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• My 5-Year Old Does Not Support the Rockefeller Drug Laws

  

  Every parent has a nighttime ritual with their child to put them to bed. Sometimes that includes a bath, a warm glass of milk, and reading a story. Other times putting your child to sleep involves a discussion about the Police state and Rockefeller drug laws – but to each his own.

  There is a heroin epidemic where I live in New Hampshire, and it is basically impossible not to know someone who is personally effected by this crisis. The Munch and I were talking about someone we love, and how they are dealing with a family member in jail because of heroine. The Munch had a lot of questions about what all this meant, and the complexity of trying to clarify the details to her made something very clear to me.

  The way we treat drug addicts in this country is criminal.

  I think the best way to tell if a system is flawed, is if it’s hard to explain it to a child. If you can’t easily articulate an issue, then something is wrong.

  When the Munch asks about what laws were, I didn’t find it challenging to express why we needed laws. When she asked me some examples of laws, it was perfectly logical to her why it was illegal to steal, or kill someone. There wasn’t a lot of confusion. But when trying to unpack why drugs were illegal and why people go to prison for drugs – that was actually really hard.

  The Munch: What do drugs do to people?
  Toni: They make you feel different – inside your body and your mind.
  The Munch: What do you mean feel different?
  Toni: You know how if you eat a bunch of sugar, and your body feels kind of funny after? Like it’s buzzing?
  The Munch: Yeah… and you have all this energy and want to run around?
  Toni: Well drugs make you feel different sensations in your body and in your brain.
  The Munch: Is sugar a drug?
  Toni: Well it affects your brain like drugs, but it’s not considered a drug.
  The Munch: Is wine drugs? Like how grow-ups drink wine and stuff?
  Toni: Kind of – but wine beer is considered alcohol. Not a drug.
  The Munch: Do people go to prison for wine?
  Toni: No… only drugs.
  The Munch: Why are drugs bad?
  Toni: Because you can get addicted to them.
  The Munch: Like how you say I can get addicted to sugar, or watching too much “My Little Pony.”
  Toni: Yes. Addiction is when you make a decision to do something you know is bad for you, but it’s too hard to make the decision to stay away.
  The Munch: And you go to prison because you have addiction and it’s too hard to stay away?
  Toni: Sort of. But also when you take drugs, you probably aren’t making the best decisions in general because you’re also on drugs. So you aren’t thinking clearly.
  The Munch: But don’t you take drugs when you are sick? Or have surgery? Like how you gave me drugs when I had my eye surgery so the pain would go away?
  Toni: Yes. Doctors give drugs when people are in pain, but those drugs don’t put you in jail.
  The Munch: What are the drugs that put you in jail?
  Toni: Illegal drugs.
  The Munch: But do people take illegal drugs because they are in pain?
  Toni: Yes. Emotional pain. And sometimes physical pain too.
  The Munch: So shouldn’t those people see a doctor for their pain and not go to jail?
  Toni: Yes they should.

  Since the Rockefeller drug laws were introduced, the prison population in the US has skyrocketed! We now hold the honor of being the number 1 country in the world with the most people incarcerated. Maybe the original intention was to make our neighborhoods safer, but sending millions of non-violent offenders to jail for exorbitant sentences has had a detrimental impact on communities. The Rockefeller drug laws are the most significant legal foundation of the war on drugs over the last 40 years. And despite the draconian mandatory minimums being removed 7 years ago, 48% of the people in our federal prisons are there for non-violent drug related crimes. But what if we started regarding drug abuse as a social issue to contend with and not a criminal one?

  These mandatory sentences haven’t addressed why people turn to drugs, but only built the foundation of our current penal system. These drug laws paved the path for the prison industrial complex that we see today – ironically with prisoners as the ones laying the concrete. When prisons become profitable businesses, then filling them up with people is simply free labor for Wall Street.

  So I agree with The Munch – maybe we should be sending addicts to hospitals and not prisons.

