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  • Did You Seriously Just Throw That At Me?

    If I were to throw a hair-ball at you, would you be offended? Not one that came out of a cat’s throw up, obvi… just a hair-ball I created from cleaning my brush. Oh wait… it probably wouldn’t travel very far and most likely I would have to smush it on you to get the full effect. But it’s not like it would hurt.

    Maybe it doesn’t matter if what is being causes pain, like a brick or knife, maybe, just maybe, people don’t like things being thrown at them period. Especially if this said object is extremely gross.

    The other morning I fed The Munch oatmeal for breakfast, which she of course smeared all over her face and clothes. When I decided she was done I washed her hands in the sink, took her clothes off, and let her run around while I cleaned up. Seems reasonable right. You are probably thinking to yourself “My Toni is responsible” or maybe more likely “I should eat breakfast while wearing a cape and crown so I really start the day off right?”

    I then notice The Munch is suspiciously quite…

    I go around the corner and find her in the hall, hand on her diaper sticky… you know… the part of the diaper that sticks the thing together, ie THE MOST IMPORTANT PART!

    “Munch… leave your diaper on…. That catches the poop and pee remember?”

    Either she didn’t remember, or she is a real jerk.

    Before I could get to her, with one swipe she pulls the diaper off and throws it at me like she is a double agent for the Matrix. It happened so fast that at first I did not see the poo fling out of it, but once the diaper landed at my feet I saw what was inside. I looked down and screamed a scream so shrill it was silent to the human ear. The Munch looked directly into my eyes then ran the other direction. With each step she took a poo ball fell from her put onto the floor. Like a trail of poo for Hansel and Gretel to find their way out of the woods, or like a shit path for me to clean up. Depends on your perspective.

    October 3, 2011 • 1 year old, Baby Body, Baby Brain, Behavior, Pee & Poop • Views: 905

  • My Baby is Judging You

    You know that moment where you meet someone for the first time? In the back of your mind you know you are sizing each other up, but superficially you are both polite. You say classic lines like “Hello,” “How do you do,” or “How ‘bout a fuck and a pizza… What? You don’t like pizza?”

    As adults we do our best to make a good first impression. We don’t want the other person to feel uncomfortable around us, and we certainly don’t want them thinking they are being judged. We try out best to be witty and charming to be well liked and not embarrass yourself.

    Babies don’t exactly have this etiquette.

    Have you ever met a baby or young child and they just stare at you. They don’t say anything… they just look into the bowels of your soul. You may try to engage them and say “Oh my, what a pretty dress you are wearing” but you get nothing. No response. Just a stare.

    It is kind of admirable they way babies are. They don’t care what you think about them. What they are concerned about is what they think about you. Have you ever had the balls to just stare at some one when you first meet them? I dare you to try it… then let me know how it goes because that would be awesome.

    Every time The Munch meets someone for the first time she will just look at them for an awkwardly long time. I kind of hate it when parents tell their kids “Honey, don’t be rude and say ‘hello’ to the nice man,” because that never works and only makes things more uncomfortable. So I just let the moment simmer. My friend will be silent looking back and forth between me and The Munch, The Munch is silent looking at my friend, and I am silent thinking about what my next tweet will be.

    If I get bored by my internal monologue I will break the silence and say “I think the best strategy is to ignore her and just live your life. After she finishes judging you she will either befriend you or cry at the sight of your face.”

    But it totally works!

    If you just let the kid judge the shit out of you and act like you don’t give a care, usually they decide they like you!

    September 27, 2011 • 1 year old, Baby Brain, Behavior, Musings • Views: 1411

  • Worst Roommate EVER!

    Have you ever had a roommate that is totally inconsiderate and makes you wonder if they were raised in a barn? You think maybe you are on a secret surprise reality TV show as your roommate from hell does things that would make Ghenghis Khan blush. That any moment Ashton Kutcher will pop out of your closet to tell you that it is all a prank. You wonder what you did to deserve living with someone that has no concern for your things, and why they don’t pick up on your passive aggressive attempts to get them to notice what a better roommate you are.

    For example
    • Every time you are eating something they want a bite
    • They never clean up after themselves
    • They have never do any of their own dishes
    • They harass your dog by poking it in the nose
    • If you are trying to sleep, they obnoxiously wake you up
    • If they spill something they leave it for you to take care of
    • They go through all your things and never put them back
    • They never have ANY money and you end up paying for EVERTHING
    • They don’t pay rent
    • They use your toothbrush without asking
    • They sleep all day
    • They don’t work
    • They are always at the house and never give you any alone time
    • They shit their pants and expect you to clean it up

    Granted… my roommate is only 1… but seriously… were you raised in a barn Munch?

