According to plastic surgeons all over the world my vagina is an unholy mess and needs to be fixed with plastic surgery!  I had no idea!!?? I always thought a warm gooey hole to put your penis in was sufficient… but au contraire.  Forget the fact that my clam sandwich was burly enough for a human head to slide out of it, because the real purpose of the pussy is form not function baby.

Plastic surgery is one of those things that people do out of fear.  They fear their own inevitable mortality.  Why look like you are aging only to remind yourself that you are in fact dying.  Every day that passes you are closer to your own demise, and contemplating that in a real way is a waste of time right?  Like if you thought about death you might actually try to appreciate life.  Isn’t that so silly?

So lets run from it ladies!!! The more we focus on vanity and cultural beauty standards the happier we will be!  Why care about stupid stuff like your mind and personality when you can pay a plastic surgeon to give you porn star tits and the cunt of an alien 12 year old — void of any hair or folds.  I find so much comfort and meaning in this don’t you?

You are probably wondering, “wait, what is wrong with my vagina?”  Uhhhhhh probably everything! For one, if you have had a kid, your poontang is toast. Like literally.  It is a flat floppy mess.  Whoever is fucking you is lost in your flabby vag.  Don’t even think about doing kegel’s because nothing can fix the damage your child has inflicted.  The only thing that will help is stitches, and lots of them!

Even if you haven’t spurted a spawn your vulva, your beaver may still be all jacked up… lips flapping everywhere… hanging like beef curtains.  How dare you?  Your twat is not supposed to resemble a flower with soft petals.  Georgia O’Keeffe was an idiot! Your fish taco is supposed to be smooth and devoid of all pleats.  Haven’t you ever seen Barbie’s crotch?  It is just skin and space.  Your genitals are supposed to be like that.  Duh?!

And get this… your shriveled wrinkly front bottom can look old.  It is just so old looking.  Fix that quick!! It looks so old down there.

I guess in some cultures it is important to be a virgin when you get married, so you can also get your hymen repaired to make sure you bleed all over the place when he enters you.  Boy if there is anything I would like to relive its losing my virginity!  But I am actually pro hymenplasty.  Slut it up as much as you like and then lie to your new husband about your past.  This may not be a great recipe for intimacy, trust, or accepting someone for who they are… but it’s better than only sleeping with one man for your entire life.

Although I am almost convinced of the urgent need to fix my deformed female body, I have to say… getting plastic surgery on your pink velvet sausage wallet still seems ridiculous.  Especially considering that men are not that picky when it comes to aesthetics.  Have you ever seen a guy’s house that he decorated himself??  Like without a “woman’s touch?”  There usually isn’t attention paid to details as long as he has a place to come home to.  So you see ladies… A man is not seriously judging the beauty of your poonanie as long as you let him come inside of it.  But if you are a lesbian and dating a woman, that’s a different story.  You better get that vertical smile looking nice.