I need more adventure in my life. You know, like spontaneous journeys into the unknown. Having a kid makes it really easy to get lost in the mundane. The routine swallows you into a monotonous stew of sameness. The weeks blend together like strawberry-banana smothies, and suddenly you realize “holy fuck, is this seriously my life?”
But the good thing about being a parent is that it keeps you tame. Because you are used to such risqué activities as cleaning up spilled paint, or making stuffed animals fall down the stairs – any adult stimulation is exciting. When I was younger, a fun night on the town involved dancing until 4 am, getting into a random limousine, doing some unidentifiable drugs, drinking more tequila than water, and waking up with mysterious bruises. Now an evening on my own at The Container Store makes me feel like Paris Hilton.
So you can imagine what a big deal it was for me to go to Montreal for a girl’s night out!! And as much as I was pumped to wear a red dress and shake my tail feather, I was even more looking forward to eating at my favorite restaurant of all time. They have a branch in NY, and my parent’s would take me for special occasions like my college graduation… so the fact that I could eat at this magnificent place brought so much joy into my being that I could hardly contain myself.
I knew what I wanted before I even got the menu.
Toni: Hi, I already know what we want. Can we start with the Milos special for an appetizer?
The Waitress: Okay, but I will give you a half portion, because the regular portion is just too much for two people.
Toni: Ummmm, I think we will be okay.
The Waitress: No. It is too much food. I will give you the half portion.
Toni: But this is my favorite dish that was created by any human ever. I honestly think I could eat a whole one myself.
The Waitress: It is just too much – especially if you are going to have dinner as well. I will give you the half order.
I don’t know about you, but I have never been told by a waiter/waitress that I couldn’t order something. I mean half the food was also half the price… so I couldn’t understand her motive?? I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to explain further how I never go out to eat, and this particular dish was one I dream about in almost a sexy inappropriate way, but she seemed so adamant that I was being out of control with my ordering.
Then when it became time for dessert, we yet again went through this charade.
Toni: Okay, can we have the delicious doughnut balls for dessert?
The Waitress: Yes of course, but I will give you a half order. You will be too full with a full order.
Toni: I really think I will be okay.
The Waitress: No, the half is better.
The Waitress: I will give you the half, and if you want to order another half, then you can do that.
So we ate the half order, and then like any people on planet earth eating doughnut balls – we ordered the other half.
I couldn’t understand what was going on? I figured maybe it was a cultural thing?? Like in Canada they assumed Americans ate too much, and she didn’t want to contribute to that excessive mentality??? Or was my face looking puffy??
It was hard to put this behind me. If I spent more money, I would give her a larger tip right?? Why would this waitress encourage me to spend less, just so I would eat less?? It was like one of the great mysteries of the universe…. Like how when you poop and some wipes are so much messier than others.
Then the next morning on the ride home, we stopped at this organic restaurant in Vermont for breakfast (not in Canada mind you). I couldn’t decide if I wanted a salad or a sandwich, so I figured I would order both.
Toni: I will have the Cobb Salad without blue cheese, and the “happy hippy” sandwich.
The Waitress: That is just too much food. Why don’t you have a side salad with the sandwich instead?
Toni: Well, what is the side salad?
The Waitress: It is just lettuce.
Toni: So what is in the Cobb Salad?
The Waitress: Lettuce, avocado, shredded carrot, and an egg.
Toni: Ummmm… Okay. I think I can handle the Cobb Salad and the sandwich.
The Waitress: No, it is really just too much. Do the side salad.
Toni: Okaaaaayyyy then.
(Be honest… would you deny my doughnut balls??)