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• Ants in my Pants

  

  Because I love and care about you so severely, I understand how crucial it is for your personal serenity to keep you fully informed on the voyage of my bodily woes. For me to experience the tribulations of my physique without sharing it with you is in fact, a deep injustice. As someone who cares about the betterment of humanity it is my civic duty to continue with the saga of Toni’s biological quandaries. 

  It began with my being told that my liver wasn’t functioning properly, and there is nothing like a dysfunctional liver to motivate me to do psychedelic medicine in the forest with Shamans. I then woke up after that experience having a tick hanging off my heck, like a diminutive Dracula slurping my plasma yet dissatisfied by my lack of virginity. The tick and I engaged in an exchange of fluids, without my consent mind you, which made this minuscule monstrous organism a blood rapist. I of course feared contracting a tick STD, and as such got it tested at the lab. Living in New England we all fear Tick AIDS, otherwise known as Lyme Disease. When I got the results, I was relieved to find that the tick tested negative for Lyme, but positive for Bartonella. So, I guess I potentially now have tick chlamydia. 

  A few days later I woke up itching. Now I am sure there are some people who can itch and have a mature relationship with this discomfort. They may notice the itchy sensation, but still maintain the emotional maturity and foresight to know that scratching is not the answer. I, however, am not that kind of person. When something itches on my body my solution is to claw myself until I no longer have skin.

  A few days went by with me using my talons to tear at my own flesh before I started to ask the question, “Hey Toni, why are you so itchy?” My first assumption was fleas. I figured my dog gave me fleas. 

  Toni: I think my dog has fleas.

  Receptionist at the Vet: Is she scratching a lot?  

  Toni: No. 

  Receptionist at the Vet: Then why do you think she has fleas?   

  Toni: Because I’m scratching a lot.

  Receptionist at the Vet: Oh. Okay. Well let’s use this flea comb to see.   

  Toni: You’re going to comb my skin?

  Receptionist at the Vet: No – the dog’s fur.    

  Toni: Right. 

  We comb the dog. 

  Receptionist at the Vet: Hmmmmm I really don’t see any fleas on her. 

  Toni: Do you think you could look at my bites and tell me if you think they are flea bites?

  Receptionist at the Vet: Sure.    

  Toni: Here is a picture I took because I didn’t think it was appropriate to pull down my pants at the Vet, and its mostly on the back of my legs. 

  Receptionist at the Vet: Thanks for picking up on that social cue. 

  I show her the picture. 

  Toni: What do you think?

  Receptionist at the Vet: It’s hard to tell? They look like spider bites to me.

  Toni: Can I just show you?

  I pull down my pants in the FRONT of the vet office. 

  Receptionist at the Vet: Yeah those don’t look like fleas to me. I think you’re sleeping with an angry spider.  

  Toni: SLEEPING WITH AN ANGRY SPIDER!

  Receptionist at the Vet: I think so? Either that or do you have ants in your house?

  Toni: Of course I have ants in my house. They’re everywhere. 

  Receptionist at the Vet: They could be carnivorous ants? 

  Toni: CARNIVOROUS ANTS!    

  After fulling cleaning and vacuuming my room of any potential enraged arachnids I noticed that the itching was spreading. It was not only on my legs, but also my arms, and lucky for me, my ass. I then became convinced that I did in fact have ants in my pants. 

  As the days passed, and the itching continued, I looked at the enflamed stigmatas covering my human casing and figured that perhaps ants weren’t’ the culprit. I knew it was time to do the adult thing. No – not go to the doctor silly – self-diagnose my rash by using google images. After beholding a variety of gruesome ailments, I decided I had scabies. 

  At the moment of my verdict I was visiting NYC to be on a Podcast, and suddenly realized I was potentially spreading scabies all over the city. I finally called my doctor in New Hampshire.

  Toni: I think I have scabies. Can I please get some medicine prescribed to me? 

  Receptionist at Doctor’s Office: Why do you think you have scabies?

  Toni: The internet.  

  Receptionist at Doctor’s Office: Okay. Well the doctor can’t prescribe you medicine over the phone without seeing you.         

  Toni: Can I send you a picture of my open flesh wounds? 

  Receptionist at Doctor’s Office: Okay.          

  Toni: I just don’t want to be spreading scabies like the outbreak monkey.

  Receptionist at Doctor’s Office: Can you go to a clinic down there? Or the emergency room?

