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  • My Kid is A Twitter

    As long as The Munch is conscious, her mouth is flapping.  This child does not stop talking. She just yaps her way through each day with barely enough air coming into her mouth to sustain life.  But it is not like she is parlaying monologues of vast significance or philosophical diatribes that titillate the mind.  She does not spew poetic prose outfitted with fashionable metaphors and high-end adjectives.  Munch just ejects thoughts like a live twitter account.  Nothing connecting one idea to the next; just farting out comments 130 characters or less.

    Tweets From The Munch

    I need juice

    I need water

    Baby needs juice and water

    I need to go to the sandbox

    There are bugs in the sandbox

    Mama needs to wash armpits

    There’s a plane!

    I hear birdies

    Cheep. Cheep.

    I have bug bites

    I wanna see the blue doggie

    The cows are sleeping

    The sunset is pretty

    I need to take my shoes off

    I need my shoes

    I don’t want Munchee sandwich, Mama’s sandwich!





    July 30, 2012 • 2 years old, baby brain, Talking and Not Talking • Views: 1239

  • The Suckyness of Sickness

    Being sick sucks.  When you aren’t feeling well, it is easy to be cranky and feel sorry for yourself.  You are more needy than usual, and you want someone to take care of you.  To make you soup, rub your back, tickle your taint with a feather while peeling grapes with their other free hand.  Reasonable requests.  But as an adult you have the understanding that you will soon heal, and there is only so much another person can do to make you feel better.

    When The Munch is sick, however, she becomes a self-righteous sultan sitting on her diamond and ruby encrusted throne amongst a harem of virgins.  Her tyrannical demands of me are so outlandish that my only way of getting through the day is fantasizing what it would feel like to choke on the armpit hair of a wooly mammoth-human hybrid that just returned from a 6-hour hot yoga session.  What?   You try it… it is really quite distracting.

    This is a transcript of 3-minutes of my day today…. Please multiply this by as many minutes in the day there are… or that Munch is awake and I am dealing with her. You do the math.  I don’t do statistics.

    Munch: “Mamma carry me.”

    Toni: “Munch you are sitting on my lap.”

    Munch: “Mamma carry me.  Mamma carry me. Mamma carry me. Mamma carry me please.”

    Toni: “Munch! You are sitting on my lap!! I am carrying you, but just sitting while I carry you!”

    Munch: “I want a banana.”

    (We go into kitchen to get a banana.  I peel it).

    Munch: “No! No banana… I want hummus.”

    (I go into the fridge, still carrying her mind you, and get out the hummus to give her a some on a cracker).

    Munch: “No hummus Mama.  Munchee wants eggs.”

    (I make her eggs)

    Munch: “No eggs.  I want a banana.”

    (Give her banana)

    Munch: “No banana Mamma.  I want to watch Baby Movie

    (We sit down to watch movie).

    Munch: “I wanna see Mamma!”

    Toni: “Munch you are looking right at me….”

    Munch: “I wanna see baby movie.”

    Toni: “Well Munch if you stopped looking at me and turned around, you would see baby movie.”

    Munch: “Mamma carry me.”

    Toni: “Munch you are sitting on my lap.”

    Munch: “Mamma carry me.  Mamma carry me. Mamma carry me. Mamma carry me please.”





    July 13, 2012 • 2 years old, baby body, Behavior, Health, Talking and Not Talking • Views: 997

  • My kid doesn’t shut up

    I think The Munch is doing cocaine.  She does not stop talking.  Her mouth is yapping the entire time her eyes are open.  She is also constantly repeating her self, so she might be drinking whisky too?  She is getting into something and it sure isn’t Valium.

    Now I don’t want to leave her hanging, so I end of up having some pretty insane conversations throughout my day.  I feel bad letting her just talk into the wind, so even if she tells me she wants grapes 36 times while we are in the car driving home, I will answer her every time that she will get to eat some goddamn grapes when we get home because I am driving and cannot pull grapes out of my ass… anymore… an old injury makes me flare up.

