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  • Memorial Day!!

    Memorial Day! A day to commemorate US soldiers! And then quite ironically…. party like its 1999. I totally see how those two things go together!!

    Things got super out of hand with The Munch! She is a true American Patriot!

    Talking Smack!

    Late Night!

    May 30, 2011 • 1st time for everything, 9-12 months, Adventures • Views: 838

  • Projectile Vomit And Anal Angst About Colons

    I know what you were thinking… “Man… I haven’t heard a good vomit story in a while.” Well look no further!

    First, a little background. So far, I have been pretty anal about what I feed the Munch. You see, a few years ago I did something called the “Master Cleanse” where you don’t eat for 10 days and drink solely water with lemon, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup. Why would any one do such a thing? To cleanse your colon that is why. Like it or not, you have a lot of years of impacted shit in there.

    Okay… wait… vomit and shit? Now this is what I call a story!

    After 10 days of not eating you are supposed to break your fast with oranges. So of course I ate 10 of them. That night, I shat out oranges. There they were, sitting in the toilette just the same as when I ate them. I even debated picking some out and eating them again because the store was closed and I didn’t have anymore.

    You see, The Munch’s colon is as clean as it is ever going to be. She eats carrots, she poos carrots. There is a beauty in that you may not see if you are too busy retching, but trust me, it’s there. So the only things I have fed her are pure veggies that I steam and crush myself. Soon I will be churning butter for her and wearing a bonnet, but I haven’t gone there yet because I have yet to introduce dairy.

    However, my friend had these little kid organic puffs that her son was enjoying so much. He was having the best time gnawing away at those things so I decided to give The Munch one… which led to two… which led to 8. Maybe I should have been more cautious considering she had never ate anything like that before, but I know I can’t stop after just one delicious puff.

    A few hours later I am at a birthday party and The Munch starts to act weird. Now, I live in the woods mind you, so the party I am at is really a few people standing around salsa in a cabin talking about the weather and the intensity of bug season. The Munch was hugging me, which she never does, so I sat down with her facing me in a straddle thinking we would have a nice little bonding moment. And then it happened. She looked at me, and projectile vomited in my face. Not a sweet little spit up mind you, but a full on, bursting throw-up. She continued to heave her body convulsing as she barfed down my shirt, created a puddle in the crotch of my pants, splattered some onto the floor, and then of course made sure there was still enough puke to cover her cute outfit. As a wiped puke out of my mouth all I could say was…

    “Now that is what I call a party!!!!!”

    Because I am not a sociopath, I had to care for my sick child and not ask anyone to take a picture of the cataclysmic even though you know I wanted to!! So I created a nice reenactment for your enjoyment 🙂

    May 26, 2011 • 9-12 months, Adventures, Baby Body • Views: 3116

  • Rain Rain Go Away….

    If you live on the east coast and have skin, you and I not only have a LOT in common, but you are also probably aware that it has been raining for quite a few days. It is one of those weeks where you look at the 10-day forecast and it’s a bunch of depressed clouds crying. Get it together clouds! No one is going to help you but you!

    Because it is raining all the time, I have been stuck inside with The Munch and pretty much losing my mind. When you hang out all day with a baby, taking them outside is a fun activity to divide the day from night. They look at the grass, you talk on the phone, they eat rocks, you find them later along with sweet potatoes and corn in their diaper. But when you take outside time away, that means you have to think of other things to do to entertain them, like let them play with your sneakers which they inevitably will put in their mouths.

    (I would stop this considering I walk with those on my feet, but you are having so much fun!)

    So yesterday afternoon, although it was as foggy as the mind of a teenager, it had stopped raining for five minutes so I decided to take The Munch for a walk. Considering it was wet out, and 50 degrees, I thought I could just stuff her in a snow suit, then shove her into the stroller that has this little sleeping bag in it. Sounds good right?

    As were walking, she drifted off into the never never land of sleep, and it started to drizzle. I saw drops collect on her face like dew on flower petals, but it didn’t wake her, so I just kept going. It is not like she is made of sugar or anything, and I know because I have licked her. A van drove by us, then turned around and drove back where a kind stranger yelled in a shrill voice loud enough to not only wake The Munch but also Rip Van Winkle.

    “Do you guys want a ride? I noticed it was beginning to rain and I figured you probably don’t want your baby getting wet.”

