• Do You Know What You Want?

    Do you know what you want? Is it easy for you to connect with your inner most desires? Do you ever find yourself confused? Can you say with conviction that you know what you want out of life? Do you ever have doubts… about relationships you are in, career path you have chosen, or if those pants make your butt look fat? Do you think I ask too many questions? Are you mad at me?

    I have a hard time connecting to what I want. From simple things like if I want to eat meat in my diet, to more complex things like if I want to eat sugar. Sometimes I feel more comfortable in situations where people just tell me what to do so I don’t have deal with the responsibility of my own choices. What I want is so overshadowed by how my decisions will effect others that I end up spending my mental energy focusing on how they feel rather than how I do.

    The Munch does not have this problem at all.

    The thing I really have to admire about babies is they know what they want and they will let you know the second they feel it. They don’t care if they are polite about it. They will grunt, point, pull, bit, cry, yell… any means necessary to get what they want. The Munch doesn’t have an existential crisis asking me for my food. She just points, pulls at my pants, and makes the most annoying noise ever uttered by a living being until I give it to her.

    So recently she is really into this book called “Hug Me.” It is the lamest book ever written, but I have to read it to her 76,896,553 times a day. Exactly.

    I decided to go to the bookstore and get some other books that might interest her so at least I would no longer be suicidal. We got home, and I surround her with her new books and you know what she did? She found “Hug Me” grunted in my face, and hit me in the face with it until I read it to her.

    Gotta give it to her… she knows what she wants.

    “Ummm these books are great and all, but where the fuck is “Hug Me?”

    This mom looks like such a dork… and I want to punch that dad in the throat

    Why does grandpa have a child molester mustache?

    October 11, 2011 • 1 year old, baby brain, Behavior, Books, Education, Musings • Views: 2693

  • Your Spirit VS My Sanity

    The kind of kid you may idealize having is not necessarily the kind of person you would want to hang out with as an adult. Your dream kid probably does every thing you say, never talks back, doesn’t challenge you, and would never pull your hair while laughing hysterically as you try to free yourself.

    But a complacent baby means a complacent adult, and what could be more boring than that?

    Don’t get me wrong, I like nice people, but I would prefer a bitchy person with strong opinions to someone who just does everything I tell them to. Well, unless that person massages my feet on demand while feeding me frosting. That person can stay…. as long as we got someone else around to fuel the conversation.

    My point is that all the things that are super annoying to deal with when raising a child, are the same ingredients that make an interesting human. Someone who questions, thinks for themselves, and wants to learn by trying even if that means pulling on your nose ring repeatedly to understand that yes it is attached to your face.

    I want The Munch to be spirited, and to cultivate a personality powered by her prevailing will. Even though it may test my personal sanity when she sits on my face and bounces up and down when I am trying to do some sit-ups, I also know that is hilarious! And why am I sitting up just to go back down? That is crazy.

    Even though she may get into everything she is not supposed to…. She is going to be one fun chick!

    October 7, 2011 • 1 year old, Adventures, baby brain, Behavior, Parenting • Views: 2024

  • Do It Again!

    Think of something that you really really like… is there a limit to how many times you want that thing to happen? Okay fine, if you are a guy, you have to wait a half an hour before it can happen again, but do you find as an adult you are emotionally prepared to let good time be just that? You don’t have to repeat it again and again and again and again and again and again…

    This is the problem with kids. You do something they enjoy or think is funny and they want you to do it again. You would think it wouldn’t be as humorous the 27th time I made the stuffed bear sneeze into the dolly’s face… but it is…

    The Munch either lives in a time warp of extra dimensions where everything is happening both simultaneously and continuously in infinite space, or she has the memory of a goldfish. I feel like I am living in the Twilight Zone because her reaction of joy never seems to diminish no matter how many times I repeat the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over…

    Now this is where things get kind of twisted…

    The Munch is REALY into reading books right now. Let me rephrase, she is really into ME reading books to her. Okay. Theoretically this is great right? It is a sign of intelligence that she will sit down and let me read to her for an extended period. That or she is smoking weed behind my back and wishing I would just let her watch TV already.

    But this is my problem. Baby books are about as exciting as waiting in line at the DMV. Sometimes I feel like if I have to make another freakn’ animal noise I am going to shove a fork through my nose and into my brain to give myself a lobotomy.

    I tried to explain to her “Look Munch… it really isn’t going to get you anywhere in life to know that a pig goes ‘oink’ or what color the ducky is. For all we know what you see as yellow is what I see as green, you dig? You see how colors don’t really matter? Besides, when you grow up you will have the internet implanted into your brain. Why don’t we just take a break from reading this and go play in the toilette for a bit?”

    But no… If I stop reading before she is ready it is as if I scraped her soul with the broken shards of unicorn horns she is so distraught.

    So I started hiding some of her books.

    I know… I know… it is wrong of me…. And besides, she is so sneaky she found them anyway….