    Munch will also keep talking even if I am having a conversation with someone else. The other day my friend was opening up to me about her fears of moving forward in life, the anxiety of her financial situation, problems with her boyfriend, and every 6 or so seconds I was saying “yes that is a plane” or “you are right, you do have two rocks.”  It kind of made my advice a little strange to tell my friend to “try to come to terms with what you actually have control over and what you… yes Elmo is on your diaper…. don’t…”

    When I put Munch to bed at night she spends at least a half hour pretending to talk on the phone to her self.  She tells stories of her day, and goes through the list of all the people she knows and how they are going “night night.”  This is actually quite endearing to listen to… until that moment when she starts talking shit about me.

    “Wait… what did you just say? I couldn’t hear you over Munch’s explanation of where her tummy is.”

    July 11, 2012 • 2 years old, baby brain, Talking and Not Talking • Views: 1752

  • Diarrhea of the Consciousness

    There is a filter in our minds that helps us to distinguish what is acceptable to say out loud, and what is best kept to ourselves.  The development of this awareness is crucial to social interactions.  Without a strainer to sieve out the appropriate statements from the ones that should remain self-contained thoughts, it is pretty easy to alienate, annoy, or insult the person you are talking to.

    Perhaps I am too conservative when it comes to unleashing my own private perspectives, and I do appreciate the type of person who is willing to speak their mind unreservedly.  But there is a boundary that can be crossed.  There is a fine line between sharing, over sharing, and cocaine remnants on your credit card.

    Although I am delighted The Munch is so verbal (mainly because it makes me think she is smart, and then that makes me think I am smart for breeding a smart child), you don’t really want to know everything a 22- month old thinks.  This kid has no inner monologue.  She doesn’t seem to ever contemplate what she is going to say, but rather expresses herself without any restraint; a diarrhea of consciousness ejecting from her mouth with excessive velocity and force.

    Yes it is nice that she can express her needs, but no I do not need to hear her repeat them to the point of insanity.  Yes I am glad she is learning about the world and makes observations, but no I do not need to be alerted every time she see’s an ant outside.

    We went on a car ride the other day, and this is a little bit of what goes on in The Munch’s mind.

    “I wanna hear Elmo’s song.  Elmo’s song.  Elmo’s song.  Noooooo! I wanna hear Bus.  Wheels on the Bus.  I wanna see the baby cows.  I wanna see the baby cows.  I wanna see the baby cows.  I wanna see the baby cows.  I wanna see the baby cows.  I wanna see the baby cows.  Elmo’s song! ELMO’S SONG! I see a motorcycle.  Bye motorcycle.  I wanna see the baby cows.  I wanna see the baby cows.  I wanna see the baby cows.  Wheels on the Bus. Bus. Bus. BUSSSSSSSS!!!  I see big truck! Bye big truck.  I wanna see the babies.  I wanna see the babies.  Go to the park.  Go to the park. GO TO THE PARK.  GO DOWN THE SLIDE.  SLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE!  Elmo’s song.  I wanna hear Elmo’s song.”

    That drive was about 1 mile down the road.

    “Wow.. talking to you can really be exhausting!”





    May 22, 2012 • 1 year old, Education, Talking and Not Talking • Views: 1210

  • Womb-tastic

    Babies are the keepers of life’s secrets.   They are connected to the magic of creation because they just experienced it.  The reason why we can’t remember what it’s like to be a baby, is because the knowledge is too profound, and it has to be forgotten.

    It is easy to assume a baby doesn’t know about their past, because they seem so clueless about the present.  But just because someone drools all over themselves, throws their sippy cup only to get furious that it “fell,” can’t tell the difference between an alligator and crocodile (DUH), and demands that you take their shirt off, then put it back on, then take it off again, and then cries because they are not wearing a shirt, doesn’t mean they are as dumb as they look.