  February 15, 2016 • 5 years old, Current Events, Education, Health, Mommyhood, Musings, Parenting, Political Banter, Talking and Not Talking • Views: 3502

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• The Worst Day of My Life! (Munch’s Eye Surgery Saga)

  

  The night before Munch’s wandering eye surgery I couldn’t sleep. Not only because The Munch was getting her eyeball cut open the next day, but also because The Munch was getting HER FUCKING EYE BALL CUT OPEN THE NEXT DAY! I guess the thing I was most nervous about was the anesthesia. It would be a real bummer if that shit killed my kid.

  We had to wake up at 5:45 in the morning to get to the hospital on time. The Munch was in good spirits, and there was a beautiful sunrise on the way. Seemed like a good day to stay alive. When we got there we were waiting in the waiting room and a mother came out from the back where the surgeries were taking place. She was hysterical, and collapsed in her husband’s arms to weep. Munch’s dad and I looked at each other and were like “holy shit.”

  The woman was crying because she had just watched her kid go under, which was obviously pretty traumatic. I looked at Munch who was peacefully coloring, and knew I was in for a fucking experience. Yet because I am a good New England woman who was raised by WASPs, I also knew I would probably just keep all my feelings deep inside and have mental breakdown later when it was appropriate.

  When we were called in, we went to the back room to get prepared. They gave The Munch hospital pajama’s to put on – which was probably the most traumatic part of the story from her perspective. The Munch did NOT want to wear these tiger pajamas. She is SUPER compulsive about her clothes, and seriously wears the same outfit for 3 months in a row. Getting her to change her clothes is like trying to change the mind of a religious fundamentalist.

  But you know what? Because The Munch is a good New England child raised by WASPs, she kept all her feelings inside and put on the outfit. There were a pair of yellow sox she didn’t want to wear, because she NEVER wears socks inside, but when the nurse asked her to put them on, she complied.

  The Munch was then poked, prodded, examined, and check out. She did everything she was asked, and was extremely cooperative. The nurses and doctor kept saying “what a good listener she is,” and “she is so composed and brave!” Which she was! She knows how to be stoic in times of stress, but I also knew that she wasn’t expressing what she was actually feeling – because she learned from the BEST!

  The Munch was then asked what flavor she wanted her anesthesia mask to smell like, and she chose watermelon. When it was time to take her back, I had to put on MY blue hospital gown and doctor’s hair net. And holy shit I did not like that… especially since I and been wearing the same thing all week.

  I held Munch’s hand, and we walked to the operation room – both in outfits we did NOT like. The room was filled with nurses with their blue masks. Munch was told to lie on the bed, and when she did, her little body looked so small. The nurses started strapping her down, and put the anesthesia mask on her face.

  Toni: Does it smell like watermelon?

  Munch nodded her head, and looked around. I put my hand on her heart, and started doing reiki on her. (I of course am a certified reiki practitioner which is a type of healing touch – I mean you can’t be a new age mom and NOT practice reiki. It’s in the handbook). The Munch looked into my eyes and I smiled at her. You can’t act scared in situations like that! Even though in my mind I was thinking “ummmmm this is so mother fucking scary, maybe this was a bad idea.” I was trying remain calm as Munch’s tiny body convulsed as the anesthesia took over.

  Nurse: This is totally normal… nothing to worry about. She is already asleep.

  Munch’s eyes rolled in the back of her head as she thrashed around. Then suddenly, she was still. It kind of looked like she died.

  Nurse: Give her a kiss on her cheek.

  I kissed Munch on her cheek and everyone looked at me.

  Nurse: Are you okay?

  Toni: Of course.

  I went back out the waiting room and immediately sat down to meditate. So yeah, maybe it is kinda weird to be sitting on a waiting room floor meditating, but that is the kind of person I am. I then did some distance reiki on Munch to support the surgery. Which also included whispering and weird gestures. Again, because that is how I roll.

  The TV was on, and I could hear Curious George. It was the same episode Munch was watching on the drive to the hospital. It made me think of her, and wonder if the sound of Curious George would forever mock me if something terrible happened.

