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  • Maybe Being High is Really Fun?

    Call me old-fashion, but I don’t let my 2-year old do drugs.  Even though I am well aware that drugs can be amusing, I am pretty sure it is frowned upon to let your kids indulge in mind-altering substances.

    Because I am such a square, so far my child’s life has been a sober one.

    I try to minimize her exposure to temptations.  I force The Munch to subsist on kale and quinoa , so she doesn’t get a lot of treats or yummies with sugar.  The most wild I get is letting her indulge in a granola bar.  I know.  Shit be getting crazy up in here!

    But every one in a while The Munch gets offered sweets by other people, and when those opportunities come she is on it like brown on brown rice.  Her sexy baby sitter brought her a chocolate the other day and Munch was so excited her eyes almost ruptured out of her face.

    She ate the chocolate with such delight and savored it for almost half an hour.  Taking tiny little caterpillar sized bites so as not to rush the experience.  When she was done, The Munch was high as fuck.  She was talking fast, running around, getting grand ideas about the future, wanting to start a band with me….  It reminded me a lot of my party days of the past.

    I really do think sugar is a type of drug, and just like drugs when it becomes an addiction it’s problematic. But I am not villainizing drugs or sugar – just the way it is overused and abused by humans.  People often turn to substances as a way of avoidance, and an unhealthy dependency can form.  But watching Munch made me remember that like drugs, sugar in moderation is fun as fuck.

    The Munch was as happy as a fish in the rain.  It was like her life was suddenly in Technicolor and she was the girl with kaleidoscope eyes.



  • March Against Monsanto

    On May 25th a mass protest is being organized against Monsanto.  I do not necessarily believe that protesting alone can change policy in this day and age, yet I do think that it is worth our time to do whatever we can to express our discontent with corporate plutocracy.  If anything it is at least an opportunity to better network with each other.

    We need to be as proactive as possible to an impact on how our food system works.  It is important to organize and educate each other, as well as deeply investigate the companies that are feeding us.  Right now, the best form of activism is being hyper aware of how you spend your money, and not supporting companies that are contaminating the land and their product.

    People are very impassioned when it comes to this issue, and there are many different ways to analyze information.  But no matter what your opinion on GMO’s and pesticides… whether you seem them as problematic or necessary… here are two ideas worth chewing on.

    Do you remember Russia… you know, the country we were at war with for WORLD POWER? Yeah, well they haven’t gone away – even if we did break up their empire.  Recently the president of Russia met with John Kerry and he is pretty pissed.

    “President Putin’s meeting this past week with US Secretary of State John Kerry reveal the Russian leaders “extreme outrage” over the Obama regimes continued protection of global seed and plant bio-genetic giants Syngenta and Monsanto in the face of a growing “bee apocalypse” that the Kremlin warns “will most certainly” lead to world war… At the center of this dispute between Russia and the US, this MNRE report says, is the “undisputed evidence” that a class of neuro-active insecticides chemically related to nicotine, known as neonicotinoids, are destroying our planets bee population, and which if left unchecked could destroy our world’s ability to grow enough food to feed its population.”

    I don’t know about you, but a world war sounds terrifying.  Especially one that is based on corporate greed and a refusal to adapt their business model.  I am not saying Monsanto can’t make money.  Make all the money you want Monsanto.  Have it all.  But maybe not murder the bees while you are doing it?

    I think we all know how important bees are to our food system, and the rest of the world seems pretty concerned that they are all dying.  And if all the bees die what are our options? To get children to pollinate the flowers with their tiny fingers?

    The other thing worth thinking about is that Monsanto impacts the entire world’s food system.  That is too much power for any one company to have over the most precious resource on the planet.  You could have more money than god, but if you are hungry and thirsty you are going to be in a bad mood, and eventually die.  Food is vital.  Our food system needs to be governed by a collective effort, not ruled by a dictatorship.

    There are many things we can argue about when it comes to geopolitical issues, but can’t we all agree that we don’t want to die in a world war, and that eating is important?

    I am inspired by the fact that Monsanto has already been removed from Austria, Bulgaria, Germany, Greece, Hungary, Ireland, Japan, Luxembourg, Madeira, New Zealand, Peru, South Australia, Russia, France, and Switzerland.  It gives me hope that we can do it here too.



