When I was a kid there was a Mormon PSA about lying, and in it was this song that went “When you tell one lie, it leads to another. So then you tell two lies, to cover each other. Then you tell three lies, oh brother, you are in trouble up to your ears!”
Catchy right? Such a powerful life lesson! So you would think I would have known better than to lie to my parents as a child, but I still did it. If you are likely going to get in trouble anyway, why not lie first and at least try to get out of it? It’s not like if I murdered someone and then told the truth I would not go to prison. Either way I am fucked, so why not say “I have no idea where they are…. Definitely not chopped up and stuffed into this pot of soup that smells like burnt flesh and decay.”
This is a story of one of many lies I told my mom and dad as kid. I was 12 years old and with my best friends Bitty and Elizabeth. My parents were out for the day, and we decided it would be a good idea to paint our fingernails. But we wanted to do this lovely activity while watching a movie in the living room. Because if you are going to be painting your nails fire engine red, you have to be watching “Girls Just Want To Have Fun” in the background.
Now herein lays the problem. My mother had just gotten a carpet custom made, and had given me an extensive list of all the things I could not do in the living room such as eat, drink anything but water, wear shoes, makes messes, or walk on the rug. In fact when we entered the living room we had to crawl along the wall like Spiderman to get to the couch.
But I figured we would put newspaper down, and paint our nails over that. Bitty and I decided that it would be cool do one nail pink and the next orange – so we were sharing polishes. Bitty, however, failed to realize that I had not properly closed the cap on the red, but instead had only placed it in the bottle. So she grabbed the bottle and instinctively shook it. The cap flew off and red nail polish splashed everywhere… including all over my mom’s precious rug.
Toni: “Holy fuck.”
Elizabeth: “Shit Fuck.”
Toni: “Bitty why did you do that?”
Bitty: “Toni, why did I do that? Why didn’t you screw the cap on???? What is wrong with you?”
Elizabeth: “What the fuck just happened?”
Toni: “We have got to clean this up before my parents get home.”
Bitty: “Well why don’t we use nail polish remover?”
Elizabeth: “Okay I will go get some.”
We start scrubbing furiously with nail polish remover.
Toni: “Son of a cock. Its not working!”
Bitty: “Why don’t we add cleaner to it.”
Elizabeth: “Okay I will make a mixture.”
The scrubbing continues.
Toni: “Fucking whore its just making everything pink and the rug fuzzy.”
Bitty: “Oh god.”
Elizabeth: “I know… why don’t we try cutting the stains out?”
Toni: “Okay I will get a knife.”
Bitty: “Like this?”
Toni: “Dude now the rug is pink with holes cut into it.”
Bitty: “Your mom is going to murder us.”
Elizabeth: “You mean you guys. I didn’t do anything.”
Toni: “Well you are in it now.”
Bitty: “I am scared.”
Elizabeth: “Me too.”
Toni: “Don’t worry I have an idea… I am going to get us out of this.” And with that I hid the evidence under the bench and concocted my story.
My parents came home and the first thing they saw was the rug. Bitty, Elizabeth looked at them sheepishly, but I was poised. I had a plan, and it was a good one. I was going to lie my way out of this mess.
My Mom: “Toni! What the fuck happened to my rug?”
Toni: “Fiona (our dog) had her period on it.”
My Mom: “What? How can that be? Fiona is spade?”
Toni: “It can still happen. She can still get her dog period even though she is spade.”
My Mom: “Then why does it smell like nail polish remover?”
Toni: “Well, because Lily’s dad always cleans his dog’s stains with nail polish remover. So I thought it would work.”
My Mom: “Really? Joel cleans his dog’s stains with nail polish remover?”
My Mom: “TONI WHY THE FUCK ARE THEIR HOLES CUT INTO MY RUG.”
Toni: “Well some of the blood chunks were chunkier than others so we had to cut them out.”
My Mom: “Okay that is it. Girls. Separate, I am questioning you each individually.”
Needless to say Bitty and Elizabeth were not seasoned liars like I was, and the truth came out. We all got grounded and my mom gave me The Bearenstain Bears book about how lying is wrong- specially annotated just for me. But we all know that lying wasn’t the real problem. It was the fact that I ruined her rug…. But there was no book for that.
Here are the two main culprits…. Me and Bitty… and some of the MANY specialized pages of the Bearenstain Bear Book