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October, 2015
Archive

  • The Best Advice I’ve Ever Received

    I’ve been feeling pretty emotionally raw lately. Just really sensitive, like the genitals of new lovers who just couldn’t get enough of each other one night, but then the next day are like, “ow… that looks pretty red. Maybe I need a day off.”

    My rational mind can give myself all sorts of suggestions on how to pull out of this funk, and feel the funk of life again – George Clinton style. But my heart-self just wants to crawl into a hole and burry my face in the dirt. Although I bet my pores would get really clogged if I did that.

    So it got me thinking of all the advice I’ve received in my life, and the pieces of wisdom that stuck with me over the years.

    1) Know your audience: When I don’t know whom I am talking to, or where they are coming from, I tend to accidently shove my foot in my mouth – maybe even deep throat it. I have a tendency to make outlandish provocative statements that appeal to some, but NOT to others. Most of the time I’m just trying to be funny, but if I’m not careful, I will offend the shit out of people.

    For example:

    Toni: My organic farm CSA is giving me an anxiety attack because I have too many vegetables that I can’t eat in time. It’s giving me an aneurism imagining my squash going bad because I don’t make soup by Friday. I’m being plagued by root veggies. It’s like I have beets coming out of my ass. But don’t worry; I’m seeing a doctor about it.

    Woman I don’t really know that well: Does anyone know of a food shelter in this town? The last one I went to, the food was really bad, and I chipped my tooth. I had to pay $300 to get it fixed. My dad also died of an aneurism.

    Okay… of course there was no way I could have known any of that stuff, but the point is that the more questions we ask of the people we are talking to, the more we can be thoughtful of the information we share with them. When I am being wise, I ask a lot about someone before I reveal anything. Who are they? Where are they at emotionally? What is their vibe for the day? Our minds are filled with thoughts that don’t need to be distributed. It is our responsibility to sift through them, and try to only articulate the ones that bring value.

    Back to more advice….

    2) When in the shower, wash your face before your ass: This may be an obvious suggestion. But until it was so beautifully articulated, that had never occurred to me.
    3) The horizon is pretty to look at, but you will never get there: This one is my own advice, but I think it is a good for me to hear. It’s important to have goals in life, but no matter what, you will never achieve them. Because as soon as you do, there will be another one off in the distance. So sit back and enjoy the view.

    dublin lake sunset

    October 28, 2015 • Musings • Views: 1351

  • How Do You Treat People When You’re in a Bad Mood?

    How often do you get in a bad mood? Every week? Every day? Every few hours?

    What do your bad moods look like? Do you take it out on the people around you? Do you retreat into yourself? Do you punish your furniture or punch walls? Or do you paint pictures of Donald Trump with your menses?

    Everyone gets into bad moods. It seems like an unavoidable aspect of the human condition. We can’t have happiness without moments of darkness. We all feel waves of pessimism, and ironically, our own thoughts are often the cause of the turmoil.

    Most problems we have are not the external interference of someone intentionally fucking with you. The majority of our personal suffering we put on ourselves by being upset over things we have little control over. We thus end up spending a huge part of our lives managing this self-induced pain.

    But here is the problem with being in a bad mood. NO ONE LIKES TO BE AROUND SOMEONE WHO’S IN A BAD MOOD!

    Negativity is more contagious than a strand of herpes infested Ebola virus mixed with measles. When you are around someone who is complaining, wallowing, or finding the fault in everything – it is hard not to sink into the pit of despair with them. Bad moods are the quick sand of the emotional spectrum, and most people will run the other direction so as not to get sucked in.

    So the question then becomes, what do you do with yourself when you are in a bad mood? If you don’t honor your feelings, they tend to fester and breed. That energy has to be expelled somehow, because denial only delays the inevitable breakdown. The ideal would be to notice your bad moods, but allow them to float through you without attachment. Just let them pass like gas! Yet that can be really hard if you are not a Buddhist monk spending your life meditating in the forest!