    May 24, 2013 • 2 years old, Current Events, Eating, Environmental Impact, Health, Musings • Views: 1882

  • Sharing means let me have all of it

    The Munch is kind of selfish.  That or she has a major interest in candy.  Hard to tell which is the real motivation in this story.

    There were three lollipops.  At first The Munch was actually quite generous and wanted to share them with me and my friend Gita.  We each had one, and were eating them at our own pace- hers being the fastest.  She soon realized that her lollipop was smaller than mine.

    Munch: “Mamma, lets trade.”

    Toni: “Hmmmm okay…. Not sure if this is exactly what you would call a fair trade. But I love you so….”

    Soon after our “trade” The Munch and I had both finished our lollipops, but Gita still had hers.

    Munch: “Auntie Gita lets trade.”

    Gita: “Munch, your lollipop is finished.  So we can’t really trade.  But I can share mine with you.”

    Munch: “Okay lets share.  But it’s my turn now.”

    Gita let Munch have a turn, then Gita took a turn, then Munch and eventually Gita and I forgot about the lollipop and started having a conversation.

    Gita: “Did you read that article I sent you?”

    Munch: “Mamma, look, look, look, watch me.”

    Toni: “Wait, what did you say?”

    Munch: “Mamma, did you see me jump so high?”

    Gita: “The one about the artist who….

    Munch: “Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, do you like spiders?”

    Toni: “What? Which article?”

    Munch: “Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, I need a new pair of tights, can you go get me some?”

    Gita: “You know the one….”

    Munch: “Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, my shoes are falling off can you fix them?”

    Toni: “Wait what?? Munch I am trying to talk to Auntie Gita you need to give me a moment.”

    Munch: “Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, Mamma, look I took off my shoes and tights to jump.”

    When The Munch finally went into the other room, I wasn’t questioning what she was doing.  Suddenly everything was quiet and I could talk for a moment.  It was a luxury to have 10 minutes of uninterrupted conversation.

    She then came back with the lollipop stick, sans lollipop.

    Toni: “Hey! What were you were doing in there?”

    Munch: “I ate the lollipop all up!”

    Gita: “Munch, I thought we were sharing the lollipop?”

    Munch: “Yeah…. Not any more.”


  • Sometimes Being Eco is Annoying

    I really don’t want to live in a trashcan of a world, but being eco can be annoying.  To exclusively support organic fair trade local products that you also happened to grow in your back yard, had harvested by virgins, and processed by leprechauns is a fucking challenge.  The other day I thought I would buy some organic cotton t-shirts for The Munch, and one shirt was $40?! When I saw the price I threw up in my hand and then had to eat it because my dinner was from the organic store and my tofu kale wheat-free sandwich was not cheap.

    I know the responsibility is on me to be the change I want to see in the world, but I already changed my underwear today -isn’t that enough?  It is a lot of pressure for me to always make the right decision when there is so much crappy crap out there that is way crappy, but easier to get.  My main question is, why is there so much temptation to poison ourselves with toxic shit?  We have so much access to such a vast variety of products, but the majority of them are actually semi dangerous.  Major corporations are exposing us to some sort of poison, subjecting employees to horrific working conditions, and sometimes secretly feeding people rats they think is lamb.

    So there is plenty of incentive to be conscious consumer.  In fact I consider myself to be a PROsumer with all the positive shit I buy.  Get it? PROsumer rather than CONsumer? Am I lyrical genius or what?  But sometimes I want to be just like ahhh fuck it! I mean I got The Munch this hippy sunscreen because I read that sunscreen, although may protect you from getting skin cancer from the sun, actually just gives you another kind of cancer.  So I slapped the eco stuff on her, and it worked in the sense that she didn’t get burned, but it wouldn’t absorb into her skin.  She was walking around looking like Casper the Ghost the entire day.  I mean that is fine for a kid and all, but there is no way as a self-respecting woman, I can go out in public like a member of the Adams Family.

    Of course when we are talking about green products, food is the one I am most committed to.  But sometimes I get sick of being healthy.  Over the summer I am part of CSA (community supported agriculture) and get all my organic vegetables delivered to me.  They are grown in the most fertile soil and picked by a bearded farming angel.  Yet by time September rolls around all I want is to eat cheeseburgers and doughnuts.  I get so sick of vegetables I want to throw them against the wall, and then waterboard them.

