2. Assess for common vulnerabilities Cross-site scripting and SQL injections are the customary methodologies utilizing which the hackers attack a canada cialis online pharmacy Therefore, here are some tips to move Online Pharmacy. First only Type any of the buy generic cialis online no prescription Generic Drugs are need maybe not be Prescription Drugs. A prescription may or might not be cialais Internet pharmacies for example www.bluepillshorizon.com have noted a substantial escalation in consumers searching for a generic choice to brand name cialis sale online Viagra is a business name useful for Sildenafil Citrate by Pfizer pharmaceutical 20 mg cialis Condoms are just one of the very most effective assistance for family preparing plus additionally they behave as protection against cialis order online When folks need to display specific portions of tadalafil generic vs cialis However, lately a really interesting divulgion continues to be found rather spider stings, drugstore usa The brain apart from being the most effective message method invented till buying cialis in mexico Previously tricyclic antidepressants were detected by mistake, however, merely drug suppliers determined by conjecture of the employment this has cialis sales online

May, 2015
Archive

  • Not My Proudest Moment

    Lately I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by life. My plates too full, and I’ve been on the grind – burning the candle at both ends because I’m busy as a beaver that doesn’t even have time to get waxed. Frowny face.

    When things get hectic, I tend to get in this manic state of rushing through life trying to get everything done. This chaotic energy makes it impossible to relax when it’s finally time to unwind at night. Rather than doing what normal people do… ie sleep… I stare at the ceiling sweating while wondering if my life will ever have any meaning. It’s not as peaceful as it sounds.

    The other night I was particularly anxious and thought, “Hey, maybe if I smoked some pot I would loosen up.” Because that is what grown ups do with their feelings – stuff them deeper inside so they eventually get colon cancer.

    I took a few hits and settled in to watch an old Saturday Night Live (when it was good) and within 20 minutes my body started to liquefy. My cells were so relieved to not be drowning in floods of stress hormones that all systems shut down.

    I was suddenly so tired my eyelids officially protested opening. My lashes clasped together like multi-racial hands in the face of a police barricade at a political rally. So I decided to concede to my body’s desires, and get up to go to bed.

    I stumbled into the kitchen to turn off the lights and then suddenly remembered I had cheesy crackers – THAT ARE FUCKING DELICIOUS WHEN YOU ARE STONED. Yet as much as I wanted to satisfy my munchies and mow down, my eyes still refused to open.

    So I did want any responsible adult would do. I ate an entire box of cheesy crackers standing up with my eyes closed.

    (Good thing I didn’t see the bag of cookies… or I would still be standing there eating those too)

    cheesy-crackers-blog-(i)

    May 27, 2015 • Adventures, Musings • Views: 1842

  • Do We All Have Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

    Ten years ago if I looked in the mirror and thought I looked good, that was basically all that happened. I would maybe make a face to myself, fluff my hair, and then probably fart because I was in the bathroom so why not? I didn’t call my friend’s to alert them. Nor did it occur to me to search through my room, find my camera, document my perfect pout, walk to the closest convenience store, drop off the film, come back a week later, look at the picture, and then show everyone I’ve ever met.

    Yet now with social media we feel the compulsion to share our dewy eyes after a day in the sun. We will even go so far as to cut other people out of the shot, and zoom in closer so everyone can bask in the glory of our new pixilated profile picture. But doesn’t my smile just look so cute?! YES IT DOES!

    Instagram and Facebook fan our vanity. It’s a virtual culture that feeds the ego, and the adoration is addictive – whether it’s sincere or not. I don’t ACTUALLY like everything I “like” that you post… nor do you. I “like” things because I want YOU to “like” MY things. It’s just the way it is.

    Even though there are positive elements of social media, it’s also fostering narcissism. Not just with the selfies, but also the insatiable compulsion to communicate our thoughts to our cyber audiences. We all have our fan base, as well as being fans of others. It becomes a feedback loop of self-importance, just like that snake eating its own tail – which I tried myself, but my feet really do smell.

