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Musings
Category

  • I Miss Her While She is Sleeping

    I am experiencing a serious paradox. I am with my baby all day, and at times, want to do other things. It is not like I have to entertain her every second, but it is hard to get uninterrupted time to just focus on something. Especially if you are doing anything mental, like reading, writing, or working… having time to get into the zone is pivotal.

    So the times I have to sit and really focus are when she is either sleeping, or someone else is watching her.

    This is the problem. Even though I know I want and need time without her, I miss her. It is hard not to think of her. If anyone is watching her, I am always in the house too. I can still hear everything. Every fuss or whine makes me want to jump of and intervene to make everything okay. And if I hear her being cute, I still want to jump up and watch everything being okay.

    I remember once while hanging out with a friend who had a baby, she mentioned how she missed her little girl. I have to admit I totally rolled my eyes thinking she should appreciate the time to do her own thing. She was with her damn kid all the time, why does she have to think about her now?

    Serves me right for being such a judgmental jerk! What was my problem?

    I guess it was hard for me to understand the intensity of the biological bond that connects a mother with her child. My brain has completely rewired to think about this baby all day and all night. It makes perfect sense, because without this strong bond, how would humans ever survive? It is not like we are like turtles and just lay eggs and take off. “Good luck to you guys… hope you make it to the water before you get eaten or some fuck head human steps on you.”

    So even though I am still trying to give myself an hour or two to write every few days, I am obviously still obsessed with my baby considering I am not only thinking about her, but writing about her too ;o)

    January 21, 2011 • 3rd month, Mommy Mind, Musings • Views: 4100

  • I Wish There Was an On/Off Button For My Brain

    As a new mom, sleep is a huge issue. The advice I keep getting is to “sleep while the baby sleeps.” Okay, that is good advice. But I have never been the best napper, and often want to do things when the baby sleeps. So it is a hard decision for me when I put her down. Do I try to do something, or do I try and sleep?

    This is my issue with the napping. I cannot just fall asleep within minutes like she can. It takes me a while to shut my brain down. Often times I bring the conflict of “should I nap or not” into my napping session, which only makes falling asleep harder.

    The worst thing that happens is that by the time I finally do fall asleep, she wakes up! Then I am all groggy from just waking up, and she is up and ready to go. It is almost worse than not sleeping at all. And then I feel guilty for not having done something else, if I wasn’t going to get a good nap in anyway.

    I wish I had a button I could just press to turn my brain off so I could insta-nap. Or a big giant adult size nipple that would put me asleep like it does her. Then I wouldn’t have to stress out about whether or not I should be napping, and I would get the optimum naptime in.

    I haven’t quite figured out the solution to this problem. Maybe I just have to really commit to my nap. Not feel pressured to do anything else, and just do it. Maybe laying with my eyes closed even though I don’t always fall right asleep is good too in some respects?

    January 21, 2011 • 3rd month, Mommy Mind, Musings, Sleeping • Views: 1681

  • We Are All Just Animals

    Having a baby has really exposed me to the most primal understanding of being human. From the birth, to the breastfeeding, to the baby bodily fluids that coat your skin (and you of course ignore, or rub in like its moisturizer)… this whole experience has opened my eyes to see how I am actually a part of the animal kingdom, and not just a distant observer from the Discovery Channel.

    Yes, there are many attributes that distinguish us from other mammals, those are obvious…. But being around this baby is making me realize the subtleties of our similarities.

    Think about how a baby thinks. She doesn’t have any language, or true comprehension of time. She doesn’t have any shame, or awareness of social convention. She is an observer. Of course, she has emotions, and can react to her surroundings, but so do animals. Is it possible that the nature of thought for our cats and dogs, is much like the nature of how our babies think? In pictures? With the whispering of memories coming in and out of our consciousness, but mostly just watching what is going on?

    Or their relationship to their bodies. Have you ever been to the circus, or a zoo, or a farm, and just watched the animals inadvertently shit. Not a care in the world. Not concerned about where it happened. Not running to a secluded spot. Just plop plop plop. Babies are the same way. Not just with their poo, but their pee, their vomit, anything. They just let it all out when the sensation arises. It is like they are totally one with their bodies because there is no suppression. A baby is not going to hold in their fart to spare themselves the embarrassment. They just let it rip! Isn’t there such freedom in that? Not that I am suggesting that adult humans should just crap where ever they please, but there is something to be said for having a bodily need, and just satisfying it without thought.

    I guess the reality of dealing with someone else’s bodily functions and secretions all day will make you ponder such things as the body, how it works, and how everything that is alive has the same processes to deal with. How we are all one, and that as parents, we can connect to our understanding of animals as we try our best to intuit the needs of our babies. Neither species can talk, and both will pee in your face if you’re close enough. So why not honor animals like we do our mini humans? Maybe it is my responsibility to become an animal rights activist. Maybe it is yours too! Maybe I should go back to being a vegan because what is the difference between eating a cow taking a bite out of my baby’s thigh?

    Of course, I am writing this with barf that smells like breast-milk coating my sweatshirt sleeve, and pee stained jeans from when it took me to long to replace a diaper… so you can only take me so seriously anyway.

