When people complain about weather, or gripe about the miner inconveniences of being outside it really bothers me. I mean who are we to criticize nature? It is not like you hear fleas bitching about dog breath. We should be happy the earth hasn’t bathed us away with toxic chemicals so it could go back to sleeping in the bed with its master. With that being said, I am going to whine about nature because bugs really annoy me.
Bugs! Stop-a… Leave me alone-a…
This is where life gets really unfair. Like having to wait for a video to buffer. You have to deal with a gagillion months of winter, and then as soon as it starts to get nice out, all the bugs come out. Now it would be fine if it were just butterflies, they have those nice wings and give out kisses, but the black flies have got to go.
If you don’t live in an area that has black flies let me explain them to you. They are black and they fly. I believe they hatched from the bowel movements of Satan, and they buzz around your face and often land in your eyeball becoming stuck in the moisture of your eye juice. You can feel them bite you with their wicked bug teeth that they never brush, and I guarantee you will itch that spot until it bleeds.
Bugs are attracted to clean people because they like the floral scent of shampoos, which is why I stopped using soap of all forms relying on my natural scent to camouflage myself with the farm animals. I also spend an ample amount of time swatting, swiping, swinging, and flailing my arms to try and get them away from me. I end up looking like I am part of an avant garde modern dance on pedestrian and extreme movement analysis… boy am I sophisticated.
The Munch on the other hand isn’t annoyed by bugs at all. She just looks at them. I guess for her it is like a Led Zeppelin laser lights show. They just fly around her face tripping her out. Maybe because she is so one with the universe they never bite her. Or maybe she is communicating with them telepathically, letting them know I am the one to go after to get me back for when she rolled off the couch. Point is she seems to have befriended the black flies, except for the one who flew in her mouth. Maybe she insulted that one, or went after her boyfriend. You know how flies get….