    When you live with a kid, their moods are in a constant state of chaos. They can get angry about something as simple as having too many raisins in their granola. Which although is maddening, is not a reason to throw yourself on the floor and weep as if you just ate your cat by accident.

    When Munch is in a bad mood, she also happens to be a total asshole. It is hard to be empathetic to her anguish when I also think she is being a dick. I don’t want Munch to feel like there isn’t space to be her authentic expressive self; but I also don’t want to be an emotional punching bag in the process.

    Toni: Listen, Munch. I totally understand that life can be frustrating, and sometimes you get in a bad mood. I am never asking you not to feel your feelings. But I am asking you to start thinking how you treat people when you are angry inside. If you are in a bad mood, is it possible for you to also be kind?

    The Munch was quiet for a moment while she took this suggestion in. Then she looked at me as if she totally understood what I was saying, then dramatically threw her head back.

    Munch: BUT IT’S SO HARD!!!!!

    Exactly Munch…

    (This was her first day of school… and boy was she in a bad mood!)

    first day of school

  • Just Another Childhood Trauma

    Sometimes I like to sit around and think about how my parents totally fucked me up. I just find it relaxing.

    You know, on those cold fall days where I’m questioning my existence and wondering if my life is simply a series of failures – I quickly shift my focus to how my mom and dad made me the nut case that I am today. See… it’s all their fault.

    My dad has a thing with death. It makes him REALLY uncomfortable. Probably from being raised Catholic. He just can’t deal with the thought of death because it is too painful. Perhaps it makes him think of the existential quandary of heaven and hell, and that we’re all going down because we’ve masturbated? I don’t know! I’m not in my dad’s head okay! (At least not any more… I only shot through there super fast on my way out of his balls). I digress!

    So when I was about 8, my Dad and I went to our country house and came across 15 baby mice corpses. Now you can’t just leave carrion in your house – because the bodies will rot and begin to smell. My mom would NOT approve of decaying flesh polluting her home. We HAD to dispose of them. At least one of us did.

    Sure my dad was the adult, and I was the child. One would assume he would swallow his fear, and deal with the DEAD BABY MICE rather than making his 8-year-old daughter do it. But you see – he didn’t want to pick up the small pink carcasses. Instead, my dad told me he would pay $20 for everyone I got rid of.

    Now I am not saying I sold my innocence that day, but I am saying I bought a lot of She-Ra dolls after that weekend.

    Because my dad was so traumatized by the idea of death, he never wanted me to have animals. Not because he didn’t like them, but he liked them too much! When I wanted to get a dog I had to leave a puddle of tears in my Dad’s office to convince him. He just stared at the wetness on his floor and finally acquiesced.

    Once I had my dog Fiona, I wanted to get another pet. I loved pets! They were my friends!! So I got a hamster! Yayyyy! More furry things to love!!!!

    But one night while I was sleeping in my bed, I heard all this commotion underneath me. I turned on the light and realized my hamster had somehow gotten out of the cage. I then looked under my bed where all the turmoil was coming from, and realized that Fiona was in fact killing my hamster.

    I ran into my parents’ room.

    Toni: Mom! Dad! Fiona is under the bed killing my hamster.
    My Dad: Well, it’s all your fault. Deal with it.

    Now, it was 4 in the morning… and no one likes to be woken up at 4 in the morning and then deal with a half eaten hamster.

    I am not sure who ended up disposing of the body. I’m pretty sure it was my mom, because she is stronger than all of us. All I remember is sitting in my living room as the sun came up, holding my dog, and thinking I was to blame for the murder of my hamster.

    But I love you dad!! It’s your birthday today, and your sensitive heart is as pure as gold. You also let me get a bird… and cried at her grave when she died!! It is the way of the Nagy’s to weep mercilessly and lament at all animal death and suffering.

    (Me and Fiona)

    toni and fiona

    October 21, 2015 • Old School Stories • Views: 1686

  • Did “Back to the Future” Predict 9/11?

