Having a sick child is hard because you don’t want them to be in pain, and also because you want to throw them out the window they can be so annoying. The Munch has been complaining about her stomach and writhing around like a pop star on an MTV stage for the last 3 days. Every few seconds she would remind me that her tummy hurts while insisting on sitting on my lap so she could flail around and prod her knees and elbows into my abdomen. I tried giving her all sorts of anti-gas/digestive aids, and even homeopathic medicine, because I support gay marriage. But nothing seemed to be helping.
I gave her peppermint tea to drink, but she kept insisting I hold the sippy cup up to her stomach, because “her tummy hurt, not her mouth.” In her worldview, I was the idiot for trying to make her drink it. I attempted to explain the whole way digestion works… “Munch, you can’t just hold things up to your tummy and except them to go in through osmosis. You have to first put them your mouth, then it goes down to your tummy, and later out your bum in the form of poops,” but we both got really confused as to how that really happens. Kind of seems like voodoo to me.
Since it was the weekend and my hippy doctor doesn’t work on the weekends because she is a goddamn nature-loving tree hugging lazy hippy, I felt trapped in this mecca of misery. I brought The Munch to the organic grocery store to see is some sort of shamanic tea or jicama root sprinkles would do the trick. I was explained her symptoms to the guy who owns the store hoping he could point me in the direction of the healing bark powder.
“Oh, sounds like a wheat allergy to me. You should eliminate wheat from her diet.”
“Uhhhhhh she eats wheat products all the time and has never had a problem before, would it just come on like that?”
“Yeah it would. My family doesn’t eat wheat. It is all genetically modified you know? Even if it says organic it is still GMO because of cross-pollination. So we are a wheat free family.”
Well good for you and your children’s intact wheat hymen.
Okay fine, a wheat allergy isn’t as bad as a peanut allergy that could kill you like some sort of legume vigilante, but it still kind of a pain in the ass. Mostly because if this is true, then I will have to change my diet as well because The Munch wants a bite of everything I eat. Also kids always want to eat what other kids are eating, and it is going to suck having to tell her she can’t all the time.
And I never really believed wheat allergies existed. I just thought it was a way to stay thin and carb free but not act like you are one of those people who is trying to hard. Hey Munch… are you on some covert diet so you can stay skinnier than me??
Yet, I stopped giving her all wheat products and it actually the only thing that has helped.
I am already feeling really sorry for myself about this, and fantasizing about croissants and pizza crust like they were Keanu Reeves and Ryan Gosling.