    I decided to test this theory and see if The Munch had any recollection of growing inside my womb.  I figured that is a pretty meaningful mystery and she may have some insight on what was going on in there.

    “Munch, do you remember being in my tummy?”


    “You do? What was it like in there?”

    “More gentle.”

    Pretty epic answer.

    May 16, 2012 • 1 year old, Musings, Talking and Not Talking • Views: 1237

  • Dance Like Nobody’s Watching

    Watching someone who doesn’t know they are being watched is the purest version of a person you will ever witness.  You see a part of them that is totally lost in their own psyche, unconcerned with public opinion, and unencumbered by the fear of judgment.  It is like being a mirror to someone dancing alone in their room, or the showerhead-turned-microphone to someone singing in the shower.

    It is a rare occasion when you can see people unapologetically being themselves… that is until they notice, and then you are both embarrassed.  Much like walking in on someone in the bathroom.  It is not your fault they didn’t lock the door, but you are the one who is going to feel like the pervert.

    Because The Munch is a toddler and you are not supposed to leave them alone for extended periods of time (squares), I have always assumed that she just is who she is in front of me.  I figured she hasn’t developed awareness that I am observing her, therefore has no reason to be self- conscious and wouldn’t act any different by herself.  It made me wonder when we started to care what other people thought of us more than just being our own quirky selves whenever we felt the urge.  Does it make relationships easier if we hide our eccentricities of more boring?

    But now that the weather has gotten nicer, The Munch is a lot more adventurous when we are playing outside and often goes on little excursions on her own.  Yesterday I ran into the house to grab a book and when I came out she had gone off with my mom’s old Iphone and was talking into it pretending to be on a call.   It went a little something like this;

    “Hi…oatmeal….motorcycle…hahahahahaha… ummmmmm….thanks….okay….oatmeal with blueberries…. Mama yoga… motorcycle… okay…. Okay…. Hahahahahahahaha…ummmmmm…. Bye.”

    She then saw I was watching her and got embarrassed!  She pointed to the phone and said;

    “Munchee talking on the phone…” and then ran away to continue her conversation.  She would then only talk when I was out of sight and with her back to me!

    I guess it was a private conversation?

    “Sorry about that… my mom was trying to listen in…. go on with what you were saying…”

    April 16, 2012 • 1 year old, baby brain, Behavior, Talking and Not Talking • Views: 1108

  • The World Revolves Around ME!

    Conversations are opportunities for you to hear the brilliance of your own thoughts out loud.  Maybe that is why we have relationships with other humans? So we have the excuse to speak our minds without the embarrassment of talking to yourself… alone in your room, pacing, while looking at the floor and chewing your tongue.  Don’t get me wrong, I love chatting with people and listening to what they have to say, but mostly because they inspire ideas out of me that I get to say next!  Me! Me! Me!

    I like to think of myself as this giving, caring, empathetic person, but every so often I get reminded of my righteous arrogance and I have to laugh and laugh.  I look so cute when I laugh.

    We are obsessed with ourselves because we are own universe.  My world does revolve around me, and everyone else is best supporting actor to this epic movie I am the star of that is all about me!

    That is why having toddler who is eager to learn language has been an amazing boost to my ego.  She listens to everything I say, and then repeats my words proving how interesting I am!



    April 12, 2012 • 1 year old, Musings, Talking and Not Talking • Views: 1812

  • Stop Telling Me What To Do!

    It is really easy to take credit for you kid’s natural talents.  I find parents love to tell themselves that everything great about their child was inherited from them, and every thing that is annoying is because that is “just the way they are.”  You don’t hear a lot of “I don’t know where Timmy gets his good looks because I am an absolute hag, but he totally gets his irrational rage and selfishness from me.”

    I am no different.  I love attributing myself to everything that is amazing about The Munch, especially her pretty face because come on.

    So the Munch is an early talker, and at first I was really proud of this because I obviously thought her verbal proficiency was because of my vast intelligence.  Not only my superior DNA, but also think of all the talking I do in front of her… saying such profound things as “I like your new profile picture” while on the phone.

