwagfur and brother Shtupslnary always took priority, I would think I looked pretty damn good.  You know, underneath the dirt and scurvy.  But the more we expose ourselves to ourselves, the easier it is to notice every imperfection.  If every day of my life I look at my stupid face, then even eventually I am going to notice my flaws.  All 7,893 of them.  Not that I have counted or anything because that would be insane.

  The reason why I feel like vanity is an inherent trait rather than socialized is because The Munch has always been fascinated by her own image.  Ever since she was a baby she loved looking at pictures and seeing videos of herself.  I think it is natural to be enthralled by our own beings and to want to see what everyone else sees.  But I don’t want The Munch to acquire the inevitable emotional baggage and self-doubt when she starts looking in the mirror and judging what she sees.

  Here is my strategy to avoid this!! I think it’s working!!

  

  April 30, 2013 • 2 years old, baby brain, Behavior, Mommy Body, Mommy Mind, Musings • Views: 5764

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