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  • The White Man’s Medicine

    I am one of those people who hasn’t taken an Advil for 15 years. I have a personal dedication to holistic and alternative healing… to the point where I had a yeast infection for 2 months using twigs and berries as a remedy because I refused the white man’s medicine Monistat. That, and I had already committed to healing holistically from this pesky brain tumor so I felt I had to stay consistent. I couldn’t expect to heal my brain if I couldn’t heal my vagina, and as any one knows the vagina is just as important as the silly brain.

    The reason I am thinking of all this is because The Munch got so sick I felt truly terrified. She had been miserable since last Wednesday, but I just figured she was teething. Looking back, I feel pretty dumb because her body felt super warm, but it was also super hot outside. You know… one of those weeks where you kept hearing unique statements like “hot enough for ya’?” and “staying cool?” What are people thinking when they say stuff like that? Why not just call it like it is. “Damn, it is as hot and moist as a turned on vagina right now!”

    I digress

    Luckily my friend Forrest came over to help me get my head out of my ass. What is that you say?? Oh, I do a lot of yoga so I am pretty flexible… that is how.

    “Umm Toni, The Munch is really is hot… I think you should take her temp.”

    “I tried to get the thermometer under her armpit earlier but she kept moving around so I gave up.” (Note to reader… I fully admit that is lame).

    “Ummmm, yeah, you got to go up the ass.” Lucky for me, Forrest knew what she was doing and when she stuck that metal stick up my daughters butt I knew she was a real friend.

    “102…”

    “Crap Forrest, what should we do?”

    “This is where I go to Google… Google will know.”

    So the magical world of the internet told us to give her some baby Advil/Tylenol to bring the fever down. Despite my dogmatic approach to myself, I just couldn’t fuck around with The Munch. Part of me wanted to say “Hey girl… mind over matter. Just will your temperature down like a Tibetan Buddhist monk…” but I was scared. I felt so vulnerable, and I just wanted her to feel better.

    An hour later, the Tylenol brought her fever down, so we went to bed. I thought we were okay, until she woke up at 3:00am vomiting, and shaking. Despite my normal aversion to hospitals and doctors, I was in the ER faster than… faster than…. a car… driving really fast.

    Her temp had risen to 105. They did blood work, shoved Tylenol up her butt, and tried twice to give her a catheter but couldn’t find her tiny baby pee hole. I had to stop them and say that is enough trying because I couldn’t stand it anymore. I personally didn’t even know you could put something up your pee hole, and they kept fumbling. So the nurse gave her a shot of antibiotics and sent us home. It was horrible. I know they were doing the best they could, but they didn’t really know what was wrong. I didn’t want to give her antibiotics because of how it effects your body’s natural immune system, but I felt so desperate. I wanted my breast milk to have the healing power of crystals in it and make everything okay, but I also want to have purple eyes and I guess we can’t control everything.

    The next day she was miserable. I couldn’t put her down, she cried the entire time she was awake, and would just say “mama mama mama mama” over and over and over again. We went back to the doctor where they put her on antibiotics for 10 days.
    Of course, everything has a consequence, so the antibiotics hurt her tummy and not only give her diarrhea, but painful gas and nice juicy wet farts. Now that is something to look forward to! So I am giving her probiotics to help her stomach handle the antibiotics, and I am sitting here wondering what the hell a biotic is?

    But today she is feeling better…. Is it the white mans’ medicine? Or would she have felt better anyway?? It is so hard to know for sure.

    So this is what I think about all this, because I am highly conflicted.

    I believe in the power of positive thinking. I believe that there are many natural remedies and cures out there. I believe that as a conscious person, you have a choice about your health and how best to heal. For my own health, I will always choose the dandelion powder and quail egg extract over anything I could get at CVS.

    But a baby is different. I don’t really know what is wrong with her. She can’t tell me what hurts, and I don’t think she gets it when I tell her “Think about what is going on in your life… what is the universe trying to tell you by this illness? Is there something in your life that you cannot stomach? That you need to purge? Is someone making you angry and that is why you are hot and have a fever? Is it repressed rage? Sickness is the true-self trying to communicate to the ego through the language of the body… what is your true-self saying?” Yeah… she just kind of gives me a blank stare.

