universe
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  • Mushroom’s Mental Meanderings

    A schedule is a helpful asset to adult survival. It allows structure to existence so as to better enslave my spirit to the constrictions of the matrix. Yet every so often I can feel oppressed by the mundane predictability of life. Go figure! I know I’m not alone in this feeling of psychic enslavement. We all have our methods of mental escape. Right at this very moment there is a guy on the Internet buying a pair of panties from a lady who has worn them for 6 days without showering. For whatever reason smelling these sullied undies will bring this man joy he can’t otherwise access. I must be kind of a square when it comes to rearranging my headspace because even the thought of strange man’s underwear penetrating my nasal cavity makes me dry heave. As such, I instead turn to other sources of inspiration to mix up my mind…

    Mushrooms!

    Mushrooms have become very “in vogue” recently thanks to Microsoft engineers partaking in micro-dosing morning rituals. Many of the human androids belonging to Silicon Valley wake up, have a bit of coffee, and then ingest tiny licks of psychedelics with their Wheaties. The true breakfast of champions!

    Psychotropic drugs are ever so slowly becoming normalized in mainstream culture as a means of healing and self-betterment. “Micro-dosing” is a developing phenomenon and method for partaking in this mind-magnifying ritual of psychedelic ingestion, and I am a big advocate of this happening! I’m pretty sure if the Republican party woke up every morning to a Grateful Dead smoothie instead of their usual breakfast of goat’s blood and virgin flesh, the world would be a much different place! Yet personally I’m not sure I can keep up with the micro-dosing schedule. I barely remember to brush me teeth in the mornings (read as never) so adding slightly tripping to the docket seems like an unreasonable expectation of myself. As such, I prefer my mushrooms the old-fashioned way. Eating a bunch on top of a mountain and hoping I eventually find my way down in the dark.

    Considering not everyone can get their hands on some cow shit foraged mushrooms or a fresh sheet of acid, I figured I would share my top 3 most recent mental meanderings while on mushrooms with you. Who knows, maybe reading this will save you the trip?

    1) Nature is excessively beautiful. It’s painful how gorgeous a sunset can be. Even when inside the moment of experiencing natural glory, there is always a part of me that can’t appreciate it fully. That can’t suppress this underlying sense of nostalgic mourning for what I’m observing. I look at how amazing it all is and simultaneously feel the loss that the moment is fleeting. This tragic knowledge makes me miss the moment even when it’s right in front of me. Everything ends and will be lost in a memory I can only vaguely access. That tragedy makes me never want to leave the beauty of nature and instead focus purely on how gorgeous it all is. Yet with nature, the beauty is endless. As day turns to night, which turn to day again, there is nothing but beauty to witness if your eyes are open enough to see it. How perfect a blade of grass is, or a butterfly wing. How remarkable it is the way ants move, or when clouds morph. Human beings had to develop an indifference to this beauty. It was crucial to not always see it in order to prioritize other things like eating, mating, and staying alert for the dangers of predators. It was an evolutionary necessity to build up an indifference in order to function, yet this muscle has been over-developed. It’s become grossly exaggerated, pulsing, throbbing, and taking up too much space with its excessive force. Now in order to relax that muscle we often turn to drugs to bring us back to that state of being. Drugs are how we access the ability to acknowledge fully just how magical it all is. We crave reprieve from this feeling of indifference yet it’s this same feeling of indifference that also paved the path for “progress.”

    2) In a capitalist society class is so deeply ingrained in your psyche that it will forever stain your understanding of self regardless of what’s in your bank account. If you were born rich, you will always see yourself as a rich person. Even if you lose all your money, you will just feel like a rich person who happens to not have money. Yet if you’re born poor, that mindset will stalk you as well. Even if you make a billion dollars, you will still feel like a poor person who just happens to have money.

    3) After I made it down from the mountain (SURPRISE) I of course sat under the stars. Looking up at the sky, I could see the energetic connections between the stars – this hazy blaze of luminescence that tied the stars together in a cosmic web of connection. It looked like the synapses that attach neurons in our brains. This made me realize that not only are the stars communicating with each other, but the structure vastly resembles the neural network of the human mind. So… check it. What if planet earth is just one neuron inside the head of giant conscious being, and every star in our universe (or multiverse) are actually neurons inside this giant conscious skull? And what if that giant being is part of a community of other giant beings and whatever planet they are on is just one neuron inside the scull of ANOTHER giant conscious being? Which means subsequently that every neuron in each of our brains are actually the stars of a smaller universes and in one of our neurons is a little planet like earth?