    What we are ultimately looking for is validation for our existence. Look at my kid and tell me how cute. Check out my food and see how delicious. Gaze at my relationship and feel jealous because of its perfection. Hear my accomplishments and make me feel worthy. Weep at my sadness because it is now in your newsfeed while you are sitting on the toilet. It isn’t just about bragging or expression, but a need to be noticed and thus alive.

    In a way, most of modern society is battling narcissistic personality disorder…

    “Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.” –Mayo Clinic

    You may say to yourself “I don’t have a lack of empathy for others…” but how many times do you gag, roll your eyes, or make fun of someone’s lame status update? SHUT YOUR FACE I KNOW YOU DO IT!!!!

    Rather than denying the fact that this is a cultural phenomenon, we have to instead admit it, and embrace it. The only way to truly battle the contagious influence of arrogance is being able to laugh at yourself when you are seduced by it. It’s only if we are being real about our motivations that we will avoid being completely corrupted. Now go ahead and please “like” this post because if you don’t I will probably cry about it.

    (PS this blog was inspired by a conversation between me and my brother… As we were discussing how everyone is a narcissist we then starting talking about ourselves and if we were narcissists because you know… narcissism).

    LOOK AT ME AND TELL ME HOW AMAZING I AM IN EVERY WAY!

    narcissim-blog

    May 25, 2015 • Current Events, Musings • Views: 1364

  • I’m Sick of Taking Care of Things

    One of the great beauties of childhood is that you aren’t expected to take care of anyone else. You are barely expected to take care of yourself. Yeah eventually you learn to wipe your own ass and pour your own juice, but mostly other people are responsible for your needs.

    Once you are an adult, suddenly you are constantly servicing other beings. Sure you don’t have to get an animal, spawn a kid, or be in a relationship. But if you make those life choices, those mother-fuckers are going to need something from you – ALL THE DAMN TIME!

    Sometimes you are in a caregiving mood and feel fulfilled by fulfilling the desires of others. You might make gourmet food for your dog, lovingly fold your child’s laundry, or rub your lovers feet… then go home and have to do the same thing to your spouse because that is only fair.

    Yet there are days where I can barely feed myself, let alone be accountable for the lives of others. Sometimes I really don’t want to be depended on, and have minimum capacity for pulling it together enough to attend to someone else.

    This afternoon was one of those days.

    Munch came home from gymnastics, and I told her she had to clean her room. She asked me to help her, which consisted of me doing everything because she was busy “cleaning” her toy… that she was actually just playing with. I didn’t have the energy to fight. When she asked to watch TV my only response was “I don’t care,” which she took as an enthusiastic YES. Thank goddess Munch is not a frat boy at a college party.

    As The Munch was watching her stupid show, I had to make her dinner. As I was preparing her meal, my cat Omega started getting in my way because she was hungry. So I fed her. Then my business partner called to tell me we didn’t have enough money to pay rent, just as Omega vomited her food on the kitchen table.

    I got off the phone to clean up the puke as my dog Mona comes in the house with three giant disgusting ticks in her ear. They had been sucking on her blood for days, and were grossly engorged. I had to rip them out and s I did, one burst – spraying blood all over me. I got up to get a paper towel and Omega then puked again on the counter.

    Then Munch comes in asking for me to get her juice with water, which I can’t yet do because I spot another tick on Mona. I get the tick out, and clean up the remaining puke as I watch the cat puke yet again on Munch’s lunch box. I then hear Munch ask, “Where’s my Juice?” as I wipe up the third vomit… debating putting it in a cup for Munch to drink.

    Here are the morbidly obese ticks

    take-care

    May 20, 2015 • Birth • Views: 1437

  • Pretending to Pretend

    If you came to my house and saw me dressed up like a princess while talking to my stuffed animals, would you think that was sweet – or that I had totally lost my fucking mind? Chances are you would smile, back out slowly, and then call my mom to tell her that the moment had finally come – it was time to have me committed. Even though kids are expected to play pretend, when adults do, we consider it a mental disease.

