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  • How To Know Which Dude To Breed With?

    Now that I’m in my 30’s – I am surrounded by women who are dealing with their fertility. I have friends that have no interest in procreating, some who are squatting out babies, and others that are squatting on men to try and make some. No matter what their choice, the 30’s are the time when it’s on our minds, and we ladies have to make a decision.

    To breed or not to breed. That is the question.

    If you don’t want to have kids, there is a beautiful freedom to that. There is no pressure to settle down, or find a guy you have to deal with. (Sorry that was my auto correct. I meant to say get to spend your life with because love is eternal). You can be more open to a relationship happening anytime anywhere because there isn’t that impending biological clock knocking you over the head to get knocked up.

    Yet when you want kids, (unless you are down to do it on your own), the current paradigm is so find some guy to go on the journey with you. Of course in an ideal world we could have babies, live in women’s communes, watch each other’s children, and take on lovers as we please. But unless you are ready to hang out with a chick named Chakra and whittle wood, people in intentional polyamorous communities are still pretty wacky.

    Since I lived in NYC for so long, there is large portion of my friends who are single, are into the idea of birthing children, yet don’t know whom they want to produce with. When you live in an urban environment, you tend to have a lot of options of potential DNA to blend with yours. There is that cute skater, the guy that works at the office across from yours, or the dude at the green juice bar that always adds EXTRA ginger for you. Awww shucks, you know how I need to clean out my system juice guy!

    Potential men to poke you are everywhere! Yet they are also nowhere because post-modern people really suck. Guys that text you at 1am asking “wassup,” or that care more about egos than they do about you. The world is filled with narcissists, douche bags, and greedy fucks. And if you happen to find a nice one, you probably think he’s too nice, making it too easy, and then don’t give him the time of day – humans are absurd!

    The other great question is who to make babies with?! How do you know who is the guy you want to hang around for the next 18 years? Of course there is the obvious. Is he a murderer? Has he ever worshipped the devil? Does he drink Diet Dr. Pepper? Yet assuming he is kind, self sufficient, and folds his own laundry, then how do you know if you found the one to give your ovaries to!?

    Here is my Toni Bologna checklist to help you make this pivotal decision.

    1) Do you like sleeping with him once a week?
    2) Do you like eating with him?
    3) Do you like watching TV with him?

    That’s pretty much it.

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    August 19, 2015 • Musings, Sex Stuff, Vagina Stuff, Women's Business • Views: 2899

  • It Turns Out Women Are Just as Perverted as Men!

    Life if full of contradictions. We need the sun for vitamin D, but too much sun can cause cancer. Sunscreen might help prevent skin cancer, but it also might cause cancer from all the fucked up chemicals in it. Nothing is exactly how it seems. The universe is a hazy shade of grey.

    Perhaps… 50 shades of it?

    Sorry… I had to go there.

    The media’s portrayal of female sexuality remains a great paradoxes. We are told we can sleep with guys, yet not too many guys, but as many guys as we want as long as we “lean in” while being a “Tiger Mom” who lost all our baby weight! I read a lot about women and their lady parts because you know… I have a vagina, and get my period, and gross!!!

    I recently came across this article on Jezebel, where the author tricked her boyfriend into seeing a German movie called “Wetlands.” If you know anything about German movies that involve sex, you know that shit is going to get weird real fast. The movie narrative (based off a book) uses flashbacks to tell the story, because the main character, Helen, is stuck in the hospital from cutting her ass open while shaving around her hemorrhoids. A common mistake! The Jezebel author describes Helen as “sexually empowered” and “knowing what she wants” – which involves rubbing her gaping genitals on a toilet seat covered in feces, shoving an avocado up her twatt, and my personal favorite “putting the shower head inside herself and filling her vagina with water until she feels like she’ll burst. Then she pushes until the entire thing feels like it’s going to fall out.”

    Now call me old fashioned, but seriously WTF????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    As a feminist I am supposed to clap my chubby little hands at all things women do to express their deepest desires. Yet I am pretty sure that if this story were about a man I would have just as many questions. Mainly, were you hugged enough as a kid?

    I am happy that women’s sexuality is being depicted as complex. This is progress. You wouldn’t have seen this film or read the novel in the fifties (although it would have made for a pretty epic “Leave it To Beaver” episode). Truth be told, this type of sexual behavior makes me want to hurl. Not because I am some prude who thinks they shouldn’t do it…. BUT HOLY HELL DOESN’T THAT HURT AND ISN’T THAT DANGEROUS??!!