    RIGHT????

    Aren’t feathers and clouds UNBELIEVABLE!! Isn’t it crazy not to spend your days staring at them and never doing anything else ever again?

  • The Universe Hates Me

    “At first I was like, sooooo not sure if I should take a job as a Barista when looking at the sign that read, ‘Barista’s wanted.’ But then I was like, wait, that sign is totally a sign from the universe!”
    –Girl in Front of Me While In Line For A Smoothie.

    Have you ever heard a girl talking about signs from the universe and think that it’s a sign from the universe? Do you find yourself desperately seeking guidance from some unknown force, pushing you towards making the decision if Pat is “the one” even though Pat doesn’t give oral with vigor? Are you currently wondering if you should move, and then notice a robin outside your window and think, “wow, in 8th grade I had a friend named Robin whose family moved because her house got infested by termites – so yeah, I absolutely should move and start eating wood.”

    SO DO I!!!

    I like to think the universe is talking to me. It’s comforting. The thought of a conducting cosmos makes me feel like all the dumb decisions I’ve made are sensible. Like that time I went out dancing and staggered out of the club super drunk without my shoes on, took a picture with a cop, peed publically, then jumped into a passing convertible with my friend because we had no shoes on and couldn’t walk home – that would be crazy. Our feet would get dirty. So we got a ride home from a strange man, and as I was thanking him for not raping us, I drunkenly fell out of his car almost smashing my nose on the pavement when I saw a penny on the street – heads up mind you. IT WAS A SIGN that I was lucky!

    I do this constantly. I want to believe that there is an energy, or higher power, directing me through life. Despite my quasi-agnostic worldview, it is that draw that makes me understand the appeal of religion.

    Even though I was raised catholic, I’ve never believed in an organized religious system. As a very young child I questioned what I was being told at church, and struggled with “belief.” My dad was a professor and scholar of Greek Mythology, so I had always been interested in those stories because of him. Because of my personal exposure to the gods of ancient Greece, I didn’t think it was fair that the Catholic Church called their beliefs true, but the Greek religion of the past was considered, and universally accepted, as “myth.” I guess I was a very egalitarian 8-year old?

    I was also terrified of the concept of eternity. I didn’t want to be in heaven or hell for the REST OF TIME! That terrified me. I thought I would get bored in either place. The idea of forever kept me up at night – hence my childhood insomnia.

    Yet my grandmother, who I spent a lot of time with growing up, was very religious. She would say things like, “pray for me that I will die soon so I can be with Jesus.” Okay… but do you mind if I do that after the weekend? I kind of need you until my parents pick me up on Sunday. I’m six.

    My grandmother would take my brother and me to Church not only on Sundays, but also Saturdays. Which for a kid in the 80’s who really liked cartoons, was a real kick in the pants. But I loved my grandmother deeply, even though her idea of a good time was watching the movie Jesus of Nazareth. If you’ve never seen that gem of a film, not only is there plenty of Jesus-torturing happening, but also a scene where King Herod kills all the baby boys within a 100 mile radius in an attempt to stop the coming messiah. Believe you me, there is nothing like a good baby-killing scene to make a kid cry.

    So my childhood was fraught with a lot of church going, praying, and trying to reconcile the image of infants being mass-murdered. My parents also dutifully brought me to Church to appease my grandmother, and it wasn’t until I was 13 when I realized that my dad was only bringing me because he wanted to make his mother happy. It was then we agreed I was old enough to not only make my own choices regarding my spiritual beliefs, but also to start lying to my Grandmother that I still went to church.

    Even though I never found myself believing in the bible, I am grateful for my time at church because it was a space where I had to just sit there and think about mortality and the concept of God. I believe it was in the church that I created a relationship to my idea of God, which admittedly is much more abstract than a dude who has a son that wears a Coachella styled head band of thorns, which, although trendy, is just not that practical. Yet I realize that my obsession with “the universe” protecting me is much like the personification of God.

