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• We are not in NYC anymore

  

  It has been 6 years since I lived in the city. Over half a decade of cuntree living where I have learned to become comfortable with spiders in my bed, eviscerated mice on my floor, and ripping ticks out of my body on a nightly basis. I am accustomed to power outages, mega snowstorms, and black flies coming out of my ass. Seriously. I think I need to see a doctor about that. I have officially substituted my “New York party girl” lifestyle for my new identity of “woman in woods dry humping trees.”

  You know how when you kill a lobster, you throw it in water and boil it slowly so it doesn’t notice it’s dying? I guess that’s kinda been my life. The change is obvious to everyone else, but I haven’t really noticed my gradual demise into becoming a total hick.

  So my friend Mika (who I’ve known for 13 years) came to visit the other day, and I was over the moon with excitement to see her!! When she got to my house, she took one look at my overall physical presentation (including braids I had been sleeping in for 3 days) and just kind of stared for a minute.

  Mika: I can’t get over this outfit? We are seriously not in New York anymore.
  Toni: I actually kind of dressed up for you?

  I mean when I think about it, holy shit I am seriously kind of scummy. But when you don’t really see other humans that often – and when you do they are New Hampshire people who wear their nice fleece jackets out to restaurants – there just isn’t the culture of caring of metropolitan areas.

  Part of why I live in the thickets is because of the lifestyle I am giving The Munch. I actually enjoy being in cities, but I think her life has a better quality in this wholesome natural environment. Right? Like isn’t it kind of a magical childhood to grow up in the forest surrounded by woodland creatures and innocence?

  So I decided to ask Munch what she thought about our living situation considering she is a huge motivation for why I am here.

  Toni: Hey Munch, do you like growing up in the country?
  Munch: Yes!
  Toni: Would you rather live in the city?
  Munch: No. I like living in the country!
  Toni: What do you like about it?
  Munch: Well, there is more grass. And you don’t have to walk everywhere because you can drive places. And you can go swimming outside. If you live in a city you have to go find a building with a pool in it to go swimming – but here you can swim in the fresh air. And you don’t have that many neighbors in the country, because in the city there are too many neighbors. Also, I like my neighbors here in the country because they are my family. The city has too many people and they all probably fart a lot. I mean, maybe just in their beds, but I bet you could smell it if you were their neighbor.

  

  June 29, 2015 • Birth • Views: 4083

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• Parents Can Be Really Annoying

  

  Parents can be really annoying.  I know everyone has their own style, and who am I to judge really, but sometimes I do anyway.  And do you want to know why? Because I fucking can that is why.

  Yesterday The Munch and I went to the beach because she wanted to go swimming.  Forget that the lake was ice 3 weeks ago.  The Munch has no concept of time and as far as she is concerned its summer.  I figured she doesn’t have balls that are going to get all small and silly looking, so why not swim in 50-degree water.

  At first we are the only ones there. Her little naked body skittering across the sand like a crab.  It was a peaceful scene.  I felt like the animals weren’t disturbed by our presence.  The trees embraced us with their shadows.  We weren’t interfering with the Zen of place.

  Then this father came with his two sons.  At first I thought it might be fun and The Munch would have others to frolic with, but the dad instantly got really annoying.  He would not stop barking orders at his kids.

  “Josiah! Josiah! Don’t climb up there.  That’s not yours.  Come down and get in the water.  No. Noah! Don’t go over to those swings.  We have crap like that at home.  Get in the water.  We came here to play in the water.  Josiah!! Josiah!! GET OUT OF THAT BOAT! Don’t sit in there.  Noah quit it! Don’t go on those docks. Josiah, stop poking at the sand like that.  NOAH! I told you to get in the water.  We have a slide at home.”

  All the meanwhile he was on his phone emailing! Now I am all for entertaining yourself with your phone when your kids are boring you, but then pay attention to your dumb phone.  If I am on my phone looking at Facebook do you think I give a flying fuck in a rolling doughnut if my kid is sitting in a docked boat that safely nestled on the sand and is pretending to drive it?  Not at all.  As long as you are not bothering me, I am not going to bother you.

  Of course I didn’t know these kids, and maybe they are total terrors and extremely destructive – but there really wasn’t much you could have damaged.  It’s not like they were going to tear down the swing set with their bare hands and crap in the sandbox.  They were just having fun.  I really didn’t get why the dad had to micromanage and dictate their every move.  Rather than spending all that energy yelling at them how to play, he could have just played with them.  Or hung out on his phone and be preoccupied with that.  I would have so much rather heard the noises of children enjoying their time then some 40 year old man screaming at them.

  And you know what? The kids, although rambunctious were perfectly nice humans.  The older one even came up to talk to The Munch and me:

  Josiah: “Did you know I was at my uncle’s house today?”

  Toni: “No actually I didn’t.

  Josiah: “Yeah. My cousins were there.  I have one cousin Mark who is 11, and he has brown hair.  Then another cousin Kevin ,who is 8 and his pants got really dirty.  Then Lydia who is 9 but I don’t really talk to her that much. I am 5.  Then my dad came and got us.  But I am pretty sure my uncle stayed at home.  Because he didn’t come with us.  I actually don’t know where he is now.”

  Then the dad came up and said, “Watch out.  He can talk your ear off all day.” And I was like … ummmmm he is sitting right there dude.  He can hear you.  Fine this wasn’t the best story I ever heard, but now I know all about this kid’s uncle and cousins so there wasn’t nothing gained.  The dad didn’t have to put down his kid because his son chatting to me embarrassed him.  He should have been embarrassed by his behavior of being a bossy prick for the past half hour.  I would talk to Josiah all day about dirty pants brown hair, Mark, Kevin, Lydia, and this absentee uncle if it meant you would shut the fuck up dad.

  

  May 8, 2013 • 2 years old, Adventures, Behavior, Disciplining, Musings, Parenting • Views: 4119

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