    I know I should probably find a balance and feel peace knowing I am doing what I can and all that…. But what the fuck world?  Why can’t eco shit just be the only shit we can buy so I wouldn’t have to compare it to the other shit?

    (Here I am…. saving a spider and bringing her outside so I don’t murder her…. because I am environmentally responsible!)



  • Are All Kids OCD, Or Just Mine?

    Kids are really into routines.  I guess it calms their frenetic child minds when they can expect what is coming next.  I can see how that would be comforting.  It must be unsettling having no sense of time, never knowing what day it is, and having some giant who speaks mostly in tongues orchestrate your day.   Insisting that they know best when you should sleep, and that you shouldn’t suck all the toothpaste off the toothbrush.

    I am empathetic to The Munch and her particularities.  But sometimes I notice that she gets obsessed in really peculiar and somewhat irrational ways.  Like she has to line up her toys on the bathtub rim in a perfect line, will only wear tights and never socks, eats popsicles only after they have melted, or insists on cutting off all the tags clothes because she thinks they are itchy.  Well actually, I totally relate to the tag thing and do that myself.  I have 45 shirts with holes in the back collar.  I have heard that an obsession with tags touching skin is a mark of high functioning autism but whatever.

    The Munch needs things to be exactly how she wants them to be, and if I don’t honor her eccentricities it is like I tied up her Elmo doll and sodomized him in front of her.

    Example 1:

    Munch: “My hands are cold!”

    Toni: “Here Munch, I have your mittens.  Let me put them on you.”

    Munch: “No I don’t want to wear them! The thumbs are floppy!”

    Toni: “Munch look, they are hardly floppy. I will pull them tight.  See.  Not floppy.”

    Munch: “THEY ARE FLOPPY! Take them off!!!!!!!!!”

    Toni: “Okay fine!”

    Munch: “Ahhhhhhh! My hands are cold!”

    Example 2:

    Munch: “Mamma, cut my sandwich.  I want two pieces.”

    Toni: “Okay.”

    Munch: “No! Now it’s falling apart! Fix it!”

    Toni: “Well, I can’t un-cut it Munch.”

    Munch: “The top is sliding off!!!”

    Toni: “Here, you just have to hold it tight.”

    Munch: “Ahhhhhhh it’s slipping!”

    Toni: “Munch I can’t glue it together?”

    Munch: “Put it back together! Un-cut it!”

    Example 3:

    Munch: “Are my babies in my crib for night-night?”

    Toni: “Yes, they are in your crib waiting for you.”

    Munch: “Other Baby, Old Baby, Water Baby, Car Seat Baby, New Baby, and Headband Baby?”

    Toni: “Well, I think I forgot headband baby.”

    Munch: “NO!! I NEED HEADBAND BABY!!”

    Toni: “But I think she is in the car so lets see her tomorrow.”

    Munch: “I NEED HER!!”

    Toni: “Munch, you have like 100 babies in here. Lets just wait to see her until tomorrow.  She is sleeping in the car.”

    Munch: “Go get her!! Go wake her up!! She is lonely!!”

    Toni: “ Fine… I will go get her.  I will be right back.”

    Munch: “Thank you Mamma.  Is my computer in the crib?”

    Toni: “No Munch, your computer is down stairs.”

    Munch: “But I need my computer in the crib!!”

    Toni: “Well, that actually makes a lot of sense to me.”


    April 3, 2013 • 2 years old, baby brain, Behavior, Eating, Talking and Not Talking • Views: 2407

  • 4 Reasons Why Monsanto Can Go Screw Itself

    The Monsanto Protection Act passed through congress, and came out as a wet stinky fart on the other end.  This means that GMO seeds are protected from any litigation involving health risks.  That is strange right? If you were confident in the product you are forcing down the throats of billions of people world wide, then why would you be concerned about lawsuits involving health risks?

