Working Mommy

  • Maybe I Have To Find My Own Meaning

    Life can be disappointing.  When you are a child the worst thing that can happen in your day is not being allowed to add sugar to your sugar cookie.  But as an adult, having ambitions, dreams, expectations, desires, you often have to deal with crushing rejections and failures.  Whether it’s your work life, your love life, or just your life life, things often do not work out the way you had expected.

    Point is, sometimes I lay awake at night and feel like a total loser.  Contemplating my existence, staring into the black redness of my eyelids, and feeling lame and unimpressed.  But then I think of The Munch.  This being I have created.   “Well at least I have this creature I made with my body and have been keeping alive for 2 years…”

    Although it is so very tempting to make your child your purpose in life, the meaning to the mayhem, I think this is a very dangerous approach.  Of course your offspring will be the most significant act of your existence, from a spiritual and cosmic perspective, but that doesn’t mean that they are your accomplishment.  When you start to think of your kid as an achievement, you objectify them.  They become an extension of you, rather than their own entity.

    Even if you have never had a child, we are all children of someone, and have experienced that very distinct moment where you choose to live your life beyond the direct influence of your parents.  Maybe for some of us, we will always hear the nagging voice of the parental perspective… pecking away at every decision.  But I think most people aim to embrace their conditioning, but question if who mommy and dadddy wanted them to be is the same as who they actually are.  The healthiest dynamics allow for that pivotal self-reflection and eventual evolution.

    But when you place all your hopes, dreams, and expectations of self onto your child, you create cascading pressure for them to be exactly how you envision them rather than following their own path.  It is seductive to shift all your ambitions to your child because they are the living embodiment of potential.  Sometimes our own lives can feel wasted, but theirs so full of hope.  But no matter how much we want the best of our kids, only wanting the best for them, and not ourselves, puts the burden on them.  Maybe the best for our kids is being the example of the type of person you want them to value, and forever challenging ourselves to be better.

    “Munch… stop distracting me… I am trying to look wistfully into my own future.”

    December 3, 2012 • 2 years old, Mommy Mind, Musings, Parenting, Working Mommy • Views: 4664

  • Am I as good as I think I am?

    Not every great artist, or thinker is appreciated while they were alive.  Many find their fame long after death, once the zeitgeist has caught up to their genius.  I like to keep this thought in the back of my mind when I am feeling insecure… just knowing that someday there will be a museum dedicated to my tweets.

    Not everything you think you are good at you will get public recognition for.  This is a hard pill to swallow, so I suggest crushing it up so you can snort it.  Sometimes creating can feel like throwing yourself into an abyss.  As you fall into the endless blackness you keep hoping to grab onto something, anything, so somebody will notice you.

    But does that mean you stop trying?  Just because you aren’t getting the validation you hoped for?  When does something become a waste of time, or a childhood dream that has transformed into a distraction from your adult responsibilities?

    I am sure there are thousands of people who give up, and there are thousands of people who don’t.  What differentiates them is that maybe for some, even if the world doesn’t appreciate their efforts, the need to express themselves is greater than practicality.  But either way, life will be hard.  You will either feel the regret of letting go, or the eternal torture of yearning.

    But creative thinking is not about necessarily making a career out of it, but inspiring yourself to keep creating.

    So Munch, that is why I don’t throw out you kiddie drum set…. Also known as THE MOST ANNOYING FUCKING TOY ON PLANET EARTH… in the spirit of your future passion as a slightly uncoordinated, off beat, drummer.

    August 28, 2012 • 2 years old, Musings, Working Mommy • Views: 2489

  • Being A Mom Is A Full Time Job

    I have been burning the candle at both ends, which is weird because now I have to hold this candle horizontally and wax is getting everywhere.  I have been dealing with this fever and three-day head ache while also trying to live my life, and I feel like I am wading through molasses while wearing flippers with my feet tied together.

    So I was complaining to one of my wisest sages about this feeling of total depletion, and their response has haunted me all day.

    “Well Toni, being a mom is a full time job.”

    I know that is a cliché statement, and also quasi annoying and pretentious- but it is true.  Having a child pushes your patience levels to maximum capacity and beyond.  You have to think about their needs constantly, manage the lunacy of their emotions, clean up after them, cook their every meal, dress them, wash them, entertain them, and keep them alive.  It is a lot of work unconditionally loving another being.

    So when you have another job, some artistic passion you want to pursue, a physical practice that nourishes your body and soul, it is like every second of your day is planned activity.  I love dancing, I love making movies, I love writing, but all those are secondary to the working part of life, and the caring for Munch part of life.  So when I try to manage all those things, I guess sometimes my body can’t handle it.  I hate to admit that, because it makes me feel like a big baby, but I don’t know how else to explain how often I seem to break down.  Or maybe I just have crappy genes.  SORRY MUNCH!

    June 7, 2012 • 1 year old, Health, Mommy Body, Mommy Mind, Parenting, Working Mommy • Views: 2199

  • Half of Life is Just Showing Up

    If you want to know the secret of success it is sleeping your way to the top. But a pretty good runner up to that strategy is as simple as showing up. It seems like such an ordinary idea, but so does having a different kind of soap for your head, face, body, hands… and they are making billions on our being convinced that this makes sense.

    You don’t have to be the best at what you do, but by being there you have an advantage over all the people who did not show up. How many meetings have you gone to that were totally pointless, but if you had missed them you would have been penalized? Kind of like high school math classes…

    All you have to do is force your body to get off the couch and travel somewhere you are supposed to be, and immediately you are transformed into a responsible person. As long as you smell decent and your eyes are open, people will consider you reliable and that is more valuable then being a genius who always flakes out.

    So the next time you really don’t feel like doing something, do it anyway. You never know unless you go, and by just being there you will come off like you care, even if you don’t.

    “If I could just peel my eyelids open so my eyeballs were exposed I would be winning!”

    February 23, 2012 • 1 year old, Musings, Working Mommy • Views: 3536

  • My Brain Is Full

    Sometimes I feel like my brain is full. As if it has reached its capacity for information that can be processed in a day. I swear I can almost here a “ding” at which point I know my satiation levels have been maxed out, and any content attempting to penetrate my operating system will ultimately be rejected by my memory bank. Have I also mentioned I have been spending too much time in front of a computer.

    Before having a baby I had to think about my basic needs, my work requirements, my social obligations, and if I looked hot in high-wasted jeans. Then I squirted this infant out and I had to start thinking about her all the time. Dealing with a baby who is 100,000,000,000,000,000,007% dependent on you means that you have to think of their every need because they are still too lazy to. Have they eaten, do they need to sleep, are they still wearing their pajamas, are they teething, are they sick, do they have everything they need in their diaper bag, do I have a change of clothes for when the puke grape jelly on their shirt, are they sitting in ass vomit? You have a checklist of 45 things just to leave the house, and by the time you get them in the car seat you have to go back inside and put them to bed because it is nighttime.

    Now that I am working again I have so much on my mind I think my brain is going to detonate. Just remembering that I have things to remember is a challenge so complex I have to write “remember to remember” on my hand.

    “I totally see where you are coming from Mom. I have so much to think about with my baby doll’s needs, like have I dipped her head in the toilet today, if I poked her eyes enough times, whether or not I dropped her down the stairs… things of this nature.”

    January 27, 2012 • 1 year old, Mommy Mind, Musings, Working Mommy • Views: 2381