    January 6, 2011 • 1st Month, Musings • Views: 1132

  • Thinking Too Much About You, Will Make You Miserable

    Thinking about yourself is the root of all misery. I know this from personal experience. I have spent a lot of time thinking about myself. I would in fact, spend most every moment, of every day, thinking about me. Even if I was thinking about someone else, I was thinking about how they were affecting… me. Me. Me. Me.

    Take a second to think about what you think about. Really try and recall what that voice in your head is actually saying to you. Chances are that it is not that positive… not that productive… and not serving you. I feel like our inner monologues are the cause of much internal suffering with the blah blah blahing that clouds our thoughts. “Am I too fat? Am I good enough? Does he like me? Why doesn’t he like me? What should I wear? Will I look hot in that? Does my boss hate me? I wish I hadn’t eaten that. I like her boots. I would like lame in boots like that. I should work harder. I work too much. Will I ever succeed?” It’s exhausting how our minds torture us.

    In so many ways, I feel like so much of what we do is an attempt to distract ourselves from ourselves. To not be haunted by the you inside of you. Work, exorcize, sex, tv, reading, drinking, drugs… is all an attempt to escape.

    Maybe that is why falling in love can be so intoxicating. For a short period of time, you think about something other than yourself. The thought of that person totally consumes you and it is as if you can’t think of anything other than them. In a way, the impulse to find love, is the same that inspires us to get puppies. Yes… I do believe that is true. Falling in love with a man is totally like getting a puppy. But hopefully, a man won’t shit on your living room rug. At least more than once.

    When we get a puppy (or any animal), we bring home a being that is totally dependent, totally adorable, and utterly loveable. The responsibility of having a pet creates a dynamic that enables you to care for another being other than yourself. It takes you out of the mundane misery of thinking about you all day. You now can think of your sweet little creature and have peace in those moments.

    So in a way, having a baby is like bringing home a puppy and falling in love at the same time! I have been so zenned out since having her because I have had zero time to think about me and all my dumb problems and insecurities! I am fully aware that I if I come to use her as too much of a distraction that will totally backfire in my face… but I am definitely enjoying the beauty of thinking about her all day.

    December 18, 2010 • 1st Month, Mommy Mind, Musings • Views: 6699

  • Where Do Babies Come From??

    Technically, I know where babies come from. Sort of. I mean, I have a vague idea of what happens from 8th grade science class, and diagrams on the internet of a tadpole like creatures turning into a baby. You know… if you think about it from an evolutionary standpoint (assuming you believe in that sort of thing) the human gestation period mimics the evolution of life on the planet. A primitive single cell organism (sperm) that develops into an amphibian with a tail, and then eventually a mammal. Crazy town!

    So yes, there is a rational, scientific explanation of where babies come from… but that does not satisfy my genuine intrigue of how this all happens. There is such magic and mystery to how one day you are suddenly hosting a life… a life that develops completely without any conscious effort. It is not like you sit around being like “okay body, now its time to create the ears.” All this happens without any deliberate effort on your part. You just have to do is ride the wave of the experience.

    Having a baby connects you to questioning the impetus of life, period. Life as meta concept. How was life created? How do you get from life not existing, to suddenly just being? Is life eternal? Has it always existed? If so, has the baby always existed? If yes, then where? Another dimension? What is that spark? The initiation that creates life? I feel now more than ever the vast unanswerable wonderment of it all.

    I was once watching the discovery channel, and it was talking about how all the building blocks of life, the hard elements that comprise every living being on the planet, are the same as the insides of stars. So the theory was that the implosion of stars, and the stardust falling to the earth, was what ignited life to be possible. Isn’t that the most breathtaking thing you have ever heard? That we are children from the stars!

    When I look at this newborn baby, I think I can totally see that, because she does kinda look like an alien ;o)

    December 3, 2010 • 1st Month, Musings • Views: 1294

  • What Do Babies Dream About?

    Newborn babies sleep a shit ton. This baby of mine, I swear on everything holy, sleeps about 20-22 hours a day. The rare moments that she has her eyes open, all I want to do is stare into them and interact with her, because that time with her being awake is so rare and precious. Not that I am complaining. It is nice to hold a sleeping content baby all day. It is like the ultimate cuddle session.

    I get that during these endless days of sleep her brain is developing, and her body is growing at astronomical speeds… but I cannot help from wondering… what is she dreaming about all that time??

    I have two theories on this. Either, she is dreaming about past lives, and is working out the karmic debt of all that. Like she is going over all her triumphs and mistakes of being a Native American princess, or Cleopatra, or Ronald Reagan, or something along those lines. Or, she is dreaming of the material that is given to her in her own life experience. Maybe that is why they sleep so peacefully in the beginning? Because the majority of their life was spent sloshing around in the womb? Maybe each day that they live, they are given new visual stimulus to dream about? Maybe that is why sleep becomes more of a challenge, as they grow older? Because there is so much to process with all that they are exposed to?

    If I think that I am providing her with the vocabulary to narrate her dreams, that is not only a whole lot of responsibility, but also a serious honor! It inspires me to imagine brining her to the most beautiful places so her eyes can feast on the buffet that will entertain her while she is off in never never land.

    December 3, 2010 • 1st Month, baby brain, Musings • Views: 1069