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9-12 months
Category

  • My Worst Fear Ever Has Come True!

    My worst nightmare has come true. Something I knew might happen some day, but I blocked it out of my mind feigning ignorance like a racist grandpa. But now that it has happened, I feel like I’m in that movie Jurassic Park when they realized the Velociraptors could open doors. What is that you say? Why the obscure reference? Perhaps because I watched Jurassic Park too many times one afternoon on pot brownies… but when they realized they were no longer safe in the kitchen because those dinosaurs could open doors with their dinosaur claws I was so scared I made a brownie in my underpants.

    So what is going on you may be wondering…

    The Munch has figured out how to take off her diaper.

    If you are not familiar with the functionality of a diaper, let me refresh you. A diaper, holds shit and piss… but since it comes out of a baby lets call is poopie and pee pee. Unfortunately for your child, you actually want that stuff plastered to your babies skin until you figure out they need to be changed and do it on your own time. Meaning, you don’t want them to realize for themselves “Hey, there is poo in here. I am just going to pull on these tabs here on the side, and whoa… check it out. This thing comes right off. Now… what is that in there? This brown stuff? I think I am going to touch it. Maybe smear it on the floor, and in my hair. This is awesome. I wonder what it tastes like?”

    “Oh wow… I never realized it was so easy to get this thing off! I think I am going to pee on the floor then…”

    July 19, 2011 • 9-12 months, Baby Body, Baby Brain • Views: 3011

  • The Awesome Experience of Accidently Throwing Out Important Sh*t

    Have you ever cleaned up after yourself, and gotten really mad at you for making a mess that you have to clean up? Do you find yourself resenting you for letting it get this bad and then leaving the mess for you to deal with like you are some kind of maid for you? Yeah, I thought so.

    I used to be really anal about keeping a neat house, but then I found out there were other ways of not getting pregnant. Wait… what was that all about? What I meant to say was I have a history of being a neat freak, but lately I have become more lackadaisical about my standards. “You know, I think that sock hanging on the back of that chair really brings out the color of the wall. I am gonna leave it there.”

    Eventually the time came for me to clean up after me, and while it was happening I got bored and started throwing more and more stuff in the trash. Things that don’t even belong in the trash, like hats I didn’t feel like putting away, a fork, an umbrella I kept tripping over, and a pile of mail. Was it mail I had sorted through you may ask? No. Not really. It was just a big heaping pile of mail that I put in the trash.

    Why Toni? Why did you put mail in the trash? Do you think you might possibly regret this?

    I was tired. I was sick of cleaning. The mail had dust on it.

    The next day I get a phone call alerting me that a very important UPS envelope had been mailed to me by mistake that was meant for my mom. Inside were irreplaceable secret documents of the utmost importance. Did I have that UPS envelope?

    “Ummmm I think it is in the trash.”

    “Toni, that is ridiculous. Who throws out unopened mail? I am sure that it is somewhere just look for it.”

    “Okay.”

    Next day

    “Well, Toni…. Did you find it?”

    “Yeah. No. I think it is in the trash…”

    Needless to say, that afternoon was spent going through the trash

    The adorable bugs that guard the trash

    Me searching

    Yay!

    July 18, 2011 • 9-12 months, Adventures • Views: 1354

  • Isn’t Darling… Isn’t it Fabulous?

    Last weekend I went to a wedding where I was reunited with cousins I haven’t seen in a while. While reminiscing about the past, I started to remember how sophisticated these girls were as children. Despite our 7 year age gap, while they were learning their third language and memorizing arias I was watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and roller-skating.

