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3rd month

  • Sex and Death On a Sunday Afternoon

    I am pretty sure I just became public enemy #1 in The Munch’s pre-school.  The things she may tell her little friends come Monday morning are guaranteed to get me crucified.  It all started on a Sunday afternoon. The day seemed peaceful until The Munch started asking me questions about life and death.

    Munch: Mamma, are you going to die?

    Toni: Yes I am….

    Munch: BUT NO!! I don’t want you to die!

    Toni: I have to die Munch.  It is a part of life.

    Munch: But I will be so sad!!! I DON’T WANT YOU TO GO AWAY EVER!

    Toni: Well, I probably won’t die until I am old.

    Munch: Are you old now?

    Toni: I am young at heart.

    Munch: When will you be old?

    Toni: When you are all grown up.

    Munch: Then you will be old and die?

    Toni: Yeah…

    Munch: NO! I want you to stay with me forever!

    Toni: Well, my heart will stay with you forever.

    About an hour later…

    Munch: Do all boys have a penis?

    Toni: Yes Munch, all boys have penises.

    Munch: Not every boy right? Just some boys?

    Toni: Nope. All boys have penises.

    Munch: But girls don’t have penises?

    Toni: No, girls have vaginas.

    Munch: But what are vaginas for?

    Toni:  Vaginas are for making babies.  That is where the baby comes out of when it is born.

    Munch: It does? I thought I came out of your back!

    Toni:  You thought you came out of my back?

    Munch: I sure did!  So does that mean little teeny tiny babies have to crawl into vaginas so they can grow in the mommy’s tummy and then come out the vagina and be born?

    Toni: Kinda.

    Munch: But I didn’t crawl into your vagina.  I don’t remember that at all.

    Toni:  Well you sort of did.

    Munch: Wait, so how did I get in your tummy?

    Toni:  Ummm… so daddies have little tadpoles that live inside their penis.  They are really small.  And when the tadpoles swim inside the mommy, a baby gets made.

    Munch: But how do the tadpoles get inside the mommy?

    Munch: Uhhhhh, the daddies put their penis in the mommy’s vagina, and the tadpoles swim out…

    Munch: That is so funny!!!!!!

    Toni: I know!

    Munch: So is that how my cousin Calvin was made? Did his daddy put his penis in his mommy’s vagina so the tadpoles could swim up inside his mommy’s tummy?

    Toni: That sure did happen!

    Munch: Did Elliot’s mommy and daddy to that too?

    Toni:  Yes.

    Munch: And Ryhs?

    Toni: Everyone who was ever born, that is what happened.

    Munch: But how do the tadpoles make the baby inside the mommy?

    Toni:  The tadpoles are actually called sperm.

    Munch: SPERM!?

    Toni:  Yes.

    Munch: I never heard that word before.  That word is so funny!!!

    Toni:  It is hilarious actually.

    Munch: So what does the sperm do?

    Toni:  Inside the mommy, she has a special baby egg which lives inside her baby sack.  So the sperm has to swim inside the baby sack, and then it meets the egg.  The egg and the sperm join together to form a little teeny tiny tiny tiny baby.

    Munch: A baby that is this big?

    Toni:  Exactly.  And that teeny tiny baby lives in the mommy’s baby sack until it is ready to be born.

    Munch: And then the baby is born and eats from the mommy’s nanas.

    Toni:  Yup! That is pretty much it.

    Munch: That is so silly mom.

    Toni:  It sure is.

    Yeah I could have lied to her about this stuff.  It is not like I have a huge moral problem with lying.  I lie to Munch all the time about toy stores being closed, or that the chocolate bar I don’t feel like sharing is made of dog poop.  There are all sorts of reasons that we lie to each other that feel legitimate in the moment.  Most often people lie because they don’t want to deal with the other person’s reaction to the truth.  It is not that we want to conceal things, as much as we don’t want to deal with how people respond.

    I think that is exactly why I decided to be honest. I felt like Munch wouldn’t be asking if she couldn’t handle it – so I wasn’t afraid of being upfront. Dealing with mortality is a huge part of existence, and the more you are aware of it, the more you honor the life we are given.  Of course one can feel paralyzed by the thought of death, but we all have those moments.  The important lesson is to appreciate life even though it may all seem futile because of our inevitable and ultimate demise.  Even though I know The Munch doesn’t want to conceptualize me dying, I also felt it was meaningful to face the reality of it.

