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  • I Am An Animal

    I have a theory about why mankind is destroying the planet. Okay. Here is goes.

    Francis Bacon is considered the father of empiricism and Western scientific method. In his writings, he talked of the importance of dominating nature. Controlling it. He would even use metaphors of raping the earth. I don’t know about you, but if I had a penis, I wouldn’t rape mother-nature. I would whisper sweet nothings into the grass, slowly caress the trees, and gently lick the ocean. Ohhhh yeahhhhh. Now that is what I am talking about.

    It is not only profound, but telling that someone so influential in western scientific thought had such aggressive beliefs on how man and nature should interact. It wasn’t about cooperation and appreciation, but conquering. Part of me understands why men had once felt the pressure to dominate nature, because they were responsible for fighting off saber tooth tigers, wrestling wooly mammoths, and building shelter to protect their families from the elements. That is a lot of pressure, and I am sure I would have wanted my man to be man enough to beat up a bear.

    But just because we needed to defend ourselves from nature, doesn’t mean that we aren’t a part of it.

    The female experience of childbirth and raising babies has shown me just how much apart of the “animal kingdom” we humans really are. I never felt more connected to the Discovery Channel then during the primal experience of giving birth, and then letting a being eat from my boobs! Every time I breast feed I seriously feel like an animal.

    So my theory is that because men make most of the global decisions regarding the environment, they still have a primal instinct to fight against nature. Baconian thinking is so prevalent in our Western culture, that there seems to be a disconnect between wanting to be safe, and the need to be respectful. Of course, you don’t have to give birth or be a mother to appreciate and understand our place in nature, but I do think that for all the men who are still battling against the earth, a little nipple sucking might help them see the light?

    July 12, 2011 • 9-12 months, Musings, Political Banter • Views: 1157

  • Google Must Seem Like a God To Kids

    You want to think of something crazy? My grandmother used to travel around in a horse and buggy when she was a kid. What?? Can you even fathom how much life has changed in the last century? We have become so accustomed to instantaneous communication and exchange of information that to wait 1 minute for a video to buffer is grounds to sue your internet provider. What? I can’t watch this circle go round for a full 60 seconds… that is preposterous.

    The funny thing about my generation, the generation to grow up in the 80’s, is that we really experienced the end of an era in terms of technology. No cell phones, no internet, no Facebook… in fact we still had rotary phones, were limited to 2 dimensional computer games, and cartoons were only on Saturday mornings. I mean… I am talking an archaic deprived existence here. When I had to research a paper for school, I HAD TO GO TO THE LIBRARY! Can you imagine? (I still don’t get how the library works. What is the Dewey decimal system? Was that Linear B? I couldn’t find a book in the library if your life depended on it. I wouldn’t risk my life for such a stupid hypothetical situation. Btw… I will have you know that I was that person who went straight to the reference desk. Thank you library lady, wherever you are, now that you are jobless).

    But think about how nuts it must be to grow up in this current technological paradigm. Everything you ever wanted to know about life, Google knows the answer to.

    “Mom… why is the sky blue?”

    No more cryptic answers… No more pontificating, guessing, or stalling until your kid just forgets what you are talking about. Just hop on you iphone and Google it and the answer is yours. You hardly even have to go to the doctor anymore. Have a random rash? Check it out on Google, find some holistic remedies and put some comfrey leaf on it and quit complaining.

    Imagine how many times a kid will hear a question, and the answer will be “I don’t know… Google it.” Google has become like an all-knowing omnipotent God. Except Google won’t create a flood to punish us humans for being wicked… because then all the computers would get wet.

    June 22, 2011 • 9-12 months, Musings, Political Banter • Views: 1731

  • The Stars Screw With You!

    I know it may sound new agey, but I really do believe that the stars and what is going on in the cosmos effects your moods. Let me tell you why.

    On Wednesday, The Munch was being the biggest little jerk on planet earth. I almost didn’t even know who she was anymore and actually kept asking her that question. Needless to say, she would just give me a saucy look that said “I rule you.” She would whine and yell at me whenever I put her down, she would toss any toy I gave her like she was an Olympic shot-put champion… which by the way, is a very respectable sport. And most detrimental to my ego, therefore most importantly, she refused to laugh at all my jokes.

    The worst part about this scene, was that we weren’t alone. I had two friends come by, which only made me self-conscious about what an a-hole she was being.