    Monsanto and the government have been in bed for many administrations, doing very naughty things- probably involving butt plugs and choking.  There has been a revolving door between Monsanto, the FDA, and the court system (including Clarence Thomas of The Supreme Court) that has helped allow Monsanto to have a monopoly on our entire food system.  Monsanto’s contribution to countless campaigns has solidified their position, and time and time again the government will protect them over the welfare of the people and the planet.

    As a parent, not only would I rather feed my kid organic bear barf than GMOs, I genuinely fear a future that continues to allow one company to have unregulated endless control over such a vital resource.

    So Monsanto, as far as I am concerned, you can go fuck yourself – and here are my reasons why.

    1)  Seed patenting:  Monsanto patents all its seeds, and genetically engineers the suicide gene so every year the crop dies and the seeds are rendered useless.  Where for thousands of years farmers would save seeds and cultivate a variety of strands to help maintain bio diversity, Monsanto now forces farmers to use their one “terminator seed” that they have to purchase annually.  Buy patenting’s seeds, Monsanto owns life, and makes millions in profit.  If I had known I could have owned and patented seeds, I wouldn’t have spit all those times.  Man… so many blowjobs for nothing.

    Because of this seed patenting, 250,000 Indian farmers have killed themselves because of inflated prices of seeds and faulty crops that force them into bankruptcy.  (As a result of Monsanto’s intrusion on India’s traditional and sustainable farming practices, 60% of the population, 1 billion people, are dependent on their GMO agriculture).

    2)  The strategy of Monsanto is to create one seed that can be mass produced in one location, which has created mono-crop agriculture.  So when you drive cross-country, 1/3 of the time you will be staring at corn and soy fields – making you wish the Children of the Corn will emerge and eat your eyeballs.  Because there are these massive fields with one crop created from one seed, they are very susceptible to pests, hence the creation of pesticides.

    Hey! You want to know something fun about pesticides?  A lot of them are made from Agent Orange.  Yeah! That stuff we used as chemical warfare in the Vietnam War.  Monsanto created Agent Orange, had a bunch left over after the war, then discovered the perfect market for it.  Our food!  (PS… it is also contaminating the world’s water supply… but who needs non-poisionous food and water right?)

    3) Lets say you have an organic farm next to a farm that has Monsanto GMO seeds.  There is something called wind right?  If the wind blows, and some of the GMO pollen contaminates your crops, Monsanto can sue you for using their seeds without paying for it.  So not only would your food be polluted with GMO dust, but you are going to have to pay for it as well!  And if you were to try and sue Monsanto for infecting your crops, you will lose!

    4)  I almost forgot about soil erosion.  This basically means that after a few years of GMO farming and the aggressive use of pesticides, the soil is FUCKED.  And because nature is crafty, super weeds then form that are resistant pesticides!   That is kind of awesome nature, but at the same time, thousands of acres have been abandoned in the south because they became impossible to farm on.

    I know the Monsanto propaganda says that we NEED GMO’s to feed the world, but that is not true.  Governments create artificial shortages by throwing food away.  Kind of like how the diamond industry keeps diamonds in storage out of the public market so the demand is greater than the supply.  But in the case, when the demand for food is greater than the supply people die of starvation.  Starvation and extreme poverty is not an environmental necessity, but a political choice.  It is about access to food, resources, and land.  Who ever controls the food source controls the world.

    I don’t know about you guys, but I eat food every day.  I know buying organic is annoyingly expensive, but think of it this way – until the 1940’s the whole world ate organic all the time.  Because that was all there was.  Just regular food.  But since Agribusiness dominates the market, small organic farms can’t compete.  The reason why actual organically farmed food is so expensive is because what most people are eating isn’t really food.  It is a science experiment – and we are the guinea pigs.

    So take that Monsanto!




  • The Forbidden Fruit Has Been Tasted

    It happened.  My child has been exposed.  She experienced the taste of sin. A drug she will battle with, and probably abuse many times.  And I am not talking black tar heroin, because we already kicked that habit when she was 18-months.  I am talking about sugar.

    It started innocently enough. With an organic, vegan, gluten-free, coconut Popsicle my mom gave her.  The Munch’s unpolluted mind had never even heard such words as cake, candy, or cookies.  But the more she started to understand the world around her, the harder it became to lie about what things were.  She started to look at me with doubt when I insisted that a lollipop was made of fairy skin.

