tantrums
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• I Don’t Love You Anymore!

  

  The Munch is still in a state of healing from her eye surgery. It is for sure WAAAYYY more complex than I imagined, and as it stands right now the doctor is thinking that we may have to do another operation. I of course REALY don’t want to put Munch through that, so have been going hard on the holistic healing front.

  In these past few weeks I’ve taken her to a variety hippy doctors, and they all say her body is still processing the trauma of the experience. Because I want to be as proactive as possible, there are a bunch of things I am trying in order to address both the emotional and physical distress. This is the short list:

  1) Eye patch glasses: Munch didn’t want to wear an eye patch because she didn’t think patches were “fashionable,” and the adhesive gave her cheek a rash. So I made her some super sweet Hello Kitty glasses with a ballerina patch over the good eye. Now she looks like a punk rock pirate, and will wear them around her friends.
  2) Pills for her blood/liver: My acupuncture lady said we needed to support her liver/blood to keep tendons and eyes healthy. I brewed Chinese herbs for 2 days in hopes that Munch would drink it, but she refused because it tasted like “monkey poop and pee.” But she did learn to swallow pills so at least that is happening – but she is also now irrationally excited about swallowing pills… which makes me somewhat concerned for her future and doing ecstasy. PS I am also now drinking the “monkey poo and pee” drink because I don’t want it to go to waste, and it tastes more like giraffe semen.
  3) Eye Games: We play games with flash cards where I make her move her eye around. This game has now evolved to me also playing, and working out my eye, which can now bench press 250 lbs.
  4) Massages: I massage her leg to stimulate blood production, her feet to lower stress, her head to relax the brain, and her eye to bring awareness of healing. This is a 30 min process where I have to keep her relaxed and entertained so she doesn’t squirm around. This means I tell stories the entire time, which I make up from the top of my head. I now have carpel tunnel syndrome in my hands from all these damn massages, and probably should enter an improv group for my amazing off the cuff story telling abilities – although many of them end with someone farting really loud.
  5) Singing: Now I have to make her sing as much as possible because the vibration in her head is healing, but she HATES it when I sing because The Munch is a musical snob… sooooo this one isn’t going so well.

  I have also been taking her to healers who do cranial sacral work and trauma release. I have noticed that when we get home from these visits, she has total meltdowns that night. The Munch isn’t really one to have tantrums, so I figure she is getting out these buried emotions that she kept in while trying to be cooperative during the surgery. She was excessively stoic, and maybe needs to get some of the fear and rage out?

  I have been trying to give The Munch space to have these outrageous moments of outburst, and not take them personally or get angry with her for acting out. I know her well enough to know this isn’t her normal behavior, so there is no point in punishing her for needing to release. But this is what it looked like last night.

  The Munch: Mamma, can I have a candy cane?
  Toni: There is no way! It is bedtime, and you can’t eat a candy cane right before bed.
  The Munch: But I WANT ONE!
  Toni: That is understandable because candy canes are delicious. But you have to wait until tomorrow. You can have one then.
  The Munch: Well I can eat it anyway, and you can’t stop me.
  Toni: Of course I can. I am way bigger than you and can take it from you. I would rather you just put it away and have it tomorrow.
  The Munch: Try and take it from me.
  Toni: I am not going to do that.
  The Munch: Just try and take it from me.

  Okay fine… I am the grown up and could have refused. But she was TAUNTING ME OKAY!

  I grabbed the candy cane and it she held onto the hook, and now the other half was in my hand.

  The Munch: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH YOU BROKE IT!!!! WAAAAHHHHHHAAA
  Toni: Dude I am sorry. I didn’t mean to break it. It was an accident!
  The Munch: WELL YOU DID BREAK IT!! WAHHHHHAAAA
  Toni: You told me to try and take it!
  The Munch: WAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAHHHHHAAA!!! YOU BROKE IT!
  Toni: I didn’t mean to break it, but you did tell me to try and take it. Besides, you can have the pieces in the tomorrow. It gets all broken up in your tummy anyway. I will save them for you.
  The Munch: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE BROKEN! I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE! AND I AM TAKING MOLLY FROM YOU AND YOU WILL NEVER SEE MOLLY AGAIN. EVEN THOUGH SHE IS YOUR FAVORITE STUFFY.

  The Munch then went into my room, and got my stuffed animal dog named Molly, and hid her. Okay fine a grown up isn’t supposed to sleep with stuffed animals. But I have had molly for 25 years! I always sleep with Molly!