    Okay. I admit it. I don’t have the most sophisticated taste. Sorry Mom and Dad. I think caviar is gnarly and Stilton cheese smells like my armpits. I can’t tell good art from bad art because I am too easily impressed by the effort of making something to have any informed opinion. “Wow, it must have taken you a long time to compile this picture of the Queen of England only using different color variations of vaginas from porno magazines. Impressive!” I am not a fan of furniture and always slip through the cracks of chairs with ottomans. When I go to museums I usually space out and think about if I have eaten too many calories that day. I have been known to gag public, and have more than once been spotted hocking loogies… maybe because I was right next to you, but you should mind your own business and leave me to my phlegm. I don’t understand opera, I only speak American, and at fancy dinner parties I tend to hover over the food table eating more than my share and failing at small talk. “So tell me about your relationship with your father…”

    But I want The Munch to be sophisticated. I want her to rule the world and be fully prepared to mingle with successful people and say sweeping statements like “Isn’t the snow fabulous? If only it were purely decorative so we could recline on the outdoor chaise lounge while sipping Moet.” I think it would be just peachy if she wore lace and satin, spoke with a British accent, and extended her pinky when she sipped tea. I am thinking of starting her Mandarin lessons so she can be fluent by the time she masters the violin at age 5.

    Now if you will excuse me, I simply can’t keep going on like this for we are in a dreadful hurry packing her bags for boarding school in Switzerland. Got to get started early if she wants to graduate from Harvard summa cum laude.

    “Mother darling… where ever do you keep your Tolstoy?”

    July 15, 2011 • 9-12 months, Musings • Views: 769

  • Peeing in the Bath

    Do you pee in the shower? Does it concern you that urine coats your feet when you do? What about while swimming in a pool? Or a lake? How big does the body of water have to be in order for you to comfortably pee, then dunk your head under seconds later? Do you ever worry that you are swimming around in other people’s urine? Have you gone to a water park and thought too hard while coming down the slide, retching at the thought of pee water splashing in your mouth most recently evacuated from the guy in the Speedo with the hairy back?

    Although I would pee in all of the above places, it totally grosses me out to think of other people’s pee, and I would NOT pee in the bath. I do have standards.

    So this is my issue. The Munch and I have this game while she is taking a bath where she likes to put her bath toys in my mouth. This is a fine game, although complex and highly cerebral, if the only substance on the toys is water. But the other night, as The Munch was standing in that bath, I heard the unmistakable tinkle of pee. I couldn’t ignore it. It definitely happened.

    Okay, so am I supposed to take her out of the bath, drain the water and refill it because of a little pee? Of course not! That wouldn’t be very environmentalist of me. So I just let her keep living her life. Then she picked up a recently peed on bath toy, and put it in her mouth. Okay. Fine. Pee is sterile. That is okay. But then it happened. She reached out to put the toy in my mouth. What was I supposed to do? Her expecting eyes and relentless pushing of the toy in my face…. This is our game! What kind of damage would I do if I rejected her? Ummmm…. So… so does anyone have a toothbrush?

    July 14, 2011 • 9-12 months, Baby Body • Views: 1309

  • Belief Systems and Hugging Amma

    There are a wide range of beliefs out there in the world. You can believe in Santa Clause, Jesus, The Devil, Allah, that high heels make your butt look better… People have belief systems of how they should live their lives that impacts their moral code of ethics. We often filter our actions through our belief system to determine our behavior despite the highly personal and subjective experience of forming beliefs. There is often turmoil when people’s beliefs differ even though something doesn’t have to be a fact in order to believe in it. We don’t need concrete proof to believe, because the power of intuition is enough. There is something truly magical, and dangerous about beliefs. Such extremes as people refusing to eat carbs or going on a suicide missions are motivated by what someone believes in.

    I just thought of something. Wouldn’t it be funny to lick someone’s face the first time you meet them, and when they get upset just say…. “oh… you see, licking is part of my belief system. I believe it is the best way to communicate… so…. Yeah.”

    I question my personal beliefs, and the concept of passing beliefs on to my child. Part of me feels like it is indoctrination to force a belief on an impressionable young person. Yes, by living with me I am going to expose her to my beliefs, but does that mean I should lead her to think that everything I believe is true? Would that effect her capacity to come up with her own beliefs? Or if I am too adaptable about my beliefs would that confuse her? Is it better to be rigid even if your children eventually rebel?