  After two hours the doctor came, told us everything had gone well, and that she was sleeping. The doctor explained that she was going to go do another surgery, then come back and check on Munch because if she had over-corrected/under-corrected the eye, she was going to have to do another surgery that day.

  Now part of me thinks that if Ben Carson is a skilled surgeon, then surgery can’t be THAT hard. But isn’t it also kind of insane that a doctor operates on MULTIPLE people a day. If I had just cut open a kid’s face, I think I would need the rest of the morning to recover.

  When The Munch finally woke up, she was in a lot of pain and really disoriented.

  Munch: Can I put my clothes back on?

  The Nurse: We have to wait for the doctor to see you first.

  We sat with Munch as she tried to make sense of the world, and I held an ice pack to her face. The doctor came and put all these eye drops in her eyes, which really stung and hurt her. But The Munch didn’t complain, and just let it happen.

  Doctor: She is probably the easiest patient I have ever had.

  I started to FREAK THE FUCK OUT that the doctor was going to say she had to go back in and do another surgery. I watched as she did all her doctor texts, and noticed she was surprisingly peppy considering she had just done 3 operations and it wasn’t even 10:30 am. Usually by 10:30 I have accomplished eating breakfast and not peeing on my hands.

  Thank Mother Gaia the doctor was happy with her job, and said we could leave.

  Munch: Can I put my clothes back on now?

  We brought The Munch home, and she was pretty fucking miserable.

  Munch: This was the worst day of my life! Almost as bad as if I had Becca over for a playdate!

  Toni: Whoa really? And is Becca really that bad that she is worse than surgery?

  Munch: She is just so annoying and asks too many questions.

  Toni: Well, I hope you are nice to her anyway.

  Munch: I am. I just never wanna have her over for a playdate!

  The doctor had given us eye drops and eye gel to put in Munch’s eye for the healing process. But you know what you really don’t want to happen to your eye after people have been cutting it open it all day? Putting eye drops or eye-jelly in it! I knew she didn’t want to do it, but Munch’s eye also looked like a cyborg! The whites were completely red, and I felt like I should probably do what I was told.

  Toni: Listen Munch, Mama will do the eye drops first, and you will see it doesn’t hurt. It’s not the stingy kind the doctor had. That kind had steroids in it. This is just plain moisturizing eye drops!

  Munch: NO I DON’T WANT ANY MORE EYE DROPS!

  The Munch then started to cry… but these weren’t normal tears. These were tears of blood. Seriously, my child was CRYING BLOOD! Part of me wanted to take a picture of it for Instagram. It was just so poetic, and disturbing. But even I knew that wasn’t a good idea. (Please note that was me being SUPER mature and putting someone’s feelings above my own artistic social media expressions).

  Toni: Watch Munch, I will do it to myself and show you it doesn’t hurt!

  I put the eye drops in my eye, and you know what? It fucking hurt.

  Toni: Uhhh let’s try the jelly instead.

  After an hour of negotiations and 4 cookies later I finally got the jelly in her eye.

  That night I slept in the bed with Munch because I wanted to make sure she was okay. It was a bit like sleeping next to a rabid octopus who was on meth. She did not sleep the whole night. She kept thrashing, pulling at the covers, sitting up, and wiggling around. By the time morning came around I was delirious.

  Toni: Munch are you okay? You didn’t sleep all night.

  Munch: How do you know that?

  Toni: Because you were moving around and I was right next to you! Was your eye hurting?

  Munch: Yes but I didn’t want to complain. I was trying not to wake you up so you could sleep.

  Ummmmm that is so fucking sweet, and obviously indicative of how many times in my life I tell her not to wake me up!!!

  The Munch wanted to play with her toys, but she also was seeing double out of the eye she got surgery on. The first thing she wanted to do was make a necklace out of beads. You know what is really hard to do? String beads onto a necklace when you fucking can’t see. It was so heartbreaking to watch her attempts, and a really ironic activity choice on her end. She would eventually get the bead on after about, oh I don’t know… 45 tries or so. Then she wanted to play with her “play mobile toys,” which are literally the size of molecules. All her toys are so goddamn tiny!!!!!!!!! Why can’t they make a princess crown that is bigger than a ladybug wing?!

