swearing
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  • What is Funny vs. What is Appropriate

    I like to challenge social convention. It makes me feel more comfortable when I am making other people feel uncomfortable. Something is soothing about the discomfort.

    As a result, this means I have a very fluid relationship to “appropriate behavior.” I like it when people tease acceptability, especially when trying to get a laugh. Sometimes you have to take things too far just to wake people up. That’s how you find the comedy gold.

    I also strive for authentic honest connection to people. So when my 5-year old is going to say something like “Let’s pretend this My Little Pony is really mean, and called this My Little Pony a ditch,” I’m going to correct her. It’s bitch honey…. Not ditch.

    Of course I don’t want my daughter to swear, but she can’t go around thinking people are “ditches.” That’s just absurd. I don’t have to shelter The Munch from the existence of these words, but I do have to explain that children aren’t supposed to curse. Only fucking grownups are allowed to do that.

    When The Munch and her little friend were showing me their butts the other day, I had to take pause. Either I could say, “that is rude,” or I could say what I actually said: which was “that is called mooning.” If they are going to moon me, they should at least know what it is called – because mooning people is hilarious in the right context. Of course you don’t want to moon the wrong person… like your teacher or a pervert at the park. But what kind of world is this when you can’t moon your own mom and crack up with your friends about it!?

    So this takes me to The Munch’s new favorite music videos to watch. They are parodies of her favorite pop songs, and she thinks they are wittiest thing every to happen to the Internet. “Mom, in this one video she keeps putting her butt in this guy’s face and it is soooooooooooo funny.” Yeah maybe it is not proper to let my kid watch videos with swear words and shit, but the fact The Munch is developing her butt and poop humor is the first sign of a future comedy genius. At least here’s praying.

    September 7, 2015 • 5 years old, Behavior, Mommyhood, Parenting, Pee & Poop, Talking and Not Talking • Views: 7540

  • You Really Shouldn’t Fucking Swear

    Swearing is not good and shit. It is considered offensive, rude, and inappropriate. There is never a circumstance that truly justifies it, and it reflects poorly on your character. One should recognize that the language you use represents how people perceive you, and as a dignified member of society you should avoid vulgarities at all costs. Since I am a parent, it is pivotal I imprint these values onto my daughter so she can grow into a being a respectable lady.

    Yet hearing my kid swear is funny as fuck.

    Okay fine. I am not proud of the fact that I SOMETIMES swear in front of my child. It is not that I swear at her! I just on occasion swear around her. As a consequence, The Munch has been exposed to my potty mouth, even though I REALLY TRY to wipe it clean.

    So the other day I made The Munch a grilled ham and cheese sandwich for dinner, which she brought to my office to eat while watching Japanese cartoons. Uggggggggghhhh…. I really don’t like admitting this context ☹ I usually don’t let my kid watch shows and eat. It is bad for digestion, a terrible habit, unsocial, and most importantly dangerous for my computer – crumbs in my keyboard are a nightmare. But I was having a super PMS moment and pretty much couldn’t deal with existence. All I was capable of was staring at a door and wondering if it opened into a parallel universe where I was a mermaid.

    Munch then came into the kitchen asking for more dinner…

    Munch: Mom, can you make me another grilled cheese sammich?
    Toni: Whoa! Did you eat the whole thing! Wow! Good for you.
    Munch: Well, I didn’t exactly get to eat the whole thing. I dropped half of it on the ground, and then Mona (our dog) ate it.
    Toni: Oh no! Mona at your sammich? That is terrible.
    Munch: Yeah. Fucking Mona.

    And then, all was right in the cosmos and life had meaning again. Not only did Munch use “fucking” in the right context, but her cadence was hilarious. She wasn’t angry, or upset – her tone just perfectly articulated how anyone would feel after a beloved pet ate their delicious sammich. Fucking Mona is right.

    fucking-mona-blog-(i)

    August 1, 2014 • 4 years old, Behavior, Parenting, Talking and Not Talking, Toddler Thoughts • Views: 4286