  The Munch: There! Now Molly is hidden and you will never find her!
  Toni: Munch I hear that you are angry, but I think you maybe need some time to think and calm down and then we can talk.
  The Munch: NO! I am locking you in my room and YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE!
  Toni: Never? What if I get hungry?
  The Munch: You will get nothing to eat!!!
  Toni: So I would just starve to death in your room?
  The Munch: YES!!!
  Toni: So when people ask you “what happened to your mom?” you would just say “oh I got super mad because she broke my candy cane so I locked her in my room. She eventually starved to death and died.”
  The Munch: Yes!
  Toni: Don’t you think you would maybe miss me?
  The Munch: YES I WOULD!
  Toni: Okay well can we think of a solution for you to feel better so you are not yelling or trying to starve me to death?
  The Munch: NOTHING WILL MAKE ME FEEL BETTER EXCEPT FOR WATCHING MY LITTLE PONY OR EATING A NON BROKEN CANDY CANE.
  Toni: Well, neither of those things are going to happen.
  The Munch: WELL THEN YOU CAN’T MAKE ME HAPPY!
  Toni: Of course I can’t make you happy! You have to make your elf happy! Can you think of something that might make you happy? Like maybe you could jump on the bed and then into my arms.
  The Munch: Ummm okay.

  Then she was totally fine and we did our 45-minute healing routine and I got early onset arthritis. This morning we talked about it…

  The Munch: I love you. You’re the best mommy in the whole universe.
  Toni: Remember when you told me last night that you didn’t me any more? Did you mean that?
  The Munch: No… I was just angry.
  Toni: I know. But when you say harsh things, even when you are angry, it can really hurt someone’s feelings. You have to always be careful with your words, because you can never take them back.
  The Munch: Well you didn’t seem like your feelings were hurt last night.
  Toni: That is because I’m your mom, and moms are always more forgiving towards their children. Not everyone will be that way. I knew you didn’t mean those words, but I also know you have been going through a lot, so have a lot of emotions you are working through.
  The Munch: Maybe you also knew you shouldn’t have broken my candy cane.

  She does look pretty bad ass right?

  

  December 16, 2015 • 5 years old, Behavior, Disciplining, Family Drama, Health, Mommyhood, Parenting, Talking and Not Talking • Views: 4060

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• I Think I’ll Go Cry About That

  

  Isn’t it kind of nuts that ocean water pours out of your face when you feel emotions? Although sometimes it feels really good to release liquid out your eyeballs, crying is also a really intense way to express yourself. Have you ever been an argument with someone, just really verbally eviscerating them, but then they start crying so you feel bad and have to stop. That’s the worst! Stop manipulating me with your tears!

  Maybe it’s because I am from New England and believe in things like walking outside in wet socks during freezing temperatures is a good way to build character – but I try to keep my eye-fluid to myself. Crying makes me feel too vulnerable. My body language folds in, my face contorts, and my nose pours like a mucus waterfall. No thank you. If I am going to feel feelings around other people, I prefer indifference and emotional constipation.

  Kids, however, don’t even give a fuck when it comes to crying. They will cry any time, in front of anyone. Tears are their go-to form of expression because they don’t feel the social pressure to hold them in. I respect this period in life because it is the only time where you truly lack the shame of your outbursts. There is something freeing about exposing the underbelly of your emotional self, and preserving that openness is crucial to growing into a well-adjusted adult. The more capable you are of being in touch with your feelings, they less you will be consumed by them.

  However, crying is not the only way to communicate your feelings. There is a performance aspect to lamentation, which does lend itself to wallowing. When you are in a state of weeping, you are not exactly looking for solutions to your problems. Whoever you are with has to be a witness to the tyranny of your tears. Even though I don’t want to be a dictator of expression for my child, I also don’t want her to get into the habit of crying as a default.

  Oftentimes girls are socialized to articulate their discontent through tears because it is expected – and allowed when they are young. Boys are usually told to stop crying, because that threatens their masculinity. The result is that women tend to cry more to communicate, whereas men get angry. The root feelings are the same, yet one manifestation is passive and the other is aggressive. I don’t want my little girl to rely on tears to get through to people.

  When The Munch was young, I noticed that she would kind of indulge in her sadness. If she hurt herself she would cry, which was fine, but then she would stay crying long after the physical pain had subsided. Maybe it was an age thing, but it also made me nervous. I didn’t want her to get into a custom where every time she stubbed her toe it was an opportunity for self-pity. So I came up with a strategy where after I minute of her feeling the pain, I would then re-enact the trauma with one of her toys or dolls. This brought her out of her head, and she would stop crying and instead help choreograph the replaying of the scene. Now when she falls or hurts herself, she barely cries at all.

  Now that The Munch is almost 5, I figured she didn’t have to sob every time she doesn’t get what she wants, or when things don’t work out exactly as planned. So now I have a tactic for dealing with the emotional tantrum. You may think that I am a hardened beast of a woman wearing an apron and walking around with a wooden spoon to beat people with… but I swear it is working. It goes like this.

  Munch: Where are my “My Little Pony” socks?
  Toni: I don’t know. Where ever you last put them.
  Munch: But I don’t know where they are?
  Toni: Well, maybe you could look for them.
  Munch: BUT I WANT MY SOCKS NOW!! I NEED MY “MY LITTLE PONY SOCKS!”
  (Tears start to well up as the outpouring is about to begin).
  Toni: Well, you should probably cry about it.