  At this point Munch’s eye really hurt, but she didn’t wanna take the medicine.

  Munch: I don’t want that grape medicine because it is too sweet, and so was the watermelon they made me breathe in! IT IS TOO SWEET AND I WON’T TAKE IT!

  Okay, so I guess that serves me right for being an organic eating hippy who gives Munch dirt flavored gum as a treat.

  I tried putting the medicine in ice-cream, but she wouldn’t eat it. I tried crushing up the pills, hiding it in Nutella, and spreading on toast – but after a few bites she noticed.

  Munch: Why does this Nutella taste like grape?

  Toni: It doesn’t.

  Munch: Then what is this purple powder right here? YOU ARE TRICKING ME!!!!! WHY ARE YOU TRICKING ME!!?

  Toni: I’m sorry! I just want you to fell better! I don’t know how else to make you take the medicine.

  Munch: I AM NEVER EATING GRAPE MEDICINE ON NUTELA AGAIN!

  My mom then went to the store to get “baby aspirin,” which according to my mom tasted delicious. She gave it to Munch who immediately spit it out.

  Toni: Come on Munch, just eat it.

  Munch: IT TASTES DISGUSTING!

  Toni: No it doesn’t Here, lemme try it. I will show you.

  I took one of the “baby aspirin” and chewed it to show Munch she was being ridiculous.

  Toni: Jesus H. Christ that is fucking disgusting!!!!!!!!! Give me that bottle mom.

  So it turns out it was just regular aspirin. Not children’s chewable aspirin. Just adult aspirin you swallow. Now not only had I taken an aspirin for the first time in 15 years for no goddamn reason, but I also couldn’t get the taste of aspirin out of my mouth for the next three days.

  Toni: MOM WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

  My mom went BACK to the store and got another painkiller that tasted like cherry. Thank god Munch would take that one.

  That night I was really on the brink of sanity. I was trying for an hour to get Munch to do the eye jelly, and she wouldn’t. Every time I got close, she would get super upset and run away. I couldn’t hold her down, because it is her eye I am dealing with, and you can’t force someone’s eye open.

  Munch: I don’t want you to see the redness!

  Toni: Munch I don’t care about that!? Would you care if I had a red eye?

  Munch: No. But I don’t want my eye to be red. I don’t want jelly in my eye! I shouldn’t have chosen the surgery. I should have just seen double forever!

  Toni: Dude this is the worst it’s gonna be. You’re gonna feel so much better tomorrow I promise! And then you won’t see double any more.

  Munch: I don’t care if I see double… I wish I never had surgery.

  Toni: You are gonna be all better soon. We just have to put the jelly in your eye to help you.

  Munch: BUT I DON’T WANT ANY MORE JELLY IN MY EYE!

  My Mom: Why don’ t you leave, go get some dinner – I will do the eye jelly, give her a bath, and put her to bed.

  Toni: No. I am not leaving. I’m just going to put her to bed.

  My Mom: I can put her to bed. You have to take care of yourself too. Just get out of the house, eat, and take a break.

  Toni: No I wanna be there for her.

  My mom: But she is resisting you to resist you right now. Just go. I can do it once she has settled down and in a better mood.

  Toni: I’m just gonna put her to bed, then I will go.

  My Mom: Let me put her to bed, you are being really annoying!!!

  Whatever Mom, you are annoying!!

  I put Munch to bed, went downstairs, and got dressed to go get food. As I was leaving I could hear the bath running, and Munch chatting away happily to my mom. I ran upstairs and there she was, out of bed, and in the bath.

  Toni: What the dick Mom? She was just in bed!

  My Mom: I got the jelly in her eye, and now she is having a bath before going back to bed.

  Toni: Oh. Thanks.

