I have a thing with public bathrooms. They really gross me out. If I am going to use one, I hover over the seat like a helicopter. My thighs burn from the squatting position during the time it takes for various substances to evacuate my body.

When my kid needs to use a public facility, I use toilet paper to create a crown for her. Even then, her hands end up touching the seat and the back of her shins will make contact with the bottom part of the potty. It is really hard not to get anal about all the germs coating the latrine. If you are going to be anal anywhere, it might was well be in the John.

So the other day The Munch and I were at the beach and rather than peeing outside in the woods like a normal person, she insisted on going to the porta-potty. This was my worst nightmare. I had coffee that morning, which is a rare thing for me, so not only was I high as fuck, I was on edge and full of anxiety.

Toni: Dude, I really don’t want you going in there. Just pee over here – behind the bush.
Munch: No Mom! I want to just use the potty.
Toni: Munch it is so gross in there. Just lets go over here… and pee outside.
Munch: MOM!
Toni: Okay fine. But let me take your leotard off out here.
Munch: Why are you doing it out here? What are you doing?
Toni: I don’t want you to get your clothes all gross in there.
Munch: Mom, now I am naked.
Toni: Its fine. Okay… so I am going to just hold you up over the potty, and dangle your butt over the seat.
Munch: Uhhhhhhh okay.
Toni: Here we go… now pee.
Munch: Mom is the pee going in the potty, I feel it dripping down my legs?
Toni: Yes it is. Sorry… let me change the angel. Is that better?
Munch: Mom, you are really freaking me out right now.
Toni: Listen… it is just better this way. Trust me.
Munch: Mom, I really don’t like the way you are acting.
Toni: You are going to thank me later when you don’t have someone else’s pee on the back of your thighs… just your own.

(I mean… would you want to bring that leotard into a porta potty??)