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• Eyes In the Back of My Head

  

  Although it might be convenient to have eyes in the back of your head, it might not be the best look. In fact, your hair would probably cover those eyes, so you would have to shave it around the eye area. Great for the eyes, not always having hair in them and all, not so good for your sex appeal… especially if you have a funny shaped back of the head.

  But you know what else does not make you a man magnet? A baby…. So I would totally dig an extra pair of eyes. I would even take a few on my shoulders and back of my knees just to really get the full panoramic picture of what The Munch is up to.

  For instance, I was in the kitchen the other day, doing the arduous task of unloading, then loading the dishwasher. I know. I know. Serious stuff to complain about here. I put The Munch on the kitchen floor where she seemed to be having a good time eating bits of onion that had fallen on the floor. That or glass… I wasn’t really paying attention.

  Anyway… I started getting kind of annoyed as she was making this really awesome sound that reminded me of a car alarm. So I threw one of her chewie toys for her to go fetch… I know… I know… where do I come up with these amazing parenting techniques?

  She went after the toy, which was out of my line of site considering I still only have eyes on my face, and actually seemed content and peaceful. I continued cleaning up enjoying the calm even though in the back of my mind I started to feel like she was being too quite. But, I figured she was obviously entertained by something and that is where my thought process stopped. For some reason I didn’t start clouding my mind with what that “something” might be.

  Then I heard that classic cough and gag of choking on something…

  I ran over to her, and saw my child next to the dog food bowl with her mouth full of… dog food.

  She really is a genius.

  (If you notice the brown tinted stains on her outfit… those are dog food drool)

  

  June 2, 2011 • 1st time for everything, 9-12 months, baby brain, Mommy Mind, Parenting • Views: 1990

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• Memorial Day!!

  

  Memorial Day! A day to commemorate US soldiers! And then quite ironically…. party like its 1999. I totally see how those two things go together!!

  Things got super out of hand with The Munch! She is a true American Patriot!

  Talking Smack!
  

  Late Night!
  

  May 30, 2011 • 1st time for everything, 9-12 months, Adventures • Views: 2095

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• The Most Horrific Happening Ever To Happen at Target

  

  I’d like to think of myself as a carefree person who does wild and crazy stuff like rip tags off of mattresses, or whisper quietly during a movie. I even once got a parking ticket, and didn’t pay it. I live on the edge, ready for the next adventure life has to offer, like going to Target to get a high chair.

  So there I am, walking the luxurious aisles, perusing the fine merchandise, and The Munch starts to feel heavy. I had forgotten my earth-mother baby-sling that makes me feel morally superior, so I decided to put her in the little seat for children at the front of the cart. I have fond memories of sitting in those seats, and wanted to give my daughter the great American experience of wheeling around in an apparatus touched by millions of people and their disgusting dirty paws.

  So there she was, her little legs dangling while I debated buying the “Automatic Robo Stir” for those who can’t be bothered with stirring their soup. It was a priceless moment until out of the corner of my eye I saw it happen. She was too quick, and as I rushed over to stop her, The Munch made contact. She put her mouth on the handle of the cart in Target. Gross.

  I pried her mouth off the germ-infested metal, as the film of shame from my neglectful mistake coated my soul. I quickly tried to wipe the inside of her mouth with my shirt as she licked the air savoring the taste of hand. Shudders permeated my spine, and I picked her up, hugged her, and promised that I would forever pay attention to her every move to protect her from such horrific events.

  As I was making my way to the register, she got heavy again. So I put her back in the seat, but swore to monitor her like a hawk. But the line was long, and US Weekly was just so interesting that I hardly even noticed when she did it again.

  “Is anybody looking?”
  

  “I am going for it!!!”
  

  May 6, 2011 • 1st time for everything, 9-12 months, Adventures • Views: 1895

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• The Mysterious Poo Smell

  

  You may say to yourself, “Man, does Toni have a poo fetish? She sure writes about poo a lot…” but then I would say to you “You smell like poo.” Now that we have cleared that up, let me tell you the story of the mystery poo smell.

  Now that The Munch eats food, her poo has morphed from the creamy consistency of pudding, to creating actual shapes. Like a log… or even a ball. Where once the odor was mild, now the level of pungency is quite intense. In fact, I hesitate to use the word poo anymore, and almost replace it with crap. Poo is too sweet sound for what I am dealing with.

