I am one of those self-righteous people who refuses to take the white man’s medicine when I am sick. I haven’t taken an Advil or Aspirin in at least 15 years. Nothing. Not Nyquil when I have a cold nor Pepto when I have explosive anal leakage. I always turn to hippy berries, elven tinctures, sorcerer potions, and chewing on bark. I believe that all illness is in the mind, and it is up to you to learn the lesson your body is trying to tell.
Last Thursday night I watched this documentary called “The Last Days of Lisa Left-Eye Lopez” on VH1. It was a film that Left-Eye from the band TLC did right before she died. Something drew me to it an eerie way and I stayed up way too late to finish it. I felt like she was a kindred soul. During the movie, she kept having these premonitions about her death. She felt a spirit following her. And when she died, the camera that had been filming her was in the car, and you are with her in the moment of her death.
That shit is too much for me.
I maybe should have guessed it was coming, but after I watched that, I did not feel right. I went to bed and could not sleep. Could not stop thinking about what I just saw. Sure, from a film makers perspective if you have the footage of her last seconds on earth as the car goes off the road you are going to put it in for shock value-but from as a viewer, I did not need to be there for her death. I couldn’t get her out of my mind and I felt haunted all night. At about 2 I got a fever. I just knew it. I didn’t even sort of sleep- just hallucinated and felt like death.
So I had a raging fever for a few days, but a really busy weekend a head of me because I was filming this movie I have been working on for three years. It was a serious effort to coordinate all the actors, and I was freaking out because this film is like a baby to me. I was trying to will myself out of my suffering and power through it because I had been planning this for months. In the end, my ambition, artistic drive, and adrenalin took over, and I was able to make it through the next few days and accomplish everything I wanted. I just ignored that I wasn’t eating, sweating while shivering, and that my skin was gray.
So after everyone left today and I had a moment to breath the worst headache I have ever experienced crept into my life to smack me around. I could hardly see. I couldn’t stand up. It was so painful it made me feel like puking. I started to panic. I felt so desperate. It was some of the most intense pain, and I had given birth to The Munch naturally.
So I took an Aleve.
This is a big fucking deal in my world.
I then fell asleep for an hour, and although I feel a bit better now as I am writing this, it is like I can still feel this insane headache underneath the Aleve. My headache hasn’t really gone anywhere, and I can feel it if I move a certain way or get up too fast, but the Aleve makes it so I am disconnected to it. Like it hasn’t cured my headache, just made me momentarily unaware of it.
It just makes me think of modern medicine and how it does have its place, and it can be affective, but more from distracting you from your pain then taking it away. The only way to truly heal is my facing your pain, but tonight I just didn’t have it in me.