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  • No More Tears?

    Even though Johnson and Johnson’s shampoo will protect your child from crying, it will also poison them in the process! I know watching tears trickle down your child’s cheeks is devastating, but after reading this article I would much rather deal with some ocean water spewing from The Munch’s face than massaging carcinogens into her still developing skull!

    The thing that is so tragic about the noxious chemicals put in baby products is that the companies are fully aware of the potential dangers, and have the capacity to sell to the public nontoxic options, but choose not to. Other countries that have higher standards and Johnson and Johnson distributes the non-damage-your-baby-for-life-option in places like Holland or the UK, so why are the selling the poison-the-crap-out-of-your-baby-stuff here?

    Partly because our government allows it, and partly because we still buy it.

    Lets say you don’t want to spread venomous bile over your baby’s brain, then you have to fork out more money to buy the eco/natural/organic options. That is a hard thing for many people to rationalize especially when there is the prevailing rational that everything is going to kill you or give you cancer, so what can I really do to protect myself? There is a hopelessness that exists and people’s standards have plummeted where it should be a national outrage that a shampoo can be sold and marketed exclusively to babies that should have a skull and cross bones on the packaging!

    “They are putting what in shampoo? That is horrible! What kind of world did you birth me into?”

    November 9, 2011 • 1 year old, Baby Body, Baby Products, Environmental Impact, Health • Views: 1588

  • Baby Nose Job

    Isn’t it hard to trust people? Finding someone you trust with your child is as difficult as finding someone you trust with your heart. You want them to love your little brat as much as you do, so your monster feels the same loving environment you provide for their selfish ass when you are not around.

    I have found the perfect babysitter for The Munch and her name is Liliana. She is from Moldova, a cuntree I never heard of which at first made me feel dumb, but I bet you never heard of it either so now I feel smarter than you. Her Russian-esque accent makes her sound like a vampire and her hair is so well groomed she puts any thoroughbred to shame with her magnificent mane.

    Yesterday Liliana was watching The Munch and everything seemed fine until she came running into the house with a hysterical baby in her arms.

    “Toni, I so sorry. She fell, and now her nose broken. She cry and cry and she hurt.”

    Okay, I am sure The Munch did not enjoy falling on her face, and her nose was bleeding, but I was pretty positive it wasn’t broken.

    “Liliana it is okay! Babies fall!”

    “But I was right there. It was my fault I no catch her. She play with ball, and we play so well together. But never again do we play with ball.”

    Poor Liliana, the sweetest girl on the planet was crying about not being able to stop The Munch from falling, The Munch was crying as bloody snot covered my shoulder, and I didn’t know who to comfort first.

    As most guys know, nothing takes the pain away like a boob in your mouth, so that was my first plan of attack. Ummmm a boob in The Munch’s mouth you pervert. Liliana ran to get ice to try and ice her nose, which of course was pressed up against my boob. The Munch was not a big fan of this ice idea and kept moving her face, so now Liliana was icing the top of my nipple.

    “I so sorry Toni. She go to hospital yes?”

    Okay, so her nose was bruised, and her lip was so swollen you couldn’t see her teeth when she tried to smile, but there was no way I was going to take her to the hospital. What could they do for her? Give her a baby nose job? She would never sit still for that!

    “Liliana I swear I think she is going to be okay…. Besides if it is really broken she can always get plastic surgery when she is older and fix it right?”

    But after twenty minutes of tears she was back to her old self despite her enflamed face, although we did discuss our surgery plan if her nose does not heal perfectly.

    “Oh no! Not my face mom! Not that face!”

    “Can you still tell even with crusty food and blood on my face?”

    “What about the profile? Still flawless right?”

    October 27, 2011 • 1 year old, Adventures, Baby Body, Health, Playing • Views: 4288


    Have you ever been around someone and their child and thought to yourself “Man, that kid is kind of a dick?” You then wonder how the parents tolerate such lame behavior and why they aren’t stricter with their little demon child. I would fantasize about lecturing them on the importance of discipline like the dog whisperer Caesar Milan, and explain how you need to be the pack leader and assert your dominance. Of course this was in my pre-baby days when I was pretty convinced that raising a dog and a baby was basically the same thing. I still kind of think that except a baby isn’t smart enough to poop outside.

    What I didn’t understand and couldn’t relate to, was how much you love your kid even if they are being a total asshole. You may have the awareness to know they are behaving like a jerk, but acting on it can be difficult because you are hard wired to be empathetic to their needs. But is what The Munch wants in life the same as what she needs? And who am I to judge that?

    For instance, I got really sick recently and could not seem to get better. I went to the hippy holistic doctor who told me my adrenal glands were severely taxed from waking up so much at night with The Munch. Her suggestion was that I wasn’t going to get better until I changed my sleeping habits.

