I am kind of a sucker.  Or lets put it this way.  I am very forgiving. It takes a lot for me to cut someone out of my life.  So much so, that I don’t think I have ever truly done that.  I may be less close to someone, but I will always give them the time of day if they ask for it, or help them if they need it.

I have been cheated on, lied to, robbed, betrayed, psychically raped… but I don’t really hold any longstanding grudges.  I mean of course I got upset, and confronted people, but if they wanted to discuss their motivations I was open to hearing them.  The only people that aren’t in my life are the ones who refused to face me and ran away instead.  But honestly, that was their choice not mine.  If they had been willing to apologize and analyze why they did what they did, I would have maintained some sort of relationship.

I guess my heart is just kind of soft and squishy.  I assume the best in people, choose to trust more than doubt, and believe everyone is capable of change.  Once I allow someone in, it is hard to totally shut the door.  But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt when people disappoint me.

In my 20’s I thought a lot about who I was and the events that had shaped me.  In a way I felt naïve, and should have followed my gut instincts more about people.  But at the same time all the hardships I went through also made me a stronger person, and I was grateful for those teachings even if they were painful.  I felt like I was at this crossroads – either to change become more guarded, or to keep going as I was and take that risk.

I decided that I didn’t know how to be any other way, but it was probably more sustainable to be cautious of who I gave my heart to.  I still am impulsive at times when it comes to people, but my track record has drastically improved.  Yet even though I can see the benefit in my way of being, I am also terrified that Munch will be the same way.

The Munch is not a mean girl.  She doesn’t want to exclude people, and seems to really care how others are feeling.  So far, she seems to exhibit a lot of the same traits as me, and although I know that means she will be a good friend, she is also going to get stomped on by life.  I almost weep for her future, and wish she had a little more edge to her.  It is not going to be an easy road for her, and she is going to get taken advantage of.

The Munch’s little sensitive being is going to get kicked in the soul genitals, and I hope that I can be a comforting source in those moments.  Because when you give a shit about people, then you are in for a lifetime of managing the hurt people inevitably cause.  Maybe I need to send Munch to “sensitive human boot camp” to toughen her up a bit and better prepare her for the world? Like where people give her cookies, and then take them away to eat in front of her face… Or they take her babies and poop on their faces or something.  I mean I am just brainstorming here, but I think I am onto something.