  Toni: Gross! I’m not going to a city emergency room! Who knows what people have!

  Receptionist at Doctor’s Office: Right. They could have scabies.          

  As I was about to get on the subway, on the streets of NY, I pulled down my pants so my aunt could take a fresh picture of the back of my legs. I did however have the intelligence not to make her photograph my ass crack, which was also equally afflicted. 

  The receptionist called me back. 

  Receptionist at Doctor’s Office: The doctor can’t tell by the pictures and without seeing you.          

  Toni: For the love of Gaia. 

  Receptionist at Doctor’s Office: We can’t see you until Tuesday. 

  I decided I couldn’t wait that long and went to a “walk in” clinic. Call me old fashioned, but something about scabies in my anus made me want to take action.

  For the record, I highly suggest whenever you go to the doctor from now on, that you believe you have scabies in your rectum – then anything they tell you will be a relief 

  Doctor at Walk in Clinic: That’s poison ivy. 

  Toni: WELL THANK THE GODDESS IT ISN’T SCABIES!   

  Here is the Mama ant commanding her babies to attack… at least that’s how it feels in my pants!

  

  
  

  
  

  May 16, 2019 • Adventures, Health • Views: 7356

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• Some Diseases are Best Left in the Past

  

  If you read my last blog you are up to date on my current health issue regarding my liver not functioning properly.  Come to think of it, are you really living your best life if you aren’t acutely aware of what’s going on with Toni’s liver. I think knowing what’s up with Toni’s liver is probably the best barometer of success on the market. You’re welcome. 

  As I was waiting for the results of my blood work, I decided that trying breath work would be a good modality to get to know my liver better. After partaking in the San Pedro ceremony (and potentially contracting a tick STD) my heart was pretty open to what my lungs had to tell me about my liver. As such, a woman who specializes in breath work came to my house to guide me through the experience. She and I discussed how the liver is where humans store anger, so our loose goal for the session was to inspire me to connect to my internalized and repressed rage.

  Even though I was very open to this concept theoretically, I was having my fair share of difficulty connecting to my angry liver. I guess the most obvious reason for this barrier is that the anger is REPRESSED. Duh. But there were also some other factors that were contributing. After doing the San Pedro I’ve been feeling relatively serene, like there is more air in my brain. It’s as if my synapsis have stretched to create more emptiness so the breeze of nothingness can blow freely across my consciousness. It’s not that I am not thinking, but more that I am not thinking as much. There is more time between my thoughts while wind flies across the innards of my skull and out my ear cavities.

  I will be in the middle of something, like teaching my dance class, and suddenly have no idea what is going on, who I am, or what we are doing. Did I already do a lunge to this side? Have I pumped my pelvis 8 times… or 16? I am usually so on top of life, like a woman prepared to ride her way to orgasm, yet at the moment my spacey head is more like a swirling galaxy. If this is the price I have to pay for escaping the relentless pestering of my ego – then so be it! 

  The other issue that was preventing me from feeling my feelings of hidden fury was the soundtrack playing in the background. As a dancer I am so influenced by music and the sounds that were filling the air were really upbeat. I kept picture fun choreography. “Ooooo this would be a great moment to undulate!” At one point the breath work lady was suggesting I make sounds to externalize the voice of my anger. She also suggested I punch the mat to release the wrath my liver was holding onto – but the song from Austin Power’s was playing!!! How could I be angry in that context? 

  I then starting spinning into a co-dependent swirl. My internal monologue was scolding me for not allowing my anger to manifest. “Aw man, I don’t have any sounds that want to come out! I’m actually in a great mood! Fuck. Am I letting her down because I’m not making guttural sounds of resentment? GODDAMMIT TONI! Why can’t I make a sound of anger? Oh dear, now she wants me to punch that mat! Fuck hole… I can’t punch the mat! I feel totally at peace! I am flooded with feelings of forgiveness. I am absolutely failing her!”

  But then I realized that maybe the anger I am holding in my liver isn’t actually mine? What if I am a sponge for the anger I am exposed to? Perhaps I’ve just sucked too much in and haven’t taken the time to squeeze myself out, cleanse my aura, bathe the emotions and feelings of others off me. Maybe my purpose on the planet is to be an anger loofah, but in order to do that I have make sure I spiritually exfoliate myself more often?