    “Well… even if you aren’t the best roommate, I still love you….”

    September 19, 2011 • 1 year old, Behavior, Musings • Views: 844

  • Hanging Out (And Why Smoking Pot is Popular)

    Have you ever seen a toddler hanging out? You know, just relaxing on the couch resting. If you have, they were probably sitting between a unicorn and leprechaun because once a baby starts moving they never stop.

    It is kind of like watching someone with a serious case of OCD. They go over to the book shelf, touch a few books, head over to the table and try to grab something they can’t reach, dart towards the TV and bang on the screen, back to the bookshelf to touch some more books, then off to try and touch that darn cup on the table before returning to swat at the TV.

    It is probably so hard for toddlers to stay still because the world is too new and exciting. For an adult it may just be a rubber band on the floor, but to a baby it is like “seriously what is that thing?” Think of how hard it would be to pay attention if suddenly you were transported to the world depicted in the movie Avatar. You would be like “holy crap look at this glow in the dark spikey thing, wait check this out over here… bubbles are coming out of this neon pink moss like substance. I must touch it!”

    Maybe that is way teenagers are so into pot.

    Stay with me now.

    Teenagers are probably growing and learning at the same exponential rate as toddlers, but are jaded by their familiarity with planet earth. “Whoopdie dooo a toaster. Big deal, I don’t care. Ooooooooo a bush with berries on it. Whatever.”

    But when you smoke pot, it brings you back to the wonderment of being a young child and discovering the world for the first time, and is totally conducive to their favorite teen past time of sitting down and doing nothing but hanging out.

    “I am just chilling… what are you up to?”

    September 16, 2011 • 1 year old, Baby Brain, Behavior, Musings • Views: 849

  • Pee Toilet

    I would consider myself to be a diehard-quasi-dogmatic-mediocre-environmentalist. I recycle, but am too lazy to compost, I eat local and organic, but I also eat meat, I only buy eco beauty and cleaning products, but I don’t wear deodorant.

    One thing that I am pretty consistent about is saving water. Fine, maybe I find showers and brushing my teeth monotonous, repetitive, unvaried, repetitious…redundant… and often find myself saying “but I just did this two days ago… it can wait another day” but I also really care about nature’s most precious resource. Diamond earrings… I mean water.

    As such, if I pee I let it be.

    Since I am a girl I obviously never poop so get that out of your head this instant…

    Because of my habit of letting my yellow’s mellow, there is usually a pee in the toilet smoking a joint and listening to The Grateful Dead. Sometimes there is more than one pee playing hacky sack and talking about The Man…

    I think you know where this is going….

    The other morning, I woke up and went to the bathroom and noticed an abundance of pee from the nighttime pee sessions… so thank the Universe I flushed. But then a few minutes later, I decided to pee and brush my teeth because like I said before that teeth brushing thing is seriously boring and throwing in a pee made it a little more exhilarating. Shut up… your life isn’t that exciting either. Anyway…. after said pee, I decide to get dressed and while I am looking for the perfect T-shirt to go with my sweatpants I notice The Munch was being suspiciously quite.

    A quite baby is never a good sign.

    I ran into the bathroom and sure enough The Munch was playing in my pee toilet.

    Now… this is where things get so bad that after writing this I am going submit my body to science and let them experiment on how to erase memories.

    An important side note to this story is that the only time I have ever said “NO” to the Munch with any passion is when she throws her food. I then tell her “in your mouth” and point to my tongue, which she in turn copies. Lets review shall we? The Munch will throw food, I will say “NO,” and she will point to her tongue…. touching her tongue mind you… as I say “in your mouth.” You are following me here right?

    I think you know where this is going…

    I ran to her while her little hand fondled the pee toilet paper in the pee toilet and yelled “NO!” She looked at me… while I was still just a few short feet away… and pointed to her tongue…

    Oh the horror….

    “I am going for it!”

    September 15, 2011 • 1 year old, 1st time for everything, Behavior, Pee & Poop • Views: 2384

  • Hugs Are Better Than Drugs

    What is the difference between hugging someone and holding on? A true embrace has the essence of affection, the air of compassion, and sometimes a boner grinding into your hip.