    I think the homeopathic path is the best when you don’t feel totally frantic. But when you feel like you are dealing with an emergency, it is nice that we have the white man’s medicine even if it does make you shard* your pants.

    *Shard: When you shit your pants when you fart

    When she was sleeping all I could do was stare at the video monitor to make sure she was okay and still breathing ☹

    July 27, 2011 • 9-12 months, Adventures, Baby Body, Health, Parenting • Views: 1445

  • Mama Knows Best

    Have you ever gotten stung by a bee, wasp, or a yuppie? Doesn’t it suck? I always thought I had an allergy to bee stings. Partly because the sting would get swollen, puffy, and hurt for days and days… and partly because I thought it would get me attention.

    So the other day I was texting and walking through the grass, when out of nowhere stepped on a bee. Sure… the bee had to sacrifice its life because of me, but I misspelled my text because of this! Not to mention it hurt like crazy. I got so mad at my phone, the person I was texting, the world. Suddenly, life didn’t make any sense. Why was I being punished? I am good person right? What did I do to deserve this?

    As I dropped to my knees to curse God, my mom came outside.

    “What happened? You step on a bee?”

    “Yes! Yes! Why? Why God Why!?”

    My mom went inside, I figured to leave me in peace for my last few moments on planet earth, but then she came out with vinegar and an ice cube wrapped in a paper towel. She poured the vinegar on my foot.

    “This will get the stinger out.”

    “No Mom it won’t… it is in there forever… I will never walk again.”

    “Here, put some ice on it.”

    “Nothing is going to help me. Why even bother? I might as well just die.”

    I took the ice, smelled my foot, and strangely enough started craving a salad. I got on the phone to say my final goodbyes and noticed my foot didn’t really hurt anymore. After 10 minutes of icing it, it was actually fine. As if nothing had ever happened.

    “Huh… I guess my mom was right about that vinegar trick.”

    This whole fiasco made me realize I have a lot to learn about home remedies for when The Munch gets hurt. That way I can just swoop in wearing flowing white clothes and fix her burn with ladybug saliva and strawberry seeds.

    A wasp sting of my past… pre knowledge from my mama

    July 25, 2011 • 9-12 months, Adventures, Health, Parenting • Views: 2451

  • Belief Systems and Hugging Amma

    There are a wide range of beliefs out there in the world. You can believe in Santa Clause, Jesus, The Devil, Allah, that high heels make your butt look better… People have belief systems of how they should live their lives that impacts their moral code of ethics. We often filter our actions through our belief system to determine our behavior despite the highly personal and subjective experience of forming beliefs. There is often turmoil when people’s beliefs differ even though something doesn’t have to be a fact in order to believe in it. We don’t need concrete proof to believe, because the power of intuition is enough. There is something truly magical, and dangerous about beliefs. Such extremes as people refusing to eat carbs or going on a suicide missions are motivated by what someone believes in.

    I just thought of something. Wouldn’t it be funny to lick someone’s face the first time you meet them, and when they get upset just say…. “oh… you see, licking is part of my belief system. I believe it is the best way to communicate… so…. Yeah.”

    I question my personal beliefs, and the concept of passing beliefs on to my child. Part of me feels like it is indoctrination to force a belief on an impressionable young person. Yes, by living with me I am going to expose her to my beliefs, but does that mean I should lead her to think that everything I believe is true? Would that effect her capacity to come up with her own beliefs? Or if I am too adaptable about my beliefs would that confuse her? Is it better to be rigid even if your children eventually rebel?

    What got me thinking about all this is taking The Munch to hug Amma. From my vast extensive internet research, I have learnt that people have many varying beliefs about her. Some claim she is a saint, others believe her to be an energetic vampire. It is kind of hard for me to believe that someone that goes around hugging people would have bad intentions, but I also believe that deep down Tom and Jerry really loved each other. But despite the critics, there is a whole industry around her including Amma water bottles, hats, and dolls where the proceeds go to her wold wide philanthropy.

