I feel like there are probably moments when you read my writing, and then perhaps ask yourself, “why?” Just “why is this girl like this?” Why did she have to say that? Yes it is warm, but there’s no need to compare going outside to “walking inside a moist vagina.” Just unnecessary imagery.
Was she dropped on her head? Did her mother smoke while she was in utero? (Answer: yes) What is wrong with her?
I think I was just born into an eccentric family. We are all a bit wacky in our own ways, and I believe the email chain I am about to share is pretty much the perfect explanation of who I am.
Here is the context:
In my Dad’s study, there are piles and piles and piles of paper. Kind of like the room of a mad scientist, but instead of test tubes, there is just LOTS of paper with Ancient Greek on it. So my dad decides he needs to clean his study, and the best way to do this, would be to shred all the paper.
My dad then goes on line, and buys and industrial sized shredder. Keep in mind; my dad pays all his bills electronically. There really is nothing in his study that is worthy of shredding, and if there is, I am sure he could tear up that ONE piece of paper.
Yet my dad insisted he needed this industrial sized shredder anyway.
The shredder arrived, and weighed 250 pounds. My dad, who was in Greece, assumed from MILES AWAY that this GIANT MACHINE could be brought up the FIVE flights of stairs to his office by the handy man Tony Farma. My brother interjected, and explained that the shredder is wayyyyy too heavy for that. My brother’s solution is that the shredder stay in the dinning room, yet my mom – who is German and very particular about aesthetic – would not be pleased. An industrial sized shredder in her dining room does not exactly fit into her taste palate.
My brother, however, had grown very attached to the shredder, and insisted that it remain in the dining room. It was now a part of our family, and one can’t just go around abandoning industrial sized shredders.
Enjoy
Title of Email : Applied archaeology on the shredder
Author: My brother
Dear Dad,
So there is this huge heavy box that is sitting in the front hall. I
think what must have happened is Tony Fama intercepted it but then could
not deal with it because it is really heavy and it would seem it would
need a team of ox to do anything about. I recommend it just sit there
for a while. But what I am trying to tell you here is that it is a
multiple person job moving this huge box anywhere. But I like having it
around because it makes me think of you. But it is the kind of thing
that if Mom saw this, she’d shit. Dad, I love you. Son
My Dad’s response
Dear Laszlo,
I swear, your Mom gave her blessings to this. If the shredder can fit
into my 5th floor study, near the wooden ladder that goes to the roof,
then we have a plan. That’s what I pitched to your Mom, and she liked the
idea.
Love,
Dad
My Brother’s response
OK Dad this sounds good.
But what I am saying is this thing seems like
really heavy. So, I am thinking that it might be a good idea for you and
mom to lovingly look at it. What happens if it doesn’t fit? Then one
just has a huge shredder that has been opened and doesn’t fit anywhere.
Can I just propose that the thing sit around until there is a plan? I
just don’t want to have that much to do with it but I assure you that I
pat the huge box lovingly each time I walk past it. Dad, I am cc-ing
Mom.
My Dad’s Response
Dearest Laszlo and hi to your Mom
Actually, our dear Niloo did some very good detective work on the size of
the li’l critter.
Actually, I shouldn’t call it “li’l”, but it’s still supposed to fit
upstairs. It’s just the box that makes
it seem so monstrously big. See what I mean?
But you should not have anything to do with it. Tony will I’m sure hire
some guys to carry the critter upstairs.
And just think of all the fun I will have shredding so much junk.
Lots and lots of shredded paper will go to the trash.
I can hardly wait.
Love,
Dad
My Brother’s response
Dear Dad,
Please know that I would walk through Hades with you to make sure this
shredder finds a home in 8* Revere Street. I was just worried that it
would not fit anywhere. But if you grant me your assurance that this
device will in fact fit, I am happy just to think of many happy hours to
come of you shredding things. I love you so much and I am sorry if I
caused undue alarm with respect the dimensions of the device.
Son Continue Reading