  All and all, Munch was really fucking impressive. It was not a great experience, but I am hoping it works for the long term,and this is the only time she has to go through it. Not to mention how fucking nice, supportive, loving, and caring all our friends were. SO THANK YOU for going through this journey with us! Especially her little friend who was so worried about what Munch went through, she watched videos of eye surgeries for over an hour to understand the experience. I am dead serious about that…

  

  

  

  

  

  

  November 23, 2015 • Adventures, Family Drama, Health • Views: 3674

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• Harvard Professors and Hospitals Do NOT Mix

  

  When I was 15 years old, you could say I was kind of a nightmare. Not that I was a rude withdrawn teen, just the kind that would steal all your liquor and fill it with water/juice. My parents seriously had a dinner party where they poured everyone cocktails that ended up being “water and tonics” and “apple juice on the rocks.”

  I liked to tinker with mind-altering substances okay?!

  Soooo one fateful Friday, my friends and I came back to my house after school, and decided it was a good time to get fucked up. It was 4 in the afternoon after all. We took some shots, and then had the grand idea of smoking weed – but we didn’t have an apparatus or rolling papers.

  Because we went to private school and were really smart, we problem solved this dire drawback, and realized we could make a pipe out of an apple. I know. Pretty genius. My friend Lila went to work on this task, but since we were already pretty wasted, she ended up slicing her finger.

  My initial reaction was “she’s fine, let’s move on.” Partly because I didn’t want to get in trouble for my friend hurting herself at my house, and partly because we still had weed to smoke. My other friend Marla however did not agree. She was using paper towels to physically hold Lila’s finger on, and insisted we go to the hospital. I resisted. You see, I was raised by WASPs, so we didn’t do things like admit pain or decapitated limbs.

  Marla was relentless and eventually I gave in. So us five drunken high school girls put on our winter coats, and started walking to Mass General Hospital. On our way, as Marla was still holding Lila’s finger on, we ran into my Dad on the street. I did my best not to slur my words.

  Toni: Oh hi Dad. We are just going to the hospital because Lila cut her finger. Shouldn’t take too long. Umm… do you want to come?
  My Dad: No I do not! I fell on the subway steps and hurt my hands! Look!!

  My dad then showed us all the palms of his hands. They were a little pink, and still had gravel on them, but not bleeding. It’s not like… ohhh I don’t know… he had almost cut his finger off and needed to go to the hospital.

  Toni: Okay. Well see you later.

  My dad continued on his way, and we inebriated girls continued on ours. You see, my dad is a Harvard Professor who is AMAZING at all things intellectual, but just is not interested in most things human. Like dealing with hurt teenagers who need medical attention. Anything that takes him away from his cerebral pursuits is major anxiety for him. Plus, he had fallen and hurt his hands remember!! He had to recover from that.

  We finally got to the hospital, and I was starting to panic a little. I really wanted Lila to be okay because I really didn’t want to get in trouble. I rushed over to the front desk to talk to the receptionist.

  Toni: My friend needs help!
  Receptionist: What seems to be the problem?
  Toni: She’s almost cut her finger off…
  Receptionist: Did she hurt her eye or her ear?
  Toni: What? No…
  Receptionist: Well, this is Mass EYE and EAR.
  Toni: It’s not “Mass Eye, Ear and Finger?”
  Receptionist: Afraid not. You’re going to have to go to Mass GENERAL, which is further down the road.

  Eventually we got to the RIGHT hospital, and Lila was taken by the doctor to get checked out. As we are waiting for her to return, Lila’s parents showed up, as did my dad. We sat in silence. Lila’s parents were furious at me for feeding their daughter alcohol and allowing her to get hurt. I was freaking out wondering if my dad had found the apple, weed, and bloody knife we had left on the kitchen counter. And my dad was livid because now he was at the hospital out of his Catholic guilt, and wanted to be home working while not thinking about his sore hands.

  In the end it turns out I was totally wrong, Marla was right, and Lila needed 20 stitches to keep her finger attached to her hand.

  This is my Dad… and this pretty much sums up his essence.