    There is a certain irony that the penis conversation came up this same day -pun intended! Pontificating on the penis turned into an explanation of sex and baby making because of the questions Munch was asking.  Maybe I could have avoided it, but hey, if we are going to look into the barrel of death, we might as well stare into the tunnel of life.

    (Pretty sure that if Munch talks about all this at school to her little friends there is going to be a public lynching… Guess what Timmy, not only is your mom gonna die, but your dad put his penis in her vagina so his sperm could become one with her egg… )



  • My Life is Like One Long Day

    I used to know what day it was everyday. There used to be a difference between my days. Each “day” was separated by a night. During this “night” I slept, which helped me to distinguish between one day and the next. When I “woke up” for the day, it meant I was not going to sleep again until that night, further enforcing the idea of “day time.” During these “waking hours” I did stuff. That stuff differed according to what “day” it was. Those “days” came in sets of 5 to create the “work week” which then was rewarded by the “weekend.”

    Now my life seems just like one long, giant, extended day.

    Because I wake up every two hours during the night to feed her, the night is no longer perceived as one chunk of time, but rather broken up pieces of the day I just lived. Because my sleep is so irregular, I find my self “sleeping when the baby sleeps” and napping more during the day. Since neither during the day or night I sleep more than 2 hours in a row, I just feel like I am always in a haze of just waking up, or trying to fall back asleep.

    Because my current “job” is to take care of my baby, there is no more weekday or weekend. There is just the 24-hour a day responsibility of being a mom. Yes, this is much more enjoyable and emotionally enriching than “working,” but there is no off time. No coffee break. No Columbus Day off type of thing.

    Although there are no days off from being a mom… and the only thing that distinguishes yesterday from today is the fact that other people insist upon it… In my world of life beyond time, I am having one amazing day.

    (Doesn’t it look like she is saying “Wait… give me a minute…” Ha! Like she knows what a minute is)

    January 24, 2011 • 3rd month, Mommy Mind, Musings • Views: 618

  • My ULTIMATE Obsession

    I have an obsession. I am not talking about your Calvin Klein kid shit… I am talking about a serious, pathological obsession. The kind of obsession that deserves a reality TV series. An obsession so consuming, so relentless, so intense that I am ruled by it.

    And that obsession is with buggers. The buggers in my baby’s nose that haunt me.

    You see, your baby spends most of their day laying down right? And when someone is lying down, you can see up their nose. Pretty simple concept I know. But when I see up my baby’s nose, and I see a bugger, all I want to do is get it.

    Now, there is a problem. Her nostril, is infinitely smaller than my fingers. I can’t get my finger up her tiny baby nose. And I can’t look at her with buggers in her face. I just can’t.

    Does she give a care? No. Not at all. She is perfectly happy with buggers dangling like a chandelier. Why does it bother me so much? Because I have to look at them. I want to free her nose of these buggers as much as I want to Free Tibet.

    So, what do I do you ask? First, I tried using her finger. Although her finger does fit up her nose quite nicely, it is hard to manipulate it because she doesn’t want to put her finger in her nose. If by miraculous coordination I do get her finger in there, she has no idea why her finger is in her nose, and does not make the necessary motion to dig the bugger out.

    Idea number 2… Push her nose up in a pig position, and try to smoosh the bugger out. She is not a fan of this strategy. She gets increasingly annoyed at me.

    Idea number 3…Grow my pinky nail. Maybe my pinky nail might be just small enough to fit. And you know what? It worked! Okay, fine, now I look like a cokehead mom, which is suspect, but I can really get in there to dig one right out.

    I can’t say she enjoys that I do this to her. Sometimes she will turn her head back and forth and resist. Moments like that, I jut have to breathe and let it go. A true test of love and will. But if I persist, and pick just the right moment when she is feeling calm, I can get my nail up there and pick the hell out that nose! It is a satisfaction worthy of a prize.

    January 23, 2011 • 3rd month, Baby Body, Mommy Mind, Musings • Views: 1102

  • The BEST Idea I EVER Had

    A couple of years ago I had an idea. An idea that I thought so brilliant… so profound… so worth of sharing that I had to make a video depicting my fantasy of it.

    What is this idea you must be asking yourself! What could possibly warrant an introduction of such self-gratifying language?

    And that idea my friends… is Human Cheese.

    I was traveling cross-country, making my way through Oregon when my friends and I decided to stop at the Tilamook Cheese Factory. Why did we do this? Not because we were high… (exclusively) but because it was there! And that is just what you do.