    When I watch The Munch play pretend it is of course cute to watch her imagination wander, but she also gets into some really weird shit. Sometimes her baby dolls have to go to jail because they weren’t listening, her stuffed panda has been known to eat Mr. Bunny, and every so often her Carebear has to be put outside in the rain for punishment.

    That is just the information I am privy to as she talks to herself. There are a lot of times where The Munch is playing and she is quite. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a full narrative happening inside her head, I just don’t know what it is. And to be honest, I don’t know if I want to.

    A lot of times she asks me to participate in these games, which to be honest is hard for me to get into. I am too aware that this isn’t reality, and I can’t get lost in it like a child would. Of course I go along and pretend to pretend, but in reality my brain is spending its time stressing out about my life rather than truly being invested in My Little Pony’s adventure into the land of Dark Trees.

    Do you remember the feeling of being lost in your imagination? I have a vague recollection of what that was like, but I can’t connect to that headspace. I think my window was too short. I know some kids can stay in that mental state for a long time, but I think when I was like 6 or 7 I was like, “this is just silly.” I was too self aware, and that ability to forget myself melted away.

    Even though the social acceptability of pretending morphs as you age, plenty of grown ups still do it, just in a more adult way. They role play sexually, play fantasy sports games, have online Avatars, hold Dungeons and Dragon’s gatherings, go to adult summer camps… All this proves we will have a need for play even though it is manifested differently.

    Yet I can’t get into any of that shit, because again, my consciousness is too conscious of its consciousness. Maybe for those of us who still yearn for play, but are too uptight to figure out how to maintain the capacity, we turn to drugs. Not that I am a druggie now, but I was definitely committed for a good portion of my teen and adult years. Drugs helped me forget my mind and exist in a make-believe world.

    Perhaps if there were more opportunities for people to play as they grow up, less people would turn to drugs for that mental escape? I don’t know, but it seems like a fun little game of “You’re the Teacher and I’m the Bad Student,” is infinitely safer than heroine.

    pretending-blog-2

    May 18, 2015 • 4 years old, Behavior, Mommyhood, Parenting, Playing, Toddler Thoughts • Views: 1230

  • Even Though I Love You I Don’t Always Like You

    We all love our families – or at least we feel the cultural pressure to say we do, and honor the obligation by pretending. I have an to uncle whom I sign off emails saying, “love Toni,” but in truth I think he’s kind of a dick. I have cousins I adore, and then one I think is a mega tool. Even though I guess there is a general aura of love around my family, I sure as shit don’t enjoy all their company.

    When someone is in your life, and probably never going anywhere, you can feel love for them – but that doesn’t mean you always want to be around them. Some of my best loving I do from afar. The less I have to deal with your bullshit, the better I can appreciate my love for you.

    Even the people I know I love a lot… I sometimes imagine the joy I would feel murdering them. Not the consequence of their actually being dead – just the initial satisfaction of choking the life out of them.

    Love may be unconditional, but liking someone is not.

    I LOVE my child until the ends of the multiverse – but I don’t always like her.

    Sometimes being around the people you love the most is the most annoying. When you really care about someone, the emotional juxtaposition of being sincerely irritated by them makes your feelings even more extreme. With my kid, my eternal love is so boundless that when she really pisses me off, I want to throw her into the outer edges of the atmosphere – and then toss those damn Frozen sneakers that she was making me look for right after her.

    I love The Munch everyday of my life regardless of her behavior, but the most exciting moments between us are when I really like her. Now that she is almost 5, The Munch is almost like a real person. She is less driven by her base animal instincts, and no longer does things like scream, “I hate you” because I wouldn’t open the box of cookies while driving – I was too busy texting. JUST KIDDING! I was looking at Facebook.

    As The Munch is growing up and getting to be more governed by her own moral compass, I have come to observe that she is a really good person. She cares about her friends’ happiness, and is always willing to share her leotards. She made me a Mother’s Day gift, and was nice to me all day because according to her “It’s important to do things for moms – they are so busy all the time doing things for their kids.” And the last time we had a picnic, she picked me flowers and offered me the BIGGEST strawberry.