    “I notice what is happening too… I just want you to know that I am not like I am blind to this.”

    At one point, The Munch was in her high chair and dropped her apple. My friend bent over and picked it up, The Munch looked her dead in the eye, and threw it back on the ground.

    “Oh no you didn’t!” I was so mortified! Who does that?

    We took her upstairs to take a bath, and no I did not fantasize about drowning her… but I did splash her in the face a few times. Then my friend said…

    “You know, it’s not only the new moon tonight, but also a solar eclipse at 9:00.” Sure enough it was about 8:45. The insanity ensued, and then at about 9:10 she tired herself out and went to bed.

    Okay… there is a big possibility that The Munch was just being a meanie because she just was… But I am much more comfortable blaming it on that lame-o new moon stupid solar eclipse.

    June 3, 2011 • 9-12 months, Baby Brain, Environmental Impact, Parenting • Views: 905

  • Why Does Eco Stuff Have To Suck Sometimes?

    I am that person that is going to buy the eco version of everything and anything. Sure it is usually twice as expensive and packaged in brown paper with muted green branding and self-righteous stories, but I will buy it anyway. I am that person.

    Okay… but you know what? Some of that eco shit sucks.

    I know it is better for the environment and blah blah blah, and I care about the future of the world for my baby and yadda yadda yadda, but still. The sunscreen for example never blends in and makes you look like Casper. The tin foil doesn’t clamp onto anything and just hangs off your dishes like a limp penis. Don’t even get me started on my super expensive phone ear-piece made out of bamboo and happy BPA free plastic that only works if I am in a handstand and holding my Blackberry at a 127 degree angle.

    I am totally willing to accept that what makes mass produced products seem superior is probably because of the chemicals, toxins, and fairy blood they use to manufacture it. I know that Deet bug spray works so well because it is actually Agent Orange. I don’t regret the fact that my sponge made of sea foam doesn’t exactly absorb anything, and more just spreads the moisture around. Or that my fair trade water free laundry detergent made from peasants in small village in San Francisco doesn’t actually get any stains out… so The Munch and I are trying to make puke and poo splotches fashionable.

    Okay… so this is an eco spoon… spoons usually go in hot things right? So why is it melting??

    So because I endure all suck of eco stuff I think it is only fair that I sometimes run a fan outside to keep the bugs off of The Munch ;o)

    May 31, 2011 • 9-12 months, Environmental Impact, Political Banter • Views: 950

  • Are Boobs Inherently Sexual?

    I had an epiphany the other day thinking about boobs. What I mean by epiphany is a decent thought worth sharing, and what I mean by boobs are those fun bags that hang off of ladies. It all started when I read an article my friend sent about breastfeeding in Mongolia. The author discusses how culturally acceptable and even encouraged public breastfeeding is, and I was totally at peace reading it until this part “My friend Buana, now 20, explained her gold-medal breastfeeding career to me: “I grew up in a yurt way out in the countryside. My mom always told me to drink up, that it was good for me. I thought that’s what every nine-year-old was doing. When I went to school, I stopped.” She looked at me with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. “But I still like to drink it sometimes.”

    Hmmmmmmmmmm… okay….

    This made me realize that for the Western mind, we see boobs as mostly sexual body parts. So when a young baby breastfeeds for the purpose of sustenance, health, and fitting in at mommy groups, it is okay. But as the baby gets older, it is hard not to feel there is a sexual component involved because we are a society obsessed with the sexuality of breasts.

    Now I am not an anthropologist or anything, but I am pretty sure that Mongolians living in yurts are not getting breast implants to enhance their sex appeal. Maybe for them boobies are not sexualized as much as they are functionalized. Perhaps it doesn’t even occur to them to question the sexuality factor because in Mongolia breastfeeding is not an intimate act, but a public one.

    Case and point…“If a woman’s breasts are engorged and her baby is not at hand, she will simply go around and ask a family member, of any age or sex, if they’d like a drink. Often a woman will express a bowlful for her husband as a treat, or leave some in the fridge for anyone to help themselves.”

    Now there is a visual to keep you entertained…

    I guess all of this would be hard to understand if I wasn’t experiencing the act of breastfeeding now. For me, my boobs are not only asexual, they are outright prude. I think they have both converted into Muslim fundamentalists, because they like to stay covered up too. And in no way, have I ever wondered if The Munch “likes me like that.”

