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Don’t Make Me Look Bad!

Having a kid is like having a reflection of you running around out there in the world.  A tiny mirror covered in stains that you essentially have little control over, unless you have them muzzled and on a leash… or constrained in one of those Hannibal Lector masks while strapped to a full body stretcher- but that might be taking it a little far.

Every person who comes into contact with your kid, not only judges them mercilessly, but they also judge the shit out of you.  Whenever The Munch acts like a prick in front of other people I want to say to her “Munch… don’t you know how bad you are making me look? Doesn’t that matter to you more than crying because I won’t put your underwear back on that has a poo stain from a wet fart?”

Of course you can discipline your kid and try to keep them in line when they are in public, but you can’t anticipate their every move, and sometimes they do shit that embarrasses the shit out of you.  And then everyone you are around is not only silently ripping apart your kid in their head, but also what a crappy parent you are.  Sure, out loud they say “awww they are just being a kid,” but in their mind they are saying “your brat is a dick hole and you are a shitty ass parent.”  I only know this because this goes through my head all the time, so don’t even think of trying to deny it.

Your kid’s behavior can be just as humiliating as your own, but without the feeling of satisfaction you get from acting out yourself.  At least when I embarrass myself there is that release and catharsis that comes from being taboo.  But I can be acting perfectly civilized while The Munch throws her baby because her feet got sandy at the beach.  Maybe that Hannibal Lecter thing isn’t such a bad idea.

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