    A birthday cake was the gateway drug.  My friend’s husband offered her a piece.  I almost refused.  I was this close from convincing The Munch that cake was bread with barf spread on top of it.  But it was for free, and he insisted she have a taste.  I figured it was a special occasion, and let her live on the wild side.  How often does one go to birthday parties? It turns out, quite a lot.  Now all she cares about at these stupid parties is the cake. It doesn’t even matter whose party it is.

    I think I was the one who gave her the first cookie.  But it wasn’t my fault.  I was tired, weak, and had my guard down.  I didn’t have it in me to fight against her wrath.  She manipulated me.  And now she knows not only that cookies are fucking delicious, but also what they look like.  This makes going to a store very complicated because she understands that round circles with black dots means that shit is good.

    The ice cream happened with her babysitter… the candy too.  Now The Munch is fully aware just how tasty sugar is.  The only things I have been able to keep from her are chocolate bars.  I told her they were “Mamma crackers” and made out of cat poop.

    Maybe it is not a big deal?  Sugar is a part of life and if I deprive her totally I will only make the forbidden more seductive.  But it is not good for the immune system.  It doesn’t contribute anyway to her her health.  And even if its organic treats she is getting, it doesn’t mean its good for her (although I tell myself that organic ice cream happens to be great for me).

    I am trying not to care too much.  To realize that finding a balance is part of parenting and if I am too controlling about what The Munch eats I could give her a complex.  But her naivety made my life so much easier.  She was totally oblivious to the temptation.  The Munch’s ignorance protected her from feeling the disappointment of lacking – or maybe more important it protected me from her.  Now she knows what she is missing when I say. “no you can’t have that.” The subsequent distress, frustration, horror, and tantrum that follow are because she can taste the vacuum of what could have been.

    Sugar is the first drug children are exposed to.  It has an addictive quality, and also makes you feel high.  The rush.  The hyper manic energy that makes you want to punch a cat in the face.  And then of course the crash, that leads into the depression of being without, that eventually morphs into then the desperate searching for your next fix.  And like the need for drugs, kids will do anything to get their sweets.  Including scream in your face, embarrass you at stores, and weep uncontrollably while shaking in the corner.

    “Hey Mamma! This doesn’t taste like fairy flesh?!”



    March 19, 2013 • 2 years old, baby body, baby brain, Eating, Health • Views: 6930

  • What the Eff is Gluten?

    A couple of weeks ago, The Munch had a stomachache for a few days, and someone suggested it might be a wheat allergy.  So I suggested that my daughter isn’t a fucking pussy and then karate chopped them in the funny bone.  Oh wait; actually I said “thanks for the tip I will try that.”.

    A few days went by where I didn’t feed The Munch wheat, but she wasn’t eating anything and still complained that her tummy hurt.  So I figured that she was just trying to slim down and didn’t want to admit she was on a diet.  Girl, I have been there.  Turns out, I got the stomach bug too, so I ruled out this whole don’t eat wheat thing.

    Then, I started to notice The Munch had a rash on her face.  Okay, it is one thing to go a few days without eating to get ready for spring break bikini season, but it is another to have a rash on your fucking face.  So I took her to the hippy doctor today and he was all:

    Doctor: “It looks like a fungal rash.”

    Toni: “What do you mean by that?”

    Doctor: “Well, do you know what fungus is?”

    Toni: “Like mushrooms, yeah of course I know what fungus is.  So you are saying I can get high if I lick my daughter’s rashy face?”

    Doctor: “No, not at all.  She has something called xcvurntizze kjmiunszzs.”

    Toni: “Those aren’t even words you just said.”

    Doctor: “Yes they are, maybe you weren’t listening.”

    Toni: “What did you say? I wasn’t listening.”

    Doctor: “So I can give you the conventional treatment, and I can also give you the holistic naturopath holier than though and better than everyone else treatment.” (Maybe he didn’t say that last part- I can’t remember everything exactly).

    Toni: “Fine, give me the hippy shit.”

    Doctor: “Well, with holistic healing we not only treat the symptoms, which you would do with castor oil, fish oil, and probiotics, but we also search for the cause.  What is her diet? Are you feeding her on the regular flax seeds, bark powder, coconut milk extracted from the nipples of virgin fairies, condensed self-righteousness, and of course injecting kale juice directly into her jugular?” (Fine, I took a little poetic license here.  He didn’t actually ask about the flax seeds).