    Thinking the universe gives a shit about me maybe is totally absurd? Plus now we supposedly live in a multiverse so which universe am I even talking about?

    However the alternative – to think that no universe cares if I get a book deal or not – sounds super depressing! I enjoy the idea that the universe has a path for me, and I just have to see the signs to know if I’m on the right one. I want to think that noticing a cardinal in a tree wink at me is as a sign from the universe telling me that one day the Farrelly brothers will make my script into a movie. AND DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME IT’S NOT!

    Yet…. My belief system is getting slightly challenged right now. Mainly because there have been A LOT OF BAD SIGNS!

    For one, the other day a nest of birds that had been in my chimney must have come apart, and 3 baby birds fell down the shaft and into my fireplace. (Hehe shaft.) Anyway, I called animal rescue thinking that they would come and save these birds… or I don’t know… give a shit at all. They told me to put the birds in a basket and bring them back up to the roof. However, my roof is at an angle of 80 degrees, and without rock climbing equipment, it’s impossible to get up there. So I called back.

    Toni: I picked up the birds with gloves and put them in a basket with grass on the bottom – but I can’t get up on my roof.
    Wild Life Protection Lady: Okay then put them outside.
    Toni: But what if their mom can’t find them?
    Wild Life Protection Lady: From the picture you sent they are fledglings and will figure it out.
    Toni: But it’s raining out there? Is there anything else I can do?
    Wild Life Protection Lady: Just put them outside.
    Toni: And then what?
    Wild Life Protection Lady: Nothing.

    I put them outside and prayed for their mom to come. I tried to keep them covered from the rain. I went to work to teach my dance classes and when I came back they were all dead.

    THEN…

    Last night I went up to my room to sleep, and as customary before I get into bed, I first did a meditation in my meditation corner. The lights in my room were off because I was trying to calm my brain and prepare my body for sleep. After all, I still am an insomniac thinking about forever of course. When my alarm went off I opened my eyes from the meditation, and picked up my phone to shut off the timer. During that process, I saw something. Right in front of my mediation pillow was a dead chipmunk that my cat had brought in – without a head.

    I wanted to scream, but I am a grown-up, so instead I squealed in horror. I went downstairs to get a broom and a dustpan, and tried to pull myself together. I couldn’t understand why this was happening to me. What was the universe trying to tell me?!

    I said to myself while drudgingly walking back up the stairs to my room, “Well, at least I didn’t step on the dead chipmunk. That would have been horrible. I can at least have gratitude for not stepping on it. Maybe that is the lesson of the universe? That even when horrible things happen, they could be worse so I should always have gratitude?”

    I mustered up all my bravery and swept the headless body into the dustpan. I didn’t want to turn on the light, because I wanted to see as a little as possible, so I was using my phone flashlight. I descended the stairs, and brought the carcass outside.

    At least it was over right? At least I didn’t step on it, right?

    With the lights still off I entered my still dark room and that’s when I felt it. I stepped on something cold and wet. I knew what it was even before looking. The half eaten face of the chipmunk.

    This time I fucking screamed.

    I ran to the bathroom to wash my foot. Now I was freaking the fuck out, especially because I had stepped on it with just the right amount of pressure so that the face was stuck to my foot. The water pressure alone wouldn’t release it, and I had to use my hands to scrape off what I think was its tongue. I then had to get toilet paper, go back into my room that for whatever reason I was still keeping dark, and use my flashlight to pick up pieces of chewed up face and brain.

    After about ten minutes of that, and a lot of dry heaving, I went back into my room with my flashlight and started walking towards my bed. But you guessed it. I stepped on yet another wet mash. This time it was on my decorative rug – which was why in my cleaning process I hadn’t seen the thrown up chipmunk neck that my cat had vomited.

    I didn’t squeal. I didn’t scream. I cried.

    I then washed what I’m pretty sure was a chipmunk esophagus off my foot, went back downstairs, got cleaner, and then went back upstairs to clean up the regurgitated chipmunk throat.

    At that point I had been cleaning up this massacre for 30 minutes. I collapsed into bed shaking in horror. But at least I fell asleep!