    What got me thinking about all this is taking The Munch to hug Amma. From my vast extensive internet research, I have learnt that people have many varying beliefs about her. Some claim she is a saint, others believe her to be an energetic vampire. It is kind of hard for me to believe that someone that goes around hugging people would have bad intentions, but I also believe that deep down Tom and Jerry really loved each other. But despite the critics, there is a whole industry around her including Amma water bottles, hats, and dolls where the proceeds go to her wold wide philanthropy.

    Although I did not feel as if Amma was personally sucking my energy like Count Dracula, I did find the energy of the people at the event to be pushy and aggressive. In kept thinking “uhhhhh… aren’t we all here because we want a hug? Can’t we just simma down a bit and maybe hug each other rather than stomping on my toes to get to your coconut water?” People were literally like “Get the F out of my way! I am trying to get a god damn freaking hug here!” But the actual experience of the embrace felt quite peaceful, not to mention that she is the only human ever to live that has hugged 31 million people! What a unique life experience!

    I guess what I am saying is that maybe I don’t feel concrete enough about anything to tell my child that something is definite. Except for the absolute fact that aliens are living among us and the Royal family is descendents of an evil reptilian species that controls the world through the New World Order and orchestrated the moon landing and 911 because that is so obviously true and reasonable…

    July 13, 2011 • 9-12 months, Adventures, Musings, Political Banter • Views: 1299

  • I Am An Animal

    I have a theory about why mankind is destroying the planet. Okay. Here is goes.

    Francis Bacon is considered the father of empiricism and Western scientific method. In his writings, he talked of the importance of dominating nature. Controlling it. He would even use metaphors of raping the earth. I don’t know about you, but if I had a penis, I wouldn’t rape mother-nature. I would whisper sweet nothings into the grass, slowly caress the trees, and gently lick the ocean. Ohhhh yeahhhhh. Now that is what I am talking about.

    It is not only profound, but telling that someone so influential in western scientific thought had such aggressive beliefs on how man and nature should interact. It wasn’t about cooperation and appreciation, but conquering. Part of me understands why men had once felt the pressure to dominate nature, because they were responsible for fighting off saber tooth tigers, wrestling wooly mammoths, and building shelter to protect their families from the elements. That is a lot of pressure, and I am sure I would have wanted my man to be man enough to beat up a bear.

    But just because we needed to defend ourselves from nature, doesn’t mean that we aren’t a part of it.

    The female experience of childbirth and raising babies has shown me just how much apart of the “animal kingdom” we humans really are. I never felt more connected to the Discovery Channel then during the primal experience of giving birth, and then letting a being eat from my boobs! Every time I breast feed I seriously feel like an animal.

    So my theory is that because men make most of the global decisions regarding the environment, they still have a primal instinct to fight against nature. Baconian thinking is so prevalent in our Western culture, that there seems to be a disconnect between wanting to be safe, and the need to be respectful. Of course, you don’t have to give birth or be a mother to appreciate and understand our place in nature, but I do think that for all the men who are still battling against the earth, a little nipple sucking might help them see the light?

    July 12, 2011 • 9-12 months, Musings, Political Banter • Views: 950

  • Just Because She Has A P*ssy, Doesn’t Mean She Needs to Be One

    I know little girls and little boys are different, but I think it is really important to encourage girls to be just as adventurous as boys. I feel like adults have the expectation for boys to be rambunctious and wild, where girls are more often told to be careful and to watch out. Of course, men on the most part are going to be stronger then women, but it doesn’t mean they are more athletic. Even if no one watches women sports, it doesn’t mean they don’t kick ass.

    I have a theory on why there is way less interest in female sports. For the most part, chicks don’t really watch sports. The majority of sports fans are dudes, and then of course the girls who want to impress and flirt with the guys watching the game. Just kidding! There are women who genuinely like sports, like lesbians. Just kidding again! They only like softball. Men who watch sports have no issue with routing for guys that are significantly better than them. But guys don’t like to watch girls be better than them in anything, therefore are not going to watch competitive female sports. You could say that is it less exciting of a game because women are weaker, but they are better than you and it is still sports isn’t it?