    “Hmmmm well she seems to like sucking my soul out of my boobs throughout the night. I don’t want to traumatize her and make her suffer. What if it changes our relationship? What if she feels abandoned by me? What if for the rest of her life she feels like she can’t trust anyone because of this?”

    (Okay, fine maybe I was being a little intense and a tad dramatic, but that was honestly how I felt).

    “Well Toni, it is going to be a transition, and she might be angry at first. But you are the parent and sometimes you have to make the hard decisions because they are the right ones. She may not be happy about it, but she will get used to it, and maybe you both will get more rest at night. She is probably pretty tired too.”

    I know this sounds dumb, but that was a revolutionary concept for me. Making a decision she may not like because it is “best.”

    Here is a problem about being a parent. How do I know what is best for The Munch? Doesn’t she know what is best for her, and I should be a guide to help her see her own truth? Or am I being too idealistic and she is just a baby who needs to be told what to do? I am having a hard time being the boss of The Munch because I tend to take my cues from her. Probably why I spend a lot of my time giving airplane rides and pretending to fall down. Maybe she is the boss of me…

    She does know how to rock a pair of plaid pants that is for damn sure!

    October 12, 2011 • 1 year old, Behavior, Disciplining, Health, Musings, Parenting, Sleeping • Views: 885

  • Snot-Nosed Kids

    I am stupid sick. My immune system sucks, and I probably have passed on my crappy DNA to The Munch.

    Of course the first thing I want to do is blame someone so I can direct my anger and resentment.

    The only place I feel like I could have caught something was at my mommy group, which makes me mad and sad. Mad because some snot nosed little kid put there snotty hands on me, mad because I must have touched the snot streak and then put my hands in my mouth or eyes or where ever to penetrate my being and get me sick, and sad because I love my mommy group and now next week I am going to think everyone is a suspect, and then mad and sad because now that I am sick I write crazy run-on sentences that seem like they are never going to end.

    Why is that? Why do kids always have snot coming out of their nose? I actually know why… because they can’t figure out how to blow their stupid noses… but still.. grow up already.

    I feel sorry for myself, but then I think how selfish that is because there is so much real suffering in the world and I just have a sore throat and a cold, and then I think about how I am hungry but am too tired to make myself something which makes me then think of all the starving children who don’t have food. Maybe I should have just watched TV and be sick like a normal person…

    What did I do all day? I had someone watch The Munch then spent 3 hours cooking for her and thinking about the Mayan Apocalypse

    September 30, 2011 • 1 year old, Health • Views: 1835

  • Running From Life

    Isn’t it strange that in modern times we have to make time for exorcising? Back in the day, life was exercise enough. I don’t think people were coming back from plowing the fields to do some crunches.

    Animals don’t exercise… You will never see a cheetah doing pushups, or a dog lifting weights. So why do we humans decontextualize exercise? We have to put aside an hour to do repetitive movements rather than just living a life full of movement. Maybe why it is hard for people to get into exercising is because so much of it is boring as shit and makes you feel like a lab rat.

    I can’t really blame anyone who doesn’t want to go to spin classes between working all day and going home to deal with life. Modern technology has afforded us a lot more leisure because we don’t have to walk 10 miles to get water or chop wood for 26 hours to heat our house for 1, but in a way it has also enslaved us to our chairs. Unless you are a gym teacher or a stripper chances are there isn’t a lot of opportunity to move your body in your everyday existence.

    Some of us however, are addicted to movement and need it to survive. Call it ADD, being descendants of hunters, or vanity, but there are people that will make time no matter what, and I am one of them. A day where I don’t move my body around is a day where I feel incomplete.

    So the other day I decided to go for a run. I haven’t been on one for few years, but the idea was calling to me. I had a friend watch The Munch and off I went listening to Missy Eliot on Pandora.

    I realized during this run that this was the longest I had ever moved my body without the Munch for 2 years (if you count my being preggers). She was either inside of me, attached to me, crawling all over me, being carried by me…

    I never ran so fast in my entire life. I felt so free. So light. So appreciative of that moment of just being me flying through the wind looking at the trees. I even sprinted up the last hill I was so excited to get home and tell The Munch all about it.

    I know what you are thinking… and yes I always wear really sexy running outfits like this…

    September 28, 2011 • 1 year old, Adventures, Health, Mommy Mind • Views: 999

  • Stupid Priorities

    How well do you treat yourself? If your underwear is dirty do you change it immediately, or figure it can wait until tomorrow morning’s shower. Do you make sure everyone washes their hands before they shake yours, or hold you? Do you eat the moment you feel hungry, or feel like if starvation is a good enough diet for Hollywood, it is good enough for you?

