You know how in the old days people were kind of mean to their kids? Well, maybe not mean. Perhaps they were just keeping it real.  They didn’t sugar coat existence.  If you were bad at something your dad would say “no son, you cannot till the wheat with me because you are a disgrace.  Ezekiel will take your place, and instead I will beat you with this switch while forcing you to make miniature replicas of animals with manure.” Or you mom would look you over and say “No more butter fat for you my dear as your thighs are gaining girth, and you will never find a husband with those ankles showing.” There was just a lot less coddling and protecting kids from the harshness of life.  Your mom and dad would take you to hangings and public decapitations for entertainment.  Parents weren’t worried about sheltering their kids from suffering, or promoting feelings of self-worth.  It was never a priority to make sure their kids felt good about themselves.  I think in general they were just less sensitive towards their children and their needs.

Well I guess that bred generation after generation of totally emotionally destroyed people.  Yet during the turn of the century came this new concept of therapy and psychoanalysis, which probably made people feel that some crazy shit was going down.  Like they all realized “Hey… f that s!! My childhood was fucked up!  I am going to be super sympathetic towards my children because my parents were cold and wicked.  I am going to be different! I won’t let them throw potatoes at lepers.  I won’t put them down when I think they suck.  I will make sure they feel good about themselves, and have positive self-esteem.”

So now we are in a paradigm where parents are hyper concerned with self-esteem and confidence.  Where competition is distrusted, and parents want their kids to feel spectacular at everything they do.  We are concerned with these issues and as a result there is a whole new approach to raising your kid that aims to foster a sense of self-value.

But within this new system, are all these rules of what we are and are not supposed to say.  For example my friend Bridget told me that at the school she taught at, they never used the word “good.”  Because if you tell your kid they are “good” or do a “good job” than that implies that they can also be “bad” or do a ‘bad job”

Toni: So what do I say instead of saying good job?

Bridget: Well, if like The Munch does something like a somersault, you wouldn’t say “good somersault” you would say, “you did a somersault!” Or if she was balancing on something you wouldn’t say “good balancing” you would just say “you are balancing!” I think you can also say “you did it” or “nice try,” and maybe even “you are learning.”

So for the past 3 years I have tried to put this thinking into practice.  When The Munch first started walking I would be like “you are walking!”  Or when she went up the stairs for the first time I would say “look at you! You are climbing stairs! You are learning so much!” And she would just kind of give me this sideways look that said, “why are you narrating my life out loud Mom? It’s weird.”

All this time I was thinking I was being a great parent, but now I am not so sure.  The other day, her and I were at the basketball court and she wanted to play with me. Obviously The Munch sucks at basketball, but I was trying to encourage her with the rhetoric.  But for whatever reason, that day I was amazing!  I was sinking 3 pointer after 3 pointer.  My lay ups were impeccable, and I was even hitting the left side flawlessly.  My skills were out of control and The Munch, who was the only one watching me, kept saying things like,

Munch: Nice try Mamma! You are learning! You throw the basketball! You are trying really hard!

And I had to be like,

Toni: Dude, this isn’t me trying! This is me doing – and actually being amazing! I am totally kicking ass right now!

The Munch was my only witness to how awesome I was, and I all I wanted was to be praised – but all she was doing was telling me “nice try Mamma!”