  The Munch will then look at me with a particular combo of disbelief, rage, and pride. By my suggesting she cry, her ego is like “fuck that.”

  Even though you probably now think I am a MEGA bitch… she doesn’t cry and she goes and finds her damn socks.

  

   

  March 25, 2015 • 4 years old, Behavior, Disciplining, Family Drama, Mommyhood, Parenting, Talking and Not Talking, Toddler Thoughts • Views: 4402

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• I Have Met My Match (and she will destroy me)

  

  I am a really hard person to argue with. Not that I am mean or nasty. I will not call you vile names or spit in your general direction – unless I am hanging out my Llama friends. Yet I am a master manipulator of logic. I will sieve through your rational, pluck apart your reasoning, and destroy you with a flawless case of why I am right and you are wrong.

  And just to be clear… I am always right.

  I have yet to come away from a disagreement saying, “you are right… I was wrong… sorry.”

  Until now…

  I have met my match you guys, and she is a 4-year old Munch.

  It all started one fateful evening over dinner. The Munch was eating pesto and pasta, and I was sitting across from her enjoying a plate of sand. (I heard its good for your colon). Because my mouth was rather dry, I took a sip of her apple cider. Munch took notice….

  Munch: It’s good apple cider huh Ma?
  Toni: It sure is!
  Munch: I got it with Liliana at the coop after gymnastics. I like it a lot.
  Toni: We should get it again some time. It is quite delicious.

  We both continued our meals, and again I felt the sensations of thirst. I reached across the table, and took another sip. Yet this time, my actions were met with INTENSE FUCKING RAGE!

  Munch: MOM YOU KEEP TAKING SIPS OF MY APPLE CIDER AND NOW IT IS ALMOST ALL GONE!! STOP DOING THAT! NEVER TAKE SIPS OF MY APPLE CIDER AGAIN! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAHHHHHHAAA!
  Toni: Dude! That is so unfair! I share with you all the time!
  Munch: BUT YOU ARE DRINKING ALL MY APPLE CIDER AND NOW IT IS ALMOST ALL GONE!
  Toni: Ummm that is so not true. I had two sips, and they were small sips!
  Munch: I AM NEVER SHARING WITH YOU EVER AGAIN!!
  Toni: Dude!!! You are being wicked selfish! I share everything with you! How would you like it if I never shared with you again?
  Munch: BUT YOU DRANK ALL MY APPLE CIDER SO I AM NEVER SHARING WITH YOU EVER EVER EVER AGAIN EVER!!!!
  Toni: Munch… that is a terrible thing to say. You share with people you love because you love them. You share with people because it is the right thing to do. Being selfish is a terrible personality trait. Getting this mad about apple cider is absurd. We can easily get more tomorrow, or I can put water in it so you have more.
  Munch: BUT THEN IT WILL BE WATERY APPLE CIDER! I AM NOT SHARING WITH YOU ANY MORE!!!
  Toni: Well what is a good solution? What can we do about this?
  Munch: YOU CAN NEVER TAKE SIPS EVER AGAIN!
  Toni: You know what Munch? There are kids all over the world who have so much less than you – children who have hardly anything to eat or drink. They are starving and thirsty all the time. Yet they still share with their family. They are not selfish. You have everything you could ever want. You have juice all the time. Yet you are going to get this irrationally mad at your Mamma, yell and cry, just because you don’t want me to have a sip of your juice?
  Munch: WELL IT WAS MY JUICE, AND YOU DRANK ALL OF IT!! I GOT IT WITH LILIANA AND IT WAS MINE!! WAHHHHHAHHHHHWAHHHHHAAA!!
  Toni: Okay… that is enough. You have to go to your room.
  Munch: BUT I WANT MY JUICE!
  Toni: Fine, bring your cider to your room – but you have to think about how you treat people.

  The Munch stormed off crying and yelling to herself about how unfair I was. I stayed in the kitchen fuming. My head was spinning with rage. “What a little shit!!! I didn’t drink all her fucking apple cider! I had two sips!!!! Fine, there wasn’t that much left, but what the dick!!!??? This first world entitled mentality bullshit is goddamn bullshit. I am sure there are kids in the open tundra of Uzbekistan who share their last drops of goat milk with their mom!!!! Am I seriously raising a spoiled post-modern monster who flips the fuck out over sharing a sip of her drink!!??”

  The Munch then came into the kitchen – her tears dried, and disturbingly calm.

  Munch: Mom, I wasn’t mad because of sharing my juice. I was mad because you didn’t ASK to have a sip of my juice. You can’t just take things from people without asking. You have to ask first. But that is what I was trying to say…
  Toni: Oh… you are right… I was wrong. Sorry. I should have asked first.

  Genius…

  (Here is Munch plotting my demise)

  

  December 22, 2014 • 4 years old, Behavior, Disciplining, Eating, Family Drama, Mommyhood, Parenting, Talking and Not Talking, Toddler Thoughts • Views: 3915

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