    The Munch’s personality is also really developing, and I am learning more and more what I like about her every day – mostly how many things we have in common. We both are really into music, dancing, and of course trying to make people laugh. She tells amazing jokes like “Knock knock. (Who’s There?) A fart on your head because you just made a smelly poop.” I mean, that is some real comedy gold right there.

    like-vs-love-blog-2

     

    May 13, 2015 • 4 years old, Family Drama, Mommyhood, Parenting, Relationships • Views: 1483

  • Dealing With Your Addictions

    I have never been addicted to anything, but I have abused a variety of substances. Even though my relationship to drugs and alcohol was excessive – and would lead to my doing things like being at a bar and falling onto a glass table full of drinks, breaking said table as my entire body became submerged in cranberry juice and vodka, then getting right back up to dance like that never happened – I never got hooked.

    So I can’t say I personally understand the struggle of addiction, but I do understand the urge to fill the existential hole in your soul with cocaine. It happens!

    I think the root of addiction lies in wanting to satiate your emotions with something outside of yourself. It’s a way to deal with the monotony of existence, or mask the pain of life. You turn to a chemical compound that will shake shit up inside your mind, and dull your heart from having to feel.

    I know my kid is only 4, but I want to set up good patterns of behavior even now. I don’t expect that The Munch won’t ever experiment with drugs. I am sure one day she will get super fucked up, hippy flip at a festival, and then have to vomit on her best friend because she mixed nitrous with an ecstasy acid combo. These things happen! I can’t shelter her from wanting to party in her youth, but hopefully I can build the groundwork so she has the mental fortitude to avoid being consumed by chasing the dragon – because that guy is fast!

    I want The Munch to be able to express her inner being, and not feel confined by the confusion of the human condition. I figure the more we confront things head on, the less she will feel the need to escape later in life. Sure, I am not dealing with any hard-core strife right now. I mean, it isn’t that complicated to process your tears after losing a Frozen flip-flop. Yet I have noticed that when The Munch hurts herself, her first request is to watch something on TV to “take her mind off it.” And when she is bored, and doesn’t know what to do, she always asks for a treat.

    I decide that we needed to unpack these instincts so she doesn’t one day move to Tampa, Florida.

    Munch: Mom, my sunburn really hurts. Can I watch some Carebears?
    Toni: Munch, you don’t want to watch something just to run from being in pain. You need to face it head on.
    Munch: But I really wanna watch something so it doesn’t hurt.
    Toni: Yeah, but life is full of pain. And sometimes you have to just sit with it. That’s the only way to realize that you are not your pain, and you can overcome it.
    Munch: Can I overcome my pain tomorrow morning and watch something tonight?
    Toni: I’m not sure it works like that.

    THE NEXT DAY

    Munch: Mom, can I have a treat?
    Toni: You already had like 5 chocolates today.
    Munch: But I REALLY want another treat.
    Toni: Munch, if you have a treat every day then it’s not special any more. You are just eating sugar all the time and cultivating a sugar addiction. Remember when we talked about how sugar is addictive?
    Munch: Yeah but what does it mean again?
    Toni: Well….
    Munch: Oh right. Addiction is when you can’t control yourself and you just want more and more and more even though it’s not good for your body.
    Toni: Exactly.
    Munch: How about I have one more treat today and none tomorrow. I will work on my addiction, and I won’t have treats every day. Just sometimes. And a lot of them.

     

    addiction-blog

  • Do You Like Being a Mom?

    The other day The Munch and I were driving in the car and she asked me this question.

    Munch: Do you like being a mom?
    Toni: Well, I like you! I am glad you were born and I love you forever. But I don’t always like being a mom.
    Munch: Yeah, being a mom is hard. You always have to do things for your kid – like drive them around, and make them sandwiches, and find their socks… Then you have to make sure they do the right thing, and when they don’t you have to get into fights…

    EXACTLY MUNCH!!

    like-mom-blog-(i)

    May 7, 2015 • 4 years old, Mommyhood, Parenting, Talking and Not Talking • Views: 1466

  • Who Puts the “Just” in our Justice System?