    Although I did not feel as if Amma was personally sucking my energy like Count Dracula, I did find the energy of the people at the event to be pushy and aggressive. In kept thinking “uhhhhh… aren’t we all here because we want a hug? Can’t we just simma down a bit and maybe hug each other rather than stomping on my toes to get to your coconut water?” People were literally like “Get the F out of my way! I am trying to get a god damn freaking hug here!” But the actual experience of the embrace felt quite peaceful, not to mention that she is the only human ever to live that has hugged 31 million people! What a unique life experience!

    I guess what I am saying is that maybe I don’t feel concrete enough about anything to tell my child that something is definite. Except for the absolute fact that aliens are living among us and the Royal family is descendents of an evil reptilian species that controls the world through the New World Order and orchestrated the moon landing and 911 because that is so obviously true and reasonable…

    July 13, 2011 • 9-12 months, Adventures, Musings, Political Banter • Views: 1612

  • I Am An Animal

    I have a theory about why mankind is destroying the planet. Okay. Here is goes.

    Francis Bacon is considered the father of empiricism and Western scientific method. In his writings, he talked of the importance of dominating nature. Controlling it. He would even use metaphors of raping the earth. I don’t know about you, but if I had a penis, I wouldn’t rape mother-nature. I would whisper sweet nothings into the grass, slowly caress the trees, and gently lick the ocean. Ohhhh yeahhhhh. Now that is what I am talking about.

    It is not only profound, but telling that someone so influential in western scientific thought had such aggressive beliefs on how man and nature should interact. It wasn’t about cooperation and appreciation, but conquering. Part of me understands why men had once felt the pressure to dominate nature, because they were responsible for fighting off saber tooth tigers, wrestling wooly mammoths, and building shelter to protect their families from the elements. That is a lot of pressure, and I am sure I would have wanted my man to be man enough to beat up a bear.

    But just because we needed to defend ourselves from nature, doesn’t mean that we aren’t a part of it.

    The female experience of childbirth and raising babies has shown me just how much apart of the “animal kingdom” we humans really are. I never felt more connected to the Discovery Channel then during the primal experience of giving birth, and then letting a being eat from my boobs! Every time I breast feed I seriously feel like an animal.

    So my theory is that because men make most of the global decisions regarding the environment, they still have a primal instinct to fight against nature. Baconian thinking is so prevalent in our Western culture, that there seems to be a disconnect between wanting to be safe, and the need to be respectful. Of course, you don’t have to give birth or be a mother to appreciate and understand our place in nature, but I do think that for all the men who are still battling against the earth, a little nipple sucking might help them see the light?

    July 12, 2011 • 9-12 months, Musings, Political Banter • Views: 1212

  • Google Must Seem Like a God To Kids

    You want to think of something crazy? My grandmother used to travel around in a horse and buggy when she was a kid. What?? Can you even fathom how much life has changed in the last century? We have become so accustomed to instantaneous communication and exchange of information that to wait 1 minute for a video to buffer is grounds to sue your internet provider. What? I can’t watch this circle go round for a full 60 seconds… that is preposterous.

    The funny thing about my generation, the generation to grow up in the 80’s, is that we really experienced the end of an era in terms of technology. No cell phones, no internet, no Facebook… in fact we still had rotary phones, were limited to 2 dimensional computer games, and cartoons were only on Saturday mornings. I mean… I am talking an archaic deprived existence here. When I had to research a paper for school, I HAD TO GO TO THE LIBRARY! Can you imagine? (I still don’t get how the library works. What is the Dewey decimal system? Was that Linear B? I couldn’t find a book in the library if your life depended on it. I wouldn’t risk my life for such a stupid hypothetical situation. Btw… I will have you know that I was that person who went straight to the reference desk. Thank you library lady, wherever you are, now that you are jobless).

