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April, 2016
Archive

  • The Left Wing Tea Party and The Church of Conspiracy Curiosity

    I know that everyone thinks Bernie Sanders supporters are their most annoying Facebook friends. Personally, I think we aren’t annoying enough. Just as the right has their Tea Party, it’s time the far left, who believe in the ruling lizard elite, build real political power and replace party members who don’t share our values. I want a congressmember who openly questions the Federal Reserve and a Senator who believes in chem trails. We need elected officials who genuinely question the status quo and don’t dismiss alternative understanding of politics as conspiracy theories.

    If the far right can elect extremists who influence the Republican party, we far leftists need to get the aliens that live in that hollow space station scientists call the “moon” to start influencing ours!

    Half of all Americans think our presidential nomination system is rigged. Millions question if their votes are counted. Bernie supporters are widely discontent with this system, who believe the current paradigm of the ruling 1% is devastating to the future. They can’t just be brushed aside, and need to be taken seriously. We’re spreading like HPV — soon everyone’s genitals will have traces of it.

    The Democrat’s slogan might as well be “Better than that guy, but still fuck you.” This endless war on terror will continue under a Clinton regime and fossil fuels will continue to be sucked from the earth like the enthusiastic blow job of a first date. The prison industrial complex will still shatter communities nationwide, and most alarmingly, the unsustainable profit model of Wall Street and the big banks will continue as business as usual.

    I know the rhetoric “progress takes time,” “you can’t build Rome in a day,” and “always wipe from front to back,” but nothing great has ever been accomplished by succumbing to convention. We need to break the rules and try something new. Maybe every generation feels this way, but holy shit I feel like we are genuinely running out of time. I don’t know about you guys, but I never see articles about the environment that are like, “You know what? Let’s keep this up. We’re gonna be fine.”

    The difference between the power of the far right and the far left is two unifying forces we don’t have: super rich donors who bankroll their movement, and religion.
    Sure we have “spirituality” and 97 recipes for Kale, but the bible ties people together much more tightly because of their common fear of hell. Yeah on the left we are genuinely terrified of gluten, but no one would go to war over that. Yet.

    Not only do we need billionaires to fund this movement, (which might be tricky since we are trying to dismantle the paradigm that empowers billionaires), but we also need a united belief system. I suggest the Church of Conspiracy; political spirituality mixed with how jet fuel can’t melt steel beams. I’m not saying I believe every conspiracy out there, or that sound vibrations built the pyramids, but I am saying I don’t blindly buy the official story of anything. If the mainstream media reports it, I have to question it.

    I don’t think there is some evil overlord named Zolong who is planning everything from 9/11 to the Boston Bombing (although I am not saying Zolong doesn’t exist either). I do think that there are many people invested in a system that is out of control. When the system benefits you, of course you will do anything to maintain it – even if that means selling your soul to Zolong. The system itself is the problem, and the people propping it up need to pushed out of power in order for a new one to form.

    Sure, any democrat is better than Trump, but the ethos Bernie represents if far more interesting and crucial than avoiding Melania as First Lady. I don’t think there has to be a civil war within the Democratic party, but rather an acknowledgement that if we want change, we need to be bold. It’s not about rhetoric or pandering to centrists, but a genuine belief system that doesn’t tolerate greed and destruction.

    I’m ready to join this party! We can be just as wacky as the right wing, but less scary because we will all be a bit tired from avoiding GMO’s all day.

    toni gita floor

    April 28, 2016 • Current Events, Environmental Impact, Political Banter • Views: 1420

  • Why Men Fall Asleep After Sex

    Sex is the most ancient and essential building block of life. It’s as old as time. To assume that there are rational explanations for our sexual behavior is as absurd as claiming to understand dark matter. We just don’t. We can have theories, but there is always going to be a mysterious impulse that suggests you masturbate into your neighbor’s shoes while listening to your grandmother singing “Old Macdonald.”

    Considering the fact that there are people who actually enjoy being shit on – that is enough evidence for me to know that when it comes to our sexuality, there is a LOT that can’t be explained.

    Men and women also have very different relationships to sex. For example if I were to use the date rape drug roofies, it would be so a guy wouldn’t try and have sex with me. Instead, I would just prop up his body next to me and watch Netflix – maybe use his hands to do my dishes so mine don’t get all dry.

    Yet for men, rape used to be a reward for war! Sure you would risk your life to invade this village, but if you win, feel free to rape and pillage till your hearts content!!! Rape away soldiers – that’s your prize!

    When women are in relationships and their man is always trying to touch their boobs, they get annoyed. It’s agitating when you’re focusing on chopping vegetables for a salad and someone comes up from behind and cups your tits. I would say things like “this is my body, it’s not your property!” Or “how would you feel if I kept trying to grab your penis randomly when you’re trying to wash dishes?” And he would then answer, “yes, please. Do grab my penis.”