    People would say “wow, she really says a lot for only being 20 months old” and I would act oblivious to her genius so I came off as nonchalant and not a cunt.  But secretly I was thinking to myself that this baby is going somewhere.  And that somewhere was usually to wash her toys in the toilet.

    But I have to say, although it is sort of great that Munch is so communicative, it is also slightly ruining my life.  This kid is bossy as hell and does not stop telling me what to do!  (And of course I do everything she says because I am scared of her).

    It is quite distracting when it comes to living my life, and I have no idea what to do about it.  She gets especially demanding if I am giving my attention to someone else too.  For instance I was trying to have a conversation with my friend Gita last night and this is how it went.

    Me: So Gita, go on about what happened.

    Munch: Mama… More apple juice please.

    Gita: Well….

    Munch: More apple juice please.  More apple juice please.  More apple juice please.  More apple juice please. More apple juice please.

    Me: Okay Munch, here is your juice.  Go on Gita.

    Gita: He said….

    Munch: Where’s my bear?

    Me: Gita I am listening.

    Munch: Where’s my bear? Where’s my bear? Where’s my bear? Where’s my bear? Where’s my bear? Where’s my bear? Where’s my bear? Where’s my bear?

    Me: I don’t know Munch, check the living room.  Sorry Gita, please keep going.

    Gita: Ummm, where was I….

    Munch: I found bear! I found bear! I found bear! I found bear! I found bear! I found bear! I found bear! I found bear! I found bear! I found bear! I found bear! I found bear! I found bear!

    Gita: Oh yeah he said….

    Munch: Mama kiss bear… Mama kiss bear… Mama kiss bear… Mama kiss bear… Mama kiss bear… Mama kiss bear… Mama kiss bear…

    Where does she get this bossy, demanding, demeanor from?  Oh, by the way, read my blog again and laugh more.  Do it now.  Laugh at all the right parts.  Right now.  Email my blog to a friend.  Do it . Do it.  Do it.  Do it.  Do it right now.  Tell your friends to read my blog.  No. Not later. Right now.  Do it. Do it . Do it.  Do it.  Do it.  Do it right now.

    April 2, 2012 • 1 year old, Education, Musings, Parenting, Talking and Not Talking • Views: 1153

  • Up!

    Although grunting may not be the best method of direct communication for The Munch, it was somewhat preferred by me because I could ignore her needs without having to feel guilty about it. Not all her needs of course, I am not a total jerk, just the ones that I thought were dumb.

    When she wanted me to pick her up while I was in the middle of doing something she would just go “Uhhhhheggggggeee… Nnnnnnneeehehhhh… Mmmmmeeeehhhheeee…” Yes maybe her body language of outstretched arms and neck looking up at with such veracity her head almost snapped off was obvious, but I could still feign ignorance and keep living my life. Now that she knows the world “up” and says it so freaking cute I want to lock myself in a closet and laugh till I cry then cry till I laugh for about 7 hours, I cannot reject her. She rules my life with her adorable little “up.” I now have to cook while holding her, clean while holding her, go to the bathroom while holding her, all so she is “up.”

    Before I could pretend I had no idea what she wanted when The Munch would bang at my boobs and practically rip my shirt off, but now she says “na na” when she wants to nurse. Is that not the most adorable thing you have ever heard? Well, besides hearing that cat meow “I love you” on the internet. I am trying to break the addiction to my boobs… which I know is hard because they are fantastic… but this new “na na” business has totally screwed with me!

    I don’t know what I am going to do. The more words she uses to make it clear what she wants the more I want to give her everything because hearing her little baby voice is outstandingly endearing. Her talking is way more manipulative then her grunting that is for sure. No wonder why people developed language… those sneaky primitive humanoids always getting what you want!


    I know this is blurry, but this is her asking for “na na” while being “up” while I am on the toilet