    Do you remember your first time? What you were wearing… who you were with… how you felt inside – that bubbling anticipation of not knowing what it was going to be like. I do. I was 21, stoned, with my boyfriend, and eating an insane about of cookie dough – which I continued to devour the entire time. Although I think I fell asleep for a few minutes in the middle.

    We are talking about the same thing right? The first time you watched a conspiracy theory video.

    Now I know you can think I am a nut job for entertaining this type of content. I am not saying conspiracy theories are God’s truth, but let me just give you something to contemplate. In Ancient Greece, the one thing that EVERY person had to participate in, whether you were a man, woman, child, or slave, was watching the plays. It was mandatory to attend the theater, because that was the strategy that got people emotionally invested in governmental decisions and war.

    Something worth considering before you judge me MOM!

    Back to my first time; I lost my “thought virginity” in 2001, with a VHS tape. YES! SO GOOD! The video was called “A Funny Thing Happened on The Way to the Moon,” and was about how the moon landings were faked for political gain and corporate corruption.

    Now I am not saying the moon landing was faked… but I am also not saying it wasn’t.

    I then got into Alex Jones, and entered into a void of conspiracy theories that only grew once Youtube came on the scene. “Zeitgeist,” “Loose Change,” “Room 237…” the list goes on and on and on and on. Subjects like our alien ancestors, The Bilderberg group, the ruling lizard elite, the Federal Reserve, the Amero, how we don’t actually have to pay taxes… I have seen them all.

    Eventually I stopped watching these videos because I stopped smoking weed. But guess what I started doing again? Smoking weed and watching conspiracy theory videos – you’re welcome world.

    So my brother and I got high over the weekend, and decided to enter into 2 conspiracy vortexes. The first was about how the movie “Back to The Future” predicted the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Keep an open mind okay!!!??

    At first my brother was unimpressed with the video. We are both conspiracy theory aficionados, and I wanted him to be impressed by my selection. Yet the narrator kept repeating himself, and it felt pejorative to assume we needed information to be echoed so many times.

    My Brother Laszlo: Yeah, yeah I know this already. The time on the clock is 9:11 upside down. The mall where the terrorist attack took place was called “The Twin Pines” mall. I’ve seen this stuff before.

    I started to momentarily panic. Partly because I wanted my brother to be as blown away as I had been by the video, and partly because I was super high, and realizing I had NO COOKIES IN THE HOUSE!

    As the video delved deeper, it divulged that not only did Robert Zemeckis’ “Back to the Future” predict 911, but it also implied that the official story is a fabrication. It goes on to say that Zemeckis’ new film “The Walk,” about Philippe Petit’s 1974 high wire walk across the twin towers, is “the reveal” about the 9/11 warning.

    My Brother: Okay… I’ve never heard this before.
    Toni: Phew!

    In the movie “Back to the Future,” Marty McFly gives Doc a letter warning him about the terrorist attack he will fall victim to. When doc asks, “what’s the meaning of this,” Marty replies, “You’ll find out in 30 years!” Just like how “The Walk” is being released exactly 30 years after “Back to the Future.” AND… now get this… When Marty McFly comes back from the future to talk to Doc, he is wearing the SAME outfit as Joseph Gorden-Levit in the “The Walk.”

    What happened next I am not sure because I was thinking about making a second dinner…. but I do know there was some illuminati influence implied as well.

    My Brother and Toni: The illuminati… yes… of course…

    The video also explained that awareness of the screen, and touching the screen, is what exposes the wizard behind the curtain. Knowing about media manipulation is the main objective of these Zemeckis films. Supposedly, Zemeckis is suggesting that through unveiling the illusion of the screen, we will find the truth.

    My Brother: Wait what? So how did Zemeckis know about 9/11? Did the aliens tell him? And who was this Philippe Petitte guy that the new movie “The Walk” is about? Why did he walk across the towers in the first place?

    Toni: I don’t know? Maybe it is like you said earlier… that Philippe walked across the towers to inspire awe, wonder, and to get people to look up?