    This is my question: when people’s sexual identities are so intense, doesn’t that border on obsession? Sex is cool and all and should be a priority, but it takes a lot of time to shove a variety of vegetables inside your body. Time that could be spent learning how to farm organically, or petitioning politicians to stop Fracking. Isn’t there a balance between getting freaky like how Helen “fingers her ass until her fingers are brown with butt sleaze,” and not having your sexual preferences take over your life? Is this really a depiction of what “sexual empowerment” looks like? It just seems to me that when people have such vastly extreme tastes, that maybe they are working out something that is much deeper that what can be achieved through aggressive masturbation.

    Sex is just as addictive as any drug, and just as powerful of a distraction from facing reality. Society is struggling with vast terrifying predicaments and like sex and pornography are a few of the key ways grown-ups check out from dealing emotionally with our lives.

    Of course this logic applies to TV, smoking pot, or watching sleepy cat videos on Youtube – soooo cute!!!!! We all run from the responsibility of figuring out how to revolt from the 1% Lizard-People elite who control the planet and will soon be using our blood to fuel for their rocket ship to Mars after this planet has been destroyed by their greed. Yet the more we spend our time jerking off, the more we are not participating positively to the collective effort to better the world for the future.

    I’m glad people are finally waking up to the fact that women can be just as perverted as men. That said, I don’t jump up and down every time I hear about a guy wanting to a martini glass full of a women’s shit; I also won’t be moved to hear about a chick eating a semen covered pizza. Perhaps if the dude was having his diarrhea cocktail while presenting his plan to end sex trafficking at the United Nations, or the woman was munching on her delicious treat up in a tree in the rainforest to protest the degeneration of our most precious source of oxygen, then I would want to know all about it!

    (I mean I guess wiping your menses on your face is a good idea?)

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    January 7, 2015 • Current Events, Musings, Sex Stuff, Vagina Stuff, Women's Business • Views: 9129

  • Losing My Virginity

    I am not sure why I feel compelled to tell this story. Maybe because I spent an ample amount of time watching Madonna videos with my child over the weekend? By the way, if you ever want to challenge yourself intellectually, try watching “Like a Prayer” with a four-year old who expects you to explain the symbolism of making out with a black Jesus statue that cries blood.

    When we got to “Like A Virgin,” and I watched as Madonna writhed around Venice with a lion, I began to think back to my own virginity. Where had that pesky thing gone, and could I get it back for this networking party I am going to?

    Virginity is sacred. I say that not from a religious or moral perspective, but rather an observation of its impermanence. There is innocence to virginity because you are protected from the absurdity of mashing your genitals against another person. Although at times if can be hard to appreciate, it is still something to maintain and cultivate like a bed of flowers – even if you want someone to garden with. Virginity deserves to be cherished. Once you start having sex, you never stop. Everything after it is colored with a different context. A kiss no longer begs the question of if it will lead to sex – but when. That is the main reason to hold to your virginity is once you let go, it never comes back.

    Fly little virginity bird… fly far far away!

    We all have our “losing our virginity” stories…. This just happens to me mine.

    I was in the 8th grade, and one of my best friend’s was the “bad boy” of our class – so obviously I was into him. By the way… I went to a really preppy school, so being “bad” meant he took French instead of Latin. One day we were on the phone talking about sex while I was doing my math homework.

    Toni: What is the big deal? I don’t get it. Anyway… do you know what 30% of the square root of whatever is?
    The Boy: I don’t know… Hey, so maybe we should just do it and find out what it’s all about?
    Toni: Okay fine.

    I actually didn’t really care what it was all about, or what the big deal was. I had never even kissed a boy except once while playing “truth or dare.” It wasn’t the worst thing ever, but I also found that experience to be less enjoyable than eating skittles. I guess I was curious about sex… but I think my real motivation was that I was bored.

    The Boy came over while my parents were at the movies. He brought some weed and condoms even though I am pretty sure neither of us had any STDs, nor had I even gotten my period yet. We smoked a joint, and reality melted in that unique way that it does when you get high at 14.

    We went over to my bunk bed, and he went down on me. It lasted for about an hour, and I know that because I was looking at this pink radio clock next to my head. It would play “Here Comes The Sun” to wake me up, and I remember thinking how that song was probably my least favorite of Beatles – except for Revolution! That one really sucks. I didn’t hate what The Boy was doing, but I also wasn’t really paying attention. I knew it was a nice gesture though.

    Eventually I got up, and we sat next to each other wondering what to do next. We talked a little bit about how our English teacher was an asshole, and how science class would be okay if we dissected more stuff. We then decided that They Boy should take off his pants. Now, I had never seen a penis besides my brother’s when we were kids in the bath, so I didn’t understand why The Boy’s was pointing upwards rather than hanging down. I asked The Boy “Why is your penis floating like that?” and he looked at me REALLY confused.