    Then this morning as I was still recovering, I was making the Munch breakfast when she called to me.

    Munch: Mama there is something disgusting in my playroom.

    Thinking it had to be more chipmunk debris I gathered my wits and entered the room. You’d be happy to hear it wasn’t the chipmunk at all, but instead the face of a mouse. Not it’s head or body, just the face. So now I have the task of finding the rest of it to look forward to for the rest of my day.

    WHAT DO THESE SIGNS MEAN?? Pretty sure the universe is not telling me I’m going to get that TV deal – but actually that the universe just fucking hates me.

    Nothing to see here… just the universe shining its rays of hate upon me

    August 9, 2017 • Ambitions, Emotions, Family Drama, Musings, Problems, Relationships, Responsibilities • Views: 5591

  • Maybe It WAS Aliens?

    Toni: Hey, do you think you can hang out at my house tomorrow night after I put Munch to bed so I can go see my friend sing?

    My Brother Laszlo: Hey, what about that video I sent you about aliens?

    Toni: What about it?

    My Brother Laszlo: Well, have you watched it yet?

    Toni: No, but why don’t we watch it tomorrow night when I get back from my thing.

    My Brother Laszlo: Or why don’t we watch it tonight?

    Toni: Ummmmm…..

    My Brother Laszlo: If I am going to do something for you, we are going to watch that thing about aliens right now!

    And that is how I watched an hour long documentary about aliens and their role in the evolution of humanity with my brother.

    I am probably giving you the impression that I don’t believe this shit.  That my brother is just crazy-pants, and I was placating him.  But I am kind of lying to you.  I am totally into aliens.  When I was 25 I saw this lecture on Youtube by a guy named Michael Tsarion who talked for 2 ½ hours about the mythology of aliens, Atlantis, ancient civilizations, and the evolution of human consciousness.  It was just him at a podium, with bad audio, bad lighting, and a ponytail.  But I watched the whole damn thing- and I wasn’t even high.

    This is my thinking on these theories.  Why the fuck not?  It seems just as possible as the scientific explanation that we exclusively evolved from monkeys.  The reality of our evolutionary story is there is a huge fucking jump from semi-monkeyman to human being, which is called the “missing link.”  Meaning there is an absent step in our understanding that doesn’t explain the vast leap in advancement.  Terrance Mckenna believed the catalyst for this major progression was hallucinogens.  He calls it the “stoned ape theory” which is the notion that some of these monkeymen got high on mushrooms, and that explains this massive shift in consciousness.  Maybe?  I have done mushrooms and it is transformative – but I also don’t remember a thing about my trips. So maybe it was taking mushrooms that catapulted our evolution, or maybe it was aliens?

    I am just saying it’s a possibility.  Our understanding the cosmos is so minimal it is comical. 96% of the universe is dark matter, and we don’t even know what dark matter is.  So even though a lot of what my brother and I watched was relatively absurd, like the story of how inter-dimensional immortal beings flew around on a Merkabah to shield our planet from the take over of negative energy, I could also get down with the idea that the 13 families who own 90% of the worlds wealth of decedents of aliens from mars who have are controlled exclusively by left brain consciousness and have no emotional bandwith.  Seems pretty reasonable to me.

    * While I was out and my brother was staying in the house with Munch, I asked him to write an addendum to this blog so as to make sure I didn’t miss any pertinent details!

    Laszlo Nagy : Martians and Atlantians collided. The Martians had time traveled to Earth as it existed in some past where the Atlantians existed as higher dimensional beings. The Martians had destroyed their old world. They were unable to completely subjugate the Atlantians, but the Atlantians were irrevocably changed. A Polar shift erased the memory of this hybrid culture. Nakals told people about stuff so that they had a step in evolution. Some unclear urgency existed that required the reaching of “Christ Consciousness” in 13,000 years as opposed to 100,000, so various sacred geometries were erected across the planet in order to shield it from bad energy.  Somewhere there were indestructible emerald tablets that says all this.