    May 18, 2011 • 9-12 months, Breast Feeding, Mommy Body, Musings, Political Banter • Views: 3943

  • Bugs Annoy Me (People Who Complain About Bugs Annoy Me)

    When people complain about weather, or gripe about the miner inconveniences of being outside it really bothers me. I mean who are we to criticize nature? It is not like you hear fleas bitching about dog breath. We should be happy the earth hasn’t bathed us away with toxic chemicals so it could go back to sleeping in the bed with its master. With that being said, I am going to whine about nature because bugs really annoy me.

    Bugs! Stop-a… Leave me alone-a…

    This is where life gets really unfair. Like having to wait for a video to buffer. You have to deal with a gagillion months of winter, and then as soon as it starts to get nice out, all the bugs come out. Now it would be fine if it were just butterflies, they have those nice wings and give out kisses, but the black flies have got to go.

    If you don’t live in an area that has black flies let me explain them to you. They are black and they fly. I believe they hatched from the bowel movements of Satan, and they buzz around your face and often land in your eyeball becoming stuck in the moisture of your eye juice. You can feel them bite you with their wicked bug teeth that they never brush, and I guarantee you will itch that spot until it bleeds.

    Bugs are attracted to clean people because they like the floral scent of shampoos, which is why I stopped using soap of all forms relying on my natural scent to camouflage myself with the farm animals. I also spend an ample amount of time swatting, swiping, swinging, and flailing my arms to try and get them away from me. I end up looking like I am part of an avant garde modern dance on pedestrian and extreme movement analysis… boy am I sophisticated.

    The Munch on the other hand isn’t annoyed by bugs at all. She just looks at them. I guess for her it is like a Led Zeppelin laser lights show. They just fly around her face tripping her out. Maybe because she is so one with the universe they never bite her. Or maybe she is communicating with them telepathically, letting them know I am the one to go after to get me back for when she rolled off the couch. Point is she seems to have befriended the black flies, except for the one who flew in her mouth. Maybe she insulted that one, or went after her boyfriend. You know how flies get….

    “I am going to hug each and everyone of you sweet things….”

    May 13, 2011 • 9-12 months, Environmental Impact, Musings • Views: 1162

  • Breastfeeding in Public

    Although I am an advocate for breastfeeding in public, I get totally weirded out when people do it in front of me. Even though I do it to my friends all the time, I feel funny when I am the one witnessing it. I will tell you why… because I am looking at your boobs. Even though I am pretending not to, I am. I can’t help it. They are just there, staring at me like a Cyclops, and I am going to look.

    Now of course I think breastfeeding is natural and beautiful and blah blah blah, but it is still your boob. I don’t see boobs everyday, except for the ones attached to me, and I am bored of those.

    When the baby is really young it is easier, because they baby serves as sort of a stripper pasty, minus the sparkling dangling stuff. Point is, the baby means business, and is not letting go of your nipple or turning away even for the wonders of Cirque du Soleil. I will say however, that it can be awkward when someone looks at the baby attached to you and mentions how beautiful they are, because what are they really looking at? The top nip is still exposed you know.

    As the baby gets older, and more aware of the world, they get distracted. I could be feeding The Munch while someone shuts the door in the other room, and she will turn her head stretching my nip like taffy to check out the noise. Or lets say you and I are in a conversation and you laugh… The Munch will abandon her meal leaving me exposed to the world, just to participate in the fun. This can lead to an uncomfortable moment, because if you are anything like me, you are staring at my boob. The funny thing is, you are the one who feels like the pervert, even though I don’t feel like a flasher. What are you doing looking at my boob anyway? I am just doing what is a natural beautiful thing right?

    So my solution to the breastfeeding in public dilemma? A black bar. A black bar like they have in photos when there is a nip slip. Manufacture a black bar to magically matriculate once the nip feels the cool bite of air. That way no one ever has to feel weird!

    “Phew, now I can continue talking about my horoscope and not feel awkward…”

    May 12, 2011 • 9-12 months, Breast Feeding, Mommy Body, Mommy Mind, Political Banter • Views: 3710

  • The Hypocrisy of Being Green and Making Babies

    If you had one lice on your head, would you think it was a problem? How about two? Would you hunt them down and murder them, or just let them be? What about 10? Or 20? Or 200? What is the number of lice on your skull that you would tolerate before you dunked your head in toxic poison to kill them all? Sometimes I think that is how the earth feels about us. Even though I know over population is a serious threat to the environment, it is hard to come up with a solution without some sad stuff happening. I mean, I am not a mathematician or anything, but either more people have to die or less people have to be born.