  All I really want to do with my time is bring people joy. To make them think. To be a part of their self-evolution in order to continue to evolve myself. Isn’t that what my artistic and creative projects are ultimately? Maybe I don’t have to be so tormented? Maybe I can just realize that even though I am not accomplishing things on the scale that I want to, I am still doing what I am meant to do. Perhaps I won’t ever get my Netflix comedy special, but maybe a few people smiling at my videos is enough? I’m already living my dreams. I’m already living my purpose. I’m already doing what I want to be doing even if only a few people give a shit. And with that, I melted into another dimension and lost all awareness of my body. Naturally.  

  Later that week I went back to the doctor to get the results of my bloodwork. 

  Doctor: Well Toni, your tick panel looks good!

  Toni: Oh phew. But what about the tick that just bit me? The one I got tested and that came positive with a tick STD?

  Doctor: Yeah, the bartonella… hmmmm, well… we will get back to that. 

  Toni: Isn’t it crazy that I went to do San Pedro with Shamans in the woods to heal from a tick disease I didn’t have, and maybe I just contracted a whole new tick disease?    

  Doctor: It is. 

  Toni: Does the healing ever end?   

  Doctor: Good question. You also don’t seem to have the genetic disease that I feared.

  Toni: That’s a surprise. My mom did smoke and drink when she was pregnant with me.   

  Doctor: But it turns out you have antibodies for Hepatitis. 

  Toni: OH NO!   

  Doctor: But you don’t have it any more. What you have is the immunity for Hepatitis A. 

  Toni: Is that the sexy Hepatitis that Pamela Anderson has?   

  Doctor: It’s not.

  Toni:  So, you’re telling me I didn’t sleep with Tommy Lee. 

  Doctor: What I am saying is that you don’t have Hepatitis C. You HAD Hepatitis A.

  Toni: So, what’s Hepatitis A?  

  Doctor: Umm, it’s fecal oral…

  Toni:  Shit in mouth!? Am I hearing that correctly? I had shit in mouth Hepatitis?

  Doctor: Correct.

  Toni: HOLY SHIT!

  Doctor: It’s more common than you think. You could have had it years ago. Someone who had that disease prepared food that you ate… 

  Toni: Wait, so someone with shit in mouth Hepatitis had Hepatitis shit on their hands and they then made my food. So, I ate the shit from someone with shit in mouth Hepatitis!?   

  Doctor: You did.  I have no idea when. It could have been years ago?

  Toni: But don’t have it anymore?

  Doctor: You don’t.    

  Toni: This is much better as a story that happened in my past rather than my present reality.     

  Doctor: I agree.

  This is me about 5 years ago… is this when I had shit in mouth disease??

  

  May 9, 2019 • Consciousness, Creativity, Emotions, Health, Problems • Views: 6498

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• Attracting the Law of Attraction

  

  What do you guys feel about the “law of attraction?” Do you feel you attracted to it? Have you been able to attract the law of attraction? Does that word sound silly to you now? Attraction. Attraction. Attraction. AHHHHH LIFE HAS NO MEANING!

  In simple terms, the “law of attraction” means the ability to attract into our lives what we focus on. If you direct your attention towards negative thoughts, then, that’s what you will attract. But if you focus on positive things, then suddenly you will be transported to a land of clouds made of cotton candy where fairies fart plum flavored pixie dust into your mouth and all your life’s dreams will be accomplished as hard-bodied lovers massage your inner thighs and kiss you tenderly with their eyes open to better gaze upon your magnificence. I don’t know about you guys, but I guess I must be a negative thinker because my life seems to be more of a series of mouth farts made by a burly guy that has heart burn and a penchant for sloppy-joes.

  I have a law of attraction story (I think), but you guys have to help me better understand it.

  The other day I went for a hike in the backwoods of my house with my friend, and we did what any two responsible mothers having a break from parenting would do – smoked a joint and started obsessing about how moss is spiritual. We were having a grand time pontificating about the splendor of nature and its endless capacity to incorporate the needs of all living organisms when the unthinkable happened – we ran into another human being!

  These woods are technically private property, but, also are they? Can anyone really own the land, man? But what I do know for sure, is that this lady took one look at me dressed in my uniform of sweatpants, a buffalo plaid hunting shirt, a jacket 4 sizes too big, and my hair resembling a nest for baby possums, and questioned if I was an undeserving vagabond who didn’t belong in these private woods, relishing the forest floor, deliberating if mushrooms are actually God’s freckles. I live in a pretty snobby area where people are VERY concerned about the goings on of others and always trying to make sure if you truly BELONG. It’s the New England way to belittle anyone who you think might be poorer than you.