    Okay… now this is not only a logical offer, but also a very generous gesture… but you see I was looking at this scene in a totally different light. From my perspective my baby was peacefully asleep and we were getting some fresh, albeit moist air.

    “Oh… no thank you. We are fine. She is wearing a snow suite.”

    She gave me this look that I often inspire. A look that says “What is wrong with you?”

    “Well… I have children too and I would hate to be caught in the rain with them so I thought I would offer.”

    “Thank you… really… but she is wearing a snow suit.”

    This made sense to me even though I know the lady in her warm van thought I was a nutcase. I mean snow suites are warm… and she was in a sleeping bag remember? The Munch went back to sleep, we kept walking in the drizzle, and I made fun of the lady to my friend I was on the phone with.

    “I mean… I know she was being nice and all… but I don’t want my kid to be a pussy. It is just a little drizzle and she is wearing a snow suite!” Do you see a theme going with me and this snow suite?

    Fast-forward about 10 minutes and it is no longer drizzling, it is outright raining and I had 2-miles left to walk to get home. Maybe I should have taken that ride after all and not made fun of kind people who are way more responsible than me. Whoops.

    May 19, 2011 • 9-12 months, Adventures • Views: 925

  • Wearing Pajamas To The Grocery Store Means You Are Fabulous

    Unless you are Hugh Heffner, you probably change clothes twice a day right? You have your daytime clothes, and your pajamas. This practice provokes my pondering considering pajamas are more comfortable, but as the pressures of social convention dictate, it is not appropriate to spend your life in sweatpants. That is unless you never want to have sex again, then by all means go ahead.

    I have adapted to this culture norm, reserving my torn up Greatful Dead T-shirt purely for nighttime, but that is because I only go to bed once a day. I don’t have to change four times a day to accommodate my nappy nap nap times.

    But a baby takes naps during the day… two of them… sometimes more. So is it really necessary to always put your baby in gap jeans when they are just going to go back to bed soon? Why is it so wrong to leave your baby in what they slept in the night before? It is not like they are going on any job interviews.

    You may detect a hint of defensiveness is my words, and that is because of my not being able to tell off a 5-year old in front of her mother and harboring a lot of pent up resentment. Sure, it was four in the afternoon and The Munch was wearing pajamas at the grocery store. Fine, the little girl was correct when she so astutely mentioned “that baby is still wearing pajama’s mommy.” And maybe I wouldn’t be writing with the same sense of fury if I had the perfect comeback. But I didn’t. Not because I was afraid of what the mom would think if I made a snarky remark to her daughter, but more because I was afraid of what that little girl would say about my outfit.

    May 17, 2011 • 9-12 months, Adventures • Views: 2168

  • The Most Horrific Happening Ever To Happen at Target

    I’d like to think of myself as a carefree person who does wild and crazy stuff like rip tags off of mattresses, or whisper quietly during a movie. I even once got a parking ticket, and didn’t pay it. I live on the edge, ready for the next adventure life has to offer, like going to Target to get a high chair.

    So there I am, walking the luxurious aisles, perusing the fine merchandise, and The Munch starts to feel heavy. I had forgotten my earth-mother baby-sling that makes me feel morally superior, so I decided to put her in the little seat for children at the front of the cart. I have fond memories of sitting in those seats, and wanted to give my daughter the great American experience of wheeling around in an apparatus touched by millions of people and their disgusting dirty paws.

    So there she was, her little legs dangling while I debated buying the “Automatic Robo Stir” for those who can’t be bothered with stirring their soup. It was a priceless moment until out of the corner of my eye I saw it happen. She was too quick, and as I rushed over to stop her, The Munch made contact. She put her mouth on the handle of the cart in Target. Gross.

    I pried her mouth off the germ-infested metal, as the film of shame from my neglectful mistake coated my soul. I quickly tried to wipe the inside of her mouth with my shirt as she licked the air savoring the taste of hand. Shudders permeated my spine, and I picked her up, hugged her, and promised that I would forever pay attention to her every move to protect her from such horrific events.

    As I was making my way to the register, she got heavy again. So I put her back in the seat, but swore to monitor her like a hawk. But the line was long, and US Weekly was just so interesting that I hardly even noticed when she did it again.

    “Is anybody looking?”

    “I am going for it!!!”

    May 6, 2011 • 1st time for everything, 9-12 months, Adventures • Views: 720