  The other day, I had what call a “distracted diaper change.” Didn’t think much of it, and put the whole event behind me. Soon after, my friend came over, and we were sitting in the kitchen when I first smelt it: the distinct, unmistakable scent of poo.

  “Do you smell poo?”

  “No…”

  “Oh… I swear I smell poo.” I thought about getting up and investigating because the occasional wafts were making me wretch, but instead I just continued to eat my sammich.

  We ventured into the living room to do some big girl stuff, like sit on the floor and put the tv remote in our mouths, when I smelt it again.

  “Dude… do you smell that? I seriously smell poo!” I picked up The Munch and took a deep inhale of her butt. Nothing.

  We then decide to go upstairs to listen to music and sure enough, the smell crept into my nose like TLC.

  “You have to smell that! I swear it smells like poo!” I started to intuit that my friend was getting aggravated. I am pretty perceptive about these things… plus she did say “You are seriously annoying me Toni.” I bent over to smell The Munch’s butt, who pulled my hair. I guess I was irritating her too.

  After my friend left, I frantically searched the house for a dirty poo diaper I had forgotten to dispose of. Nothing. I felt like I was taking crazy pills. I knew I smelt poo, but could not find the culprit anywhere. That is until I changed my pants that evening, and a poo ball fell out of the cuff where my pants had been folded. Oh.

  

  April 18, 2011 • 1st time for everything, 9-12 months, baby body • Views: 3720

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• The Painful Poo

  

  If you are eating right now, you probably don’t want to read this. This is going to be one of those posts that The Munch will resent me for when she is old enough to read, but since she can’t even tell the difference between shampoo and conditioner, I am going for it. This is the story of the painful poo.

  For the first 8 months of her life, The Munch subsisted on nothing but liquid. Now I am not a scientist, but I think it is safe to say that the general consistency of what was digested, mimicked the form that was ingested. You get where I am going with this… The coffee ice cream texture that exited her, happened with relative ease. Just a slippery release, without too much struggle.

  Now that she is eating some solid foods, there is more mass for her to contend with. Where once her sphincter had the lackadaisical quality of George W. Bush vacationing at the Ranch, now it has some work to do.

  So the other day, I was trying to finish an article while The Munch was busy picking up her toy, throwing it just beyond her reach, and grunting until I gave it back to her. I was getting a little stressed out because I wanted to submit it by 5. Not because I had an actual deadline, but people who are still in their pajamas at 4:15 need self-imposed time constraints.

  Everything seemed peaceful until The Munch started making that face. It is a face I have come to know well. Even though I do not know what you look like when you poo, if I had to pick out your face in a line up mid-poo, I would be able to no problem. Point is, there is a distinct look. Everything appeared to be coming out alright until suddenly she started to cry. Something was stuck, and believe you me, she was not happy about it.

  So I picked her up, and rubbed her tummy. Didn’t really doing the trick. I let her stand which sometimes helps, although I am not sure why considering I would have a very tough time relaxing enough to poo while erect. She started to sweat, and I could tell the strain was really bothering her. Time was ticking and I was running out of ideas.

  I then remembered a suggestion my friend had once told me to apply pressure to the anus to help get any stubborn poo out. She said you could do it through the diaper to avoid any traumatic memories. Okay, not a bad idea, but I am not sure that I could get a hole in one with my own anus, let alone trying to blindly find hers. So there I was, poking her butt, furthering her annoyance and igniting a frenzied look in her eyes as she batted away my hand.

  “What if I feed you Munch? Maybe if you eat something it will just push out. Like a law of physics or something?” So I sat her down, started breastfeeding her, and sure enough, the sound of a healthy explosion bounced off the walls. Sigh, if only putting my boob in someone’s mouth solved everyone’s problems.

  

  April 12, 2011 • 1st time for everything, 9-12 months, baby body, Breast Feeding • Views: 3023

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• Why Do Babies Need Teeth?

  

  If you are an adult with no teeth it is quite creepy, but it is a good look for a baby. Come to think of it, having no teeth is just one of the countless things babies can get away while still looking cute, and grown-ups can’t. Like open-mouth sleeping…

  Fine, maybe there is a selfish part of me that feared The Munch growing teeth. One being my terror that breastfeeding would be like feeding a piranha, and my total dread that the teething process would transform her into a demon. Of course I did not want her to feel the pain of a tooth shooting out of her gums, but I didn’t want to feel the pain of her misery. I had heard horror stories from other friends of just how dramatic the teething process could be.

  “Oh yeah… my son had explosive diarrhea when he started teething.”

