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  • The Fart Book

    My sister in law gave me a fart book. I know what you are thinking. You have a sister in law? Oh… sorry… What is a fart book? Right. Well, it is a book not only describing the different varieties of flatulence, but also has sound effects so as to experience the auditory assault. Part of me kind of wishes it was scratch and sniff.

    Needless to say, it is of course The Munch’s favorite book. She spends a good portion of each day pressing the fart noise buttons creating the soundtrack of my life; different remixes of “the exploder”, “the flight of the buttock bees,” “the aftershock,” “the seismic blast,” and “the poof.”

    Usually anything that entertains her I am okay with her doing, so I am a big fan of the fart book. Except when I am on the phone. She will come real close, like a ninja without me noticing, and press the fart button. The sound is unmistakably a fart, and no matter who is on the other end of the call, they never believe it is coming from a fart book. Who in the world has a fart book? So now all my friends, the AT&T operator, the lady trying to get census information, and my uncle all think I have a seriously disturbed digestive system. I am probably going to start spending a lot more time alone now…

    December 9, 2011 • 1 year old, Books, Playing • Views: 732

  • Do You Know What You Want?

    Do you know what you want? Is it easy for you to connect with your inner most desires? Do you ever find yourself confused? Can you say with conviction that you know what you want out of life? Do you ever have doubts… about relationships you are in, career path you have chosen, or if those pants make your butt look fat? Do you think I ask too many questions? Are you mad at me?

    I have a hard time connecting to what I want. From simple things like if I want to eat meat in my diet, to more complex things like if I want to eat sugar. Sometimes I feel more comfortable in situations where people just tell me what to do so I don’t have deal with the responsibility of my own choices. What I want is so overshadowed by how my decisions will effect others that I end up spending my mental energy focusing on how they feel rather than how I do.

    The Munch does not have this problem at all.

    The thing I really have to admire about babies is they know what they want and they will let you know the second they feel it. They don’t care if they are polite about it. They will grunt, point, pull, bit, cry, yell… any means necessary to get what they want. The Munch doesn’t have an existential crisis asking me for my food. She just points, pulls at my pants, and makes the most annoying noise ever uttered by a living being until I give it to her.

    So recently she is really into this book called “Hug Me.” It is the lamest book ever written, but I have to read it to her 76,896,553 times a day. Exactly.

    I decided to go to the bookstore and get some other books that might interest her so at least I would no longer be suicidal. We got home, and I surround her with her new books and you know what she did? She found “Hug Me” grunted in my face, and hit me in the face with it until I read it to her.

    Gotta give it to her… she knows what she wants.

    “Ummm these books are great and all, but where the fuck is “Hug Me?”

    This mom looks like such a dork… and I want to punch that dad in the throat

    Why does grandpa have a child molester mustache?

    October 11, 2011 • 1 year old, Baby Brain, Behavior, Books, Education, Musings • Views: 280

  • Do It Again!

    Think of something that you really really like… is there a limit to how many times you want that thing to happen? Okay fine, if you are a guy, you have to wait a half an hour before it can happen again, but do you find as an adult you are emotionally prepared to let good time be just that? You don’t have to repeat it again and again and again and again and again and again…

    This is the problem with kids. You do something they enjoy or think is funny and they want you to do it again. You would think it wouldn’t be as humorous the 27th time I made the stuffed bear sneeze into the dolly’s face… but it is…

    The Munch either lives in a time warp of extra dimensions where everything is happening both simultaneously and continuously in infinite space, or she has the memory of a goldfish. I feel like I am living in the Twilight Zone because her reaction of joy never seems to diminish no matter how many times I repeat the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over…

    Now this is where things get kind of twisted…

    The Munch is REALY into reading books right now. Let me rephrase, she is really into ME reading books to her. Okay. Theoretically this is great right? It is a sign of intelligence that she will sit down and let me read to her for an extended period. That or she is smoking weed behind my back and wishing I would just let her watch TV already.

    But this is my problem. Baby books are about as exciting as waiting in line at the DMV. Sometimes I feel like if I have to make another freakn’ animal noise I am going to shove a fork through my nose and into my brain to give myself a lobotomy.

    I tried to explain to her “Look Munch… it really isn’t going to get you anywhere in life to know that a pig goes ‘oink’ or what color the ducky is. For all we know what you see as yellow is what I see as green, you dig? You see how colors don’t really matter? Besides, when you grow up you will have the internet implanted into your brain. Why don’t we just take a break from reading this and go play in the toilette for a bit?”

    But no… If I stop reading before she is ready it is as if I scraped her soul with the broken shards of unicorn horns she is so distraught.

    So I started hiding some of her books.

    I know… I know… it is wrong of me…. And besides, she is so sneaky she found them anyway….