    It’s not that men like sex more than women, they just have a different relationship to it. Yet the idea that women enjoy sex is terrifying to society. In almost every instance when there has been a case of sexual misconduct, the woman gets blamed. Monica Lewinsky is still being shamed for blowing Bill Clinton, and Hillary still called a shrew for letting it happen. Personally I think Hillary is brilliant for outsourcing BJ’s, and what 20-year old intern wouldn’t let the president of the free world finger-blast you with a cigar? That’s the best hookup story of all time.

    Remember how Janet Jackson got all the blame for Justin Timberlake showing her breast at the super bowl? Or how about most of literature? The entire plot of the Crucible, or the Scarlet letter? There are countless stories of how the scandalous woman is the culprit of what was actually a two party sexcapade.

    The only woman that ever got away with a sex scandal was Mary. Somehow she was considered virgin after getting pregnant without sleeping with her husband, which is the ultimate coup. But we also have to remember that she was 14 ad married to a guy in his 40’s, which also explains a lot.

    There is so much missed messaging when it comes to women and sexuality that it’s impossible to keep up. Shakespeare’s originally quote from Hamlet was actually “to be a slut, not be a slut – that is the question.”

    There is a myth from ancient Greece that tries to uncover what gender enjoys sex more. So a god turned himself to both a man and a woman to experience it. Teirresias the prophet was watching two snakes coupling and had a premonition that women had much more explosive orgasms then men. He was then turned into a woman so he could see for him self, and prove his theory right.

    Despite all our conditioning and culture assumptions that suggest men are the more sexual creatures and women are passive recipients, there is a lot of evidence that proves otherwise. When we look at biology, I think I agree with Teirresias’ investigation. Men have one orgasm, where women can have many.

    So this all leads to my personal theory of why men fall asleep after sex. Once he’s passed out, then the woman can go look for another guy to fuck if she’s still in the mood, or wants some stellar sperm competition going on inside her. So back in the days of early man when Crog was too tired after his orgasm, Pog could mosey on over to the other side of the cave and get it on with Cronum. And that’s evolution guys… everybody wins.

    Get out of there girl!! There is another guy who is ready to rock!

    564ceddede9d7

    April 21, 2016 • Musings, Relationships, Sex Stuff • Views: 1741

  • This Will Probably Traumatize You For Life

    I’m going to tell you a story that may or may not scar you for life. If you are attracted to me at all, get ready for that to end. Today. There is no way you are going to come out of this feeling the same way about me.

    To provide some context:

    My health has always been something I am always pretty experimental about. I do everything I can to avoid western medicine, and often have the strategy of ignoring any ailment that appears because that’s what’s being a grown is all about!

    One example is one day a random growth appeared on my chest. If you were to look at it, you would have said to me “hey Toni, go get that checked out why don’t you?” But I don’t have a dermatologist, so I didn’t. Eventually I went to a hippy doctor and asked her “what the hell is this on my chest,” and she said “I don’t know, I’ll refer you to a dermatologist.” So me and my seemingly skin cancer went home, unsure of what was going on… until a few days later when I just ripped it off my body. AND NOW I AM CURED RIGHT?

    Or how a few months ago I woke up with an unexplainable rash all over my body. I looked at my new itchy, red, infested, torso and thought, “huh, that’s new.” Then I just kept living my life… assuming that the rest of it would include red spots covering my abdomen.

    But eventually it just went away, as mysteriously as it came.

    AGAIN CURED!

    Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night soaking wet, with cold sweats. What do I do about that? Change my clothes and go back to bed.

    My policy is “I think I’m just going to act like this isn’t happening at all.”

    Recently, I’ve been really sick. My stomach has been in a dismal state of disarray for 13 days now. At first I just thought my organs were failing… or that I was melting from the inside. NBD.

    The pain was like nothing I have ever experienced. I didn’t have to puke, shit, burp, or fart, so there was no clear solution to my problem. I had this intense feeling of pressure that would intensify if I tried to eat. There was no obvious relief to this discomfort, and eating was incredibly painful.

    So I did what any normal person would do who felt like their digestive system was failing. I meditated. I thought about, “what is it that I can’t stomach?” Or if I needed to “trust my gut instinct more?” I got my Chinese herbs, “maxa,” and tried to smoke the evil out of my stomach. Unfortunately however, I ended up dropping one of the burning sticks of herbs – and subsequently burnt the shit out of my tummy.

    Yet I still felt awful.

    Then I thought that maybe one of my healers had left an energetic dust bunny in my gall bladder… so I called her and asked. She wasn’t so sure about my hypothesis, and suggested I massage my iliac sacral valve.

    Nothing was helping. It was only getting more uncomfortable and tortuous. Especially because I WAS SUPER HUNGRY!!!!