    But at this point we were too freaked out to believe anything good.

    My Brother: But what if it was some death ritual? Look at these skyscrapers… aren’t they reptilian? Maybe there was something more sinister going on, and he was suggesting that we worship these monoliths? I don’t want to worship a monolith. It is all so transhumanist! AHHHHHH!!

    Toni: AHHHHH!! What does it all mean!!??

    We were fully terrified. Because WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN!?

    Then we decided to go into a “flat earth” quagmire. I mean we were high after all, and that is the perfect time to wonder if the world is actually flat.

    Okay so I am not saying the world is flat… I’m just not saying that it isn’t.

    The “flat earth” videos are pretty next level. We had to watch a few of them, and I still don’t really understand the argument. Some of the videos were deconstructing how satellites don’t really exist, which some how suggests flat earth. These videos had a SUPER complicated explanation about how satellites HAVE to be virtual and used science words. Then there were a lot of experiments using balloons, and how if you let one up in the air, it shows that there is actually no curve of the earth. Another video was going on about how the sun gets bigger the higher you get, and maybe the sun is actually only 40 miles away? I mean, I’ve never been to the sun so I don’t know!?

    Toni: Are they basically suggesting that the world is in a 2 dimensional plane?

    My Brother: Yeah, like how the UN map is a flat depiction of the globe. You can still sail from here to China in either direction, but you are not going around in a 3rd dimension. And I guess they say there is some glass dome on top of the earth that contains us.

    We then looked at the map of flat earth.

    Toni: Okay, but what if you just sailed a boat that way?? Wouldn’t that bring you to the edge?

    My brother: Well, we have to watch another video to explain that part. But they say that beyond the ocean is a big wall of ice, and on the other side of the wall is where the aliens are.

    Toni: Kinda like Game of Thrones?

    My Brother: Yeah. And that is why the aliens got so pissed when we had nuclear explosions. Because they felt it. Even though we are imprisoned in this little zone, they are still impacted by our actions.

    Toni: But what about all the pictures we have seen from space of the round earth?

    My Brother: I don’t know? And what about all the astronauts who said they went to space?

    Toni: Are they all just mind controlled? They never went up, but think they did because they were given too much acid at MK ultra?

    My brother: I’m not saying they are mind-controlled. But I’m not saying they are not.

    Toni: I’ve personally never explored space. I’ve just left it up to other people to investigate.

    My Brother: Right, and then we just believe the information that we are given from their discoveries. And since they already did it, we don’t have to.

    Toni: All the visual proof of the world being round is pictures and videos. And if you think about it, pictures and movies are what we use to trick ourselves into believing fake stories like “Star Wars.” At least momentarily we believe them so we can stay captivated by the narrative. That is why movies make us cry, laugh, whatever… because we suspend belief. We knowingly seek out fantasy through movies, but we also uncompromisingly believe things we see on video in the “news.” We use the same tool of manipulation for truth and for fiction.

    My Brother: Exactly! It is just like the “Back to the Future” thing! We are controlled through media! Knowingly and unknowingly! Maybe we are living inside an M.C Escher painting. That is the Matrix… which begs the question, “do you feel betrayed?”

    Toni: Exactly. Wait, but why would “they” want us to think we lived on a round earth?

    My Brother: I don’t know. And who benefits from other people exploring for us, and telling us the “facts” of our “planet?”

    Toni: I don’t know

    My Brother: You know, thinking you know things to be true, kills the curiosity of finding out for yourself.

    Toni: YES! Thinking you know – kills curiosity! THAT IS IT!

    Okay yes all this is totally nuts, and yeah we were super high. But you know what? Obama refuses to meet with the “flat earth” advocates… so what does that mean? Maybe they are right? Or maybe they are totally crazy and the president is super busy and doesn’t have time for crazy conspiracies.

    The reason why conspiracy theories interest me is because it is questioning the official story. There is an agenda to history, news, and media. It is a powerful tool that changes the way people think. But it is not that I believe every crazy video I see either. I would watch a conspiracy theory about how conspiracy theories are made by the government to distract us from the actual truth of what we are being told by the government. Totally! Maybe! Who knows! I just want to come from a place of curiosity.

