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  • The Fart Book

    My sister in law gave me a fart book. I know what you are thinking. You have a sister in law? Oh… sorry… What is a fart book? Right. Well, it is a book not only describing the different varieties of flatulence, but also has sound effects so as to experience the auditory assault. Part of me kind of wishes it was scratch and sniff.

    Needless to say, it is of course The Munch’s favorite book. She spends a good portion of each day pressing the fart noise buttons creating the soundtrack of my life; different remixes of “the exploder”, “the flight of the buttock bees,” “the aftershock,” “the seismic blast,” and “the poof.”

    Usually anything that entertains her I am okay with her doing, so I am a big fan of the fart book. Except when I am on the phone. She will come real close, like a ninja without me noticing, and press the fart button. The sound is unmistakably a fart, and no matter who is on the other end of the call, they never believe it is coming from a fart book. Who in the world has a fart book? So now all my friends, the AT&T operator, the lady trying to get census information, and my uncle all think I have a seriously disturbed digestive system. I am probably going to start spending a lot more time alone now…

    December 9, 2011 • 1 year old, Books, Playing • Views: 1729

  • Baby Nose Job

    Isn’t it hard to trust people? Finding someone you trust with your child is as difficult as finding someone you trust with your heart. You want them to love your little brat as much as you do, so your monster feels the same loving environment you provide for their selfish ass when you are not around.

    I have found the perfect babysitter for The Munch and her name is Liliana. She is from Moldova, a cuntree I never heard of which at first made me feel dumb, but I bet you never heard of it either so now I feel smarter than you. Her Russian-esque accent makes her sound like a vampire and her hair is so well groomed she puts any thoroughbred to shame with her magnificent mane.

    Yesterday Liliana was watching The Munch and everything seemed fine until she came running into the house with a hysterical baby in her arms.

    “Toni, I so sorry. She fell, and now her nose broken. She cry and cry and she hurt.”

    Okay, I am sure The Munch did not enjoy falling on her face, and her nose was bleeding, but I was pretty positive it wasn’t broken.

    “Liliana it is okay! Babies fall!”

    “But I was right there. It was my fault I no catch her. She play with ball, and we play so well together. But never again do we play with ball.”

    Poor Liliana, the sweetest girl on the planet was crying about not being able to stop The Munch from falling, The Munch was crying as bloody snot covered my shoulder, and I didn’t know who to comfort first.

    As most guys know, nothing takes the pain away like a boob in your mouth, so that was my first plan of attack. Ummmm a boob in The Munch’s mouth you pervert. Liliana ran to get ice to try and ice her nose, which of course was pressed up against my boob. The Munch was not a big fan of this ice idea and kept moving her face, so now Liliana was icing the top of my nipple.

    “I so sorry Toni. She go to hospital yes?”

    Okay, so her nose was bruised, and her lip was so swollen you couldn’t see her teeth when she tried to smile, but there was no way I was going to take her to the hospital. What could they do for her? Give her a baby nose job? She would never sit still for that!

    “Liliana I swear I think she is going to be okay…. Besides if it is really broken she can always get plastic surgery when she is older and fix it right?”

    But after twenty minutes of tears she was back to her old self despite her enflamed face, although we did discuss our surgery plan if her nose does not heal perfectly.

    “Oh no! Not my face mom! Not that face!”

    “Can you still tell even with crusty food and blood on my face?”

    “What about the profile? Still flawless right?”

    October 27, 2011 • 1 year old, Adventures, Baby Body, Health, Playing • Views: 3555

  • Stupid Journey

    You know how wise people say “It’s not about the destination, but the journey?” Well, if you don’t you should spend more time on the internet looking up motivating quotes and videos of kittens. My rational mind thinks this is the most profound life advice after “wash your face before your ass,” but my emotional self finds this thinking hard to live by.

    The tendency to live life as a means to an end neglects the truth of the universe, that life is an end in and of itself. Maybe that is why religion can be so intoxicating and dangerous? If you are not living the life you want your sacrifice can find solace in the potential reward of heaven, but what is the point of living for your afterlife?

    If you were to be honest with yourself, isn’t the journey always the most rewarding part of the experience? For example, education isn’t a means to just get job right? Learning doesn’t end once you stop going to school, because educating yourself should be a lifelong process… which brings us to yet another great motivational quote. “When you stop learning, you stop living.”

    Or lets say you work endlessly to accomplish some goal, and then you achieve it. After the initial high of success don’t you feel the void of the journey being over? An emptiness that can only be filled by the next adventure?

    The Munch teaches me this important lesson every day when I try to go upstairs. She doesn’t want me to carry her because she wants to climb them herself, but here is the annoying part. She goes up 4, comes down 6, sits on a step and points and something, goes up two, down 1, sits again and looks at her feet, up 7, down 9, finds a piece of lint and rolls it between her fingers, down 2 more, up 3, stares at the ceiling and asks “what’s that?” She doesn’t give a crap when we get to the top of the stairs. She is just having fun climbing on them. These moments on the stairs gives me a lot of time to think about shit like the journey because otherwise I might throw myself down them.