    At the cheese factory, which as you may be able to imagine was quite disturbing, I started thinking of why we eat cow cheese. Who was the first person that came up with that idea? “Yes, I am going to take this liquid from a cow’s tit, cook it, curdle it, make it nice and chunky, and turn it into hard mold. And then I am going to eat it!”

    And why cow cheese? We as humans have a history of sucking on human boobs, not cow boobs. Who was that guy who looked at a baby cow nursing his mom and said to himself “Now that’s a good idea!” How did this catch on? How did we start manufacturing cow dairy? Why not human dairy?

    Since I made this video, my friends and family have sent me an alarming number of articles on the subject. I guess I am not the only genius who came up with this thought. Sigh. (see example below)

    But… I am the only smart ass who made an awesome video about it. Check it!

    January 22, 2011 • 3rd month, Breast Feeding, Environmental Impact, Mommy Body, Mommy Mind, Musings • Views: 262

  • I Miss Her While She is Sleeping

    I am experiencing a serious paradox. I am with my baby all day, and at times, want to do other things. It is not like I have to entertain her every second, but it is hard to get uninterrupted time to just focus on something. Especially if you are doing anything mental, like reading, writing, or working… having time to get into the zone is pivotal.

    So the times I have to sit and really focus are when she is either sleeping, or someone else is watching her.

    This is the problem. Even though I know I want and need time without her, I miss her. It is hard not to think of her. If anyone is watching her, I am always in the house too. I can still hear everything. Every fuss or whine makes me want to jump of and intervene to make everything okay. And if I hear her being cute, I still want to jump up and watch everything being okay.

    I remember once while hanging out with a friend who had a baby, she mentioned how she missed her little girl. I have to admit I totally rolled my eyes thinking she should appreciate the time to do her own thing. She was with her damn kid all the time, why does she have to think about her now?

    Serves me right for being such a judgmental jerk! What was my problem?

    I guess it was hard for me to understand the intensity of the biological bond that connects a mother with her child. My brain has completely rewired to think about this baby all day and all night. It makes perfect sense, because without this strong bond, how would humans ever survive? It is not like we are like turtles and just lay eggs and take off. “Good luck to you guys… hope you make it to the water before you get eaten or some fuck head human steps on you.”

    So even though I am still trying to give myself an hour or two to write every few days, I am obviously still obsessed with my baby considering I am not only thinking about her, but writing about her too ;o)

    January 21, 2011 • 3rd month, Mommy Mind, Musings • Views: 951

  • I Wish There Was an On/Off Button For My Brain

    As a new mom, sleep is a huge issue. The advice I keep getting is to “sleep while the baby sleeps.” Okay, that is good advice. But I have never been the best napper, and often want to do things when the baby sleeps. So it is a hard decision for me when I put her down. Do I try to do something, or do I try and sleep?

    This is my issue with the napping. I cannot just fall asleep within minutes like she can. It takes me a while to shut my brain down. Often times I bring the conflict of “should I nap or not” into my napping session, which only makes falling asleep harder.

    The worst thing that happens is that by the time I finally do fall asleep, she wakes up! Then I am all groggy from just waking up, and she is up and ready to go. It is almost worse than not sleeping at all. And then I feel guilty for not having done something else, if I wasn’t going to get a good nap in anyway.

    I wish I had a button I could just press to turn my brain off so I could insta-nap. Or a big giant adult size nipple that would put me asleep like it does her. Then I wouldn’t have to stress out about whether or not I should be napping, and I would get the optimum naptime in.

    I haven’t quite figured out the solution to this problem. Maybe I just have to really commit to my nap. Not feel pressured to do anything else, and just do it. Maybe laying with my eyes closed even though I don’t always fall right asleep is good too in some respects?

    January 21, 2011 • 3rd month, Mommy Mind, Musings, Sleeping • Views: 393

  • Diaper Dilemma

    I consider myself to be a conscious consumer. Meaning, I try to consider the larger impact of purchases I make. How does this effect the environment? Where is this made? Who made this? Did some baby in the developing world make this for my baby?

    As such, the idea of diapers really stresses me out. All the crazy statistics about billions of diapers…. 27.4 BILLION diapers are used EACH YEAR in the US, resulting in 3.4 million TONS ending up in landfills EACH YEAR. That is a staggering statistic.