    But think about how nuts it must be to grow up in this current technological paradigm. Everything you ever wanted to know about life, Google knows the answer to.

    “Mom… why is the sky blue?”

    No more cryptic answers… No more pontificating, guessing, or stalling until your kid just forgets what you are talking about. Just hop on you iphone and Google it and the answer is yours. You hardly even have to go to the doctor anymore. Have a random rash? Check it out on Google, find some holistic remedies and put some comfrey leaf on it and quit complaining.

    Imagine how many times a kid will hear a question, and the answer will be “I don’t know… Google it.” Google has become like an all-knowing omnipotent God. Except Google won’t create a flood to punish us humans for being wicked… because then all the computers would get wet.

    June 22, 2011 • 9-12 months, Musings, Political Banter • Views: 1789

  • The Stars Screw With You!

    I know it may sound new agey, but I really do believe that the stars and what is going on in the cosmos effects your moods. Let me tell you why.

    On Wednesday, The Munch was being the biggest little jerk on planet earth. I almost didn’t even know who she was anymore and actually kept asking her that question. Needless to say, she would just give me a saucy look that said “I rule you.” She would whine and yell at me whenever I put her down, she would toss any toy I gave her like she was an Olympic shot-put champion… which by the way, is a very respectable sport. And most detrimental to my ego, therefore most importantly, she refused to laugh at all my jokes.

    The worst part about this scene, was that we weren’t alone. I had two friends come by, which only made me self-conscious about what an a-hole she was being.

    “I notice what is happening too… I just want you to know that I am not like I am blind to this.”

    At one point, The Munch was in her high chair and dropped her apple. My friend bent over and picked it up, The Munch looked her dead in the eye, and threw it back on the ground.

    “Oh no you didn’t!” I was so mortified! Who does that?

    We took her upstairs to take a bath, and no I did not fantasize about drowning her… but I did splash her in the face a few times. Then my friend said…

    “You know, it’s not only the new moon tonight, but also a solar eclipse at 9:00.” Sure enough it was about 8:45. The insanity ensued, and then at about 9:10 she tired herself out and went to bed.

    Okay… there is a big possibility that The Munch was just being a meanie because she just was… But I am much more comfortable blaming it on that lame-o new moon stupid solar eclipse.

    June 3, 2011 • 9-12 months, Baby Brain, Environmental Impact, Parenting • Views: 947

  • Why Does Eco Stuff Have To Suck Sometimes?

    I am that person that is going to buy the eco version of everything and anything. Sure it is usually twice as expensive and packaged in brown paper with muted green branding and self-righteous stories, but I will buy it anyway. I am that person.

    Okay… but you know what? Some of that eco shit sucks.

    I know it is better for the environment and blah blah blah, and I care about the future of the world for my baby and yadda yadda yadda, but still. The sunscreen for example never blends in and makes you look like Casper. The tin foil doesn’t clamp onto anything and just hangs off your dishes like a limp penis. Don’t even get me started on my super expensive phone ear-piece made out of bamboo and happy BPA free plastic that only works if I am in a handstand and holding my Blackberry at a 127 degree angle.

    I am totally willing to accept that what makes mass produced products seem superior is probably because of the chemicals, toxins, and fairy blood they use to manufacture it. I know that Deet bug spray works so well because it is actually Agent Orange. I don’t regret the fact that my sponge made of sea foam doesn’t exactly absorb anything, and more just spreads the moisture around. Or that my fair trade water free laundry detergent made from peasants in small village in San Francisco doesn’t actually get any stains out… so The Munch and I are trying to make puke and poo splotches fashionable.

    Okay… so this is an eco spoon… spoons usually go in hot things right? So why is it melting??

    So because I endure all suck of eco stuff I think it is only fair that I sometimes run a fan outside to keep the bugs off of The Munch ;o)

    May 31, 2011 • 9-12 months, Environmental Impact, Political Banter • Views: 999

  • Are Boobs Inherently Sexual?

