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 1 year old, health, Mommy Mind, Musings
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Sobriety Sucks

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New Year’s eve is this weekend, and it makes me feel how sobriety can really suck sometimes. I am going on three years of absolutely no addictive substances. No coffee, cigarettes, booze, black tar heroine…. It is hard because most adult connections involving leisure revolves around drinking. Alcohol is the ultimate social lubricant because you lose your self–consciousness, and feel a sense of intimacy with those who are getting plastered with you.

But being the sober person around people indulging is a really isolating position to be in. You feel like you aren’t having as much fun as your tipsy comrades, and they feel like you are judging them for drinking. I also miss all the antics you get into while being inebriated. You have wonderful ideas like testing the ice in a the middle of a just frozen lake, getting a tattoo of Yosemite Sam, or making out with a stranger who has dried vomit in their hair.

Maybe I also associate drinking with my youth. Being young and not caring about consequences. I feel nostalgic for those carefree memories of jumping out of a moving car, fighting in public, and waking up with bruises I had no memory of creating.

Being sober was a life choice I made not because I had substance abuse issues, but my relationship to substances came from a place of trying to escape. Maybe that is the case with everyone, but after doing my 10-day silent meditation retreat we all took a vow around basic moral conduct, one of them being not to partake in addictive substances. So I made this commitment and part of me just can’t help but honor it, even if I bore the crap out of myself on nights like New Years Eve. I may feel lonely around other people, but I feel less lonely around myself so I guess I am going to keep going for another year.

But for all you who aren’t existentially tortured have champagne for me and get wasted because fuck it can be a ton of fun!!!!! ☺

HAPPY 2012!!! I hope we have more than 1 year left to live!

Ahhhh good memories!

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  • http://WebsiteURL holly

    Starting the New year with mysterious bruises and vomit in your hair sucks, big time. BTW, the world is not going to end.

  • http://WebsiteURL ginan rauf

    Actually I admire you for making this commitment. And you look great!

  • http://paulbabin.com Paul C Babin

    Toni,
    I stumbled onto your site after viewing “Stressed Out Yoga Chick”. This is your work, right? It’s brilliant and your lead actress is so gifted.
    This blog entry was the first page I landed on and the topic really hit home with me. I got sober 26 years ago and confronted your dilemma many times. What evolved was a movement away from people and situations that included these props. Frankly, it got boring; hair vomit and amazing prat falls still entertained me, but I longed for deeper content.
    Anyhow, …
    Following was my year end reflection. I hope it offers as much as your thoughtful entry did.
    ____________________________________________________

    2011 was staggering. The year took me much, much “deeper” into a perspective that was born long ago. Being “a soul having a human experience”, I made progress in taking the “human” part less seriously. This was accomplished, with varying success, by detaching from thoughts that were based on false beliefs. Detachment sometimes took place instantly; other mind “chatter” continues to hang on or return with an attitude and remind me that I am mortal.
    The staggering part is this: The pathway to “fate”, “god-connectedness”, “higher power”, “luck”, whatever you choose to call it has become a much wider highway. And the consequence of that is, I live in serenity most of my waking hours and find deep satisfaction in so many of the moments that constitute my life. In short, it’s fucking great to be alive. Happy New Year
    _______________________________________________________

    My recent comedic work is here: http://www.mrsgary.tv
    enjoy!