    So originally, I thought I would use cloth diapers. But I haven’t gotten my act together yet to make that happen. There is no excuse. I just haven’t.

    This is the problem. Huggies are amazing. They are the best diapers ever. They do not leak. They really contain poo.

    How do I reconcile this contradiction?

    So this is what I have done so far. I use 7th generation during the day, and Huggies at night. She no longer poos during the night, so if I put her in Huggies, I don’t have to change her, which helps us both sleep better. Yeah, she has about 3 pounds of pee in the morning, but she has yet to get any diaper rash or problem because of it.

    I am also looking into GDiapers, which you can get at diapers.com. They have 100% biodegradable refill backs and are really cute cloth diapers. Now that older, she is pooing less during the day too, so it seems a little more manageable to make this happen.

    My point is that you don’t have to be a purist to do your part. Just do the best you can, and try and make some effort.

    January 21, 2011 • 3rd month, Baby Body, Baby Gear, Baby Products, Environmental Impact • Views: 423

  • Baby Head

    I used to have shit to say. I used to be the type of person who dominated conversations. I used to have a lot on my mind. I used to feel sharp. I used to have ideas. No longer. I feel like my mind is coated with molasses, and the effort to think about anything beyond my microcosm of a world seems as difficult as climbing Mt. Everest in Birkenstocks.

    Firstly, the only thing I think about is my baby. It is not that I don’t want to think about other things. I just can’t seem to hold on to any other thought long enough for it to formulate into something worth sharing. It is like my brain is playing hide and seek with me, but I am still counting to 100. I try and talk on the phone to people, and unless they want to exclusively hear about how many shits my baby took that day, they are shit out of luck.

    Second, breastfeeding makes me seriously spacey. I guess, when you are breastfeeding, your brains produces a hormone called Prolactin, which is designed to calm both you and the baby down. I have to say, nature was pretty smart when doing this because the baby gets all nice and sleepy, and you (the mommy) enter into a state of zen. It is like biology’s way of slowing you down so you are living life more at the baby’s pace.

    Conceptually I dig this. I do not think I should make my baby exist in my usual state of perpetual and potentially manic chaos. But I feel kind of like I am high all the time. Not high like just smoked a joint high… more that high of after you have been high for a while, ate a salami sandwich, and are looking for a movie to watch type of high

    Lastly, I think the erratic sleeping is also contributing to my brain becoming the consistency of melted ice cream. I have yet to sleep more than 2 hours in a row for months, and I would be lying if I didn’t say that has got to be affecting my mental cognition.

    For instance, this week I have…
    1) Forgot my social security number
    2) Left the house and went to the store with no shoes on
    3) Forgot my phone number
    4) Put my computer in refrigerator
    5) Thought it was a good idea to eat cake for breakfast
    6) Genuinely asked my dog to watch the baby for a minute

    January 21, 2011 • 3rd month, Mommy Mind • Views: 322

  • The Moby Wrap (Baby Carrier)

    I am a big believer in taking walks with the baby. It is one of those activities that is pretty much a guaranteed good time. She either sleeps the whole time, or she has fun looking around at the world. It is of course amazing for me, because I get to be outside, don’t have to worry about entertaining her, and have some time to talk on the phone or listen to music.

    The key to a happy walking situation is your carrier. My favorite is the “Moby Wrap.” http://www.mobywrap.com/

    The Moby Wrap is amazing because it is super comfortable for you (mommy) and is really cozy for baby. It is kind of like a kangaroo pouch. If your baby is sleepy, chances are they will fall right asleep and stay that way. If your baby wakes up, and wants to look around, you can either untuck their heads, or take them out, and face them to the front.

    The Moby Wrap is also really convenient for those of you that have to deal with seasons. Like the winter. Because the baby’s limbs are contained within the fabric, it is an extra layer to keep them warm. Also, because they are basically flattened to your belly, I find that I can wear a big sweatshirt, and then a big coat over the baby still in the wrap. (Stuff you would wear while preggo). So if I put her in a snowsuit, and then have my clothing over her too, I don’t have to worry about it being 20 degrees outside.

    Lastly, the way the baby is positioned in the Moby is like they are hugging you. It is the best feeling, because babies don’t really hug. You can hug them, but they seem down with the whole hugging back yet. So having them in the Moby makes you feel super loved :o)

    PS I found this video to be the best for Moby instructions

    January 20, 2011 • 3rd month, Baby Gear, Baby Products, Mommy Body • Views: 295