    October 26, 2011 • 1 year old, Adventures, Baby Brain, Musings, Playing • Views: 908

  • Waiting Around To Die

    Do you ever feel like life gets in the way of you trying to live? That there are so many responsibilities like work, raising kids, washing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning your house, going grocery shopping, paying bills, masturbating, that you don’t have any time or energy to actually live life? You end of convincing yourself that there is always tomorrow, so you never end up enjoying today.

    What would life be like if we all lived each day like it was our last?

    Isn’t that the most empowering and terrifying idea you have ever thought of?

    That is why traveling can be so good for the soul. You are in a place you have never been and tend to say “yes” to everything. “Sure I will go skinny dipping with sharks. Who cares if I have my period and a gaping wound on my foot? I am in Australia lets go!” How can we bring that adventurous energy into our every day lives rather than existing like we are waiting around to die?

    I have been thinking about this idea because sometimes I get bored hanging out with a baby. Not that The Munch isn’t delightful, but there are moments when you say to yourself “Man, I already know how to count… and yeah puddles do get your shoes wet, and yes that is a car…” Rather than living her wonderment of the world I try to entertain myself by distracting myself in one way or another… but then I realized something.

    If I don’t stop to look around once in a while, I might miss something…

    Not only is my time with The Munch as a baby finite, but she is the embodiment of living like there is no tomorrow. She gets so excited by the most seemingly simple experiences from laughing at her farts to the pride of climbing the stairs, and commits to each moment with full attention. Even though it might not be a big deal for me to watch a ball role down a hill, if I can see the world through her eyes watching gravity is way more entertaining then watching TV.

    Perhaps what adults need most is a childlike approach to our grown-up lives? Maybe there is bliss hidden behind the most mundane chores if you choose to see the game of reality? Isn’t it just as absurd to live in a state of stress and anxiety than it is to live in a state of perpetual play? Or maybe I am just immature… after all, I still find farts to be hilarious!

    “OMG did you hear that one?? I think I might have shat my pants!’

    October 18, 2011 • 1 year old, Adventures, Mommy Mind, Musings, Playing • Views: 671

  • Music Rocks (Except When It Is All The Same)

    The relationship between music and humans is a love story. You have to wonder about the first person who technically “made” music, but I am sure they were inspired by the existing music of nature. The music of rain, the music of thunder, the music of the ocean’s waves, the music of wind, the music of breath, the music our mouths make when they mingle in the soaking veil of dancing tongues… oh… wait… sorry, I got carried away.

    It is human nature to move our bodies to music with its soothing repetition daring our hearts to synchronize with the rhythm. Babies instinctually know to bounce and sway to the beat.

    They love music and they also love singing.

    Okay, but this is where things get kind of queer. Babies do love singing, but they have seriously crappy tastes sometimes. If I try to sing The Beatles or Zeppelin to The Munch she is pretty ambivalent… but “itsy bitsy spider” or “the wheels on the bus” and I feel like Adel she is so overcome by my talent.

    So this is what I noticed. All these songs have the same stupid tune!!!

    ABC (The Alphabet Song)
    Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
    Bah Bah Black Sheep

    This spider wasn’t so itsty bitsy, but The Munch LOVED her

    October 6, 2011 • 1 year old, Education, Playing • Views: 719

  • Do It Again!

    Think of something that you really really like… is there a limit to how many times you want that thing to happen? Okay fine, if you are a guy, you have to wait a half an hour before it can happen again, but do you find as an adult you are emotionally prepared to let good time be just that? You don’t have to repeat it again and again and again and again and again and again…

    This is the problem with kids. You do something they enjoy or think is funny and they want you to do it again. You would think it wouldn’t be as humorous the 27th time I made the stuffed bear sneeze into the dolly’s face… but it is…

    The Munch either lives in a time warp of extra dimensions where everything is happening both simultaneously and continuously in infinite space, or she has the memory of a goldfish. I feel like I am living in the Twilight Zone because her reaction of joy never seems to diminish no matter how many times I repeat the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over…

    Now this is where things get kind of twisted…

    The Munch is REALY into reading books right now. Let me rephrase, she is really into ME reading books to her. Okay. Theoretically this is great right? It is a sign of intelligence that she will sit down and let me read to her for an extended period. That or she is smoking weed behind my back and wishing I would just let her watch TV already.

    But this is my problem. Baby books are about as exciting as waiting in line at the DMV. Sometimes I feel like if I have to make another freakn’ animal noise I am going to shove a fork through my nose and into my brain to give myself a lobotomy.

