The thing about babies, is that they are the most unpredictable beings ever created. Forget sharks, pit bulls, hummingbirds and sour patch kids…. Anticipating a baby’s next move is like reading the palm of a gnome.

First and foremost, babies have no understanding of personal boundaries. There is no… “this is my space, and this is yours.” The baby is just in your face all day. Touching you, grabbing you, pulling at you, scratching you, licking you. If you think you can go five minutes without the baby somehow violating you, then the baby is in another room…. or asleep… or tied up.

Now this is where things get tricky. Sometimes the baby is very gentle and sweet. They give you little baby kisses, which amount to them pressing their open mouths against your skin and leaving a film of slobber behind. They will also pet you, snuggle against you, and even hug you if you call not trying to fall a hug. All very endearing gestures right?

I was having a moment like this with The Munch. We were sitting outside, cuddling, and I was feeling very one with all things around me. You know how when you are so calm and peaceful that you just know that you are better than everyone else? Yeah… one of those Zen experiences. I was looking at The Munch, and her cute curls as she put her head on my lap, and then it happened. She bit my thigh. HARD! I couldn’t get her off… she was like a rabid raccoon, looking up at me with laughter in her eyes. The corners of her mouth were turned up in a smile as she sunk all 6 of her fangs in deeper. She was lock-jawed onto my flesh like Cujo and so I did the only thing I could think of to get her off me… I flicked her cheek.

Not hard mind you!

But she cried… and that made me feel terrible even though my leg looked like Evander Holyfield’s ear. My Doula Sage told me that when babies bite, you should smoosh their face into you so the can’t breath through their nose and let go. I don’t know about you, but if a bear was attacking you and trying to bit your ass off, would you press it’s face in deeper in hopes that you cut off oxygen to their nose? Hard thing to do… not exactly my instinct.

Now where the terror comes in, is that I have no way of knowing when I am going to get a snuggle, or when I am going to be gnawed without mercy. I can’t sacrifice the potential of a sweet baby kiss and put a muzzle on her, but as it stands right now… my baby scares the bologna out of me.