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Nothing My Kid Does Impresses Me

I have a serious complex I am going to admit. When I was a kid, my parents never took me to extra curricular classes, and I still feel slighted. My mom claims she brought me to ballet once, but I wasn’t into it so she was like “screw it.” Ummm mom, you were supposed to pressure me to excel regardless and become my “momager!” DIDN’T YOU LOVE ME ENOUGH TO DESTROY ME??

I guess my mom did sign me up for tennis in the summers, but she didn’t bring me to the clinics to watch me. She just pointed to my bike and said, “The court is 2 miles that way.” When I played sports throughout school my parents NEVER came to my games, and I was always that kid with no one in the stands to cheer them on. Are you crying for me yet!!? Although I am obviously still working out some PTSD and deep-rooted resentment issues – I also totally get it.

That shit is as boring as a dry fuck hole.

However, in reaction to my upbringing I have enlisted The Munch in a variety of classes. She takes both dance and gymnastics twice a week, and now wants to play hockey as well. Theoretically I am very supportive of this. I want to expose Munch to a variety of artistic and physical outlets to learn skills. But… I also have been doing everything I can to avoid being the one responsible for bringing her to such events. If I can get someone else to do it, you bet your sweet ass that is what is happening.

The obvious problem is I am selfish about my extra curricular time and want to work on my creative projects as much as possible. You guys, stop judging me. I am almost done with my movie about queefs, and it’s going to be amazing! My other issue is that I am excessively critical and hardly impressed by anything.

BEFORE YOU THINK I AM AN ASSHOLE – IT IS NOT MY FAULT!! Have you seen the Internet lately?? Kids are amazing out there!! There are babies who breakdance, a 4-year old who is a top fashion designer at J-Crew, and a fetus that kicks ass at basketball. I have seen so much talent out there in the interwebs that my kid’s cartwheel seems just kinda meh.

DON’T WORRY OKAY! I keep this all to myself and tell Munch her handstands are outstanding even though her alignment is off. She will get there I know… because I will MAKE her practice until she does, but that is beside the point. For what it’s worth, Munch’s gymnastics teacher sees potential in her, but all I see is a kid who hasn’t mastered the front walkover.

3 Responses to Nothing My Kid Does Impresses Me

  1. olga davidson says:

    Ha! Now you get it. You can live your life through your kid, making up for all the neglect and hardship of your own childhood, or you can get on with your own life and do something real and let your kid explore and experiment and figure things out. Your obligation is to guide and set by example and encouraging thinking. You hated kiddie dance classes and I took you to several. You ditched piano (and you were good at it) but you told me you wanted to do soccer and go to girl scout camp. As an act of individuation within our family, you did team sports and tennis and wanted to go to wilderness camps, which was a total anomaly to your parents. We just drew the line at golf. But you came to dance and writing on your own and will unadulterated passion and talent. And let’s not forget filmaking. You lead one of the most creative lives ever! However, never forget who suggested Sarah Lawrence to you and had to sell it to you by telling you it was a modeling school. That was unobtrusive guidance. BTW, your kid is awesome because she knows how to listen and practice and she is also learning how to think. That is going to take her very very far.

  2. bridget says:

    AWESOME! I miss you Holly!

  3. Dorothea says:

    Amazing talent doesn’t happen overnight. I always joke and tell people my idol is Joe Jackson… (Micheal Jackson’s dad) now he knew how to get results! Lol!

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