  PS yes he is in a bubble bath

  

  September 9, 2015 • Old School Stories • Views: 4481

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• Shingles and Shenanigans

  

  The other day my mom calls me up and says:

  My Mom: I think I have a tick bite on my chin.
  Toni: I seriously doubt that.
  My Mom: Well I seriously think a tick bit my chin.
  Toni: Mom, you look in the mirror all the time. You would have seen a giant tick hanging off your face sucking your blood.
  My Mom: You’re probably right.

  She calls again the next day.

  My Mom: I think I have shingles on my chin.
  Toni: Why would you think that?
  My Mom: Because my head is all tingly, and my face hurts.
  Toni: Shit.
  My Mom: Can you come over and look at my chin?

  I went over to her house, and looked at her chin. Sure enough, I thought they were shingles too.

  Toni: I think you’re right.

  Now here’s the thing. My mom usually lives in Boston, so she doesn’t have a primary care physician in New Hampsha. The longer you let shingles shingle, they more shingly they get. And let me tell, shingles fucking suck so hard. For me, they were worse than childbirth.

  So OF COURSE I wanted to help my mom and take her to the emergency room so she could get the medication ASAP. But it was also 10pm, and I hadn’t eaten dinner yet.

  Toni: Do you want me to take you to the emergency room?
  My Mom: That would be really nice, yes!
  Toni: Ummm but we could go in the morning right? Like, you’re already all cozy in your jammas?
  My Mom: Oh sure, we can go in the morning.
  Toni: I will go get you some of my hippy shingles medication for tonight.

  As I left her house to grab my new age bark paste –  I felt guilty as fuck. I knew the right thing to do was to bring her to the emergency room that night and not wait until the next day….

  Toni: Here is some dragon eggshell mixed with Echinacea that I used on my shingles… but maybe we should just go tonight?
  My Mom: You don’t mind?
  Toni: OF COURSE NOT! Let me just go eat my hamburger for dinner and then I’ll take you.
  I ate one hamburger, and left my second hamburger behind because I didn’t want my mom and her shingles to wait too long.  For me, this is a lot more tragic than you would think.  But you guys, ever since I was pregnant, I got into the habit of eating TWO hamburgers.  Eating just ONE feels wrong!

  My mom and get to the hospital, she checks in, and I am still super hungry.  We get called back into the room, and the nurse starts checking her vitals.

  Nurse: Now why are you here this evening?
  My Mom: Well my neck has been feeling weird, and I thought it was because I got too enthusiastic in Yoga or something. Like maybe I did a shoulder stand for too long. But then I realized no I didn’t do any such thing. It’s not the yoga. I have shingles.
  Nurse: I see. Do you have any allergies?
  My Mom: No. Well I sneeze all the time, but I’m not allergic to any medications or anything.
  Nurse: Do you take medication for your sneezing?
  My Mom: I take Benadryl every night.
  Toni: HOLY FUCK YOU DO??
  My Mom: Yeah, it helps me sleep.
  Toni: Seriously, I think there are better ways.
  Nurse: Are you two sisters?
  My Mom: I AM HER MOTHER!! BUT THANK YOU!! Everyone always thinks that.

  The nurse left, and the Doctor entered. Now this doctor was not exactly the most jovial character on planet earth. He is an ER doctor in rural New Hampsha and exactly how you would expect him to be. There was no kidding around for him.

  My mom however is a personality and a half. She likes to say things to get a rise out of people, and entertain herself. If you are wondering where I get it from… well there’s your answer.

  Doctor: What brings you here today?
  My Mom: I have shingles.
  Doctor: And why would you think that?
  My Mom: Well at first I thought it was the yoga but… then I realized I didn’t hurt myself in yoga. It’s shingles. See look.
  Doctor: Usually shingles happen with our older patients.
  My Mom: Well I am 63.

  The doctor looks again.