    When The Munch was first born, she never hugged me… she would just grab onto my skin to make sure I didn’t drop her. Fair enough…. Although I would never drop her being the perfect parent that I am, even though I once smashed her head while she was riding on my shoulders. Come to think of it, I wish I never told you that.

    I have this theory that when babies are born they don’t just automatically love you because all their energy is concentrated on staying alive. Once they become more comfortable in the world they develop the emotional capacity for more complex feelings, and because you love them they learn to love through your example. They observe your methods of expressing love, and use them to show their love. In short, love is a learned experience.

    For example, one of the things that I do to show love and comfort to The Munch is pat her back when I am hugging her. And you know what she does? She pats my back when she is hugging me, AND pats the back of her dolls and stuffed animals!!! Isn’t that amazing! I also of course kiss her to show love, and now she not only kisses me, but also kisses her toys, a spoon, my cell phone, the wall, and an old bobby pin she found under the couch.

    “I love you elephant”

    September 14, 2011 • 1 year old, Baby Brain, Behavior • Views: 926

  • Belly Button

    Do have those pet peeves where even the thought of them makes your teeth itch? Little things like the sound of teeth scraping against a fork, someone pushing a bruise, the texture of over starched sheets, or the sound of my voice… those personal quirks of life that bother you beyond what your rational mind can articulate.

    I have this thing about people touching my belly button. I really don’t want anyone to touch my belly button. Ever. It is just too sensitive a body part. To many folds and dips and mysterious material.

    It is not just the physicality that troubles me, but the deeper connotation as well. The belly button represents our individuality as much as our dependence on other people. The transformation from parasite to being totally alone in this cold cold world. Naval gazing is actually a pretty meaningful activity when you think about it, but then again, thinking about gazing at your naval is pretty weird so stop.

    Of course… The Munch loves touch my belly button. She finds so much joy in poking it while making sound effects that make me question my sense of self. Her little finger feels like it is penetrating my soul with every push and it drives me nuts. But how can I deny her? Even though it freaks me out more than Glenn Beck, what kind of parent would I be if I let on how much it bothers me? Then I would give her a complex about her belly button being touched. Sigh… what’s next? Is she going to grow up to be a Tea Bagger?

    It is like a bulls eye daring to be poked I guess…

    September 13, 2011 • 1 year old, Behavior, Mommy Body, Musings • Views: 1717

  • Fighting Sleep

    Don’t you love sleeping? Aren’t there many mornings where you wish you could sleep for just five more minutes. Do you ever feel like you could sleep all day? Have you ever been sleeping with someone and thought to yourself “man, I kinda wish I was actually sleeping.”

    Although if you think about it too hard, isn’t it nuts that every night we lay down and wait until we become totally unaware of our surroundings and completely immersed in our imaginations? Doesn’t that seem dangerous to you? It is hard to imagine how this practice evolved when we were living in caves, except maybe for the fact that we were bored as shit living in a cave!

    But why is it that children fight sleep? They never want to go to bed. Do you ever remember being a kid and saying “hey mom… I think I am going to just go lay down and take a nap while you continue playing Nintendo.” No you don’t… because a kid would never say that! They wrestle, moan, and complain about how they want to stay up. When I was young I remember thinking I was going to miss something by sleeping.

    Maybe sleep is more important to you as you age because you do want to miss out on life for a little bit. It is the ultimate escape from reality. You crave being totally unplugged from thinking about your life, and it is quite likely the only time where you actually experience your imagination.

    But for a child who lives in their creative imaginative minds all day, reality is what they desire. They don’t have any problems they need to getaway from because they are more interested in figuring out what trouble they can get into.

    “Man this sleeping thing is a drag… I can’t wait until I wake up and put my hands in the toilet, eat dog food, and fall on my face 100 times.”

    September 12, 2011 • 1 year old, Baby Brain, Behavior, Sleeping • Views: 1002

  • Antisocial-Social Girl

    I am an antisocial-social girl. I care about humanity, but don’t really like most humans. I like being around people until I am around people, but I only like to be by myself when I am alone.

    I much prefer one on one interaction to group dynamics because then I feel like the conversation has greater potential for depth. But I don’t want to get too personal, so maybe we should just get to know each other through text messaging.

    I wonder if The Munch is going to be like her Mama?

    “Look at me… no… don’t look at me… no actually look at me… no… don’t”

    September 8, 2011 • 1 year old, Behavior, Mommy Mind, Musings • Views: 1509