    “Okay Munch… that is a Tiger… not that it matters to you because they will all be extinct soon anyway…”

    October 5, 2011 • 1 year old, baby brain, Behavior, Books, Education, Parenting, Playing • Views: 2715

  • Did You Seriously Just Throw That At Me?

    If I were to throw a hair-ball at you, would you be offended? Not one that came out of a cat’s throw up, obvi… just a hair-ball I created from cleaning my brush. Oh wait… it probably wouldn’t travel very far and most likely I would have to smush it on you to get the full effect. But it’s not like it would hurt.

    Maybe it doesn’t matter if what is being causes pain, like a brick or knife, maybe, just maybe, people don’t like things being thrown at them period. Especially if this said object is extremely gross.

    The other morning I fed The Munch oatmeal for breakfast, which she of course smeared all over her face and clothes. When I decided she was done I washed her hands in the sink, took her clothes off, and let her run around while I cleaned up. Seems reasonable right. You are probably thinking to yourself “My Toni is responsible” or maybe more likely “I should eat breakfast while wearing a cape and crown so I really start the day off right?”

    I then notice The Munch is suspiciously quite…

    I go around the corner and find her in the hall, hand on her diaper sticky… you know… the part of the diaper that sticks the thing together, ie THE MOST IMPORTANT PART!

    “Munch… leave your diaper on…. That catches the poop and pee remember?”

    Either she didn’t remember, or she is a real jerk.

    Before I could get to her, with one swipe she pulls the diaper off and throws it at me like she is a double agent for the Matrix. It happened so fast that at first I did not see the poo fling out of it, but once the diaper landed at my feet I saw what was inside. I looked down and screamed a scream so shrill it was silent to the human ear. The Munch looked directly into my eyes then ran the other direction. With each step she took a poo ball fell from her put onto the floor. Like a trail of poo for Hansel and Gretel to find their way out of the woods, or like a shit path for me to clean up. Depends on your perspective.

    October 3, 2011 • 1 year old, baby body, baby brain, Behavior, Pee & Poop • Views: 2040

  • My Baby is Judging You

    You know that moment where you meet someone for the first time? In the back of your mind you know you are sizing each other up, but superficially you are both polite. You say classic lines like “Hello,” “How do you do,” or “How ‘bout a fuck and a pizza… What? You don’t like pizza?”

    As adults we do our best to make a good first impression. We don’t want the other person to feel uncomfortable around us, and we certainly don’t want them thinking they are being judged. We try out best to be witty and charming to be well liked and not embarrass yourself.

    Babies don’t exactly have this etiquette.

    Have you ever met a baby or young child and they just stare at you. They don’t say anything… they just look into the bowels of your soul. You may try to engage them and say “Oh my, what a pretty dress you are wearing” but you get nothing. No response. Just a stare.

    It is kind of admirable they way babies are. They don’t care what you think about them. What they are concerned about is what they think about you. Have you ever had the balls to just stare at some one when you first meet them? I dare you to try it… then let me know how it goes because that would be awesome.

    Every time The Munch meets someone for the first time she will just look at them for an awkwardly long time. I kind of hate it when parents tell their kids “Honey, don’t be rude and say ‘hello’ to the nice man,” because that never works and only makes things more uncomfortable. So I just let the moment simmer. My friend will be silent looking back and forth between me and The Munch, The Munch is silent looking at my friend, and I am silent thinking about what my next tweet will be.

    If I get bored by my internal monologue I will break the silence and say “I think the best strategy is to ignore her and just live your life. After she finishes judging you she will either befriend you or cry at the sight of your face.”

    But it totally works!

    If you just let the kid judge the shit out of you and act like you don’t give a care, usually they decide they like you!

    September 27, 2011 • 1 year old, baby brain, Behavior, Musings • Views: 2499

  • Worst Roommate EVER!

    Have you ever had a roommate that is totally inconsiderate and makes you wonder if they were raised in a barn? You think maybe you are on a secret surprise reality TV show as your roommate from hell does things that would make Ghenghis Khan blush. That any moment Ashton Kutcher will pop out of your closet to tell you that it is all a prank. You wonder what you did to deserve living with someone that has no concern for your things, and why they don’t pick up on your passive aggressive attempts to get them to notice what a better roommate you are.

    For example
    • Every time you are eating something they want a bite
    • They never clean up after themselves
    • They have never do any of their own dishes
    • They harass your dog by poking it in the nose
    • If you are trying to sleep, they obnoxiously wake you up
    • If they spill something they leave it for you to take care of
    • They go through all your things and never put them back
    • They never have ANY money and you end up paying for EVERTHING
    • They don’t pay rent
    • They use your toothbrush without asking
    • They sleep all day
    • They don’t work
    • They are always at the house and never give you any alone time
    • They shit their pants and expect you to clean it up

    Granted… my roommate is only 1… but seriously… were you raised in a barn Munch?

    “Well… even if you aren’t the best roommate, I still love you….”

