Baby Nose Job

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Isn’t it hard to trust people? Finding someone you trust with your child is as difficult as finding someone you trust with your heart. You want them to love your little brat as much as you do, so your monster feels the same loving environment you provide for their selfish ass when you are not around.

I have found the perfect babysitter for The Munch and her name is Liliana. She is from Moldova, a cuntree I never heard of which at first made me feel dumb, but I bet you never heard of it either so now I feel smarter than you. Her Russian-esque accent makes her sound like a vampire and her hair is so well groomed she puts any thoroughbred to shame with her magnificent mane.

Yesterday Liliana was watching The Munch and everything seemed fine until she came running into the house with a hysterical baby in her arms.

“Toni, I so sorry. She fell, and now her nose broken. She cry and cry and she hurt.”

Okay, I am sure The Munch did not enjoy falling on her face, and her nose was bleeding, but I was pretty positive it wasn’t broken.

“Liliana it is okay! Babies fall!”

“But I was right there. It was my fault I no catch her. She play with ball, and we play so well together. But never again do we play with ball.”

Poor Liliana, the sweetest girl on the planet was crying about not being able to stop The Munch from falling, The Munch was crying as bloody snot covered my shoulder, and I didn’t know who to comfort first.

As most guys know, nothing takes the pain away like a boob in your mouth, so that was my first plan of attack. Ummmm a boob in The Munch’s mouth you pervert. Liliana ran to get ice to try and ice her nose, which of course was pressed up against my boob. The Munch was not a big fan of this ice idea and kept moving her face, so now Liliana was icing the top of my nipple.

“I so sorry Toni. She go to hospital yes?”

Okay, so her nose was bruised, and her lip was so swollen you couldn’t see her teeth when she tried to smile, but there was no way I was going to take her to the hospital. What could they do for her? Give her a baby nose job? She would never sit still for that!

“Liliana I swear I think she is going to be okay…. Besides if it is really broken she can always get plastic surgery when she is older and fix it right?”

But after twenty minutes of tears she was back to her old self despite her enflamed face, although we did discuss our surgery plan if her nose does not heal perfectly.

“Oh no! Not my face mom! Not that face!”

“Can you still tell even with crusty food and blood on my face?”

“What about the profile? Still flawless right?”

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