    I then brought Munch to one of her hippy doctors to get her eye checked, and for whatever voodoo to happen. This woman took one look at me, poked my body, waved her arms around, and closed her eyes to ask my body what was wrong.

    Hippy Doctor: You have a virus.

    Toni: Oh. I just thought that maybe an alien was trying to eat its way out of me.

    She put me on her table and shimmied this then prodded that. She tapped my body and reminded it to heal, and suggested that if I danced my original face I would probably get better quicker.

    But the next day I was still in agony. I saw another hippy doctor, but had to bring the Munch with me because she didn’t have school. The doctor asked me to pee in a cup… so Munch helped me to the bathroom

    Munch: Mama your pee is so brown and dirty looking. Mine is yellow like a bright sun.

    I gave the homeopathic doctor my rancid pee, and she tested it for bad intentions or psychic clotting. It all came back negative, so she thought maybe it was a virus after all.

    She sent my home with peppermint pills.

    I was like okay lady sure… peppermint pills. Like that will do anything for me. Might as well chew a stick of gum.

    I doubled down on the peppermint pills and took twice the recommended dosage. It made me feel a little better, or at least, it let me get to sleep.

    The next morning I woke up and went to bathroom. As I was performing my morning bowel ritual I started to feel a burning sensation! At first I was like “this is it Toni… this is the moment you shit out your colon,” but then I realized that the burning was actually minty. It was a distinct pepperminty feeling in fact. I then had to ask myself the one question I never thought I would have to ask… “Does my asshole have better breath than my mouth!?”

    This was my lunch yesterday 🙁

    toni hand and stick crackers

    April 13, 2016 • Health • Views: 2839

  • What’s the Difference Between Reasons and Excuses?

    When I was in my 20’s I would say yes to everything. If you asked me to go somewhere with you, my answer was a resounding “YES!” I’m a people pleaser, so I didn’t want to let anyone down by saying “no.” I would commit to things I didn’t even want to do just to avoid disappointing someone. Which is probably how I ended up sleeping with a guy I wasn’t attracted to just because I wanted to go home. Funny now to think that grinding genitals with someone felt LESS awkward than just being like “So… I’m outta here.”

    There are many problems with saying “yes,” and not truly connecting to your own desires. One thing that I found myself doing was waiting until the day of some commitment, and then changing my mind about going. Other plans would be more appealing – like taking bong hits and eating 3 lunches. I would then give some excuse about why it wasn’t going to work out. I think this strategy was wayyyyy more annoying to people than saying no in the first place. I remember a good friend telling me that I flaked on her all the time, and how much it hurt her feelings.

    From that moment forward I made a promise to myself. If I said yes to something, no matter what the circumstance, I would follow through. My thinking was that if I used excuses to excuse myself, then I would keep unconsciously saying yes. But if I knew that I was going to keep my word, then I would eventually teach myself how to say no.

    This is fucking harder to do than you think! Especially when someone is like “can you come to my wedding April, 24 2019? I know I currently don’t have plans that far in the future, but come that date, I am sure there will be a thousand things I would rather do than go to your dumb wedding. I mean, celebrate the glory of your eternal love.

    Of course there are moments when you have a genuine reason that you can’t do something you said you would. I may have said I would help you move, and then can’t because hurt my back. If that is true, then it’s a reason, but if it’s a lie, it’s an excuse. PS my back actually does hurt, so no I can’t help you move anytime in the next 60 years.

    When you give someone an excuse, you still act like it’s a reason, and hope they don’t pick up on the fact that it’s actually an excuse. But energetically we all know when someone is giving you an excuse. You just feel it in your bowels.

    Which then begs the question, what is the difference between a reason and an excuse?

    An excuse makes you feel bad about yourself, where a reason makes you feel for the other person. A reason is when you authentically WANT to do something but can’t. An excuse is when you really DON’T want to do something, but don’t know how to be brutally honest and say, “I just don’t want to.” A reason is when you really can’t, an excuse is when you are choosing not to.

    Like when someone answers an email after a few weeks and starts off with “sorry to take so long, been super busy.” Okay no. President Obama has time to respond to emails if he wants. No one is that fucking busy. The truth is, you didn’t FEEL like responding because you’re subtly letting me know I’m not that important to you. YEAH I GET THE HINT!

    I think we would all be better off if when we don’t have a reason for doing something, just owning the fact that you would rather watch a documentary about people who are addicted to watching documentaries. It may make the other person feel like a non-priority to you, but maybe their not, and it’s okay for them to know that. Or you are close enough as friends to know they will be around for the rest of your life… so fuck it. Instead of coming over, I’m going to sit on my couch and not come over because that’s what I feel like doing. And I got too high and ate too many dinners.

    Sorry girl… I would hang out with you, but I would rather let my social anxiety take over instead.

    toni and bridget

    April 6, 2016 • Musings, Relationships • Views: 1153