    I tried to explain to her “Look Munch… it really isn’t going to get you anywhere in life to know that a pig goes ‘oink’ or what color the ducky is. For all we know what you see as yellow is what I see as green, you dig? You see how colors don’t really matter? Besides, when you grow up you will have the internet implanted into your brain. Why don’t we just take a break from reading this and go play in the toilette for a bit?”

    But no… If I stop reading before she is ready it is as if I scraped her soul with the broken shards of unicorn horns she is so distraught.

    So I started hiding some of her books.

    I know… I know… it is wrong of me…. And besides, she is so sneaky she found them anyway….

    “Okay Munch… that is a Tiger… not that it matters to you because they will all be extinct soon anyway…”

    October 5, 2011 • 1 year old, Baby Brain, Behavior, Books, Education, Parenting, Playing • Views: 928

  • Funny When You Fall

    You know those moments where you are minding your own business, and then someone trips and falls right in front of you. Isn’t that the best? Of course, you don’t want them to seriously hurt themselves with bones protruding from their skin and road rash covering the entirety of their left ribcage… but someone else’s harmless fall can bring you an immense amount of joy.

    This awesome activity of laughing at someone else’s fall is one of the perks about hanging out with a baby. They fall all the time.

    Recently The Munch is practicing going up and down hills. This is very exciting for me, because when she falls going down hill it is usually accompanied by a summersault of sorts. This is more funny when she lands in a puddle or bush.

    Another classic move is if she puts something over her head to play peek-a-boo, gets disoriented, can’t free herself, then falls.

    I will tell what is not funny though… when The Munch laughs at me when I fall. The other day I not only fell, but stubbed my toe and was bleeding! But she still laughed and laughed. I wondered where she learnt to be such a jerk!?

    She almost fell here but just caught herself on the stupid stroller…

    October 4, 2011 • 1 year old, Adventures, Playing • Views: 1029

  • We All Must Be Part Retarded

    Do you realize how many times a baby hits their head in a day? It is not like I have the most extreme baby either. She isn’t training to be a ninja or anything. But I swear on everything holy The Munch hits her head anywhere between 10 and 20 times a day.

    She hits her head on the corners of tables, she hits her head on the edge of the bathtub, she hits her head standing up while underneath something, she hits her head on the floor if she falls too hard, she hits her head if she is leaning too far on the stairs and topples over, she hits her head when she throws it back into my face.

    No wonder humanity does such stupid stuff like throwing trash into the ocean and remaking every good movie from the 80’s… we all hit our heads too many times as babies! Duh!

    (Please notice the busted lip from The Munch not only bumping her head, but then falling on her face)

    September 23, 2011 • 1 year old, Baby Body, Baby Brain, Environmental Impact, Musings, Playing, Political Banter • Views: 8125

  • I Am A Loner Dottie, A Rebel

    Do you remember when you were a kid and would want a friend to come over? You would have your mom call their mom and make all the arrangements. Wouldn’t that be rad if we still operated like that?

    “Mom? Can you call my Susie’s Mom and ask if she wants to go out dancing at the club tonight?”

    Since The Munch still only speaks in Muncheese… I have to organize all her play dates myself. Well, actually, these “play dates” are mostly just me hanging out with my friends who also happen to have babies, and consists primarily of my favorite activity of talking about me. No I am just joking… we are mostly talking shit about you behind your back.

    I like to have baby extravaganzas where a few babies come over. My thinking is that all the babies would interact and The Munch would have the best time telling them about her toes, where her nose is, and how the best way to get off the couch is by sliding down on your tummy. But the reality is that babies don’t really play together. They play around each other.

    But sometimes one baby will start to engage another and you can see how these future humans will be one day be socializing. Some babies are the aggressors, some like to follow others around, some wait to be pursued and then play hard to get. Sure there is a lot of hitting, drooling, pushing over, and bumping into involved… but my point is, there is an effort.

    The Munch on the other hand is such a loner! Every time a baby comes near her she gives them the stink eye and turns her back to them. She is like a lone wolf pacing the perimeter. If I didn’t know better, I would say she thinks she is too good to be hanging out with other babies. Maybe because being around babies is just so drastically different than what it is like to spend the day with me. For instance, yesterday I tried to climb the stairs but got stuck on the first one so cried, I ate a banana too fast so puked it out and then rubbed the vomit in my hair, I found my eyes then found the eyes on my bear then poked the bear’s eyes then poked my own, I put some rocks in my mouth, I poured the dog bowel of water on the floor then slipped and cried, I whispered to myself as I took all the books out of the book shelf, I laughed at a spoon then threw it on the floor then cried that I couldn’t reach it, and then I shat my pants. See the difference? Must be total culture shock for her.

    “Ummmm yeah… these are my blueberries…”

    The only way to take a picture of all four of the babies was to quarantine them

    August 18, 2011 • 1 year old, Baby Brain, Parenting, Playing • Views: 840