  Or

  “My baby girl cried every hour she was awake and nothing would console her.”

  I was half expecting someone to tell me their child shot laser beams out of their eyes and turned into a dragon as I pushed on her gums in an effort to deter any fiendish tooth from emerging. I couldn’t understand why nature would be so cruel to new parents. Haven’t we gone through enough? It is not like I was going to be giving her Saber Tooth Tiger-meat to gnaw on anytime soon. We could stick to smooshed veggies and breastmilk, at least until she was old enough to lock her self in her room and suffer alone while listening to The Cure.

  I lived life in a state of perpetual panic waiting for this dismal moment to occur. Every bad mood I would say “Oh… this is it… she must be teething. It is happening!!” Then she would fart, let out a sigh, and feel better. I must have been anticipating this moment for months when one day my mom was playing with The Munch (who had been in an amazing mood all week) and said rather nonchalantly…

  “She’s got a tooth.”

  “What!?” I stuck my finger in her mouth and she enough there was a little jagged baby tooth nestled in her bottom gums, mocking me.

  

  April 4, 2011 • 1st time for everything, 9-12 months, baby body • Views: 4396

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• The Munch is Sick!!!!!

  

  I know babies get colds. My rational mind tells me this is not a big deal. The world is filled with germs, and at times, they will invade my baby’s body like a Tasmanian Devil in heat. This is totally normal, and there is nothing to worry about… do not freak out.

  BUT I AM TOTALLY FREAKING OUT!!! Her misery is infecting my heart like the Bubonic plague. I cannot help but feel so bad for her. Okay Toni, calm down, babies get colds…. babies get colds… babies get colds…

  So these are her symptoms. She has a cough AND a runny nose. Okay… when I see it written down, it doesn’t seem so bad… but they way it’s effecting her spirit is what tortures me. Every time she coughs it chokes her, which makes her eyes water, and then her snot gets runnier. And when her nose runs, she can’t breath out of it, so I try to wipe it, which makes her cry, and her nose run more! Oh the vicious cycle!

  I would give up Jersey Shore for the rest of my life if it meant The Munch could feel better right this instance! I don’t want to wait it out! I can’t be patient. I just want her to be her to munch around and be her Munchee self!

  So I get this great idea to get her in the shower to help work the 45 pounds of snot that has nested in her face. (Of course there are those things you can use that supposedly suck the snot out of their nose, but when I tried it, it felt like a piece of my brain came out, so I have a feeling she won’t like that). After the bathroom was nice and steamy, I jumped in the shower with her to let the water massage her back and hopefully give her some relief.

  At first, she is a little confused by the whole shower concept. She kept trying to look at where the water was coming from, of course getting water in her face. Surprisingly her self-inflicted moments of drowning were not making her mad, but she was totally perplexed by the water coming out of the wall. To help her settle, I positioned her so she couldn’t get her face under the water, but the stream was still on her back. Once she got comfortable, she seemed to feel a little better! She started making little noises, and breathing out of her nose! And then you know what she does the second she had a moment of relief??

  She buried her face in my chest and motor-boats my boobs! Ahhhhhhh The Munch.

  
  But we are not out of the woods yet! She just sneezed and lost 5 pounds out her nose, and her coughs make her gag! Any suggestions??

  February 11, 2011 • 1st time for everything, 5-8 months, baby body, Parenting • Views: 2024

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• 1st Trip Without the Baby

  

  For the __ weeks that my baby has been alive, I have yet to go anywhere without her. Since I am exclusively breastfeeding, and I can’t leave my tits behind, I really can’t go that far anyway… and to be honest, it never really occurred to me.

  Until one day…

  My mom and I were sitting around chit chatting about a dietary cleanse she was about to start.

  “I really want to start my fast today Toni, but I need lemons to make lemon water, and I don’t have any. I really don’t feel like going to the store…”

  I have to admit I was only half listening because I was too busy spacing out staring at my sleeping baby, wondering if I was awake or asleep.

  “Uh huh….”

  “Maybe you want to go to Shaw’s for me? I can watch the baby while you go?” Whoa! Now I am listening… this is a revolutionary idea!

  “Do you think she will be okay?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous Toni! Of course she will be okay! Now bunny off and get me at least a dozen lemons. Make sure they’re organic.”