    Here they are for your enjoyment…

    October 19, 2015 • Current Events, Family Drama, Musings, Political Banter • Views: 2014

  • Being Spoiled vs Acting Spoiled

    Here in America, we are surrounded by overconsumption, overabundance, and overzealous materialism. Excess is everywhere. Go through your house right now and I bet you are surrounded by shit you don’t use, don’t need, but yet don’t want to get rid of.

    What if I need that second rolling pin later?! Say I was making a pie, and also wanted to beat someone over the head, but didn’t want to get flour everywhere. See ~ I NEED 2 ROLLING PINS!

    We have an obsession with stuff partly because of nostalgia, partly because of a fear of scarcity, and partly because it is so easy to get. Corporate Culture has made everything cheaper and more accessible. The seduction to buy things is so engrained in our psyche that we hardly ever question the impulse. Is it essential that I buy another pair of printed leggings with the Buddha’s face? Not really, but that doesn’t mean my butt won’t look cute in them!

    Often times we think we need money because we want to buy more things, but really what we should be looking for more of is time. More experiences. More moments that make memories. Who cares about material objects in the face of a life worth remembering?

    Because I don’t live in an urban environment, shopping is not one of my past times. Go in the woods and fart. Yeah, that is something I do. Go shopping for things? There really is nowhere to go. Except for Target.

    Even though I try to avoid supporting any multinational mega-business, I do sometimes wind up at Target. I mean, it’s not Wal-Mart. But sometimes, I have to get clothes for The Munch, batteries for the remote, a shower curtain, and, you know… leggings that make my butt look cute. YOU JUST CAN’T HAVE ENOUGH OF THOSE!

    The Munch and I probably go to Target once every 2 months and every time we go, she wants to buy a toy. Now I could say, “wait till your birthday or Christmas.” I probably should say that, right!? That way she understands the meaning of patience, and that she shouldn’t just try and fill The Void with crap.

    But then there is the selfish part of me that says, “Well, if I buy her this toy/Lego set/My Little Pony, when we get home she will leave me alone and play with it. Sure it was probably made in a sweatshop with materials that are not only toxic, but also off-gassing poisonous plastic secretions into the house, but did I mention she would also shut the fuck up for 10 minutes?”

    Not every time I enter a store with The Munch do I buy her something, but often times I do. It is not like she has expensive taste, but I also don’t want her to unconsciously devour shit around her that she later discards because it was too available. If we were living in Colonial times, and she only had one baby doll that was missing an arm and half it’s face – but it was all she had – she would love the shit out of that doll. But in my house where she has 10 fucking dolls, it is easy to lose interest because, hey, it’s just one of many.

    It is hard to pretend the world isn’t what it is. I don’t live in an off-the-grid geodesic dome. Acting like my child does, is borderline absurd. I could insist that The Munch only play with wool and wood I whittled into stick people. But I am not sure denial is going to empower The Munch to figure out how to navigate a world that is filled with longings. I want to instill values onto The Munch that build her awareness, not pretend like I can’t afford a $7 stuffed unicorn. I would rather talk about something being produced by a company that “isn’t kind to the people that make the toy,” than sheltering her from the fact that these things exist.

    Yet, sometimes I just buy her whatever the fuck she wants. Because fuck it. So yeah. The Munch is spoiled in that way for SURE! But there is a difference between acting spoiled and being spoiled. As long as she isn’t a selfish dick and gives a shit about child labor laws, this mother is happy.

    munch barette

    October 14, 2015 • 5 years old, Behavior, Family Drama, Mommyhood, Parenting, Playing • Views: 1419

  • How Not To Be an Emotional Terrorist

    Even though emotions seem esoteric because you can’t tangibly experience them with your physical senses, that doesn’t mean they aren’t energetically tangible. We are all entangled in each other’s emotional webs. We feed off each other in an eternal feedback loop of feelings – like a snake giving it’s tail a blowjob.