    September 19, 2011 • 1 year old, Behavior, Musings • Views: 1863

  • Hanging Out (And Why Smoking Pot is Popular)

    Have you ever seen a toddler hanging out? You know, just relaxing on the couch resting. If you have, they were probably sitting between a unicorn and leprechaun because once a baby starts moving they never stop.

    It is kind of like watching someone with a serious case of OCD. They go over to the book shelf, touch a few books, head over to the table and try to grab something they can’t reach, dart towards the TV and bang on the screen, back to the bookshelf to touch some more books, then off to try and touch that darn cup on the table before returning to swat at the TV.

    It is probably so hard for toddlers to stay still because the world is too new and exciting. For an adult it may just be a rubber band on the floor, but to a baby it is like “seriously what is that thing?” Think of how hard it would be to pay attention if suddenly you were transported to the world depicted in the movie Avatar. You would be like “holy crap look at this glow in the dark spikey thing, wait check this out over here… bubbles are coming out of this neon pink moss like substance. I must touch it!”

    Maybe that is way teenagers are so into pot.

    Stay with me now.

    Teenagers are probably growing and learning at the same exponential rate as toddlers, but are jaded by their familiarity with planet earth. “Whoopdie dooo a toaster. Big deal, I don’t care. Ooooooooo a bush with berries on it. Whatever.”

    But when you smoke pot, it brings you back to the wonderment of being a young child and discovering the world for the first time, and is totally conducive to their favorite teen past time of sitting down and doing nothing but hanging out.

    “I am just chilling… what are you up to?”

    September 16, 2011 • 1 year old, baby brain, Behavior, Musings • Views: 1926

  • Pee Toilet

    I would consider myself to be a diehard-quasi-dogmatic-mediocre-environmentalist. I recycle, but am too lazy to compost, I eat local and organic, but I also eat meat, I only buy eco beauty and cleaning products, but I don’t wear deodorant.

    One thing that I am pretty consistent about is saving water. Fine, maybe I find showers and brushing my teeth monotonous, repetitive, unvaried, repetitious…redundant… and often find myself saying “but I just did this two days ago… it can wait another day” but I also really care about nature’s most precious resource. Diamond earrings… I mean water.

    As such, if I pee I let it be.

    Since I am a girl I obviously never poop so get that out of your head this instant…

    Because of my habit of letting my yellow’s mellow, there is usually a pee in the toilet smoking a joint and listening to The Grateful Dead. Sometimes there is more than one pee playing hacky sack and talking about The Man…

    I think you know where this is going….

    The other morning, I woke up and went to the bathroom and noticed an abundance of pee from the nighttime pee sessions… so thank the Universe I flushed. But then a few minutes later, I decided to pee and brush my teeth because like I said before that teeth brushing thing is seriously boring and throwing in a pee made it a little more exhilarating. Shut up… your life isn’t that exciting either. Anyway…. after said pee, I decide to get dressed and while I am looking for the perfect T-shirt to go with my sweatpants I notice The Munch was being suspiciously quite.

    A quite baby is never a good sign.

    I ran into the bathroom and sure enough The Munch was playing in my pee toilet.

    Now… this is where things get so bad that after writing this I am going submit my body to science and let them experiment on how to erase memories.

    An important side note to this story is that the only time I have ever said “NO” to the Munch with any passion is when she throws her food. I then tell her “in your mouth” and point to my tongue, which she in turn copies. Lets review shall we? The Munch will throw food, I will say “NO,” and she will point to her tongue…. touching her tongue mind you… as I say “in your mouth.” You are following me here right?

    I think you know where this is going…

    I ran to her while her little hand fondled the pee toilet paper in the pee toilet and yelled “NO!” She looked at me… while I was still just a few short feet away… and pointed to her tongue…

    Oh the horror….

    “I am going for it!”

    September 15, 2011 • 1 year old, 1st time for everything, Behavior, Pee & Poop • Views: 4747

  • Hugs Are Better Than Drugs

    What is the difference between hugging someone and holding on? A true embrace has the essence of affection, the air of compassion, and sometimes a boner grinding into your hip.

    When The Munch was first born, she never hugged me… she would just grab onto my skin to make sure I didn’t drop her. Fair enough…. Although I would never drop her being the perfect parent that I am, even though I once smashed her head while she was riding on my shoulders. Come to think of it, I wish I never told you that.

    I have this theory that when babies are born they don’t just automatically love you because all their energy is concentrated on staying alive. Once they become more comfortable in the world they develop the emotional capacity for more complex feelings, and because you love them they learn to love through your example. They observe your methods of expressing love, and use them to show their love. In short, love is a learned experience.

    For example, one of the things that I do to show love and comfort to The Munch is pat her back when I am hugging her. And you know what she does? She pats my back when she is hugging me, AND pats the back of her dolls and stuffed animals!!! Isn’t that amazing! I also of course kiss her to show love, and now she not only kisses me, but also kisses her toys, a spoon, my cell phone, the wall, and an old bobby pin she found under the couch.

    “I love you elephant”

    September 14, 2011 • 1 year old, baby brain, Behavior • Views: 2024