  Lady in the Woods: Did you come from the highway down the road?
  Toni: I did not. We came from the estate over yonder! Betwixt the lord’s land and the serf’s manor. And you my lady? From where did you emerge?
  Lady in the Woods: Oh. My parents live up the road.
  Toni: Cool.

  Awkward silence.

  Toni: I’ve never seen another person in these woods before.
  Lady in the Woods: Neither have I.

  More awkward silence.

  Lady in the Woods: So, what do you do about ticks?
  Toni: Oh, ummm, nothing really.
  Lady in the Woods: Well, I had Lyme disease so I’m extra concerned.
  Toni: That makes sense.
  My Friend: I make a yarrow tincture.
  Lady in the Woods: I never heard that. I’ll try it.

  As my friend and I walked off, I was kind of irritated. For one – I didn’t like this lady’s attitude. Even if we had come from the road does that mean we should be denied the opportunity to stroll amongst the trees?! It’s not like my friend and I had chainsaws and were hacking plants recklessly. We weren’t smashing beer bottles, or hunting wildlife. We were chilling! This lady’s energy felt so elitist, exemplifying the very selfish attitude of the wealthy that only THEY are eligible to experience pristine natural beauty while us peasants should instead congregate at “public beaches” and “public parks” to roll around in the trash of their corporate greed. Barf.

  My second problem was that this lady made me think about ticks!

  Toni: Who does that lady think she is? Being so damn proprietary! PRETTY SURE THIS IS MY FAMILY’S LAND!!! MINE MINE MINE!! Also… I wasn’t thinking about ticks at ALL before she said that, and now I can’t stop thinking about them!
  My Friend: That’s a little nutty. You didn’t think about ticks once? This whole time?
  Toni: NO! Didn’t even occur to me.
  My Friend: Well, maybe you should think about them?
  Toni: How is that going to make my life any better? I was having such a good time in my head not thinking about fucking ticks… and now that I’m thinking about ticks, I’m having a less good time!
  My Friend: Still, it’s a little hubris not to think of ticks.
  Toni: Aren’t ticks the physical manifestation of capitalism? These creatures that suck blood until they are so full they just fall off their victim and are forced to then lay on the floor, unable to walk away because their bodies become too bloated and their legs too short to touch the ground?
  My Friend: This lady Susun Weed who has a podcast I listen to says that she just asks the part of her body and consciousness that feels things on her skin to communicate with her. She connects with that internal knowledge that has the awareness to let her know if there is a tick walking around.
  Toni: Huh. That’s pretty smart.
  My Friend: Right?

  So, I did just that. I asked my body to let me know if there were any ticks on me.

  I got home and suddenly my body told me: take off your socks and pants. Wouldn’t you know it… THERE WERE TWO TICKS ON MY LEGS! I got them off, and then asked my body again to let me know if there were any more. About ten minutes later I picked one off my head, and then ANOTHER off my neck!

  Now here is my question!!

  Did this lady save me by mentioning the ticks? After all, if she hadn’t said anything I wouldn’t have thought to take off my pants and socks to look for ticks at all. It’s because of that conversation that I became concerned about ticks and tried to connect to my body to give me insight on whether or not they were on me. Also, the fact that she initially offended my sense of morality made the conversation that much more heightened. So, in reality, her being a judgmental profiler made me listen even more.

  Or

  Did this lady CAUSE the ticks? If she hadn’t said anything I never would have thought of the ticks at all! Did her mentioning the ticks made me think of them and there for ATTRACT THEM TO ME!? Had I never thought of the ticks, would I never have attracted them, and there for never HAD to look for them.

  WHICH ONE IS IT??

  (PS my friend had NO ticks on her…)

  (PPS my friend was also using the yarrow tincture)

  Here are the two first ticks…

  

  May 24, 2018 • Adventures, Emotions, Musings, Responsibilities • Views: 3309

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• The Worst Story Ever…. And a Total Waste of Money

  

  I kind of think vets are scam artists.  I know they help your pets and all, but every time I am there they push Heart Guard and Frontline like a crack dealers.  They guilt trip me for not wanting to get the $2000 vaccine package like I am a bad person, and act like I don’t love my dog if I don’t do exactly as they suggest.  I have never walked out the door without spending at least $600.