    Say you are driving in your car, listening to music, eating a sandwich, talking to yourself about how you’re never going to amount to anything of significance and will probably wallow in a pit of mediocrity for the rest of your existence… whatever. Point is that you are doing nothing wrong, but suddenly a cop pulls out behind you. Now every time you look in your rearview mirror you see those lights perched on top of the vehicle like crocodile eyes. Do you feel safe? Protected by its presence? Or do you feel fucking terrified and wonder if you are going to get pulled over?

    It doesn’t matter what I am doing in life, if I see a policeman, my first instinct is to tense up. I’m scared of their power – of their ability to take me away at any moment. This fear is not because I think every cop is evil or corrupt, but it’s the system itself I don’t trust.

    The concept of a police force, and of a court of law, came from an effort to relieve ourselves from the personal accountability of maintaining justice. There was a time in human history when there was no organized method. We took justice into our own hands. If you killed my brother, I killed your son. Then your nephew would kill my daughter, and my cousin would kill your favorite cousin. That was how we righted wrongs. We just retaliated as vigilantes of our families.

    The famous Greek Trilogy, The Oresteia, written by Aeschylus, is tragedy about the house of Atreus, where the son Orestes sets out to avenge his father’s murder. Basically it is a story of two families who keep killing each other through generations of vengeance. A cycle of killing is formed because each murder is justified by the murder before. The story ends with the installing of the justice system in order to create a structure that rights wrongs, rather than leaving it in the hands of the people.

    For modern people, instead of having the social or personal expectation to vindicate your slaughtered loved one – an outside system would serve as that role.

    So for the last 2,500+ years, Western culture has surrendered the idea that we are individually responsible for revenge. If you killed my brother I would be SUPER sad, but I wouldn’t hunt you down and then stab you in the heart while I stared into your eyes as your last breath gurgled out of your disintegrating body then licked your tears of blood. I would instead hope the police found you, you went to trial, and 12 of my peers would convict you.

    This system has allowed us to have a much different relationship to our humanity. The pressure isn’t on me, and I don’t have to be hardened by having to slaughter anyone. I can stay protected from having to enact violence by trusting in this organization that was ideally designed to represent justice for all.

    Even thought the Ancient Greeks spent a little too much time dry humping little boys, they are the fathers of modern democracy and our political configuration. The fact that we are currently in a state where we feel such little trust for these systems is relevant.

    When I hear solutions like “the police should all have cameras on their uniforms” my first reaction isn’t a sigh of relief, but rather wondering how easily that footage could be manipulated. Or how in poorer districts the equipment would be too faulty because of lack of funding. All I can think of is how if we have the illusion of accountability, we ourselves will be less accountable. The fact that citizens make the risky effort to film police wrongdoings with their camera phones is probably one of the most profound advantages of technology in the last 50 years – that and the ability to share this content on the Internet.

    There are still many examples where cops can murder an unarmed black man in broad daylight, and, if someone films it, they still get acquitted. However, the national anger and commitment to be heard is having an impact. The more we keep filming, keep talking, keep incessantly sharing, keep organizing dissent, there will be more instances of culpability. Where justice is actually served.

    We are kind of back where we started in the times of the Oresteia. For so long we felt unburdened to maintain justice, yet here we are, again we are responsible. Yet the difference is that the strategy has evolved. The answer isn’t as simplistic as kill me and I’ll kill you back, but rather acknowledging that we as a collective have to uphold the systems that we have put in place.

    A protester throws a tear gas canister back toward riot police after a 10 p.m. curfew went into effect in the wake of Monday's riots following the funeral for Freddie Gray, Tuesday, April 28, 2015, in Baltimore. (AP Photo/David Goldman)

    A protester throws a tear gas canister back toward riot police after a 10 p.m. curfew went into effect in the wake of Monday’s riots following the funeral for Freddie Gray, Tuesday, April 28, 2015, in Baltimore. (AP Photo/David Goldman)

    May 4, 2015 • Current Events, Musings, Political Banter • Views: 1059