    You guys this was the 90-s!! There was no easy access to porn! I had never seen an erection before!!! The only adult nudity I had ever been exposed to was my grandfather’s Playboys – and those were all naked girls. I had heard of boners before, but I didn’t really know what it meant in the flesh.

    After staring at his suspended penis for a while, we then discussed the concept of my giving him a blowjob – which also needed an explanation. I felt this was a fair trade considering The Boy’s previous effort, but I was also tentative about actually putting a penis in my mouth.

    Toni: But you pee out of there?

    I then had the amazing idea of going down stairs to get coffee ice cream to put on his penis so it would taste better. I guess had a lot to learn about the laws of physics, and the effects of cold on tissue… but I was right about the ice cream tasting delicious.

    We then had sex. At least we both thought we did. At one point he told me to turn around so we could try doggy style. I still had braces on my teeth.

    We then swore each other to secrecy and went back to being friends. I feel lucky that I happened to have a partner who was not only kind, but also prioritized my taste buds over his shrinkage. Even though we were both WAYYYYY to young to be having sex, at least he spoke French.

    (Here is my braces clad 8th grade self)

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    November 10, 2014 • Musings, Old School Stories, Relationships, Sex Stuff, Vagina Stuff • Views: 5917

  • Do You Like Kissing for Kissing’s Sake?

    Have you ever wondered why we lick each other’s tongues? Kissing is one of those rituals that seems normal, but when you think about it for too long it is actually strange as fuck. What possess us to open our mouths at each other, and then mush them together? It is not like horses kiss… or lizards? Why do us humans have the desire to smack our lips together in a somewhat rhythmic fashion?

    There are a couple of theories. One is that just like birds or monkeys, humans used to “mouthfeed” their young. Meaning prehistoric Mammas would chew up their tiger meat, and then spit it into their baby’s faces for nourishment. I feel like I missed out on some pretty cool opportunities to get my kid to eat steamed Kale by not doing this. Just saying. So there was this pre-existing practice of mouths swapping contents, but instead of food adults would exchange salvia. YUM!

    Yet the reason why tasting another person’s slobber is relevant, is because there is a lot of biological information about a person’s health inside their drool. So licking up spittle is a way of mate selection… the better the taste and the better the kissers, the better the reproducers. So that is why some people taste like rat skin! Thanks nature!

    Even though we all enjoy kissing, I do think that the genders have different relationships it. Often times, chicks like to kiss for kissing’s sake. That is why drunk girls will get all sloppy and kiss each other. Don’t freak out…. I am not hating on inebriated same sex making out. I have done it. But it wasn’t because I wanted to feel my friend’s boobs or anything – I just wanted to experience the sensation of the kiss. A girl can be totally satisfied by a kiss, and in many cases that is all she wants.

    Just because a girl kisses you doesn’t mean she wants to fuck you, but I would bet 99 times out of 99 times when a guy kisses you, he is basically saying “lets do this with our crotches too okay?” Dudes mostly regard kissing as a precursor to sex. I bet a tongue going into a mouth just reminds them of other pointy things they have that likes going into stuff. When you kiss guy, they get a boner, and then they are like “hey, this wont’ go away until I put it inside of something warm. So you have any holes you want filled or what?”

    It is not that ladies owe a guy sex just because she kisses him, but chances are that he is going to bring it up – since it is up anyway. So for the girls who want to make out but not bang, they then have to say, “maybe you need to put that into a cup of custard instead of me because I just was just looking for a kiss.” But it is kind of awkward to reject a guy after you kissed him because he gets this sad disappointed look on his face, like you just kicked a kitten in the twatt.

    Sooooo I have an amazing idea to solve this problem. You know how dudes drug girls with roofies? Chicks should drug guys with anti-boner pills before kissing. They could just slip it in their Miller Light, make out as much as they want, but not have to deal with him trying to poke her with his penis. Everybody wins!

    (Here is Miley Cyrus kissing some pretty weird shit – you’re welcome)

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    September 4, 2014 • Musings, Relationships, Sex Stuff • Views: 7283

  • The Preppy White Hiker

    Walking is like cocaine. Seriously it is. It releases the same endorphins, and stimulates the same of the brain that makes you want to talk.  Walking while talking makes you more open, and facilitates dialogue. If you are ever in an intense argument with someone, go for a walk together and immediately the energy will change.