    You are mad at me, so I then get mad at you, which makes you even madder at me, and that makes me SUPER mad at you. You know what? Forget it. I don’t even want to talk to you about this any more.

    People are so easily impacted by the moods of others. There is a contagious quality to our dispositions that spreads like a virus. It is really hard not be influenced by each others energies, and often we blame people for fucking with our chi. We say things like “you’re bringing me down,” “you’re putting me in a bad mood,” or “bitch don’t kill my vibe.” Yet even when we feel like we are victims of emotional terrorism, we are also the emotional terrorists when we take on other people’s feelings.

    Here is my 2 step guide on how not to be an emotional terrorist.

    1) Contain your own energetic temperament. If you are feeling particularly negative, perhaps keep to yourself until you can work through what’s going on. Just because there is internal turmoil doesn’t mean you have to externalize that experience and take it out on others.

    2) Don’t be an energetic sponge! It is one thing to be intuitive and notice that someone you love is cranky, sad, disappointed… whatever. You can have compassion for their experience, but that doesn’t mean you have to mirror their state of mind. You can still be happy and content around someone who is having a hard time.

    When we don’t own our own feelings, then we make it impossible for people to be authentic around us. We can’t go around being shitty and expect that not to impact people. But we also can’t get impacted every time we are around someone acting shitty. Maybe you come home from a hard day, and some motherfucker is in your house – like your kid, spouse, or dad who actually is a motherfucker. We are not academy award winning actors. I can’t always act happy just because someone is in my kitchen making a sandwich. When you live with people, they are sometimes going to witness your foul being, and that has to be okay.

    There is a fine line between allowing feelings to pass through us, and using them as weapons of mass destruction. If we all could learn how to better negotiate our moods, then we wouldn’t terrorize each other with them. Like when The Munch is really cranky, I don’t want to give her the impression that there isn’t space for that. I don’t scold her for having emotional complexity. Of course she can be in a bad mood about not finding the Lego piece. That is totally understandable. But it is also okay for me to leave the room as she processes those feelings. Just like she is free to feel, I am free to get the fuck out of there and do something else. I don’t to be the audience for that breakdown because holy shit kid; it is just a fucking Lego piece.

    Moments before the meltdown…

    lego much

    October 12, 2015 • 5 years old, Behavior, Family Drama, Musings, Parenting, Playing, Relationships • Views: 1590

  • New Englanders and Their Goddamn Weather

    New England people talk about the weather. A lot. If you don’t have something to say in the North East – make a comment about the weather. You can remark on it being hot, cold, wet, dry… and these are all totally legitimate talking points that are considered high art conversation topics. In fact, just saying “Nice day out,” will ignite a lot of nodding, staring off, and approval of your fine skill in dialogue.

    For people who don’t live with seasons, I can see how this type of discourse seems not only mundane, but borderline absurd. Yeah… it get’s cold in the winter, and it sure does heat up in the summer. DUH! STOP POSTING ABOUT IT ON FACEBOOK! But for those experiencing these ever-changing environments it really does come as a surprise. On those warm august nights you never think you are going to be cold again. But then WHAM! You are in it, and -10 degrees really does feel freezing. Wow… let’s discuss it over coffee for ten minutes.

    Fall is probably the most coveted, scenic, and revered of the seasons – but it is also the most tragic. The harvest may be plenty, the bounty is bountiful, and the leaves are an elaborate display of beauty. Yet the lingering awareness of death encompasses the vibe. Every sunny 60 degree day I think to myself “Is this the last one?! Holy shit I better get the fuck outside now and appreciate it! Soon it will all be over!”

    Autumn is all about surrender. You have to let go of the summer, and not torture yourself with the anticipation of winter. It is like a Buddhist practice of living in the moment, remarking about the damn leaves, and emotionally preparing for the heavens to shit snow on you for the next 6 months.

