The other morning The Munch had a total existential crisis. Sort of like a total eclipse of the heart, but more philosophical.
Usually, we both kind of do our own thing around the house. She plays with her elephant on the stairs, and I play with my blocks on the floor. If I leave the room she doesn’t care, and will often spend her time walking from room to room by herself. But this particular morning, every time I left her site she was overwhelmed with grief. She would fold into herself and cry on the floor with the most intense despair I have ever seen.
I think she is starting to realize that she and I are not the same person, but actually two different humans.
When you think about it, this is a traumatizing epiphany to have. There was a time when we were one. For 9 months we were connected by an umbilical cord sharing the same blood, but then I shoot her out of my vag, the cord is cut, and we are two. But she doesn’t have to feel the reality of being her own person as a young infant. She was still feeding off me, still attached to me, and still pretty clueless. For the majority of her life she couldn’t even move from place to place if it wasn’t for me carrying her. She would just lay there waiting for the world to come to her.
In fact I was her world! As far as she was concerned I was her and she was me. Every time I would stand in the mirror with The Munch, she would just look at me. I was the only one she recognized.
But now that she is moving and exploring her own independent will, I think it is becoming obvious to her that she is an individual. WHAT A HORRIFING REALITY! I could see in her face the deep sadness of realizing that she was totally alone in the world.
As she sat there and cried I tried to comfort her…
“Munch… it is okay…. You are your own person, but that doesn’t mean you are alone. There are so many people who are going to love you. But yes, they will never totally be a part of you, so you are still alone in that respect. And no, they will never completely understand you either, which will make you feel really lonely at times. But I love you… and I will always be with you… well, until I die. But I will be with you in spirit… right? And just think you will have a baby and then you will be two again! But then you will give birth and you will be one again. But then you will have a sweet baby to love like I have you! But then they will grow up and leave and live their own life and then you will be alone. But you will always have your friends and your loves. But they will sometimes be super jerks and you will feel alone again.”
Needless to say, I didn’t really make her feel better…
“Hello? Is anybody out there?”