    When you hike a mountain with someone, not only are you high as fuck from the altitude, but also the walking. Of course on your way up it is hard to communicate because you are trying to breathe while also wondering why you went hiking in the first place, and if you even like hiking at all.  Yet after you bask in the accomplishment of making it to the top, the hike down is prime opportunity for some epic conversations.

    My friend Sasha recently came to visit me, and we went on adventure hiking up a mountain. On our way down, we did what any normal person would do – start talking about sex. For the majority of the hike we were the only ones on the trail, so by this point all our inhibitions melted away as we got intimate – in the discussion… not with each other you pervert.

    We were going on and on about past experiences, fantasies, likes, dislikes – totally oblivious to the world around us.  Now, the way were were traversing down the mountain was in the following positioning. I was in front, while Sasha was behind – revealing herself as I was taking it all in.  Wait… stop begin so gross. I meant she was talking and I was listening.

    Just as Sasha was exposing one of the most personal private parts… of her story you sicko… I saw a man coming towards us.

    He was the quintessential white, New England hiker. I am pretty sure he is the type of dude who chops wood to warm his cabin at night, reads Thoreau with a warm glass of whisky on a whicker chair, and the only time he has ever talked about his feelings is when he said “see you later” to his dad on his death bead. This was not a man who seemed to be in touch with his emotions, nor would he ever share any personal details about his life beyond what brand of wool socks keeps you most warm once wet with morning dew.  He was wearing his hiking boots, shorts, plaid shirt, a back pack with water, and sun hat.  He was that guy.

    We made eye contact through the trees, and I wanted to communicate to Sasha that this man was coming – but I didn’t know how…  I just kept walking forward and letting her talk, sort of thinking everything was going to be okay because she must have seen him too right?  The Preppy Hiker kept walking towards us, and could hear everything that was coming out of Sasha’s hole…. in her face you horny toad!

    Sasha: Every time I have been in a situation where people are having sex right in front of me I get super turned on. I just really get off on watching other people fuck.

    Right as Sasha uttered that last word – she looked up and saw the hiker.

    White New England Hiker: Uhhhhh… Don’t mind me….

    That was pretty much the best moment of all of our lives.

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  • The Expectation of Sex

    When you are in a relationship, there is an expectation that you are going to rub private parts in some sort of a rhythmic fashion relatively often. Part of committing yourself to someone is the guarantee that you can get laid without having to spend a night on the prowl, hunting for someone to fluid bond with. We settle down not only for love, intimacy, and connection – but also so you don’t have to work as hard to get your rocks off.

    Recently, a husband sent his wife a spreadsheet documenting all the times he asked her for sex, and all the times she rejected him. Supposedly he tried to initiate banging 27 times over the course of 7 weeks, and was vetoed all but 3 times – sighting excuses such as “I am gross and sweaty, I am too full and drunk, you are too drunk, I need a shower I am gross, and I am tired.” So this charming husband sent his wife this document of proof, which she in turn uploaded to Reddit for the world to see.

    For me, the most important and relevant question that is not addressed is HOW did this man initiate sex? Did he just pull out his cock and balls and say “how about some of dese nuts?” Did he randomly grab her boob while she was watching TV and expect her to get all randy? Was he wiggling his ass in her face and pointing to his anus while she was unloaded the dishwasher? Context is important! If he was making an actual effort to entice her and she kept shutting him down than I think his frustration is somewhat justified, but if he was just pushing his boner against her ass while she was trying to reach for a glass of water, then come on man…

    There are obviously a lot of “red flags” when it comes to this particular “Microsoft Office” relationship, but I think the spreadsheet is indicative of a problem familiar to many couples. Sometimes one partner wants to boff, and the other isn’t interested. Obviously communication is key when it comes to a healthy sex life, but so is romance and courtship. When you first get together you would never assume sex just because your gonads were enflamed – you would put in a little “one two how’s your father” so the person you desire gets in the mood. In a new relationship you wouldn’t act like sex was a given, and there would be attention to sensuality.

    On the one hand if you have been with someone a long time, you don’t always want to cook a 7-course meal and light enough candles to create a fire hazard for a grind session. Yet there is a middle ground between a weekend Paris and pointing at your junk and grunting “now.” Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you own their body, nor does it mean they owe their body to you. When part of a couple it is pretty common that someone will give into sex because they don’t want to reject their lover, not because they are actually interested in getting naked. People pout and get offended when turned down, but we also can be really presumptuous that it is something indebted to us.

    Sex should be a mutual exchange that is rooted in mutual desire. If you aren’t getting it enough, that is probably indicative of other parts of the dynamic that need to be addressed. Long-term monogamy isn’t exactly a recipe for lust, yet it is still important to throw a little game at your lover.

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