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  • Black Magic

    When you love someone their pain becomes yours.  Yet there is only so much you can do to help another person.  You can listen, give advice, and do your best to be a comforting support system, but you can’t make them change their lives.  It is pretty much impossible to force someone into living how you think they should and becoming their puppeteer.  Unless you don’t mind shoving your hand up their ass.

    In that way love can seem really out of control.  You can love someone so much, but your love alone can’t heal them.  Or can it?  Maybe that is the role of prayer?

    I have been practicing yoga for almost 16 years now, and over the past 2 have gotten into a style called Kundalini.  Originally, this yoga was only practiced from guru to student.  So in order to learn Kundalini, you had to devote your life to a guru.  But in the 70’s a practitioner came to the states and decided that Kudnalini should be taught to all people who were interested, and that we all have a guru inside of us.

    So Kundalini is some intense shit.  Recently, I was given a mantra/prayer to say for 40 days to cleanse the ties of negative Karma for those I love.  I have to chant it 11 times, and it ends up taking 31 minutes.  Now this mantra is not only long as fuck, but also as complicated as pussy.  It goes so fast, has so many syllables, and is in a totally foreign language.  Keeping up with it so insanely hard that it is impossible for my mind to stray for even one moment.  The second I think, “hey, what I am I going to wear tonight?” I missed like 2 lines.

    But I have to say, the mental challenge is really freeing.  If I am going to recite it even semi correctly, I have to be completely focused.  That level of concentration is like taking a vacation from my mind.  My thoughts can’t wander because I have to be so single-minded.

    And I got to say, this prayer is powerful and all and I am glad to be doing it… but it is fucking me up!!  I can’t sleep at night.  And when I do, my dreams make me feel like a psycho. They are so demented and I wake up feeling emotionally exhausted.  Most of the night I am in this state of being half awake, half spaced out, obsessing about mundane thoughts.  Like the idea “a doughnut is made of flour” will enter my mind, and I will literally think about that for 2 hours.  Over and over again…

    And then last night I even got sleep paralysis!  I woke up, but couldn’t move my body.  I couldn’t scream.  I was just stuck – awake but trapped in a body I couldn’t control.  It was the most terrifying thing ever!  Supposedly these are normal reactions and it will get better, but holy crap fuck shit balls.  Is this some black magic or what?

    I wonder if the guru inside me is one of those pervy ones that exploits its devotees?

    (Check out Munch ready to take off on her broom stick!)

    black-magic-blog-(i)

    April 19, 2013 • 2 years old, Mommy Mind, Musings, Relationships • Views: 1411

  • Trust me, you can’t trust me

    I don’t always trust myself.  But you can trust me – in the sense that I am saying you can’t really trust me.  I mean, you can sometimes trust me, just not all the time.  But enough where you can trust that you will be surprised to discover that you really shouldn’t have trusted me in the first place.  I hope this clears things up.  But I also hope you know I didn’t mean anything I just said.

    Trust is such an important theme in relationships that it deserves its own song.  We are all very concerned with trust and do a lot talking about it.  Trust is like the Kim Kardashian of emotions.  It just keeps coming up no matter where you look.  But I see trust as spectrum – something that has flexibility depending on the person and the situation.  With everyone I love in my life I trust them each in specific ways, and in varying capacities.  Some people are really honest, but are fucking crazy as shit.

    There are those in my life who I trust will always tell me the truth, because it is not in their character to lie.  But that doesn’t mean that they are reliable people.  Or I can trust them to deal with my emotions.  If am questioning if the bags under my eyes make me look gross they will for sure say “yes…”  And if I ask their opinion on work I need critiqued they will be absolutely upfront on how I can improve.  I really appreciate how they never blow smoke up my ass – although I used to be into that sort of thing.

    People who speak their mind in a completely unfiltered manner can be hard to digest, but with a little fiber, you realize they are giving you a great gift.  It is not always what you want to hear, and these are not the people I trust to comfort me when I am down, but I trust that they have my best interest at heart by telling me exactly how they see things.

    I also know people who I know tell white lies, are not upfront with their feelings, but I consider them really dependable friends.  They are empathetic, considerate, great listeners, and often make me feel safe opening up my most vulnerable side.  Even though I can tell they lie about certain things, it is usually harmless, and in some way maintaining their own pride.  I may not be able to trust these people to be completely transparent, yet I can trust that I can be myself completely around them.

    My feelings about trust are that it is not about trusting someone entirely about all things all the time. It is trusting that not matter what happens, you can trust that you can work through it together.  You have trust in the relationship, and you can trust them with your heart.  Because in every bond there are moments where trust is violated, but trusting that you can work it out, to me, is the most imperative.

    For example, I can trust that The Munch will tell me the truth when I ask her if ate a cookie at her grandmother’s house, but I can’t trust her when she says “one last time.”  She never actually means “one last time” because she is a fucking liar!  But I trust that we will figure it out in the end.

    (See…. look at me! Colored lasers all over my face.  You can’t trust that girl!)

    trust-me-you-can't-blog-(i)

    April 8, 2013 • 2 years old, Musings, Relationships • Views: 1408