    Yet seasons strengthen your resilience. The act of having to accommodate the morphing landscape connects you to nature in a meaningful way. And I’m talking about that way where you also obsessively talk about the right boots or fleece product to best protect you from the elements. Another thrilling conversation New Englanders have.

    We talk about the foliage because it is easier than talking about our own mortality. Something about starting a conversation with “we are all going to die,” really doesn’t rub people the right way.

    seasons-blog

    October 7, 2015 • Current Events, Musings • Views: 1187

  • Do You Get My Sense of Humor?

    Of course I want my kid to have her own personality, but I also like it when The Munch reminds me of me. The more like me she is, the more I relate to her, because you know, me.

    There are many ways in which The Munch and I see the world differently, and I embrace our divergent perspectives. She for one likes yogurt, where I happen to think it is worse than eating bear semen. She also has no interest in learning the rules to “Connect 4,” where I… actually that’s a really big problem and I need her to change that about herself immediately.

    My only hope was that my child would inherit a similar sense of humor to mine. If we can’t laugh about the absurdity of the world together, then how are we ever going to make it in this cold world? I know she isn’t sophisticated enough to understand the nuances of all my many vagina jokes, but I’m hoping the flaps and folds of her brain begin the birthing of that process.

    But you know what you guys? I think she’s starting to get it. For one, The Munch is beginning to wrap her mind around the concept of sarcasm. A few weeks ago some friends visited with their kids, and The Munch was really not into their children. They didn’t have a vibe she liked, they were pretty physically aggressive, and they made her room messy. We all had a plan to meet at the park, and when we got there, The Munch noticed that my friends’ car wasn’t there.

    Munch: Oh wow, it’s too bad your friends aren’t here yet.
    Toni: What do you mean?
    Munch: It’s just too bad they’re not here. I just really wish they were.
    Toni: You do?
    Munch: NO MOM! I AM JUST JOKING ON YOU!

    It was probably the proudest moment of my life. One single tear was shed knowing that my sweet little girl was slowly turning into the cynical bitch I know she can be.

    I don’t know about you, but I am a huge fan of pushing bruises. I mean what’s funnier than seeing a bruise on someone, and just giving it a little press?! So the other day I was giving The Munch an airplane ride, and she noticed some bruises on my leg. Even though said leg was holding her up in the air, The Munch looked at my bruise contemplatively, and then pushed the shit out of it! I almost dropped her from the shooting pain, but she didn’t care and just dug in harder. Munch then tackled me, trying to push the other ones. I mean… she just gets it. That is hilarious!

    You have to laugh at your own pain because otherwise you are overtaken by it.

    Okay so here is another one. About 2 years ago The Munch went to drink some juice, and an ant bit her uvula. You know, that punching bag in the back of your throat. The ant was stuck there for 2 days despite my many efforts to dislodge it. I never told Munch that it was an ant however, because I didn’t want to freak her out.

    That is until this weekend.

    Toni: Munch, remember when you got that black thing stuck in your throat, and you thought it was a blackberry?
    Munch: Yeah.
    Toni: Well, it wasn’t a blackberry. It was something else, but I didn’t want to tell you and make you upset.
    Munch: Well, what was it?
    Toni: An ant. An ant bit your uvula.
    Munch: AN ANT BIT MY UVULA! HAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!

    She laughed the whole car ride home because that IS comedy gold.

    (Fun fact: I have received over 10 emails from people who had this exact same thing happen to them! I’m pretty sure I’m the foremost expert on Google for what to do when an ant bites your uvula. Just saying, I am kind of a big deal in that circle).

    I feel like The Munch is developing a sense of humor that is somewhat akin to mine, which makes me feel like I’m doing at least one thing right as a parent. Like when she saw this picture of herself, and insisted I show it to the entire dinner table (including her great grandmother) because The Munch knows comedy is more important than personal modesty.

    (Ps those are socks on her hands… for whatever reason).

    gets-it-blog-(i)

    How could you not want to push these bruises?

    get's-it-blog-(i2)