I think most of us tend to externalize our pain, and see it as something outside of our control.  Something out there, causes pain to me, in here, (points to heart and/or genitals).  We get hurt either emotionally or physically and the general assumption is that is what hurt us.  That son of bitch broke my heart, or that tree fell on my leg and now my bone has splintered.  And to some extent that is true… your femur maybe be poking out of your thigh, or your feelings may be hurt by the actions of others.  But what if we are totally the masters of our own domain, and everything that happens in our lives is because we energetically provoked it?  What if we are just hurting ourselves?

Maybe that seems like a heavy thought, but if it was made of cream we could whip it, whip it real good – so stay with me.  Although that puts a lot responsibility on you, there is also so much independence in this idea.  If I can say that all the pain in my life is self-chosen, then I am totally free.

For example last month I hurt my back.  There was a totally logical reason for it.  I went to two dance classes, didn’t stretch when I was done, and got right into the car and drove for an hour.  When people asked me how I hurt my back… that was my explanation.  But then I was like “wait a minute Toni, you do that all the time? Why did your back hurt this time, and not the other times you have done that? Also, you need to stop wearing Uggs, because it is getting embarrassing.”

Now of course with my hippy ways I am aware of the thinking that “all back pain” is supposedly emotional.  So for the next few weeks I had to think and meditate and think and meditate on what the fuck stupid emotional problem I was holding onto in my back.  And now that I kind of hurt it again, now I have to do all that thinking and meditating all over again to understand what my problem is, so I can solve the problem I created.

Or like how when people hurt us, it feels like it start and stops with them.  That guy was an asshole to me.  Or that girl was a total cuntface….uhhhh… I mean meanie to me. But to what extent do we attract the negative energy we receive?  There is always a meaningful lesson hidden behind the painful experiences. And even more crucial than realizing that, understanding the importance of acknowledging that we are totally control of how we react to it.  Maybe it is hard to ignore sometimes – the bruising of the ego and the battering of the heart.  But the choice is yours as to how much you let it effect you.

I mean, there is some comfort in that… right?