    I used to take really good care of myself. I would get massages and acupuncture, sleep 8 hours a night, see energy workers be really intentional about the food I ate. You could call me picky… healthy…anorexic… but now I don’t give a care what I put in my mouth because I am so busy worrying about what to feed The Munch. The more I care about her, the less room I have in my brain to care about me. I over-prioritize her while I under-prioritize myself. I stress about if she is going to like what I am making her, if she is served enough vegetables, what her protein to carb ratio is, all while I eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich over the sink.

    So I got this idea in my head to make The Munch quinoa cakes. Simple enough right? Just follow a stupid recipe…

    Why quinoa you may ask? Well, because the box said it was this super ancient grain the Aztecs ate while reading minds and predicting the future.

    So I literally spent 4 hours chopping and grating vegetables, making the stupid quinoa, going out to the chickens and plucking eggs from under their butts, all to make these pancakes. But of course by the time everything was made, the pancakes didn’t stick together for shit. I would have had an easier time constructing a pancake out of a limp penis then this stupid batter I just slaved away making.

    So at this point I am furious. Furious at the world. Furious at the guy who posted this stupid recipe. Furious at the Aztecs for being so prolific.

    I decided that what was needed was flour, which actually worked, and I made the stupid patties.

    “You better like these goddamn quinoa pancakes Munch so help me God….”

    Of course she didn’t… so I gave her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead.

    September 22, 2011 • 1 year old, Adventures, Eating, Health • Views: 1363

  • Maybe You Don’t Know What You Are Doing

    I operate under the fundamental belief that The Munch wants to stay alive and her human instinct will protect her from doing dumb things. I don’t know why I keep convincing myself of this considering I have seen some pretty idiotic actions from eating a penny to touching the tire of my car and then licking her hand. But still my natural inclination is still to trust her.

    The other day I took her to the beach to play around and watch the sunset. Seems pretty harmless right? But this is where things get complicated.

    So all summer The Munch hated the lake and acted really scared of it. Okay fine, maybe she was actually scared, or maybe she just wanted to steal my thunder and be the center of attention. Every time I would go underwater she would cry like I was diving into the 5th dimension. It kind of broke my heart because I LOVE swimming and had all these fantasies of us swimming together wearing bathing caps and drinking champagne, but she was just never into it. She is such a square!

    Needless to say, this fateful evening I didn’t anticipate her going right to the water and walking in with all her clothes on.

    I am not going to lie… I live in a high elevation and it is cooler here, but it was still a sunny evening and I figured she knew what she was doing. Plus, I was so happy that she was curious and interested in the water that I just let it happen.

    As she got further and further into the water, I thought maybe I should take her clothes off because after all she was wearing a cashmere sweater. I mean is there anything cuter than a naked baby on the beach? Okay, fine, maybe a sea lion kissing a kitten in front of a naked baby on the beach is, but it was still pretty cute.

    Just as the sun set I bundled her in my sweater and cranked the heat in the car, but you know what is weird about this story…today she has the sniffles. I wonder how that happened?

    But at least I got some pretty sweet pictures right?

    September 20, 2011 • 1 year old, Adventures, Baby Body, Health • Views: 1053

  • Why Do You Want To Give My Baby Cancer?

    I know this might sound overbearing, but I really want to keep my baby alive. I don’t know, call it mammalian maternal instinct or the fact that I think eating her would be too many empty calories, but my plan is for The Munch to keep living.

    So when my friend sent me this article about toxic car seats that cause neurodevelopmental toxicity, learning disabilities, liver damage and cancer, I thought to myself… WTF????!!!!! Why are they putting arsenic, lead, cadmium, and mercury in car seats for babies??? Babies sit in those things???!! Babies that we are trying to protect from car accidents!! Who thought it would be a good idea to coat a car seat in cancer causing chemicals???? It makes me feel like I should be like Brittany Spears and just drive with The Munch on my lap!

    What is wrong with the world?

    Part of me is totally resigned at times and thinks “Well, everything causes cancer Munch, here, play with my cell phone if it means you will shut your pie hole for a minute…” but the other part of me says that this is totally wack! Why do we put known poisonous chemicals in products and then expose them to our children?

    Do we really need crayons that say “non toxic” on them? What is that supposed to mean? That there are toxic crayons I could buy instead? Sign me up! Think of all the BPA free plastics for kids now too. If BPA causes deathly diseases keep it in that bottle for sure! My baby is only going to be sucking on it. In fact, why don’t you give her a skin transplant of pure parabens and then scrub her till she bleeds with sodium laurel phosphate. Yes!!!!!!!

    This is like a baby Thelma and Louise in car seats!

    August 25, 2011 • 1 year old, Baby Gear, Environmental Impact, Health • Views: 1283

  • Swagger

    I am insanely sick and I want to cry… like a big baby… a big mommy baby…

    But The Munch has some serious swagger to her walk…. and this video brings me so much joy in this time of feeling super sorry for myself…
    munch swagger

    August 12, 2011 • 1 year old, Health, Mommy Mind • Views: 2004