    About a year ago, when I was pregnant, I saw
    this video

    I had to laugh at the irony of the moment, especially when I thought of my hybrid SUV in which I was planning to drive my baby home from the hospital. Life is such a quantum mass of contradictions. As much as I want to consider myself an environmentalist with my recycling system that would put Al Gore to shame, an organic farm that would make Michael Pollen kale-colored with envy, and guaranteeing I let every yellow mellow in the toilette, does my procreating negate all that? Is my producing another human to consume and create waste mean that I can no longer judge people for using Dawn or drinking from plastic water bottles?

    I now find myself second-guessing every environmental decision since I produced this little being of natural destruction. Take for instance diapers. Do you I use cloth diapers? But what about all the laundry? Think of all the children who die because they can’t get clean water… the same water I am washing my kids poo with. Okay, what about 7th generation diapers? They are okay, but if I use them while she sleeps, she wakes up covered in pee and I have to wash her outfit or ignore the comments at the grocery store that my baby smells like urine. So, what if I use Huggies just at night? Is that okay?

    Or toys. I don’t want her to have off-gassing toys made by babies in the developing world, so I should buy all new eco happy toys, right? But the price difference between a ruby ducky chew toy at Babies R Us, and a Sophie giraffe is $20. For a parent like me, I will get the deluxe French shi-shi option because of my belief that too many toys will condition you to be entitled. But what if you differ from my Marxist mommy style? What if you don’t have the money to afford $50 handmade letter blocks, painted with the nectar of butterfly tears collected from virgins in a local field?

    Now that I have a baby, I realize that every choice I make is a potential environmental catastrophe. How do I reconcile the fact that I am glad she is alive, but that every life is a budding threat to the health of the earth? I don’t want to live in denial, but feeling the guilt of creation rather than the beauty is exceedingly stressful. In order to sleep at night, I tell myself “it is not the number of people that is problematic, it is the way people are living…”

    April 27, 2011 • 9-12 months, Environmental Impact, Musings, Parenting, Political Banter • Views: 991

  • The Evolution of Humans (Crystal Children)

    Do you ever wander about the evolution of humans? Are we still evolving? And what does that mean? Will there be physical changes, like growing an extra set of thumbs for power texting? Or mental advancements like being able to read minds, or communicate with computers through our cerebral cortex? Will the evolution be instantaneous, like whoops… one day all babies will be born with a blue tooth implant?

    Well, according the thinkers like Doreen Virtue (and with a name like that, how can we doubt her) the Crystal Children are the new generation of evolved human beings. Crystal Children supposedly have a universal consciousness rather than an individual sense of self. They have a crystal-colored aura, a theoretical field of radiation around the body and are the physical manifestation of pure love. They are next level humans that are born from the Indigo Children, who are a little less evolved then the crystals, and have an Indigo colored aura.

    Now, I don’t know about you, but I am definitely an Indigo Child. I look great in blue. And that Munch has got to be a Crystal Child, because when I was preggers I said to my belly “you better be a Crystal Child or I am sending you back to the baby factory.”

    Before having a baby, I would often feel an intense despair about the helplessness I felt about the state of the planet. I would spend hours watching documentaries that convinced me that the world was coming to an end either from an asteroid, food contamination on a massive scale, or the New World Order’s evil plot. But then I heard of these magical Crystal Children and decided to believe in them. Much like unicorns, or the tooth fairy, I just felt a great comfort trusting they were out there.

    If you take a moment to really consider it, maybe this isn’t so crazy after all. Lets take for instance the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Can man ever undue the damage? Even though we don’t hear about, the Juan Valdez spill, it is still destroying the environment. Is it seriously possible that we humans can clean up the mess that we have made? But maybe these Crystal Children with their magical ways will be able to meditate healing energy into the planet, purifying all the damage? Maybe they will come together with their advanced state of conscionsness and envision the world back into a state of health? Or, maybe The Munch will resent the hell out of me when I try and get her to practice her Crystal Child meditation skills on cleaning up the kitchen for me?

    April 3, 2011 • 9-12 months, Baby Brain, Environmental Impact, Musings • Views: 1188