    “Okay Munch… that is a Tiger… not that it matters to you because they will all be extinct soon anyway…”

    October 5, 2011 • 1 year old, Baby Brain, Behavior, Books, Education, Parenting, Playing • Views: 295

  • The Happiest Baby on the Block

    Even if you have been around babies before, newborns are an entirely different species. They have these floppy heads, they make faces that have absolutely no correlation to any emotion, they have no control of their arms and legs that just flail about… in short… they are not really humans yet. It is like they are little exposed embryos.

    I decided maybe I would try to read up on these mysterious beings, and came across a book called “The Happiest Baby on the Block.” What an enticing title right? Who doesn’t want the happiest baby on the block? Because that is not just a happy baby… but the happiest. Like no other baby will have more joy in their hearts than your baby. If you read this book, your baby’s happiness will crush all the other babies and you will win! Sounds awesome… I am sold!

    The book talks about how the first three months of life for a baby are really like the 4th trimester. Meaning, in order for the baby to feel at peace, you have to re-create the womb as much as possible. The author suggests 5 strategies to make your little snuggle bunny feel like they are still stuffed up your vagina.

    1) Shhhhh(ing): The sound of shhhhhh is not just something you say just to get someone to shut the hell up. It is also a noise that soothes babies like you wouldn’t believe. Supposedly… it mimics the noise the baby heard in the womb of blood rushing around all the veins and arteries and the like. And not just a soft shhhhh noise either…. But a pretty hearty SHHHHHHHH. I am telling you, this works like a charm.
    2) Swaddling: Basically this means that you take a blanket, and wrap your baby up like a baby burrito. Newborns have a reflex called the “moroe reflex” that shoots their arms out
    3) Swinging: Really… it is more of a jiggling… but I think the author was sticking to the whole S theme. Babies were jiggled around in your belly the whole time they were in there, and that movement totally soothes them. Crazy town right? You don’t want to be still for them to at peace… you want to jiggle them! Sometimes I would put her on my lap facing me, and just bounce my legs like I was super nervous, and she would go right to sleep.
    4) Side-laying: This one wasn’t that important for me, but a lot of babies like to lay on their side when in your arms. The book talks about facing the babies out, but I always faced my baby in towards me and it was more of a side tilt.
    5) Sucking: I know there are all sorts of conversations regarding the pacifier… my baby never took one. I tried, and she just spat that shit right out like she thought I was trying to fuck with her. So she is all about sucking on my nip. But the sucking, whether they are hungry or not, will soothe them. They somehow can figure out how to suck to get food, or just suck to suck… you can actually feel the difference.

    This advice has helped me so much I cannot even tell you. I have yet to have more than a few minutes with my baby crying because of these great tools. Now, I totally know that every baby is different, and some are more sensitive, then others… but I am just saying that this really helped me and it is totally worth trying!

    January 4, 2011 • 1st Month, Books, Parenting • Views: 365

  • Parenting 101

    In order to be good at anything in life, you need at least 1 of two things; experience or education. Sure, innate talent factors into the intensity of potential excellence, but I am talking about even being decent at something.

    Think about it… would you see a dentist who just woke up one day and said “Hey I am a dentist now. Open up and lemme see those teeth of yours.” Hell no you wouldn’t! You would want that guy to have gone to dentist school, and to have dentist-ed on a bunch of other motherfuckers before they are even think of drilling into your mouth.

    Or a cab driver? Would you just get into the back of the car with someone who has never driven before? They were just like “Hey, I am a new driver…. First time behind the wheel. But I figure I will just do the best I can.”

    Would you even let someone cut your hair that has never cut hair before? Probably not… and your hair grows back!

    I got thinking about this last night, because it suddenly felt so crazy that you could be a parent without any experience or any education… and you are raising a human being!!! It is probably the most profound thing you could ever do… with so many potential ways to fuck up, and there is no certificate you need to earn to do it. This person’s life is totally in your hands, and there is absolutely no prerequisite besides knowing how to fuck.

    Even if you were to adopt a child… it took Sandra Bullock 4 years to adopt her son and she is a gagillionaire! And she seems wicked nice! There is way more scrutiny for a person that wants to help an already living being than for those who intentionally, or haphazardly create one.

    I am not saying I have a solution for this. It is not like you could or should require people to have at least 2,000 hours in the field, plus a Masters, in order to procreate. But I will say, for those that are lucky enough to have had a baby, it is your responsibility to do the best you can to educate yourself while you can the experience.

    Sure we all have our instincts and intuition, and those should be paid attention to and honored… I am a huge fan of intuition. I totally believe in it, and feel it all the time! I am like an intuition-phile. I loves it so and will probably write about how relevant it is too. I am in no way am advocating that everything you need to know about parenting can be learnt in book, or taught in a class, but I still think there is a lot of information and help out there to guide us through the process.

    December 19, 2010 • 1st Month, Books, Parenting • Views: 351