I am experiencing a serious paradox. I am with my baby all day, and at times, want to do other things. It is not like I have to entertain her every second, but it is hard to get uninterrupted time to just focus on something. Especially if you are doing anything mental, like reading, writing, or working… having time to get into the zone is pivotal.
So the times I have to sit and really focus are when she is either sleeping, or someone else is watching her.
This is the problem. Even though I know I want and need time without her, I miss her. It is hard not to think of her. If anyone is watching her, I am always in the house too. I can still hear everything. Every fuss or whine makes me want to jump of and intervene to make everything okay. And if I hear her being cute, I still want to jump up and watch everything being okay.
I remember once while hanging out with a friend who had a baby, she mentioned how she missed her little girl. I have to admit I totally rolled my eyes thinking she should appreciate the time to do her own thing. She was with her damn kid all the time, why does she have to think about her now?
Serves me right for being such a judgmental jerk! What was my problem?
I guess it was hard for me to understand the intensity of the biological bond that connects a mother with her child. My brain has completely rewired to think about this baby all day and all night. It makes perfect sense, because without this strong bond, how would humans ever survive? It is not like we are like turtles and just lay eggs and take off. “Good luck to you guys… hope you make it to the water before you get eaten or some fuck head human steps on you.”
So even though I am still trying to give myself an hour or two to write every few days, I am obviously still obsessed with my baby considering I am not only thinking about her, but writing about her too ;o)