    I had an epiphany the other day thinking about boobs. What I mean by epiphany is a decent thought worth sharing, and what I mean by boobs are those fun bags that hang off of ladies. It all started when I read an article my friend sent about breastfeeding in Mongolia. The author discusses how culturally acceptable and even encouraged public breastfeeding is, and I was totally at peace reading it until this part “My friend Buana, now 20, explained her gold-medal breastfeeding career to me: “I grew up in a yurt way out in the countryside. My mom always told me to drink up, that it was good for me. I thought that’s what every nine-year-old was doing. When I went to school, I stopped.” She looked at me with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. “But I still like to drink it sometimes.”

    Hmmmmmmmmmm… okay….

    This made me realize that for the Western mind, we see boobs as mostly sexual body parts. So when a young baby breastfeeds for the purpose of sustenance, health, and fitting in at mommy groups, it is okay. But as the baby gets older, it is hard not to feel there is a sexual component involved because we are a society obsessed with the sexuality of breasts.

    Now I am not an anthropologist or anything, but I am pretty sure that Mongolians living in yurts are not getting breast implants to enhance their sex appeal. Maybe for them boobies are not sexualized as much as they are functionalized. Perhaps it doesn’t even occur to them to question the sexuality factor because in Mongolia breastfeeding is not an intimate act, but a public one.

    Case and point…“If a woman’s breasts are engorged and her baby is not at hand, she will simply go around and ask a family member, of any age or sex, if they’d like a drink. Often a woman will express a bowlful for her husband as a treat, or leave some in the fridge for anyone to help themselves.”

    Now there is a visual to keep you entertained…

    I guess all of this would be hard to understand if I wasn’t experiencing the act of breastfeeding now. For me, my boobs are not only asexual, they are outright prude. I think they have both converted into Muslim fundamentalists, because they like to stay covered up too. And in no way, have I ever wondered if The Munch “likes me like that.”

    May 18, 2011 • 9-12 months, Breast Feeding, Mommy Body, Musings, Political Banter • Views: 4289

  • Bugs Annoy Me (People Who Complain About Bugs Annoy Me)

    When people complain about weather, or gripe about the miner inconveniences of being outside it really bothers me. I mean who are we to criticize nature? It is not like you hear fleas bitching about dog breath. We should be happy the earth hasn’t bathed us away with toxic chemicals so it could go back to sleeping in the bed with its master. With that being said, I am going to whine about nature because bugs really annoy me.

    Bugs! Stop-a… Leave me alone-a…

    This is where life gets really unfair. Like having to wait for a video to buffer. You have to deal with a gagillion months of winter, and then as soon as it starts to get nice out, all the bugs come out. Now it would be fine if it were just butterflies, they have those nice wings and give out kisses, but the black flies have got to go.

    If you don’t live in an area that has black flies let me explain them to you. They are black and they fly. I believe they hatched from the bowel movements of Satan, and they buzz around your face and often land in your eyeball becoming stuck in the moisture of your eye juice. You can feel them bite you with their wicked bug teeth that they never brush, and I guarantee you will itch that spot until it bleeds.

    Bugs are attracted to clean people because they like the floral scent of shampoos, which is why I stopped using soap of all forms relying on my natural scent to camouflage myself with the farm animals. I also spend an ample amount of time swatting, swiping, swinging, and flailing my arms to try and get them away from me. I end up looking like I am part of an avant garde modern dance on pedestrian and extreme movement analysis… boy am I sophisticated.

    The Munch on the other hand isn’t annoyed by bugs at all. She just looks at them. I guess for her it is like a Led Zeppelin laser lights show. They just fly around her face tripping her out. Maybe because she is so one with the universe they never bite her. Or maybe she is communicating with them telepathically, letting them know I am the one to go after to get me back for when she rolled off the couch. Point is she seems to have befriended the black flies, except for the one who flew in her mouth. Maybe she insulted that one, or went after her boyfriend. You know how flies get….

    “I am going to hug each and everyone of you sweet things….”

    May 13, 2011 • 9-12 months, Environmental Impact, Musings • Views: 1217