When I was a kid, school shootings didn’t happen. It wasn’t something I had ever even heard of, or considered as a possibility. Now they are almost becoming commonplace, and we are all scrambling to understand why.

I don’t think there is a simple one-answer reason or solution. Death and murder surround us, it just takes a variety of forms – politically justified wars, police brutality, the killing of the planet. Modern children are exposed to a culture of violence that has obviously impacted their respect for life. There are many aspects that play a part in these school shootings – gun laws, kids being medicated by powerful psychiatric drugs, video games, media, and Columbine creating a precedent, which impacted mob mentality and groupthink. The idea of school shootings is in the zeitgeist, and as a consequence confused and disturbed psyches have been inspired.

For every school shooting there are commonalties as well as an individual context. We will never be able to pinpoint the smoking gun, but that doesn’t mean we can absolve ourselves of responsibility. I think there is a tendency to look at the parents and wonder what kind of monsters would have raised such a monster. Yet some of these parents are nice people, who were doing their best. At some point, however, they lost touch with their child, and had no idea what was going on in their heads.

I remember so vividly being a teenager and feeling alienated from my parents. I didn’t think they would understand, so I withdrew. I hid drug use, binge drinking, and losing my virginity at 14. They had some idea of what was going on, but there was also a lot they didn’t know, and I would never tell them. Being a teenager is incredibly isolating, and the hardest thing to get them to do is talk to you.

I am a parent, but to a 3-year old, not 13-year old. I acknowledge this is a stage of life I have yet to experience, but I do know one thing. Perhaps the most important commitment we need to have towards our kids is not about monitoring their behavior, telling them what do, or making sure they get perfect grades – but instead maintaining a culture of open communication.

That is not easy. Of course it isn’t. But neither is waking up 7 times a night and changing a shitty diaper with your eyes closed. The difference between the vulnerability of your infant and your teenager is negligible, even though it doesn’t seem that way because your teen can wipe their own ass. I think it is easy to forget how much your teen needs you because they seem so independent, and also keep yelling at you to get our of their room. But there is a way to get through to them; you just have to find it.

I don’t think it’s the parent’s fault that kids kill each other. But I do think that parents being closer to their children will make more of a difference than anything else. I understand this is an esoteric suggestion, but it doesn’t have to be. As a society we need to value, promote, and support genuine communication and connection. This is hard to do in these postmodern times where so much of life is distracted by technology and the pursuit of profit. Adults have been conditioned to be emotionally checked out, because that is what keeps us in line. Yet despite the current circumstances, we all intuitively know that something is flawed, and that is the first step.

We stay connected to our children by being connected to ourselves. When we honor honesty and self-reflection we create a culture within our family that has a contagious effect. Kids are smart, and they see through the bullshit and hypocrisy that adults think they hide so well. The best way to earn the respect of your child is through transparency and willingness to grow along side with them. The more you are open with them, the more open they will be with you.

Of course your kid will push you away at times. That is part of the process of growing up. Yet if you can build a foundation of genuine trust, then at least there is a much greater chance they wont feel so alone and desperate. I will never know or understand what would drive a person to bring a gun to school and kill their peers. Most of us can’t relate to that impulse. Yet I don’t think all these kids were psychopaths destined for a murderous future. They hit a breaking point, and snapped. We need to figure out how to support our children before they lose all hope, and part of that is never giving up trying to hear what they have to say.