    This theory is backed up by the fact that there is about a ratio of 20 to 1 women in the yoga world.* Do you know how many good-looking, fit, healthy, beautiful, sexy, attractive, conscious, and pretty women do yoga? Have I mentioned gorgeous, stunning, and statuesque yet? If men had half a brain, they would get their ass to a yoga class faster than you can Vinyasa. But most don’t. And you know why? They can’t handle the beginning part of learning where all the chicks would be better than them. So they stay at home and look at internet porn.

    For thousands of years philosophers have contemplated the mind body duality and the limitless human potential. Maybe, it is not our bodies that hold us back from miraculous physical accomplishments, but our minds that cannot conceptualize the unknown? But once the mind can imagine something, the body can often respond. All humans should experience this exploration, and in way it begins as babies. Encouraging all children to test their limits, and imagine the impossible. Of course I am not implying that you should get your baby into base-jumping, but I do think that we should be just as supportive of our little girls being tough as our boys.

    So even if society doesn’t share the same enthusiasm for women in sports, unless it is a cute Russian gymnast to fantasize about their splitting capacity, that doesn’t mean it isn’t equally important for girls to get as involved. The process of challenging our bodies and pushing the limits of capability is important for all humans regardless of whether you have a penis or a… you know. Just because your daughter has a pussy, doesn’t mean she needs to be one.

    *“Facts” and “statistics” I am using are more “opinions” and “observations…” but woteva

    July 11, 2011 • 9-12 months, Mommy Mind, Parenting • Views: 737

  • Babies Don’t Get Sarcasm

    Being from the east coast, sarcasm is a huge part of my lexicon of humor. I once lived in Seattle, and after 8 months of knowing a friend they said to me “Ohhhhh…You’re being sarcastic. You were joking!! Wow… I just thought you were kind of bitchy. Now I get it!”

    Much like west-coasters, babies do not get sarcasm.

    I try it all the time on The Munch, and she either gives me the stink eye, or out right cries if I make jokes about how she ruined my connection to my core. She definitely doesn’t appreciate my bit of “Wah… wah… I’m a baby and I cry and need things.” Sure, she stops whining for a second, but only because she is committing the moment to memory for her future therapy sessions.

    You know who else doesn’t get sarcasm? My dog. If I am all “Mona, are you hungry? Well let me prepare a nice steak for you if your dog food doesn’t suffice,” and then I don’t prepare the filet mignon. She too gets rather annoyed.

    Get a sense of humor already!

    “Ummm I don’t get it…”

    July 8, 2011 • 9-12 months, Baby Brain, Musings • Views: 788

  • Humans Are Gross

    Have you ever gone to the doctor with an affliction that was pretty out of the ordinary, or outright disgusting? You think to yourself “Man, this infected puss filled pocket of loose floppy flesh is pretty intense. Should I be embarrassed to show to this? Naw…. He is a doctor! He doesn’t care.” Well, that is why I am not a doctor. I do think other people and their bodily functions are super gross. That, and I can never remember to wash my hands.

    But with your baby, you have to deal with everything that comes out of, is attached to, or lodged in their body, and for whatever reason it is totally tolerable. There is a lot of ooze, poo, puke, rashes, bumps, you have to contend with, but it is surprisingly not a big deal. Oh, she peed on the floor, nothing this shirt can’t soak up. Hey, Munch you have puke all over your face, let me just use my pant leg to wipe that up. Wow, you pooed in the bath. Well, I will just have to grab that and throw it in the toilette so it doesn’t float into your hair.

    I wonder if it is just because she is a baby and I know she can’t take care of any of this herself that heightens my tolerance. When she is old enough to deal with her own bodily secretions will cleaning up her hangover puke make me want to puke as well? Or will I never care about the nastiness her body can dispel because she will always be my baby?

    July 7, 2011 • 9-12 months, Baby Body, Parenting • Views: 822