I know I am supposed to make a New Years resolution about improving my life.  Something that is wholesome and responsible.  But even though my existence could use an upgrade, and I am sure there are many ways I could evolve,  I have also become so PG that I feel like I am living in Elmo’s masturbation fantasy.

All the classic resolution ideas don’t apply.  I don’t drink or do drugs.  Diets are boring.  I would take up smoking again just so I could quit, but cigarettes make me wretch.  So I think this year I am going to resolve to…

1) Get into more trouble

2) Go out dancing more and get my twerk on

3) Demand a red carpet be rolled out every time I go into the stupid organic grocery store, because I swear on everything holy I keep that place in business

4) Do something wild at least once a month – like drink a half a cup of coffee

5) Speak my mind freely, no matter the consequence (but only under my breath so no one hears)

6) Live on the edge – like eat chocolate with only a 30% cacao content instead of 70%