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    August 7, 2013 • Adventures, Family Drama, Musings, Talking and Not Talking • Views: 11286

  • You Spin Me Right Round Baby, Right Round

    When the Whirling Dervishes come to town you are going to see that shit.  At least I am.  I think it is interesting to witness the practice of connecting to the oneness of all things and the eternal godliness of the universe.  Devotion through meditative gestures and excessive efforts seems like a path towards something.  The mystical journey of truth is not going to be found on my Facebook feed that is for sure.  Even though one seems slightly more entertaining than the other – perpetual bliss and enlightenment vs. a funny video with Jimmy Fallon lip-synching.  Tough call.

    Of course I brought The Munch with me, because if I am going to transcend space and time, so should she.  We got to the front desk and I handed the woman a check as my mandatory donation for the event.

    Lady: “Is that what your are planning on using for your signature?”

    Toni: “Excuse me?”

    Lady: “That’s the signature you are actually using for this check?”

    Toni: “Ummm yup.  That’s my signature.  I guess I should have been a doctor?”

    Lady: “Or paid more attention in school.”

    Things were off to a great start.  I wasn’t exactly sure of the scene upstairs, but I realized pretty quick when greeted with a bunch of “shhhhhhhh’s” that my friend Miriam and I had been talking too loud on our way up.  Everyone was seated in a circle around an empty space and we found our way next to my friend Sarah.

    The Munch was the only child in a five-mile radius and all I could do was pray that she behaved herself.  You don’t want to be that person that everyone resents because they brought their kid.  But at the same time, I think kids should be more integrated into adult situations.  If they are always excluded from things that aren’t specifically kid-friendly then how will they ever know your interests?  If I didn’t bring The Munch with me to things I liked then she would assume I actually think going down a 3 foot slide is exciting.

    The room was very quiet, then the music started to play.  It was subtle, and understated. A flute flittered in the background and The Munch let out this really loud noise/yawn/release that almost perfectly mimicked the pitch of the instrument – just 8 volume decimals louder.

    The Whirling Dervishes came in and started… you guessed it… whirling.  Just going around and around and around themselves in circles.  A man who worked at the museum came over because he was concerned The Munch was sitting on my lap.

    Man: “Does she need her own chair?”

    Toni: “No she is fine. Thank you.”

    Man: “Are you sure?”

    Toni: “Yes thank you.”

    The man then walked back to where he was standing, and The Munch decided I was wrong.

    Munch: “Mamma, I need my own chair.”

    Toni: “No Munch you are fine.”

    Munch: “No I need my own chair.”

    Toni: “Munch you are good.  Just sit on my lap.”

    Munch: “I am going to go ask that man for a chair.”

    She then slithered off my lap to ask the man for a chair. Now the Munch is wise enough to know to whisper at events like these, but the man she was talking to was old, and kind of deaf.  He couldn’t hear what she was saying.  She kept whispering “I need a chair” and he kept pointing to his ear.  She would then whisper “ear” because she assumed he was testing her knowledge of body parts, and things got all confusing.

    So I got her a chair and showed her that she could sit on it and stop harassing that man.  As the Whirling Dervishes spun around and around and around, Munch started fidgeting on her precious chair.

    Munch: “Mamma… I am stuck.”

    She had some how wedged herself into that gap between the seat of the chair and the back of the chair.  Either way I tried to pull her out seemed geometrically impossible.  It was like extracting a flat screen TV out of a bagel.

    Toni: “Jesus Munch.  Which way did you go in? Head first or feet first?”

    Munch: “Umm, my bum.”

    I barely managed to stuff her butt back through the tight space and she was free.  Then The Munch just started walking over to the man who worked at the museum to show him how she could twirl, what the inside of her mouth looked like, her new party shoes and would then remove the shoulder straps of her dress seductively while he desperately tried to pursued her to pull them back up.

    Munch then got hungry, and thank goddess Miriam had a Lara bar.  Of course she had to pee at one point, and then almost insisted that I “talk loud” because her baby needed to “wake up and not be so lazy.”  When the Dervishes stoped whirling the room was silent expect for a loud whisper saying “I don’t want to go Mamma.  I want to stay here.”

    I wasn’t sure if she was a welcome addition to the event, or some old hippies were going to stone me.  But luckily when people started talking they said how well behaved she was, and the man who worked at the museum called her delightful.  It’s a good think old people don’t see or hear that great.

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