    Toni: “Of course I do all those things? What do I look like?”

    Doctor: “Well, you wouldn’t be feeding her gluten would you? I mean what kind of self-respecting human eats gluten.”

    Toni: “Oh…. Ummmm…. Maybe?  I mean, I tried to eliminate wheat for a few days, and I did buy spelt bread.  But she had pasta for lunch today… ”

    Doctor: “Dear Gaia.  Well, I am not going to call child services…. but no more gluten.  That should not only help the rash clear up, but also might inspire the goddess to forgive you so that you may one day enter the sage scented Ashram of the divine.”

    Toni: “Okay then…”

    Doctor: “No sugar either.  Or juice.  Or meat.  Or dairy.  But of course you don’t eat any of those things or feed them to your child.  You are not a monster.”

    So now we are going to try this gluten free diet.  Can I have just one gluten sandwich before I say goodbye.  Just slap some gluten in between some slices of gluten.  Seriously? The way people talk about it these days – I am terrified. What the hell is gluten anyway, and why is it coming to get me?   It must be stored deep in the testicles of Satan and comprises the substance of his ejaculate.

    “Ahhhhh get that shit away from me!”












    December 11, 2012 • 2 years old, Adventures, baby body, Eating, Environmental Impact, Health • Views: 1676

  • Maybe I Am Allergic To Your Face?

    Having a sick child is hard because you don’t want them to be in pain, and also because you want to throw them out the window they can be so annoying.  The Munch has been complaining about her stomach and writhing around like a pop star on an MTV stage for the last 3 days.  Every few seconds she would remind me that her tummy hurts while insisting on sitting on my lap so she could flail around and prod her knees and elbows into my abdomen. I tried giving her all sorts of anti-gas/digestive aids, and even homeopathic medicine, because I support gay marriage.  But nothing seemed to be helping.

    I gave her peppermint tea to drink, but she kept insisting I hold the sippy cup up to her stomach, because “her tummy hurt, not her mouth.”  In her worldview, I was the idiot for trying to make her drink it.  I attempted to explain the whole way digestion works… “Munch, you can’t just hold things up to your tummy and except them to go in through osmosis.  You have to first put them your mouth, then it goes down to your tummy, and later out your bum in the form of poops,” but we both got really confused as to how that really happens. Kind of seems like voodoo to me.

    Since it was the weekend and my hippy doctor doesn’t work on the weekends because she is a goddamn nature-loving tree hugging lazy hippy, I felt trapped in this mecca of misery.  I brought The Munch to the organic grocery store to see is some sort of shamanic tea or jicama root sprinkles would do the trick.  I was explained her symptoms to the guy who owns the store hoping he could point me in the direction of the healing bark powder.

    “Oh, sounds like a wheat allergy to me.  You should eliminate wheat from her diet.”

    “Uhhhhhh she eats wheat products all the time and has never had a problem before, would it just come on like that?”

    “Yeah it would.  My family doesn’t eat wheat.  It is all genetically modified you know?  Even if it says organic it is still GMO because of cross-pollination. So we are a wheat free family.”

    Well good for you and your children’s intact wheat hymen.

    Okay fine, a wheat allergy isn’t as bad as a peanut allergy that could kill you like some sort of legume vigilante, but it still kind of a pain in the ass.  Mostly because if this is true, then I will have to change my diet as well because The Munch wants a bite of everything I eat.  Also kids always want to eat what other kids are eating, and it is going to suck having to tell her she can’t all the time.

    And I never really believed wheat allergies existed.  I just thought it was a way to stay thin and carb free but not act like you are one of those people who is trying to hard.  Hey Munch… are you on some covert diet so you can stay skinnier than me??

    Yet, I stopped giving her all wheat products and it actually the only thing that has helped.

    I am already feeling really sorry for myself about this, and fantasizing about croissants and pizza crust like they were Keanu Reeves and Ryan Gosling.


    November 19, 2012 • 2 years old, baby body, Eating, Environmental Impact, Health • Views: 1150