  Doctor: Yeah, it does look like shingles.
  My Mom: Aren’t I clever?
  Doctor: What do you mean?
  My Mom: Aren’t I cleaver to diagnose myself with shingles.
  Doctor: Not really. A lot of people diagnose themselves with shingles. And they’re usually right.
  My Mom: Don’t you still think I’m clever?
  Doctor: I don’t know about that.
  My Mom: I knew if I came in quick, the shingles would go away faster, and hurt less.
  Doctor: There are only half-truths in that statement. That isn’t exactly the case.
  My Mom: Isn’t it better to come in within the first 72 hours? That’s why we rushed over.
  Doctor: When did they start bothering you?
  My Mom: This afternoon. So that’s why we came tonight. Aren’t we clever to get here on time?
  Doctor: Well, you had about 68 more hours you could have waited.
  My Mom: But we are clever.
  Doctor: I will be right back.

  The doctor left and I just sat there with my head in my hands not knowing whether to laugh or try and drown myself. He then returned.

  Doctor: Okay well…
  My Mom: Are you going to prescribe me Valtrex or something?
  Doctor: What I was trying to say is…. I am going to give you something tonight that you can take immediately, then you can fill your prescription tomorrow morning…
  My Mom: Do you think CVS is open right now?
  Doctor: No. Which is why I said I was going to give you something tonight.
  My Mom: Okay well the less drugs the better.
  Doctor: What do you mean?
  My Mom: I’m just not the type of person who takes drugs.

  COMING FROM THE WOMAN WHO TAKES BENADRYL EVERY NIGHT MIND YOU!?

  Doctor: Well I can prescribe you something for the pain, and you don’t have to fill it if you don’t want to.
  Toni: Mom, shingles are seriously painful.  They may not hurt yet because you just got them, but they will.
  Doctor: What did you take for your shingles?
  Toni: I was given the Valacyclovir.
  Doctor: Yes, we could also prescribe steroids, but it is not given to patients under 55.
  My Mom: Well I’m 63. Even though we look like sisters.
  Doctor: I was just saying that’s why they weren’t given to her.
  My Mom: Should I take steroids if I am sad?
  Doctor: What do you mean sad?
  My Mom: Just if I get sad from my shingles.
  Doctor: We can prescribe them. And the painkillers.
  My Mom: How will I get the drugs? Do I just call the hospital and mention your name and they will give them to me?
  Doctor: No. Not at all.
  My Mom: Well how do I get the drugs?
  Doctor: I will write you a prescription tonight that you can take with you.
  My Mom: So I shouldn’t just come in here and drop your name.
  Doctor: Definitely not.

  As you can see, this doctor was just NOT getting my mom at all. Here she was dropping comedy gold, and he was taking her so seriously!! I thought they were going to kick us out of the hospital. There was no way she was going to win this guy over.  But then… he entered with the prescriptions.

  Doctor: Here are your prescriptions for the shingles and also for the pain.
  My Mom: Am I going to turn into Rush Limbaugh if I take painkillers?
  Doctor: Why would you say that?
  My Mom: I just don’t want to turn into Rush Limbaugh.
  Doctor: I don’t think that’s going to happen. You’re not a big fat idiot.
  My Mom: Can you believe that Al Franken was able to go from Saturday Night Live, to writing a book called “Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot,” to being the senator of Minnesota?

  AND just like that –  they were friends!! They talked about Al Franken for the next 5 minutes!!

  Doctor: Well that was quite a tangent. Good luck to you, and if you have any problems come back and I’ll take care of it.
  My Mom: Great. I’ll just drop your name.
  Doctor: It’s a good thing that you came in early and took care of this.
  My Mom: I don’t fuck around.
  Doctor: I can see that.

  The doctor then shook our hands and left as the nurse came in to give my mom her pills.

  My Mom: Nurse, would you mind looking in my ears? They have been really itchy and I just want to make sure there are no ticks in my ears.
  Nurse: Have you been outside?
  My Mom: Just in my screened in porch.

  And sure enough, there were no ticks in her ears.

  

  July 30, 2015 • Adventures, Family Drama • Views: 3610

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