  So I tend to avoid the vet.  I only take my dog when I think it is really necessary.  And this was one of those times.  Her breath was not okay.  It was pretty rancid.  Considering she is 11, I figured maybe it was time to get her teeth cleaned.  So I made an appointment…

  Vet: “Okay, you will bring Mona in at 8:30 and can come pick her up at 4.00”

  Toni: “Alright.”

  Vet: “She is going to need some general anesthesia because we put the dogs down for dental cleanings.”

  Toni: “She needs anesthesia to brush her teeth?”

  Vet: “Yes.”

  Toni: “Okay… is that going to be safe for her?”

  Vet: “Well, we do a full exam before hand and check her for heartworm and other complications.  So that will be an extra $200.”

  Toni: “Yikes.”

  Vet: “I also see that she is due for some vaccines.  The lxkdjfoainx and the xdjfsoif and wait one other… uyidjakdcdso.” (I wasn’t really listening).

  Toni: “Yeesh.”

  Vet: “So should we go ahead and do all of those.  Mona is getting older and these are very important if you want her to live a long healthy life. You do care about her right? You do want the best for her don’t you?”

  Toni: “Yes of course.”

  Vet: “Okay great.  So I will set you up for those. Your total comes to $670.  See you Thursday.”

  Toni: “Great.”

  Munch and I went to pick Mona up and were then told a whole list of potential problems my dog may or may not be having.

  Vet: “You see how her skin is scaly on her tummy? She may have Cushing’s disease”

  Toni: “Oh dear.”

  Vet: “Have you noticed a lot of frequent urination? Or drinking of water?”

  Toni: “I mean I guess.  She does drink water and she does pee.  How do I know if it’s frequent?”

  Vet: “Yes that sounds bad.  We highly suggest you do the senior’s evaluation as soon as possible.  That is of course if you have a soul and want your dog to live a peaceful life.”

  Toni: “Okay lets do it.”

  Vet: “Great we can schedule you for Monday.  Make sure to get a urine sample into this cup before you come in.”

  Toni: “How on earth am I going to do that?  I don’t have her potty trained to pee in cup.”

  Vet: “You just have to follow her outside with a plate of a bowl and slip in under her as she squats.  Then you would poor the urine into the cup and keep in the refrigerator.”

  Toni: “Sounds easy enough.”

  Vet: “Fantastic.  So that will be $600 for the senior’s visit when you come.  Have a great weekend.”

  Toni: “Great.”

  As we left The Munch decided she wanted to go to the beach to play outside with Mona.

  Toni: “We have to go get some wet food for Mona Munch first.  She had two teeth pulled when she got her teeth cleaned.  So she needs soft food.”

  Munch: “Lets go to the beach first and then get wet food.  She wants to run around.”

  Toni: “Okay.  But just for a bit.”

  We get to the beach and are having a grand old time until…

  Munch: “Mamma, quick.  I have to go potty!”

  Toni: “Pee or poop.”

  Munch: “Pee.”

  Toni: “Okay lets just go outside okay?”

  Munch: “Okay quick.”

  Toni: “Wait Munch.  Are you pooping?

  Munch: “Yes.”

  Toni: “Crap we don’t have any toilet paper.”

  Munch: “What?”

  Toni: “Never mind.  Just concentrate on what you are doing.”

  Munch: “I am all done.”

  Toni: “Munch I don’t have any toilet paper.”

  Munch: “Use some leaves.”

  Toni: “Son of a…  They are all so dry.  It’s going to get poops my hands if I use these.”

  Munch: “Uh oh.”

  Toni: “Listen, I am going to run to the car and see if I can find something. I will be right back.”

  Munch: “Okay.”

  I ran to the car and found an old mitten.  There was only one, so I figured it was the best I could do.  I got back to Munch and there she was, standing patiently holding her dress up waiting for me.  But mysteriously the poop was gone.

  Toni: “Oh no.”

  Munch: “What?”

  Toni: “Munch, did Mona eat your poop.”

  Munch: “Yes.”

  Toni: “Oh God.”

  Munch: “Mamma, now her teeth are all dirty again.”

  Well, at least she got her wet food?

  

   

  May 3, 2013 • 2 years old, Adventures, baby body, Family Drama, Pee & Poop, Talking and Not Talking • Views: 3618

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