  I decided not to over think the moment. Adrenaline was pumping through my veins like I had just jumped out of a plane. It was a mix of total fear, and complete excitement. I was going somewhere. By myself! I am going to Shaw’s!!! (Okay… not that adventurous I know…)

  So I jumped in the car, and immediately started speeding. No reason to do that at all. I just did. Then I turned on the radio, and cranked it up so loud it was almost uncomfortable. I felt so strange. Like a shadow of my old self, for behind the veil of my mania I was still wondering what was going on with the baby. I felt the giddiness of freedom, yet there was a background noise like static reminding me of my bundle of responsibility at home.

  I realized, at that moment, with “Teenage Wasteland” penetrating my ears, that I was no longer an individual. I am someone’s mom now. I am a possessive noun.

  When I got to Shaws’s an emptiness started to overtake me as I looked for lemons. I felt misrepresented. Like nobody at Shaw’s knew the real me because they had no idea I was a mom. They just thought I was some chick buying a disturbing amount of citrus.

  As I drove home, I tried to enjoy my time, but then I started to feel that she was hungry. A nagging pull in my gut that would not go away reminding me how there was this baby that needed me to eat. Knowing that, pretty much dampened my ability to enjoy the drive, because I felt in such a hurry to get back to her.

  So the moral of the story is that although I am fully aware that there I am more than just my baby’s mother… I still feel being her mom is the most important thing about me right now.

  January 20, 2011 • 1st time for everything, 2nd Month, Mommy Mind • Views: 2345

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• Bebe’s 1st Bath

  

  Baby’s first bath

  Although this may not be something you want to think about too deeply, birth cheese is really good for your baby’s skin. You know, the white shit that covers the baby when its born? Yes, that stuff. So you actually don’t want to rush to wash it off, but rather rub it in and let it seep into your babies pours. Yum! Point is, when I took bebe home, she had yet to have her first bath.

  I was sitting on the bed with bebe, my mother, and my friend Grace, and we were all sweating in the excessive summer heat. My mom was holding bebe when she started to fuss. It was her first real declaration of protest, so I felt like something was definitely disturbing her.

  “Ummm Mom, something is going on, maybe give her to me.”
  “Oh she is fine Toni. She is just happy to be with her grandma.” I thought, “well, okay, she was a mom too, she probably knows what she is talking about,” but the fussiness only intensified.

  “Okay mom… maybe give her to me. I think she is uncomfortable.” My mom rolled her eyes and handed her to me, and at that moment, the problem became painfully obvious for all involved. She had pooed. But not just any poo. A poo as black and sticky as tar… a poo that seemed as if it had been summoned from the depths of hell… a poo with a mass so impressive, it could have competed with a frat boy after a night of drinking and McDonald’s… a poo that seemed to be comprised of a substance from another dimension that had oozed all the way down her back, and into her hair.

  “Holy shit! Literally! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! We need to get her in the bath!!!!” Not sure if my new precious bebe was leaking toxic sludge, I knew that I had to get this shit of her pronto. Now I had never given a little newborn a bath before, and their bodies are so scrawny, and now my little lizard was covered in poo that rationally I did not want to touch, but practically, my hands where now immersed in.

  We rushed the baby into the bathroom, and my mom ran the bath as I held the baby dripping poo onto my toes, and now very agitated. My mom, in her best intentions, had purchased a bath that was too big for bebe’s tiny body, and I, in my usual Toni way, never even examined the bath she had bought.

  “This bath is too big! I can’t put her down in that! She is going to drown!”
  “Oh Toni, don’t be ridiculous. Just hold her up in the bath and support her.”

  I bent over and placed the baby in the water, while Grace searched for a washcloth. My mom had added soap to the water, which only made her slippery, and I thought she was going to shoot out my hands and get sucked down the drain.

  “Fuck mom… I hate this bath. It’s too big. Why did you put soap in the water?? She is too wiggly and slippery! Ahhhhhhhh.”

  “Oh for God’s sake Toni, just hold on to her and Grace can wipe off the poo!”
  “Ahhhh Mom!! I can’t support her head at this angle! It’s gonna fall off!!”

  With the help of my mom and Grace, we did get the poo that would have made Satan proud off her. We then got her dressed, and while I was still panting from the whole ordeal she was asleep again.

  “Man… I am lucky you guys were here! What would I have done with out you?”

  So what I learned about
  1) Bebe’s first poo is pretty gnarly so watch out. That is a lot of impacted shit up in there.
  2) Know about the basic equipment you are going to be using, and do a dry run. Make sure you are comfortable with the things that you have bought to take care your bebe!

  November 30, 2010 • 1st Month, 1st time for everything, baby gear • Views: 2248

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